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All Pain Ends Eventually: Final Trailer for Twilight: Breaking Dawn

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trailers | September 10, 2012 | Comments ()


blade-vs-twilight.jpg

There are only two positive notes about this film. First, it means that we're done with Twilight movies, at least until Meyer decides to geld another genre. Second, it means that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are going to have to share a red carpet together. That fills with cynical black hearted joy, and I hold out some secret hope that they will both come armed with katana and finish this with honor.

Oh, there's a trailer for the movie too:

Well you know, I was forced to sit through the last film, and at least this one appears to have actual events happen in it, you know with actual antagonists and protagonists. Of course, the entire plot of the film could be resolved with a phone call, but then that's the heart of drama in the mind of a writer with this little talent. There are no stakes. Meyer in so in love with her blank slate characters that she can't summon the will to have anything of import actually happen to them. She cannot imagine a world in which there is actual conflict between individuals, only misunderstandings that escalate irrationally.

Put aside for a moment all of the justified anger about how this story glorifies girls mindlessly doing whatever it takes to please a violent and abusive boyfriend who they've known for all of three days. Focus instead on the abysmal laziness of storytelling that could create a narrative spanning thousands of pages and four films in which there is never the slightest actual conflict between characters, only misunderstandings and miscommunications.

Objectionable views do not upset me nearly as much as sheer writerly incompetence.







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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Sara S.

    Bella: WHEE LOOK AT ME I CAN FLYYY WITH CHEESY CGI.
    Edward: Look at this idiot.
    On a side note, I'm so glad for Twilight to finally end.

  • KatSings

    The epic battle...between 30 people? There are flashmobs bigger than that.

  • Amazing dating club for people over 50
    Please google"eldermeet"
    Have a good time!

  • John

    I've never seen or read Twilight and i have no intention of ever doing so, i have Buffy and Angel to go back to for all my fictional vampire needs why would i settle for this horrendous looking stuff.

    From this and other trailers I've seen over the course of the twilight saga's seemingly endless run even the main actors seem bored and ready to move on.

  • Archie Leach

    The annual twigarbage "movies" allows for the breaking of my bleak monotonous existence to taunt and otherwise fuck with the twi-shit-for-brains......

  • denesteak

    Lee Pace is in this??????

    ARHGHHGHGHGGHHHHH

  • why is she hunting a lion? where the fact did she found one? is it actually a lion or really bad cg wolf?

  • John G.

    All of their powers and gifts lend themselves to stealth and hidden attacks, which is how they hunt. How does it advantage anyone to line up across and open field and run at each other?

  • Dragonchild

    If you're gonna pick on that, I'll point out that Nolan has several thousand people armed with guns ALSO line up across and run at each other in "The Dark Knight Rises". Better yet, they have automatic weapons and they're rumbling like it's "Blazing Saddles".
    To be clear, I'm not defending "Twilight". But if one is like the other, and one is that bad. . .

  • John G.

    I don't understand. The Dark Knight Rises was stupid too. That scene where police just march in an open street against tanks was one of the dumbest scenes in that dumb movie.

  • Kelly O

    The best part? In the book they don't run at each other. There is no battle. There is one death and the rest of the time they're just standing around thinking at each other.

    I have read these books because I have a teenaged stepdaughter and I felt like I needed to know what she was into. (I have read some really bad YA as a result.)

  • Az

    I have teenage children and my best friend has a teenage daughter. I'm a faster reader than she is and most of the time I've read the books first (my sons are older than her daughter); therefore, I read the YA (good, bad or otherwise) so she doesn't have to do so. Because I'm THAT good of a friend.

  • $27019454

    Why? Just...why?

  • Will they actually fight in this one? Or are they going to meet up and walk away again?

  • Bert_McGurt

    "There are no stakes."
    Something we've ALL been lamenting for the better part of a decade, I'd say.

  • +1

  • Snath

    Actual laugh out loud.

  • Strand

    The "Inside Look" special features for this home release will be gold.

