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Which is the Worst Idea? Zoolander 2 or Speed 3?

Doesn’t Matter — You Get Both! Maybe / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | December 3, 2008 | Comments (35)

Ah, glorious sequel news. Ben Stiller confirmed that there will, indeed, be a sequel to Zoolander, that huge, blockbuster $45 million movie that was funny for about 15 minutes before the joke wore incredibly thin. Turns out, Stiller thinks he can run that goddamn joke into the ground for another 100 minutes. And good God: Putting Ben Stiller, Will Ferrell, and Owen Wilson in the same movie again is like finding a one-trick pony with 12 legs. Actually, I bet that’s a pretty good trick. Anyway, by “confirmed,” I of course mean that Stiller said that he thinks it’d be a really good idea if someone wrote a funny script. And by funny script, I mean a Ben Stiller script, which is to say, Not Funny.

Elsewhere, somebody somewhere is digging up scurrilous rumors that Speed 3 not only in development, but that they’re trying to persuade Keanu Reeves to return, while somebody somewhere else is saying that Keanu Reeves says it’s all bullshit. However, that same somebody who said that Keanu has nothing to do with Speed 3 also said that he isn’t ruling out a Bill and Ted’s sequel. And while everyone is busy making up shit, I’m gonna go ahead and offer up my own rumor: Keanu Reeves is in “intense negotiations” to reprise his role in a sequel to The Lake House, wherein he will stick himself in a mailbox and airmail himself two years into the future, where he’s forced to star in ill-advised sequels. And by “intense negotiations,” of course, I mean: I’m talking out of my ass. The only difference between me and AICN? I’m actually admitting it.


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Comments

Anything involving Ben Stiller automatically wins worst whatever it is - idea, movie, TV or variety special...

Posted by: Cindy at December 3, 2008 1:21 PM

I'm a closet Zoolander fan and I think it's a terrible idea

Posted by: anikitty at December 3, 2008 1:28 PM

Yep, that did it. My soul just died.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at December 3, 2008 1:28 PM

Just as long as Keanu keeps his tanned, well-intentioned, utterly talentless ass away from Cowboy Bebop I have no problems.

Also, I love a big pile of Ben Stiller hate as much as the next person, but Tropic Thunder was really good.

Posted by: twig at December 3, 2008 1:28 PM

I watched Tropic Thunder last weekend Twig and laughed my ass off. The scene with the panda was priceless.

Posted by: Julie at December 3, 2008 1:29 PM

Zoolander is gold. Gold!

"What is this? A center for ants? How are kids supposed to learn if they can't even fit inside the building? The center has to be at least... three times this big."

"He's absolutely right."

That said, please let there not be a sequel.

Posted by: Macafee at December 3, 2008 1:30 PM

Ok, brainstorm time again...get this:

Five years from now...terror is increasing its grip on our Government, and all thanks to the nefariously evil Mugatu (Will Ferrell) and his like of designer gloves that kill you unless you move your hands at a certain speed. The world is in peril, after these gloves are "tested" by Mugatu at the Milan Fashion Show, causing the deaths of many conveniently cameoed celebrities. (Among them, David Bowie, Billy Zane, and Paris Hilton. Really, what are they doing with their careers anyway?)

Mugatu has planned the gloves for a Christmas release, along with a new plus sized model...Senior Amore (John C. Reilly). Senior Amore is a double agent for Spanish intelligence who's so undercover he's working for the bad guys. (This inner turmoil makes all the ladies look past his beer gut, which will be prominently featured for laughs, and stare into his soul, thus attracting them to him like flies to shit.)

There's only one man...NO, TWO men who can stop this menace. Derek (Ben Stiller) and Hansel (Owen Wilson). The only problem is...the Government will have to find them. Derek has since retired to run the "The Derek Zoolander Institute for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Want to do Other Stuff Too", and Hansel has become a Scientologist who's gone on to spread the gospel amongst the world. Somehow though, they are called back into action and they'll be reintroduced to the way things are done int he Fashion World...really gayly and with minimal thought.

Together with their own plus sized model companions Sven and Bjorn (Jack Black and Jonah Hill), they'll form their own A-Team and take down Mugatu for good...but only if they can master their new "group look": "Attack Force Delta". A look so powerful, so piercing, that it has to be attempted with four men.

Note to any Studio Execs' assistants who read this: Zoolander Too (get it?!) will be THE blockbuster hit of the January to March timeframe of 2012. I would suggest fast tracking this idea, as well as pushing for a major promotional campaign on VH1, MTV, and any other culurally relevant means.

Note to any Studio Execs, with a grasp of basic math, who read this:

(Bourne Identity + Zoolander 1)/Epic,Date,Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans = Zoolander Too!

