Good God. The new trailer for 2012 is out today, and — as you’d expect from Roland Emmerich (Independence Day, Godzilla) — it’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer to your Adam’s apple, although probably a little more painful. There’s enough CGI in this film to basically render those letters meaningless. The movie itself deals with the supposed end of the world, according to the Mayan calendar, and the volcanoes, glaciers, typhoons, and aliens that accompany world destruction. And when Emmerich ends the world, the man really fucking ends the world. And by the looks of this film, we may not need to wait until the year 2012 before we’re all rendered extinct, this movie may do the job for us.
I really don’t know why Roland Emmerich and Michael Bay don’t just take it to the next level and film competing dick-swinging movies. Bay’s dick would cause buildings to explode, and Emmerich’s dick would tear huge tankers in half. Have at it, boys.
3 … 2 … 1 … Dumb.
What’s funny is, I liked the fake trailer better — and honestly, you can barely tell them apart:
Did I hear the hoarse, despairing tones of William Hurt ("I thought we'd have more time.") there in the middle of everything?
It's odd how unmoved I am by all the...woosh. I have no interest in seeing this. It looks like nonsense.
Possibly it's the adorable little girl. You just know the adorable little girl is going to survive the EOTW completely unscathed, and will probably say something cute at the end of the movie. Ugh.
You gotta fight, for your right, to LIIIIIIIIFFFFEE!
Gah, the husband is going to make me watch that.
Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at June 18, 2009 6:00 PM
Man, folks sure do love to fuck up the White House. This time, they're throwing a SUBMARINE at it? Dang.
I'll give Emmerich this much - he has a commitment to massive destruction that no one can argue with. Even if the movie's gonna be shit.
Posted by: Skewicide Blonde at June 18, 2009 6:02 PM
In 2012, if I am successful in my career ambitions, I'll either be living in Miami, New York, or L.A and movies tell me that they're always the first to go so at least my death won't be drawn out.
I'll have to make a mental note to get some serious poon tang in the preceding month or so though. And eat a lot of really excellent food. I'm going out as close to fat as I can get with a smile on my face and a man in my bed, if I'm going. And if the world doesn't end, I bet I'll have a really good day.
Did I just see John Cusack in a black suit with a black tie?
So....Martin Blank Vs The Apocalypse?
Posted by: Nadine at June 18, 2009 6:19 PM
Also, Emmerich is German, right? And he makes A LOT, and I mean A LOT of films where very iconic symbols of America are destroyed then shown ravaged and broken....Do you guys not get a teensy bit concerned?
Posted by: Nadine at June 18, 2009 6:23 PM
Actually Skewicide, that's an aircraft carrier. Much bigger, more metal.
Posted by: Dario Delfino at June 18, 2009 6:23 PM
I'm a geek, but...
From the moment they called the Mayans 'Earth's earliest civilisation', I could see the whole trailer lying before me, like two straight tracks down into the pit...
...so I paused it, and now I'm turning off my computer, and I'm going to go to some other country without movie theatres. Or electricity, if it comes to that.
Posted by: BlackMage at June 18, 2009 6:26 PM
Oh come on! At least the Adam Sandler trailer was a fake, but Emmerich is dead serious. What a fucking moron. I'd feel more intellectual stimulus watching Happy Manson movies.
Where were the Transformers? What kind of piece of shit action movie is this?
Posted by: admin at June 18, 2009 6:47 PM
Sweet Zombie Jesus! An aircraft carrier.....on a tsunami.....hitting the white house! Super Survival boats to preserve humanity! That's even better than the crap from The Day After Tommorow "The whole world is freezing....and there's wolves!!!!" I'm not (too) ashamed to say that I'll go see it, and I'll take my daughter too. Everyone should see at least one truly lousy movie in theaters.
Posted by: Harborwolf at June 18, 2009 6:47 PM
"I'll have to make a mental note to get some serious poon tang in the preceding month or so though....I'm going out as close to fat as I can get with a smile on my face and a man in my bed, if I'm going."
Uh, Genny, you better brush up on you're bits and pieces slang. Since poon tang is slang for lady parts, you don't want people to get the wrong, yet sexy, idea without proper cause.
George, there are just about no good euphemisms for women seeking hot male loving so, in the spirit of equality and progressing the language of sexuality, I frequently appropriate whatever sexual terminology strikes my fancy.
Besides, if it's the end of the world we're talking about, who's really going to be all that picky? Bring on the hedonistic salsa laden orgies!
I'd go see it. If it were fifteen minutes long, with just the "shit blowing up" bits kept in, and the story (why does Emmerich still attempt these? He can't the fuck do them!) cut out. And if it were free. And there was food.
