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Roland Emmerich Sucks in Japan, Too

2012 Goes International / Dustin Rowles

Trailers | August 27, 2009 | Comments (22)

Here’s the Japanese trailer for Roland Emmerich’s 2012, which has a few things that the US version does not, which means you get a taste for a little more of the destructive powers of a $200 million budget. (Next time, build the entire set out of Legos — who’d know the difference).

I’m actually pretty curious about the movie, which comes out on November 13. But I’m dying to know how John Cusack somehow, single-handedly, saves the Earth from destruction amidst all those monuments crumbling, California sinking into the ocean, and Danny Glover bellyaching about how he’s too old for this shit. Me too, brother. In fact, the day we turned 14, we became too old for this shit.

Well, too bad motherfuckers. You don’t have a choice. Roland Emmerich comes to town, you’ll pony up your dollars. Because that’s how America rolls.Emmerich parts the Red Sea, and we shove our collective cocks in it. Hallelujah. Praise Jesus. And pass the ammunition.



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Comments

Maybe Emmerich will have the balls to end this movie properly: with the Earth exploding into a fiery mess of rock and people. BOOM! Fin.

Posted by: Sean at August 27, 2009 9:19 AM

But I’m dying to know how John Cusack somehow, single-handedly, saves the Earth from destruction.

My theory is that he stands holding a boom box playing "In Your Eyes" while facing the big countdown timer while Chiwetel Ejiofor saves the day because, come on, he's Chiwetel Ejiofor.

Posted by: branded at August 27, 2009 9:23 AM

The girl I work with is convinced that the world is going to end in 2012. Nice girl, not too bright. And trust me, I don't think she's met a Mayan. She wouldn't know what a Mayan was if she took his money shot.

Posted by: Xtreme at August 27, 2009 9:38 AM

Have I bitched about this movie yet? Because it's SO DUMB. Literally. The dude who wrote the book, named it "2012: Return of Quetzalcoatl." The supposed idea that the world would end in 2012 came from the MAYANS, while Quetzalcoatl is an AZTEC god. TWO COMPLETELY SEPARATE CULTURES. DO YOUR RESEARCH.

Also, just because the Mayans decided not to go past 2012 in their calenders doesn't mean the world was going to end. Considering that the Mayans were probably making these calenders around, uh I don't know, 900 AD, is it so hard to believe that they just got sick of making them after they went 1112 fucking years into the future. That's a shit load of calenders! I'm surprised they made it to 1900.

So the myth is bullshit and the book is fucking stupid and therefore the movie is a piece of crap.

The super nerdy portion of this comment section is over now.

Posted by: buttercup at August 27, 2009 9:46 AM

i'm a sucker for disaster flicks, i suppose 'sucker' being the operative word there. not that excited about cusack being in it tho. enjoyed the original teaser trailer more when it was just the enormous wave taking out the monks. on the upside, district 9 was awesome.

Posted by: gem at August 27, 2009 9:54 AM

stop the hate!

it's john cusack! in an RV!

the only part of that image that should disturb you is having his daughter on the floorboard watching as i give him "fleeing from fiery death" road head.

Posted by: gp at August 27, 2009 9:58 AM

Maybe "2012: The Return of Kukulcan" didn't have that same sexy ring to it?

The super nerdy portion of this comment section is over now.

Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until the super nerds decide it is! Was it over when the Death Star bombed the Enterprise? Hell no!

Posted by: branded at August 27, 2009 9:59 AM

You people crack my shit up. And I mean "You people" the way Ross Perot meant "You people."

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at August 27, 2009 10:27 AM

1980's: The Jupiter Effect

The planets were supposed to line up and cause an excessive gravitational pull that would cause earthquakes and the end of the world. I survived that one.

2000: Y2K

All computers on earth (except for Mac's and anything located in Israel) would suddenly tick over from 99 to 00 and cause the whole of society to collapse. I survived that one. I had to work that New Year's Eve, too, just in case there was a computer failure. All I got for my trouble was a free polo-shirt with a Y2K logo and some free pizza at 1 a.m.

2012: Mayan calendar ends.

Hum. My calendar ends every year at midnight on December 31st. And then it starts over again the next day. And I get the day off. I guess I'll survive that one, too.