Note to any Studio Execs, without a grasp of basic math, who read this:

Movie GOOD! Money GOOD! Give money to Mike R.! You make money! Money!

Posted by: Mike R. at December 3, 2008 1:45 PM

"A New SPEED Project Zooming Around"

Dear God Knowles, have you no shame?

Posted by: TK at December 3, 2008 1:46 PM

Twig I think my heart just skipped a few beats from the terror of Keanu attempting to be Spike. Oh,the HORROR!

Posted by: Morgagod at December 3, 2008 1:52 PM

The only way there should be another speed sequal is if it takes place on a bus for the elderly. Matlock has been kidnapped and if the bus goes above 20 MPH (which we all know isn't possible with any mode of geriatric transportation)Matlock dies.

Ah but the twist is that Matlock is on TV in twenty minutes. Do they speed up and kill Matlock saving themselves from fatal withdrawal and possible poopy diapers, or do they sacrifice themselves so Matlock can live another day.

Spine tingly dingly.

Posted by: admin at December 3, 2008 1:52 PM

I've often been branded a heretic by my friends for saying so, but I've always thought that Zoolander sucked major balls. I know it's supposed to be hilarious and get funnier with repeat viewings aided by chemical enhancement or liquid libation but no amount of inebriation could make me consider this overdrawn sketch comedy "funny." I've suffered though the film several times for the benefit of friends who are convinced that I'm missing out on something great and that they're going to be the ones to open my eyes to it's many splendors and yucks. Without fail, every time, at the end of the movie instead of levity I feel both dumber and dirty. Like I'm polite laughing at a joke told by a retard so as not to offend anyone else in the room. Ben Stiller pouting at the camera just isn't funny, no matter how many times he does it or what he wraps the schtick in.

Posted by: Roaddog at December 3, 2008 1:59 PM

Dammit, I proofread that and everything and still fucked up an "its." Sorry all.

Posted by: Roaddog at December 3, 2008 2:01 PM

You know, Hollywood manages to give us these "future classics", and yet they've failed to deliver on the Super Mario Brothers sequel they promised us oh so long ago.

The world truly is cruel and unjust.

Posted by: Mike R. at December 3, 2008 2:07 PM

Wow! There's an ad on this page INTRODUCING the new comedy team of Stiller and Meara, and in the photo they're (GASP) YOUNG!

Posted by: BWeaves at December 3, 2008 2:17 PM

Can admin & Mike R. please start writing movies together? Please?

With cherries on top?

Posted by: Kayanne at December 3, 2008 2:59 PM

The other day in the grocery store checkout line I saw these two headlines on side-by-side tabs:

Brad to Jen: I'm sorry!

Brad: Shut up, Jen!

So, yeah, I'm totally confused about what to believe too.

Posted by: bucdaddy at December 3, 2008 3:00 PM

Gah, I wish another Bill & Ted movie could be cool, but I just don't see it.
Is Alex Winter(s?) even still around? Or did the Coreys slay him for all eternity?

Posted by: VeinsRHiways at December 3, 2008 3:43 PM

Mike R. is far more talented than I Kayanne. I'm more of an idea person.

Speed 3: Get Off My Lawn

Posted by: admin at December 3, 2008 4:05 PM

Admin, stop that! I believe you're just as talented as I! I love the idea Speed 3: Get Off My Lawn, though if I'm not mistaken Speed 3 was already made...it's called "The Lake House", and it sucked.

And in response to Kayanne's suggestion, I think we should write films together, but only for an unlimited supply of Coke. (Zero if possible, though Cherry or Diet with Lime would be fine. NO COKE II!)

Posted by: Mike R. at December 3, 2008 4:13 PM

Dammit Mike R. everytime somebody mentions "The Lake House" all I can picture is the Family Guy episode where Keanu puts his junk in the mail box.

I think we can get this thing off the ground but we're going to need whores to go with that Coke. It's like peanut butter and jelly. You have to have one with the.....Ohhhhh like Coca-Cola. Ummm.... never mind the whores, but we can have rum right?

And whores?

Posted by: admin at December 3, 2008 4:25 PM

Ben Stiller needs to stop writing scripts and perhaps just stick to acting like the egotistical maniac that he is. NONE of his ideas for comedies are any good. Period.

Posted by: ph at December 3, 2008 4:27 PM

I can agree to the unlimited supply of Coke (the soda) and rum, but if I find y'all an unlimited supply of whores I doubt any work will get done.

Which, coincidentally, is why those 1000 monkeys have not been able to bang out a copy of Shakespeare.

Posted by: Kayanne at December 3, 2008 4:51 PM

Kayanne the whores are for taking dictation. You dirty, filthy minded deviant.

