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This Is Not Your Old Man's Moby Dick -- It's the Devil Himself

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (45)

340x_mobeydick.jpg

Step back. Ishmael is about to schooled. Herman Melville just rolled over in his grave, punched a hole in his coffin, crawled to the surface, stood next to his gravestone, and as the rain poured down upon shirtless frame, he gave a fist pump to the sky and exclaimed, “This motherfuckers, is what I call Moby Dick.”

Ahab can screw himself; 2010 Moby Dick has Barry Bostwick. He’s a Golden Globe winner. Ahab’s a Quaker. Point: 2010 Moby Dick.

Could Melville’s Moby Dick jump out of the water and take down a fighter jet? Hell no. Point: 2010 Moby Dick.

Could Melville’s Moby Dick swallow a goddamn torpedo. Oh, fuck no. Point, Set, Match: 2010 Moby Dick.

I guess we know what TK will be reviewing on November 30th (a Jennifer Love Hewitt Lifetime movie, of course).

(Major Hat Tip: Rykker)










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Comments

Does the 2010 whale have teeth? Screw you, Darwin. Point: 2010 Moby Dick.

Posted by: masonwasp at October 28, 2010 11:27 AM

Dustin, I know that was perhaps a Freudian typo, as I have the feeling one would indeed need a Pint or two to fully appreciate 2010: Moby Dick.

Oh, Captain Brad....why can't you leave Riff-Raff's poor pet fishy alone?

And to the producers; way to rip off the Jaws poster...dicks.

Posted by: bleujayone at October 28, 2010 11:31 AM

The old Moby Dick looked like a giant sperm. The new Moby Dick looks like a syphillitic cock.

Point: Moby Dick 2010

Posted by: Kballs at October 28, 2010 11:35 AM

Mike is about to miss the point/joke:

Sperm whales have teeth.

Mike is done missing the point/joke.

Posted by: Mike B. at October 28, 2010 11:35 AM

Did Melville's book have Gabrielle from "Xena, Warrior Princess" in it? No, it did not. Point: 2010 Moby Dick.

Posted by: luthien26 at October 28, 2010 11:39 AM

Looks like Oscar bait to me.

Posted by: Porkchop Express at October 28, 2010 11:41 AM

I guess we know what TK will be reviewing on November 30th.

Hell yes.

(a Jennifer Love Hewitt Lifetime movie, of course).

Die.

Posted by: TK at October 28, 2010 11:49 AM

As a deeply, nay PROFOUNDY large swimming mammal/icthyophobic person, the header pic has managed to reach far enough into my pschye to swim in the primordial ooze from whence all life springs and given me a set of willies so intense I momentarily feared that I would burst into tears. The graphic artists who perpetrated that illustration have earned their keep. As I rally back from the glob of protoplasm I have recently been reduced to, my essential Pajibaness is asserting itself and I will make by best attempt to be at least scathe-adjacent when I ask: Shouldn't the whale be, you know, whiter?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 28, 2010 12:07 PM

Profoundy, Ms. Julien?

Gosh, you are phobic.

Posted by: TK at October 28, 2010 12:17 PM

Thanks, Mike. Who knew sperm whales have teeth? Beside you and probably most folks educated beyond 8th grade. Point,Set, and Match: World.

Posted by: masonwasp at October 28, 2010 12:21 PM

Heh, Dick.

Posted by: admin at October 28, 2010 12:25 PM

TK-

I couldn't watch Finding Nemo in the theatres because it would be too much for me. When we watched it at home, I had to sit in a ball on the couch (in my irrational world feet off floor = safe) and the scene with the whale endlessly approaching nearly did me in. Plus, you know, the sharks and deep sea creatures with razor-sharp teeth.

Willies break.

I can watch Nemo a little more easily now, but can't walk around the room during the aforementioned representations so I'm going to stick with "profoundly".

And add a sidebar that as a consistently sensible person, I know my fear is irrational and therefore I watch whale and shark documentaries to confront the fear. My feet must be off the floor though. I don't want to be so rational I have a panic attack.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 28, 2010 12:36 PM

Looks like Oscar bait to me.