Find out WHAT truth, may I ask? That you have pressed the little up arrow next to your movie's website on a Google search so many time that now it's the first entry? Is that the truth for which I'm supposed to be searching?
Fuck you Emmerich, and fuck you voiceover man for belittling yourself to read such drivel.
Posted by: Susie Derkins at June 18, 2009 7:16 PM
genny, just say you're going to get some dick.
we'll all know what you mean.
Posted by: gp at June 18, 2009 7:30 PM
that said, i'm a sucker for big disaster movies and for that reason alone, i thank godtopus every night for roland emmerich.
i know, i know, he's a bit "showy" but i find his movies very popcorn-worthy. i will *still* throw in id4, day after tomorrow, stargate, even (every 4 or 5 years) godzilla and marinate in the sPeCtAcLe of it all. (and you know how I do it)
Posted by: gp at June 18, 2009 7:41 PM
George, there are just about no good euphemisms for women seeking hot male loving
Rusty, are you okay? Getting enough water?
I am asking because you seem to have forgotten where you are. Hell, Julie uses about 10 or 11 different euphemisms every day.
Maybe it's the vodka talking, but honestly? That looks shitballs awesome. You guys! Seriously! An AIRCRAFT CARRIER! Just CRUSHED! The motherfucking WHITE HOUSE! I'll be there, jumbo bucket of popcorn, gallon of coke, sneaky naggin, ready to drink every time something blows right the fuck up. I anticipate being too drunk to notice or care what the story is, and having a truly awesome time. Is no one with me on this?
Posted by: Shay at June 18, 2009 8:10 PM
They built arks? So this is Independence Day meets Evan Almighty? And they airlifted giraffes in instead of oh, DNA or some shit like that? That giraffe better be for food. Giraffe gumbo is tasty.
Posted by: Mrcreosote at June 18, 2009 8:46 PM
Oh, I already know who I'm dragging to this. It's gonna be disasterific. And we will both love every minute.
Also, though the Mayan calendar does *end* on that particular date, there's naught saying that the dude writing it didn't a) getting fucking bored b) get sacrificed c) get sold to a neighboring city and then sacrificed or d) that "end of the world" to the Mayans doesn't mean the actual end of the world. It's more likely they meant it more as an end of an era thing.
My nerd is showing, isn't it? Sorry. I'm still going to see the damn movie. And I'll probably love every minute of it.
Oh man, the bit with the Sistine chapel breaking in half and separating Adam from god and the JFK thingy smashing Washington and HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA oh man. Good times.
Seriously, how ballsy do you have to be to ADVERTISE the fact that you directed independence day? I almost respect him just for admitting that. Almost.
Posted by: Hellajet at June 18, 2009 9:00 PM
1) Did Genny just say she was gonna get some poon tang, referring to hot male lovin'? This is why I *heart* Genny.
2) This actually looks like a full length version of the end of Ghost Ship, which I loved for pretty much this exact reason. Every possible type of death you could have on a ship in the middle of the ocean was in that movie, and it was AWESOME. They died of food poisoning, and gangsters, and drowning, and being cut in half with a wire, and gunshot wounds, and I'm sure I'm missing a bunch more. COME. ON.
omg Anna v B, i love the beginning of ghost ship! it's so disneyly romantical. people dancing and the italian woman singing and then the font is so satiny and ribbonly. and then...
*TWANG*
(blood dripping off wire, horrified little girl left all alone)
ok, so that shouldn't be considered spoilery because i swear, i've seen it 20 times and it's always bakery fresh.
Posted by: gp at June 18, 2009 9:17 PM
Aside from the "movie to end all others" line, the fake trailer was misery incarnate. As for the real trailer... I would honestly rather just see the spectacle of the world falling apart, instead of focusing on all these no-doubt poorly written stories about the people.
Also, I just realized that the music from Signs sounds a lot like the Danse Macabre by Camille Saint-Saëns.
Posted by: frank at June 18, 2009 10:00 PM
Ghost ship was a very good, bad movie. Very good.
This looks similarly balls-to-the-wall awesome. I will always love Independence Day as a classic example of what a cheesy popcorn-inhaling action movie should be.
It's a shame about The Day After Tomorrow and Godzilla and 10,000 BC and The Patriot but you can't make an omelet without killing a few people. And one of five or six ain't bad.
I will be seeing this in the theater, and I will cheer every time a major religious figure dies symbolically.
