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Things I Am Not Thankful For, #4,321: Ace Ventura, Jr

Gobble Gobble Goo & Gobble Gobble Gickel / Dustin Rowles

Trailers | November 26, 2008 | Comments (37)

You’d like to give kid actors under the age of 12 the benefit of the doubt, you know? I mean, their parents probably pushed them into acting and they don’t actually get any of the money and really all they care about is video games and maybe holding hands with the cute girl with freckles around her nose. Right? It’s not their fault they’re in a shitty, direct-to-DVD sequel to a franchise people stopped caring about a decade ago.

… and yet, I’m sorry, but after watching the trailer for Ace Ventura, Jr., I actually want to spank that child. I don’t even believe in spankings. His name is Josh Flitter, and I want to give this kid a time out for life. And then I want to stick his parent’s heads into a toilet. And then I want to cause great harm to many, many people. With a blowtorch. And a pair a pliers.

There’s only one good reason to watch this trailer, really. To build your tolerance levels as you prepare for a long weekend with your family. Watch it three times, and there’s nothing anyone can do to you.


Here: This will make you feel better.







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Comments

*GAGS* OMG

I gotta throw up.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 26, 2008 9:07 AM

Isn't speaking out your ass cheeks considered pedophilia under the age of 12?

Posted by: Sofía at November 26, 2008 9:09 AM

Why would a fat kid be the son of the boneless wonder and perpetual string bean that is Jim Carrey? Thats just bad casting, also the little troll's wig's crooked. Asshat.

Posted by: nieve at November 26, 2008 9:12 AM

Once again, proof of a dark, malevolent God who wishes us nothing but harm.

HAIL SATAN!

Posted by: TK at November 26, 2008 9:16 AM

Zohan: The Early Years

coming soon...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 26, 2008 9:25 AM

WHO WAS ASKING FOR THIS SHIT?!

Is Jamie Kennedy in this one too?

Posted by: Snath at November 26, 2008 9:26 AM

Actually, not to be mean or anything, but have you seen pics of Jim's daughter. She's a big girl...

Posted by: griffimx at November 26, 2008 9:31 AM

That kid needs a swirly. Stat.

Posted by: MG at November 26, 2008 9:33 AM

the horror

Posted by: jim at November 26, 2008 9:34 AM

TK you sicken me with your Satan worship, may a chigger lay waste to your balls from the inside.

Posted by: Pookie at November 26, 2008 9:37 AM

Thank godtopus the DVD has some "Awesome Special Features!" i can't wait for this!!! They'll prolly have some behind the scenes thing. Hopefully they have a Screenwriter's Videoraphy cuz I've always wanted to see someone taking a shit on a replica Oscar statue and then rape a kitten with it.

...I imagine that was a key part in the script development. This shit makes Dumb and Dumberer look like The Godfather II.

Would it be wrong of me to go off on a death rant on this child? (Is he even a child? Are we sure he doesn't have Webster Disease? I've seen him before and he looks the same every time.)

Posted by: PissBoy at November 26, 2008 9:47 AM

No no no, you're doing it all wrong. It's "Gabba gabba HEY!"

Posted by: bucdaddy at November 26, 2008 9:59 AM

Pookie, a defiler and sinner such as yourself should be reveling in the Dark Lord's victories, not judging his soldiers.

Posted by: TK at November 26, 2008 10:33 AM

Sweet motherfucking... Are you kidding me? WHHHHY?! WHHHHY?

Who in the hell greenlit this? Who the fuck di... WAS THERE A PILE OF MONEY LAYING AROUND WITH A NOTE SAYING "Make a movie with me with no thought or reason, or I will vanish in a poof of smoke"? Seriously. WE'RE IN AN ECONOMIC MELTDOWN AND YOU FUCKTARDS BLOW MORE THAN A HUNDRED BUCKS ON THIS?! Fucking give me the money you used to make this film and I can guarangoddamtee you that I could do something that would actually make a difference in somebody's life. Shit, you could give a fraction of the cash to a thirteen year old paint-huffer and it would at least give somebody more satisfaction than this film. GOD I'M ANGRY AND SWEATING NOW!

... awkward silence, occasionally broken by gasping sobs...

Look, I know it has nothing to do with him directly, but if I ever see that kid, I'm gonna kick him in the pre-pubescent junk as hard as I possibly can... If I ever see/hear anybody rent, talk, watch, purchase, joke about, dress their bastard offspring as a character of, or reference this film, I will shove my thumbs into their ocular sockets and pull their skull in half like a drunk gorilla tearing into a cantaloupe.

...more sobbing...

Posted by: Skitz at November 26, 2008 10:46 AM

TK you belong in the ninth circle of hell until you drink the sweet nectar of salvation. My sins have been washed away now that I'm in the right hand of glory, in my past I've defiled because of my dark heart. My days are now filled with the righteousness of knowing that I'm like a virgin in the good spirit of the after life. Repent TK, do not suckle on the pipe of darkness, but seek your nourishment from the sweet fruits of life.

Posted by: Pookie at November 26, 2008 11:29 AM

That Adam Sandler song did make me feel better.

Also the thought that, that kid will never get laid in high school.

