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The Twig vs. The Square Jaw

An Epic Trailer Suck-Off / Dustin Rowles

Trailers | February 5, 2009 | Comments (21)

In one corner, we have John Cena, a wrestler of some note, who stars in movies made for the “Walker: Texas Ranger” crowd. He was in The Marine, which we actually have a review of, a surprise to me (and I apologize for the assignment, P-Step). Now Cera is in a movie coming out called 12 Rounds. He’ll play a cop. He’ll play a cop who chased a pretty woman in front of a moving car. A couple of years later, that woman’s boyfriend is out to seek revenge. The only real thing of note about 12 Rounds is that the villain is played by “The Wire’s” Tommy Carcetti (and from what I can tell in the preview, he’s pretty good). It also comes from “The Director of Die Hard 2,” although they’re smart enough not to mention that the director is Renny Harlin (I know, I know, I know: the Long Kiss Goodnight is awesome, blah blah blah) and “The Producer of Speed” (although, they conveniently leave out that it also comes from the producer of 27 Dresses, too). It looks like ass on a stick. Although, here’s something strange: You can hear Steve Harris’ very recognizable voice several times in the trailer, but they only show his face for one split second (it’s taking a punch). Why, conspiracy theorists?

In the other corner, we have Brittany Murphy. Not content to torture us with The Ramen Girl, Murphy actually has six films on her slate over the next two years (which is odd, because I thought she’d disappeared for good). John Cena could break her in half with a raise of his eyebrow. Nevertheless, Murphy is starring in a horror movie — one of those atmospheric, haunted house dealies, and OHMYGOD Thora Birch. Where the hell has she been, and why wasn’t she the one who got Scarlett Johansson’s career after Ghost World? (She may actually deserve Ryan Reynolds). Anyway, here’s the trailer for Deadline. It’s a snoozer, which is why I give the nod to 12 Rounds, if only for the presence of Carcetti and his cool fro.

12 Rounds

Deadline


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Comments

Oh thank god, for a second there I thought I was in a movie and nobody told me.

I hate it when that happens.

Posted by: twig at February 5, 2009 11:17 AM

There is a line


between


subtly enhanced beauty


and a face like a cheap kabuki mask

Posted by: AM at February 5, 2009 11:27 AM

Hurts me to do this, but I'm giving it to Deadline. Why Thora Birch, why? That makes me a saaaaaaaad panda.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at February 5, 2009 11:28 AM

God dammit. I am sure in a moment of weakness I will see 12 Rounds on demand, and, feeling bored and stupid, I will probably get it. I hate myself already.

Posted by: Snath at February 5, 2009 11:30 AM

What the hell happened to Murphy's mouth? Holy macaroni...

Posted by: Skitz at February 5, 2009 11:31 AM

I can't write in this spooky apartment. Oh, ok I'll let you stay in this enormous old manor. C'mon bitch, think about it. When on Scooby Doo did a creepy old groundskeeper put on a rubber mask and haunt an apartment?

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at February 5, 2009 11:37 AM

I've got to give it to 12 Rounds. That trailer was so chopped up I though I was going to have a seizure.

Posted by: admin at February 5, 2009 11:47 AM

Gotta give it to the honorable Mayor, now I have to watch the Cena flick. Actually, I probably still won't.

Posted by: c at February 5, 2009 12:35 PM

There is an episode of "Malcolm in the Middle", in which Lois serves Leftover Parfait for dinner. Leftover Parfait is made by scraping leftovers into the same casserole dish every night for a week, and then baking the result. Malcolm notes with some horror that one of the layers of this week's Leftover Parfait is last week's Leftover Parfait.

Which brings me to today's Trailer Suck-Off.

12 Rounds is clearly a reheated goulash cobbled together from the fetid remains of several better action flicks, while the third layer of Deadline's Leftover Parfait is actually last week's Leftover Parfait.

Hence, Cena wins... this time.

