Who Gives a Shit About Saving The Planet When There’s Zombies to Kill?
When Hippies Attack / Brian Prisco
Trailers | December 22, 2008 | Comments (21)
For once, a Hollywood celebrity has listened to my sagelike advice. Steven Seagal put down the fucking Greenpeace sign and picked up a goddamn samurai sword. Sure, it’s a direct to DVD release by a team of assclowns — the writer some USC reject who wrote his own IMDB profile A. Nannie Mouse-ly and the first-time director a cinematographer responsible for keeping the frattards shiny in Grind, Out Cold, and American Pie — but you gotta start somewhere. We can’t all make our comebacks getting held hostage in Belgium.
Against the Dark is the kind of horrible that inspires legions of Carpenter wannabes to hoist digicams and find a girl with the potential to go wild to run half naked through the woods chased by a rape tree. The plot is dumbasstatic — a vampire hunter swordfights zombies. Maybe they’re vampires. I don’t even think the writer knows.
But who cares? Steven Seagal — with nary a single facial expression — essentially kills pasty faced extras with a katana. That’s all I asked for, and I got it. Now, it’s straight to DVD, so godwilling, it’s rated X and features incredible gouts of unmentionable gore. The trailer doesn’t look like much, but hey, it’s Seagal with a sword. Feast on that, nads.
Comments
Posted by: Kelly at December 22, 2008 2:11 PM
Guess who's going to rent this and make me watch it with them? The entire time ranting and raving about what a stellar actor Steven is and how he's totally unappreciated for his time.
Now raise your hand for a freshly baked shortbread cookie if you said my mother-in-law.
Anyone? No show of hands at all? That's what I thought.
Oh, and did I mention she's German and in the parts of the movie she finds super thrilling she starts screaming excitedly in her native language and whacking me with her knitting needles? I damn near lost an eye during "Fire Down Below".