Posted by: Kayanne at November 26, 2008 11:30 AM

You guys are mean. Sure, the movie looks like ball-fried ass, but you gotta wanna pinch that kids cheeks.

Posted by: Beatific Barf at November 26, 2008 11:52 AM

Now this movie is raping my childhood (everyone takes a shot). I watched Ace Ventura once a day with my best bud for about three months when it came out. The opening scene with the package still cracks me up. I like the part where his landlord sneaks up behind him and hisses "Ventura" in his ear then Jim Carrey goes "Yes Satan, oh sorry, I thought you were someone else." The dolphin trainer scene, the scene where he realizes the cop is a man, the scene where he's playing football at the mental institute...I used to love this movie when I was little. Yeah, that kid should probably die. He does a terrible alrighty then.

Posted by: becks at November 26, 2008 12:02 PM

"Sounds broken."

"It probably is!"

The second one is pretty bad, but the rhino/birthing scene is actually brilliant.

Posted by: TK at November 26, 2008 12:23 PM

...do not suckle on the pipe of darkness, but seek your nourishment from the sweet fruits of life.

I have never heard more sexually suggestive godspeak. Should we read deeper there? Like if I translate that does it boil down to...

"Hey TK...I'm not suggesting anything, but you shouldn't blow large black men, but instead find a girl with a great rack and break out the motorboat."

I like my translation. I'll go with that. I'm sure large black men will appreciate me alluding to their junk as 'the pipe of darkness.'

Posted by: PissBoy at November 26, 2008 12:24 PM

I want to dismember that child.

Posted by: citizen_cris at November 26, 2008 12:26 PM

NO!

For the love of...argh. I'm running out of ways to be horrified at these posts.

Posted by: figgy at November 26, 2008 12:42 PM

Yes, figgy. Let the apathy wash over you like a warm bath.

Posted by: branded at November 26, 2008 1:07 PM

Pissboy I'm speaking metaphorically, not figuratively. The pipes which you reference are a symbol for evil, and suckle means to take in literally. Now for whatever reason you want to bring "large black men" into the discussion I don't want to know. Pissboy by chance are you the owner of a feather boa?

Posted by: Pookie at November 26, 2008 1:09 PM

You can speak however you like. my mind just automatically goes into the gutter.

And no feather boas here. Just plenty of mineral water, a great sense of fashion, and an entire aprtment furnished by Ikea.

Posted by: PissBoy at November 26, 2008 1:21 PM

Let me tell you about disappointment.
Disappointment is when you buy the Ace Ventura dvd pack (parts 1 and 2!), get home and start watching, only to realize that the dolphin trainer scene was cut out.

Now I'm stuck with the shittiest version of that movie available. Anyone wanna buy it from me? Also, does anyone know where I can get the REAL version of the movie that I have fond first-groping-on-a-basement-couch memories of?

Furthermore, forgive the preposition at the end of my previous sentence. I have a sore neck and it's distracting me from proper grammar.

Posted by: popejenn at November 26, 2008 1:24 PM

popejenn, I bet that kid edited the dolphin trainer scene out of your DVD. You just know it because he's so awful. Man I hate his alrighty then!

Posted by: becks at November 26, 2008 1:35 PM

REALLY?! Huh. **blows brain out**

Posted by: JapJay at November 26, 2008 1:55 PM

I am thankful I know all you funny fucks.

What? Wrong thread for such sentimentality?

Choke on a cranberry.

Posted by: bucdaddy at November 26, 2008 2:03 PM

I'm with whoever it was that said they'd kick that kid in the junk really hard. He probably did have a hand in editing out that scene, becks. No mercy must be shown.

Posted by: popejenn at November 26, 2008 2:19 PM

"TK you sicken me with your Satan worship, may a chigger lay waste to your balls from the inside."

Posted by: Pookie at November 26, 2008 9:37 AM

Hey POOKIE! It's the 21st century. We call them chegroes now.

Posted by: BWeaves at November 26, 2008 2:24 PM

Winner: BWeaves.

Posted by: TK at November 26, 2008 3:16 PM

Isn't this movie considered child abuse and endangerment?

At the very least it's hazardous to whoever gets to spend the weekend with Dustin.

Posted by: Devo at November 26, 2008 4:35 PM

I hope that all people involved with this contract a mutated form of gonorrhea that requires antibiotic suppositories the size of footballs.

Oh, and the only side effect is that the suppositories give you AIDS.

Posted by: admin at November 26, 2008 6:22 PM

All you had to say (to perfect it) was end it with:

I'MMA GET MEDIEVAL ON YO' ASS!!!

(Hmmm...'medieval' looks incorrect, but I'm too lazy to look it up, so fuck it.)

Jus' sayin'.

Posted by: Riley at November 27, 2008 9:50 PM

Not to condone any of this - but wouldn't a "young Ace" prequel would have at least been potentially funnier - with some nice early 80's vibe thrown in?

looks like it cost about three hundred bucks to make that "film" - and they'll still lose money.

Posted by: anony at November 28, 2008 2:41 PM

I think this movie was....wait what are we talking..oh yeah ACE VENTURE JR. The JR stands for Just Return. Do not let this movie into your home. If its not too late.

Posted by: LiL AcE at March 7, 2009 12:36 AM


















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