    EDIT: Holy shit, Lee Pace is in this turd.

  • Xtacle Steve

    Wait...Michael Sheen is in these movies? And the Underworld ones? You're better than that, Sheen. Let's forget all this nonsense and just watch and episode or two of Chums.

  • linnyloo

    Well, you see, he plays a vampire in these, and a werewolf in those, so it's TOTALLY different and you're right he's so much better than that I'll just show myself out now.

  • Well, the special effects people clearly didn't give a shit. Can't really blame them - the movie is going to make millions no matter how bad it looks, so why put in the effort?

    And I see they went ahead and added an actual battle to the ending. Boo. I was really excited to see the clans just stand there and do absolutely NOTHING for several minutes while KStew attempts a few facial expressions to show she's "shielding" everyone.

  • melissa82

    Lets be honest. That's going to happen. No one "important" will die and as soon as the first person is injured Bella will use her "power."
    I can't wait til this shit goes away. And I'm so disappointed in myself that I actually read the books and saw the first one in a theater...on opening night... Urgh, I hate me.

  • bellaluna30

    Aww, don't hate you. I read all four books (bed-rest during an entire pregnancy), but I couldn't watch even the first movie, despite trying several times. (I know, I know. What possessed me, right?)

  • I read them, too. At first, I had to know what the big deal was, everyone was obsessed, and then I couldn't stop because I couldn't believe how ridiculous they got. And I saw the movie in theaters TWICE, both times with different friends who love the series. So I shall join you in the self-loathing!

  • the other courtney

    Well, at least it looks, I don't know... pretty? The landscape that is. Maybe one or two cool special effects.

  • TheAggroCraig

    "...but forever isn't as long as I'd hoped." This idiot wrote that on purpose, and we all share oxygen with her. Sorry if I just ruined your day.

  • TK

    Also, in the context of the movies (GODFUCKINGDAMN YOU PAJIBA FOR MAKING ME WATCH THIS SHIT THE FUCKING PAY IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THAT BULLSHIT)... "forever" is, like, a month. Which is one more reason I want Stewart's character to get fired from the planet.

  • SLW

    Well Dustin reviewed the first three, and I reviewed the fourth. So you're literally not getting paid to watch these, in which case the question is, why the hell have you seen them? That's just masochistic.

  • TK

    Oh, sure. See, you don't live near him. You wouldn't understand.

    YOU DON'T KNOW THE THINGS HE MAKES ME DO.

    [shameful sobbing]

  • Dragonchild

    I got lost in the many ways I could give a joke answer, so I'll take the safe route here and offer a serious one.
    1) To riff it, of course, though this turned out to be easier said than done.
    2) They're actually a rather good clinic in how NOT to make a story. I do learn from reading/watching good content, but there are a few lessons to be gleaned from monstrosities.

    My wife made me sit through the film for reason #1 because she actually enjoys my riffs (oy, I guess there is a downside to entertaining your mate), but to not make it a complete loss I actually turn them into a learning experience.

  • littlealbatross

    NO! Lee Pace! Why? Why? It's not really Lee Pace, it must be his evil, hard-up for cash, lacking standards evil twin brother right? Right?

  • ruby

    Thank you! I was wondering the exact same thing.

  • troublesometots

    Could somebody please tell Bella to stop feeding on endangered animals? Instead maybe she could hire herself out as pest control. We have some really annoying squirrels in the attic, perhaps she could feed on those instead.

  • PDamian

    God, I love this. "Bella! There's a nutria problem in Louisiana! Dinner time!"

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    If only thiswere the poster for an upcoming movie "Wrath of The (non-sparkly) Day Walker". Pattinsoooooooooooooooooon!

  • Just do it already, Blade! Kill those sparkly vampires and all the tax evasion is forgiven!

  • OldSchool60

    ...or Obama can do some kinda "Presidential Pardon" thingy, and his re-election is guaranteed.

  • Blake

    Best sequel idea ever! New Line make Blade:Twilight happen!

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