Posted by: Neodiogenes at June 18, 2009 10:03 PM
I will SO see this. I've got a real thing for disaster porn. Those stupid armageddons and deep impacts had too damn much story in the way. I admit I was quite down with War of the Worlds...things was spewed, and lots of stuff got really badly broken. I'm such a minge-ing control freak, it's like a major catharsis. Then I sit up until 3 am whispering to myself - when the tsunami comes...will I be ready? Will I?!
Posted by: replica at June 18, 2009 10:33 PM
I'm fairly certain Emmerich had a boner going the entire time he pitched the movie to Executives, and it only helped his prospects in getting it made.
Posted by: E at June 18, 2009 11:03 PM
What?! Total destruction of iconic world structures and NO image of the Statue of Liberty getting decapitated, gorged or finger banged by the ghosts of Mayans past?! I'm sorry, Mr. Emmerich, you have disgraced a cardinal rule of disaster movie etiquette.
Posted by: Quorren at June 18, 2009 11:21 PM
I feel fine.
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 18, 2009 11:39 PM
birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, BOOM
Posted by: gp at June 19, 2009 12:02 AM
Shay, I'll go with you (I'll bring my own flask). It'll be a party.
I really shouldn't be such a sucker, since only ID4 was even popcorn worthy, but damn. It just looks like classic Great Bad Cinema, and how can you say no to that>
Posted by: Louise at June 19, 2009 12:36 AM
Oh my god, they do the epic heartbeats at the end!
*spoiler alert* The killer is Baby Face McGee-zax.
He loves, Loves, LOVES destroying the White House.
Posted by: Horace at June 19, 2009 2:33 AM
I can't bear these movies where the actors run on a treadmill in front of a greenscreen background and someone CGIs in some broken buildings and falling objects and explosions missing them by hairs. I have an extremely low tolerance for bad CGI, and I consider 99% of CGI bad CGI.
So why the the sphinctre of Hell do I want to see this? I can already tell that at least three quarters of the - no doubt overlong - runtime is going to be destruction montage.
Posted by: James at June 19, 2009 4:00 AM
You're dead wrong, James: three quarters of the overlong runtime will be poorly-written conversations and lame attempts to make us care about John Cusack and his "adorable" family. No more than 10 minutes of this movie will be destruction montage, just like ID4.
Destruction montages are fun. Poorly-written drivel intended to make us care about the survivors is not. The world really will end before Hollywood learns this.
Posted by: Pen Dragon at June 19, 2009 5:04 AM
Yay! It's a date, Louise! I solemnly swear to drunkenly cackle during the 'emotional' scenes if you promise to yell "Hoo-ah!" during all the scenes of military generals pacing and declaiming dramatically.
Oh, and I forgot to mention in my last post - was that Chiwetal Ejiofar? Like, seriously...I know good actors need to pay the rent and whatnot, but duuude!
Posted by: Shay at June 19, 2009 6:36 AM
A few thoughts:
The person who made that calendar was about 1100 years off. Mayan civilization was done in 900 AD. Suck it, primates!
*whispers* Hey Roland. The Egyptians. Asshole. *unwhispers*
That was Amanda Peet, right? I want to see her boobs on the big screen again. Maybe a fire will burn off her shirt and bra, then an earthquake will shake those fuckers around.
Posted by: Kballs at June 19, 2009 8:03 AM
So....Martin Blank Vs The Apocalypse?
Posted by: Nadine at June 18, 2009 6:19 PM
THAT is a movie I would see. The whole thing would have a bitching 80's soundtrack, leaning heavily on the Femmes.
Alien: blarp beep furrrrr dingle whoop
(translator--It was predicted that we would come...we are here now to destroy your world)
Martin Blank: Don't tease me, you know what I do for a living. *BLAM*
I forgot to mention in my last post - was that Chiwetal Ejiofar?
Yes, yes...I believe that was. So sad. So very sad.
Shay and Louise--can I come too? I am a sucker for end-of-the-world movies. I am dying to hear the explanation for why the planet goes batshit insane all at once.
Seriously, spare me all the shots of well-known monuments getting destroyed, and focus on the regular folk just running for their lives. I ADORE that shot of the monk ringing the hell out of that bell as disaster approaches--he's in the middle of fucking nowhere. On a mountaintop. Who's gonna hear? And what would they do anyway? It's not like you're going to outrun that thing.
Posted by: DeadBessie at June 19, 2009 9:16 AM
John F. Kennedy "The Boat" crushes the White House. BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!
1. This movie is a COMPLETE RIPOFF of "Disaster 76" which was the movie within a movie of the movie "Drive In" which came out in the mid 1970's and which I actually watched in a drive-in.