Posted by: Clee Shay at February 5, 2009 2:37 PM

The baddie looks like Flaming Lips' frontman Wayne Coyne

Posted by: Protoguy at February 5, 2009 3:00 PM

"There is a line between subtly enhanced beauty and a face like a cheap kabuki mask".
I misread it as "cheap Bukkake mask" Or did I...?

So we have "Speed/Hard" vs "The Scoobing" (The Shining meets Scooby Do).
At least The Scoobing has Thora Birch. Speed/Hard has the line "It's on the thingy". And some really bad actor-ing. It gets my vote for the worst.

Posted by: Odnon at February 5, 2009 3:06 PM

Wrestler of some note, Cena was only the WWE champion for, like, ever.

On a serious note, Deadline wins the suck off, because I have a fondness for Cena and a lot of happy memories from professional wrestling.

But there is no way in hell I'll see a movie starring a professional wrestler, don't think of me that way.

Posted by: George at February 5, 2009 3:50 PM

I got to give it to "Deadline". Britney Murphy has that rare quality to sound and act the exact same either laughing or crying. When she does either, its like the sound of pigs being brutally slaughtered to me. When she isn't doing neither, she comes off to me like someone who is still groggy from getting her wisdom teeth pulled. Is she like free lining 8 balls every time she acts, its either wicked manic or drugged out haze. Reminds me of my ex crack head girlfriend.

Posted by: Diablo at February 5, 2009 4:10 PM

Ok, so I have to admitting to kinda liking The Marine. It was mostly entertaining, which is all that's required of a dumb action movie. 12 Rounds? Looks like the same plot. Heroic Cena character, GF kidnapped, Heroic Cena must rescue her. Meh.

However, I also have to admit to almost falling asleep during the Deadline trailer. So.

Posted by: Gabs at February 5, 2009 6:18 PM

12 Rounds doesn't look as the Marine, which I literally had to turn off half way through, walk away and tell the internet about how much of a hack John Cena is, 12 rounds makes me think that if I focus more on the narrative of a man having to jump through 12 hoops to save his partner then that's fine then some wanna-be Rambo flick the Marine was...

I dunno, I actually liked the Trailer for 12 Rounds, Deadline looked pretty god damn Boring.

Posted by: RonnyK at February 5, 2009 8:58 PM

I have nothing to add, really. But when I saw that Clee Shay spelt 'Malcolm' correctly (my last name), well, I was tickled to see it. It pretty much never happens, and it's a non-issue if there ever were one. But the second 'l' thanks you, and so do I.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at February 5, 2009 9:28 PM

yes, they are famous stars!! wherever they go, there're always scremings and crowds!! when I first heard he is found on === Agelessmate.com === me and my friends simply go crazy and can't wait meet and chat with him there!lol

Posted by: teresa at February 5, 2009 10:22 PM

Deadline is gone. I guess I have to give it to 12 Rounds for not caring enough to remove unauthorized trailers? Or do I give it to Deadline for removing what would have been actual publicity for their film?

Posted by: Phaeolus at February 5, 2009 11:49 PM

I applaud you Dustin
You always find a way to talk about Reynolds.
That's love
That's caring

Posted by: James at February 6, 2009 2:39 PM

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Posted by: kelly at February 8, 2009 9:12 PM

"The only real thing of note about 12 Rounds is that the villain is played by “The Wire’s” Tommy Carcetti (and from what I can tell in the preview, he’s pretty good)."

Are you joking? They had almost 12 different versions of the trailer that have this guy telling Cena the next task he has to do, and he sounds like a schmuck. There is nothing menacing or dark about his voice. I couldn't take someone seriously if they threatened me in that voice over the phone. Unfortunately since this in a Cena spank fest they don't show any other actor in the trailer longer than 2 seconds so he might add some kind of physical presence, but the 2 seconds I saw sucked.


-This is ironic, the director of Die Hard 2 directs a movie that steals the premise of Die Hard 3. Simple Simon met a pie-man...

How many different iterations of this plot device can you all name. Starting... NOW!

Posted by: Mac at March 28, 2009 1:29 PM