Oscar being the pet-name for Gabrielle's escaped Architeuthis that was flushed down the toilet by her bratty younger brother when they were kids, and comes back all these years later, insanely larger, to save the day just in the nick of time.

Posted by: Rykker at October 28, 2010 12:38 PM

@ Mrs Julien: Look away.

@ masonwasp: Among the first pieces of tangible evidence of the existence of Giant Squid were the squid beaks of terrifying size found in the guts of sperm whales.

The whales you're probably most familiar with are the blue whales -- the so-called gentle giants of the sea. They don't have teeth, but instead use baleen to filter krill and plankton.

/Captain Pedantic

Posted by: Mike B. at October 28, 2010 12:42 PM

@ Mrs Julien:

I share your phobia. I'm just not good with bodies of water at all -- whether it's rivers, lakes, oceans, my upstairs bathtub that doesn't really exist but I thought it would make a funny end to this set-off list.

And, like you, I know that my phobia is ridiculous. What makes it irritating is that everyone else feels like he has to point out the ridiculousness to me, too. "So, what? You think a whale's going to...I don't know...creep up on you in a parking lot?" My partner Zach will sometimes make whale noises when I'm in the shower. The world's a comedian when there's no respect for a phobia.

Posted by: Mike B. at October 28, 2010 12:47 PM

in honour of halloween,

Barry Bostwick is an asshole

Posted by: idleprimate at October 28, 2010 1:01 PM

Mike B.

re: @ Mrs Julien: Look away.

Many years ago, I went to the zoo and forced myself to look at some fish because of my rationality about my irrationality. I nearly cried. I told the story to my best friend. A couple of years later, I was trying to muscle my way through another irrational fear situation and she said, "This is just like the fish. If the fish frighten you, don't look at them!" It was a revelation and "you don't have to look at the fish" became my new mantra.

When people make fun of my fear, I politely point out that other people are afraid of spiders or snakes for no reason* and my fear is just a little unusual.

I need to hug a puppy or something. All this talk about things that terrify me has put me on edge.

*This comment does not apply to anyone living in Australia. Seriously, the reptiles and insects down there are genuinely out to get you. Not to mention the sharks.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 28, 2010 1:17 PM

I just showed this trailer to a friend of mine and he said:

"That V-22 Osprey doesn't have a front mounted cannon. This movie sucks."

Posted by: Paul Southworth at October 28, 2010 1:23 PM

Man, my spelling jab failed utterly.

That said, fish are your friends, people. Also? Delicious.

Posted by: TK at October 28, 2010 1:39 PM

TK,

I was too distracted by the fear and my own mondering to notice. Jab acknowledged.

Jocelyn

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 28, 2010 1:49 PM

Wait, Moby Dick threatens EVERYBODY? People in Kansas? What is he in control of a nuclear arsenal? Moby Dick:Even Dickier

Posted by: Mrcreosote at October 28, 2010 2:22 PM

Dustin, you've neglected to mention that Melville's Moby Dick was the most boring book ever written. 2010: Moby Dick could be the worst made-for-TV movie of all time, and it would still be better than the book it is loosely based upon. A documentary on the writing of Moby Dick would be more entertaining and interesting than reading Moby Dick. A short film featuring recording artist Moby's dick would be more fulfilling than reading Moby dick. Point: Moby's dick.

Posted by: EJ at October 28, 2010 3:15 PM

EJ,
Please stop pointing Moby's dick at people.
That's not nice.

Posted by: Rykker at October 28, 2010 3:33 PM

People are afraid of Moby Dick?

Psh. Everyone knows who the real threat is. That's right:

Dicky Moe.

Posted by: Perfect Tommy at October 28, 2010 3:44 PM

Moby Dick: Even Dickier
Sounds like a sequel.

Why don't they make movies like that? There is an army of stoners out there, don't they know that?