3. "Driven In" was about a bunch of kids in a small town where the only entertainment was the roller rink and the drive-in theater.
3. In "Disaster 76" a plane is struck by lightning and crashes into a sky scraper. The storm also creates a tidal wave that washes all the sharks ashore. At the end of the fake movie, the captain is washed ashore and says, "Well, somebody's got to rebuild Reno."
4. OUR calendar ends every frickin year. And then it starts over. Does the world end every Dec. 31st? Only if you're drunk enough.
5. As someone else pointed out, the Mayans were a little off on their end of the world prediction as they were wiped out hundreds of years ago. Their calendar doesn't apply to us.
Posted by: BWeaves at June 19, 2009 9:44 AM
Where were the Transformers? What kind of piece of shit action movie is this?
Godsdamnit, Admin...I didn't want to admit to this but you've forced my hand. I did some uncredited rewriting on this puppy, so what comes next is a Spoiler:
There's a dramatic scene where the President (Danny Glover) wistfully remarks that the Presidency is a "young man's game". We then pan across a table, showing photos of him as a younger man, and then dissolving back to President Glover. He looks upset, but then he has an idea. He shoos his guards out of the room, raises his arms to the sky, and transforms (complete with the iconic sound effect) into Chiwetel Ejiofor. Cue asskicking music, with Chiwetel and John Cusack stemming the gigantic wave with their awesome telekinetic powers atop the pyramids Big Ben.
Also, I know he likes to cast her in every movie he makes, but c'mon Hollywood...did we really need Joan Cusack as a giraffe? I mean isn't that just a joke in poor taste?
The Mayans were wiped out? There are probably more than a few people hanging out down in Central America who would disagree with that. And didn't the Mayans believe that the world existed in cycles? It was constantly being destroyed and reborn. I think the one were living in right now is number 12. Is that right?
Anyway, I know I'll probably see this and enjoy it for the mind-numbing bucket of ridiculousness it is.
Posted by: Kolby at June 19, 2009 10:04 AM
Yeah..I will get very high and watch this on a hungover bored Sunday. You can't expect much from these movies so it's hard to be disappointed.
As a pothead walks down the road, a genie appears in front of him. "I'll grant you two wishes," says the genie.
The pothead replies, "I want a never ending joint."
The genie says, "As you wish," and gives him the joint.
The pothead takes a long drag and says, "Awesome! I want another one!"
Posted by: Fuel at June 19, 2009 10:07 AM
OK guys, I consider myself a reasonably serious, discerning film-watcher, but I couldn't help but be stirred by the visualization of all that epic destruction.
My damn job made me work on Y2K at midnight Dec. 31st, 1999, JUST in case something happened to the computer systems. All I got for my trouble was free pizza and a polo shirt with a Y2K logo on it.
Posted by: BWeaves at June 19, 2009 11:23 AM
P.S. I still have the shirt. I wish I'd kept the pizza. I could have sold it on eBay by swearing I saw Jesus in the cheese.
Posted by: BWeaves at June 19, 2009 11:26 AM
George, there are just about no good euphemisms for women seeking hot male loving so, in the spirit of equality and progressing the language of sexuality, I frequently appropriate whatever sexual terminology strikes my fancy.
Posted by: Genny (actually Rusty now) at June 18, 2009 7:07 PM
"Peen-tang" maybe?
Chiwatel Eijiofor (sorry about the spelling), my heart is breaking. I hope you
made a ton of money for this.
Time is a construct, invented by humans to control their environment and each
other (much like money and, dare I say it, religion). Therefore any end-of-world prediction based on a calendar is yet another myth.
Posted by: Captain Tuttle at June 19, 2009 1:05 PM
Blech. I am sad for so many people in that movie.
I'm going to go watch Kinky Boots and High Fi now to get that nasty CGI taste out of my mouth...
Posted by: stewey at June 19, 2009 2:00 PM
The nerd and ex-sailor in me has to make this known.
1. The JFK is not in service anymore, which means it will be in Washington state in the sound.
2. The planes are all tied down and can't fall off the ship like that.
3. If there were a crew on board, they would steer the ship into the wave like that and not allow it to be hit broadside.
You may all consider yourselfs edumacated in the Naval flaws of this film.
Posted by: Pkiguy22 at June 19, 2009 4:01 PM
Not this time, Emmerich..you are not getting my $8 this time, buddy boy. I'll see u in hell before I pay for another one of your shitty movies.
Posted by: stryker1121 at June 21, 2009 6:51 PM
um, the crack between the fingers of god and adam is brilliant. so symbolic.
They should just rename it "Special Effects Extravaganza". Jesus, it's not a small movie is it?