Posted by: BWeaves at August 27, 2009 10:28 AM

I wonder wnat the next potential "Doomsday" date is... Maybe 2029, when we might be hit by an asteroid named Apophis (or is it 2036?)

In fact, the world ends EVERY DAY at sundown, & starts over again the next morning.

Posted by: oskar at August 27, 2009 10:59 AM

Roland Emmerich does not make intelligent movies.

I repeat, in case it was unclear: Roland Emmerich does not make intelligent movies.

Going to an Emmerich film looking for intelligence or even science is like going to a $20 East LA massage parlor looking to work out some of that tension in your neck (or expecting to really pay only $20 to release tension elsewhere). His movies are loud and moronic -- but, as long as you go in with micrometer-high expectations, reasonably entertaining.

I like this movie. I expect I will see it, in the theater, with a jumbo-sized popcorn and a date who, later that evening, I will bang like the world is coming to an end.

Posted by: Neodiogenes at August 27, 2009 11:36 AM

I think the best we can hope for is a general cleansing of the gene pool on this date in 2012 when all the morons commit collective suicide. Something to look forward to, right?

Posted by: bibliophile at August 27, 2009 12:02 PM

Ever since I saw the "trailer" with the groovy 70s music I want to see this very badly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZW2qxFkcLM0

Posted by: Alex at August 27, 2009 12:08 PM

The Mayans believed the earth was destroyed and renewed over and over again. They believed the current version would be destroyed or expire, or whatever, in 2012. That is what is meant by the Mayan Calendar predicting the world would end in 2012.

Posted by: Kolby at August 27, 2009 12:21 PM

Another Comic Con footnote (yes, I know it was a whole month ago!), but the Emmerich spoke about the original concept for the film was the image of these big arks built to save humanity. That was their starting point, and while researching, he said they came across so many websites talking about this 2012 date.

So, one thing led to another and BOOM! Jon Cusack in scene-after-repetitious-scene just barely outrunning "the wave of destruction", or "the earthquake-spawned crevasse of destruction" or "the balls-of-fire hurtling from the sky destruction".

Note to the Emmerich: we get it. We got it the first time when Air Force One barely outflew the explosion of destruction in Independance Day. Find a new gimmick.

Posted by: malikvlc at August 27, 2009 12:22 PM

As much as I worship er love er LIKE John Cusack the last time I saw a disaster flick was War of the Worlds. And that was just a bunch of Ikea lamps.

No thanks.

Posted by: grace b at August 27, 2009 12:37 PM

Wait. Did you say that Chiwetel Ejiofor is in this movie? Godtopusdamnit! Now I'm going to have to see it. I may not pay full price to see it in the theatres, but I'm sure I'll rent it.

Oh heck, and even though I've heard he's a total jerk face, I still have a special place in my heart for John Cusack.

Sean - I like your ending.

Posted by: tamatha at August 27, 2009 12:49 PM

Alex - that, my dear, was fantabulous! Thank you for sharing.

Posted by: tamatha at August 27, 2009 1:07 PM

My theory is that he stands holding a boom box playing "In Your Eyes" while facing the big countdown timer while Chiwetel Ejiofor saves the day because, come on, he's Chiwetel Ejiofor.

branded, if that's not the actual ending, I'm going to be massively disappointed.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at August 27, 2009 1:21 PM

Wait. Did you say that Chiwetel Ejiofor is in this movie? Godtopusdamnit! Now I'm going to have to see it. I may not pay full price to see it in the theatres, but I'm sure I'll rent it.

Exactly. Ejiofor's got me wrapped around his sexy little finger. I won't pay to see this, but I'll watch the hell out of it online.

Posted by: jM at August 27, 2009 1:27 PM

Hmm. Trite dialogue, trite special effects, trite director. And yet I feel strangely compelled to see this. I think I'm a sucker for the end of the world movies. It's a problem.

Posted by: redhead at August 27, 2009 7:56 PM

Am I dreaming or is there a teenage Shawn Spencer in the cargo of the plane ?

I think, given that Roland Emmerich and Michael Bay share the same complex - a small penis perhaps - that we should be thankful that those two make movies, If they didn't, they'd either be simple pyromaniacs or worse (or even better), megalomaniac motherfuckers with dreams of world destruction.

I should really stop drinking before going to bed.

Posted by: rg at August 27, 2009 9:22 PM