Posted by: superasente at October 28, 2010 3:48 PM

Moby Dick 2: The Dickening

Moby Dick 2: It's Hard Out There For A Dick

Moby Dick 2: Dick's Revenge

Moby Dick 2: Dick's Fury

Moby Dick 2: The Dickquel

Moby Dick 2: Dick Hunting

Posted by: Kballs at October 28, 2010 3:57 PM

Moby Dick 3: The Whale In My Pants

Moby Dick 3: In a Big-Ass Box

Posted by: Rykker at October 28, 2010 4:04 PM

I'm sorry, it's not Moby Dick. It's Mopy Dick.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9-B2EX-w3g&feature=player_embedded

Posted by: mswas in NJ at October 28, 2010 4:22 PM

Paralyzed with fear, Captain Ahab can no longer throw throw harpoons (or, for the modern audience, shoot sub missiles) at the great whale, thus leading to:

Moby Dick 2: Projectile Dysfunction

Posted by: luthien26 at October 28, 2010 4:39 PM

Looks like it's going to air on SpikeTV or something. What was the budget for that movie, 10 bucks and a blow job?

Posted by: Skeetikus at October 28, 2010 4:47 PM

You're both wrong....It's Dopey Dick the Pink Whale!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhzvB_7BthE&p=5A2D0E7A980BF47D&playnext=1&index=73

And sweet cuppin' cakes does THAT sound like a porno.

Posted by: bleujayone at October 28, 2010 4:47 PM

Why is the whale all lumpy and veiny? Has he been using the juice? Explains the anger . . .

Posted by: Lauren at October 28, 2010 4:48 PM

Now that the willies have abated somewhat and restored my powers of pretension:

Actually, the whale is not "the devil himself". From a metaphorical stand point the whale is God. It is a big, bad, Jonathon Edwards, you're nothing but a scurvy spider, puritanical, Old Testament leviathan of a deity. I imagine some of those nuances will be lost in translation. I also imagine anyone still reading this string will want to throw up on me for putting on airs and that I have squandered any goodwill I had engendered by sharing my fears. Be merciful, I have very few outlets for what is left from my education.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 28, 2010 4:49 PM

re: The Dickening

Hello Saturday night!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 28, 2010 4:51 PM

Moby Dick 2: The Dickquel

I'd like to nominate Kballs. For everything. Forever.

Posted by: superasente at October 28, 2010 4:54 PM

You're safely among friends, Mrs. J.
No worries.

Posted by: Rykker at October 28, 2010 4:56 PM

My brother's wife is also terrified of whales and the like. She would not go see "Pirates of the Caribbean" with me because pirates have ships that sail on large bodies of water, and in those large bodies of water can exist whales.

Mrs. Julien is in good company, as has been said already.

Posted by: Jana Jerusalem at October 28, 2010 5:05 PM

You guys are the bestest!

And I agree with Superasente that Kballs is the balls.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 28, 2010 5:16 PM

I feel for the whalephobes. Imagine flying to Europe and visualizing one of those suckers jumping up and grabbing the plane. But Kansas is safe - they can't hide there.

Posted by: Pat C. at October 28, 2010 6:06 PM

The world's a comedian when there's no respect for a phobia.

Case in point: Pajiba with all the fucking clown pictures!!

Posted by: MM at October 28, 2010 6:53 PM

Well. Moby Dick is my favorite book in the world. However, I am scared shitless of huge marine/aquatic animals. Conundrum.

Posted by: Az at October 28, 2010 7:18 PM

Moby Dick 2: Dick Rising

I looked up sperm whales, curious about the whole teeth thing. apparently they are called sperm whales because they have some kind of organ in their head that secretes a whitish goo people felt looked like semen. though more recently, it has been suggested to change the name to macroencephalus, or in layman's terms, depending on who you ask, either fathead whale or big dickhead whale.

Posted by: idleprimate at October 28, 2010 7:26 PM

the sci-fi channels next movie will be Squidwhale, or maybe Sqwual to be more creative. sperm whales, giant squids...anyone??...anyone?? ahh fuck it.

Posted by: Taylor Kozakar at October 28, 2010 10:26 PM

At Mrs Julian and the others scared of the ocean. Sorry but that is not an irrational fear. The Ocean is fucking terrifying. I won't go near the thing and I find it completely justified.

Posted by: Ben at October 28, 2010 10:51 PM

@ Ben: You never turn your back on the ocean. Or on kindergarten.

Posted by: Az at October 31, 2010 12:47 AM