Posted by: admin at December 3, 2008 4:56 PM

You dirty, filthy minded deviant.

You're the only one I've met who has spun that personality trait as a bad thing.

Posted by: Kayanne at December 3, 2008 5:10 PM

I did no such thing.

Posted by: admin at December 3, 2008 5:59 PM

Good!

But if that's all you want, can't I just get you a stenographer? That just happens to be conservatively dressed? Wouldn't that be enough?

Heh, now get me my script!

Posted by: Kayanne at December 3, 2008 6:21 PM

I'll admit that a few lines from Zoolander did slay me (mostly Will Ferrell's), but as much as I did giggle, I'd rather eat my own testicle than pay to see another Ben Stiller movie.

He. Is. Not. Funny.

And Owen Wilson will never be funny again. The suicide attempt kinda dampened that comedic charm he had for me. It'd be like Amy Winehouse taking stage at..well, anywhere. Just not funny.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at December 3, 2008 7:05 PM

I am doing myself a favor and banning Tropic Thunder and this potential crapfest from my precious eyeballs. Only the good shit for these babies!

Posted by: ph at December 3, 2008 7:12 PM

I didn't have time at work to read Mike R.'s pitch. That is fucking funny as hell, my friend. You are really good at that... Why aren't you doing this for a living!?

(Oh, I also like yours, admin, it's just that Mike R. kicks out these completely thought out things that I'm pretty sure he's actually got sitting in a secret "screenplay drawer" in his house somewhere.)

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at December 3, 2008 8:41 PM

I know AvB, dude needs to take Stiller to school.

Kayanne I'll take the steno. Just make sure she's brunette, hair in a bun, glasses, white blouse up to her neck, black pencil skirt, black stockings, heels and frilly undergarments and I'm good to go.

Posted by: admin at December 3, 2008 8:53 PM

admin Oh, I know where to find a lady right to the t... Damn wait, I'm not a steno. Oh well, I'll put an ad out on craig's list, that always leads to classy applicants.

Well, since I'm playing Producer, what does Mike R. need to get a movie done. He has so many crazy cool ideas... Man, you gots to make those movies.

Posted by: Kayanne at December 3, 2008 9:41 PM

Kayanne, my demands are simple...
1.) A modest to big budget. Not big enough to force bad decisions, but not small enough to limit me terribly much.
2.) A room to write, a laptop to write at, and a beverage.
3.) Someone to bounce ideas with...Admin is just the start.
4.) Some sort of sushi buffet for lunch (It's healthy, and people love sushi.)
5.) Full veto power in Hollywood. If I see a script, actor/actress, or trend I don't like, I kill it dead.

AvB, the reason I'm not doing this for a living is because no one big has read my work; and the reasoning behind that is the assistants to the Studio Execs steal my scripts, rewrite them, and pitch them to the Execs with Basic to No Math Skills. It happened to me with Live Free or Die Hard (my draft ended with a plane emergency landing in DC, only to reveal Samuel L. Jackson's "Zeus" character turning out to be under witness protection...as FBI agent Neville Flynn. He'd kick open the door, strangle some snakes, and say "HEY MCCLANE! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO START THE MOTHERFUCKIN' PARTY WITHOUT ME!"), it happened to me with my He Man project (a friend and I wrote a huge lesbian orgy for that one which would have featured Keira Knightley, Mandy Moore, and Lindsay Lohan. The hot, pre Coke fiend, pink taco munching LiLo mind you. 80 minutes long, that scene. Also, we were courting John Woo to direct and casting Travolta as Skeletor and Nicholas Cage as He Man. Or was it the other way around? It really works both ways!) , and it happened to me with The Happening (That got submitted as planned...I just did it to spite the system, and the system spited me. Sorry, everyone!)

The point, AvB is maybe I'm not to be trusted with a film of my own. Oh who the fuck am I kidding? I'm just gonna crank another one of these babies out next time someone mentions a project in development. Go ahead, throw something my way!

Posted by: Mike R. at December 3, 2008 10:32 PM

Zoolander 2 - yeah!!!!!!!!!! Can't wait, i love Zoolander.

Posted by: Neena at December 4, 2008 8:55 AM

You know, I hated Zoolander when I first saw it. HATED it. Then I saw it drunk with fans of the movie and loved it. But like others, I don't think there's that much more territory to cover in that world. I mean it's hollow and superficial, right? That's kind of the point? Devoting an entire movie to spoofing male models was a stretch in the first place.

Posted by: Eep at December 4, 2008 12:46 PM

Speed was on a bus
Speed 2 was on a boat

So a logical progression would be to set Speed 3 on a steam roller. If it drops below one mile per hour, it would still be moving faster than Keanu's brain.

Posted by: hendero at December 4, 2008 1:58 PM