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December 22, 2008 | Comments ()

Who Gives a Shit About Saving The Planet When There's Zombies to Kill?

When Hippies Attack / Brian Prisco

Trailers | December 22, 2008 | Comments ()

For once, a Hollywood celebrity has listened to my sagelike advice. Steven Seagal put down the fucking Greenpeace sign and picked up a goddamn samurai sword. Sure, it’s a direct to DVD release by a team of assclowns — the writer some USC reject who wrote his own IMDB profile A. Nannie Mouse-ly and the first-time director a cinematographer responsible for keeping the frattards shiny in Grind, Out Cold, and American Pie — but you gotta start somewhere. We can’t all make our comebacks getting held hostage in Belgium.

Against the Dark is the kind of horrible that inspires legions of Carpenter wannabes to hoist digicams and find a girl with the potential to go wild to run half naked through the woods chased by a rape tree. The plot is dumbasstatic — a vampire hunter swordfights zombies. Maybe they’re vampires. I don’t even think the writer knows.

But who cares? Steven Seagal — with nary a single facial expression — essentially kills pasty faced extras with a katana. That’s all I asked for, and I got it. Now, it’s straight to DVD, so godwilling, it’s rated X and features incredible gouts of unmentionable gore. The trailer doesn’t look like much, but hey, it’s Seagal with a sword. Feast on that, nads.

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