A Comprehensive Breakdown of Everything Awfulsome about Lifetime's Britney Spears Biopic

By Courtney Enlow | Trailers | December 2, 2016 | Comments ()

By Courtney Enlow | Trailers | December 2, 2016 |


As you may have heard, Lifetime is releasing what is assuredly a thoughtful, respectful film about Britney Spears. JK, LOL, no, they literally have a scene where she attacks human beings with an umbrella while screaming “fuck all of you!”

Which is not the way that went down at all in real life. But somehow, that has managed to be the most closely-tethered-to-reality aspect of this…thing…we’ve seen so far. Lifetime has released photos from the movie and they are indescribable.


This is their Britney Spears, as portrayed by Australian actress Natasha Bassett, who does not in any way resemble Britney Spears. If she were playing Natasha Lyonne playing Hilary Duff, however, she’d be crushing it.

Brit, what do you think?


Here’s “Britney” marrying “Kevin Federline.”


Again, if this was a Lifetime movie about this couple, they’d be on point. As Britney and His Royal Popozaoness? No.

Brit, any thoughts?


How about this shot from the Britney/KFed nuptials?


Oh my.


Of course when one thinks of Britney Jean Spears, we must also think of Justin Randall Timberlake and their baby love, so obviously NSYNC is represented in this movie. And…here they are.


Christ almighty. It’s like some unauthorized off-brand Dollar Store “In Sync! Band Boys” dolls came to life and they’re looking at me and I don’t want it, I don’t want any of it, where is my adult handler helper to guide me through this, help please?

Britney, how are you doing?


Also, Ms. Bassett, who I’m sure is a fine human, admittedly cannot dance.

So. They’ve cast a young lady who does not resemble Britney Spears and cannot dance which inarguably is Ms. Spears’s most major asset, to play her in a Lifetime film capitalizing on her mental health struggles, which involved her two young children lest we forget, and does not have her blessing?

I think Britney speaks for all of us.


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