Pajiba

And they didn't have a problem with the Good Luck Chuck poster?

How is that poster dirty? Their heads are in the wrong places.

For those of you wondering as to the specifics of the Canadian greeting, it goes like this: It lasts approximately 20 to 30 minutes, and starts off passionate kissing, followed by ten minutes of oral, and then 15 to 20 minutes of fucking (three or four positions, each lasting five minutes), followed by the money shot. This is the appropriate way to greet friends, strangers, Pizza Delivery Boys, Mechanics and Plumbers.

I think most Pajibans will follow Julie's suggestion and wear hoodies to go see this. Efrons everywhere!

Well, most guys I know are perfectly happy to get their knob polished, but when you look for a little reciprocation, they act like you asked them to go down on their mom. So, at least in my experience, yes- rare, special occasion.

Okay, I'm gonna risk assuming that you don't know me all too well and are winding me up...

You're saying this is something that needs to be requested, and needs to be requested as reciprocation as well, as it would be unthinkable as an initial, let alone isolated, activity, never MIND something you didn't have to mention.

So I'll go and quote Fred Schneider:

GET OUT OF THE STATE!! GET OUT OF THE STATE YOU'RE IN!!

Hm. Maybe I need to be friends with Jay....

Hey, I do what I can with what I've got, but what I can do I also like a lot.

Eddie Izzard's phrase is "penis ambivalent". After all, I thought I was there because I'm excited about the female body. All's I care is that I get in the game here and there.

Oh how I wish 'Ernest Cline's: "Cunning Linguistcs" spoken word was available on the internets.

It is relevant to this moment!

The exact same opposite happens to me. My guy always wants to spend time at my Special Valley and he's never even hinted he wants recirpocation. Red flag or the perfect man? You decide.

Posted by: Sofía

Ahh, Sofia, my sweet little Parisian minx ...if your man is waving red flags whilst pleasuring you and has no desire for reciprocation, he's probably a Commumist.

Now, while I'm opposed to Communism as an ideology, it is scientifically proven that they are the best in the sack. That's science. I have a pie graph that explains it.

Long story short, you dig your claws into that man and do NOT let go. To that end, I recommend chloroform.

Well, most guys I know are perfectly happy to get their knob polished, but when you look for a little reciprocation, they act like you asked them to go down on their mom. So, at least in my experience, yes- rare, special occasion.
Lady, you are dating the wroooooong kind of men. That is a deal-breaker, right there.

Sofia, mi dulce niña Especial del Valle, that was supposed to be our little secret!

For those of you wondering as to the specifics of the Canadian greeting, it goes like this: It lasts approximately 20 to 30 minutes, and starts off passionate kissing, followed by ten minutes of oral, and then 15 to 20 minutes of fucking (three or four positions, each lasting five minutes), followed by the money shot. This is the appropriate way to greet friends, strangers, Pizza Delivery Boys, Mechanics and Plumbers.

Damn Jeremy, I'd think I'd be damn glad to
meet you!

Hee! "Special Valley". Awesome, Sofia. I'm totally stealing that.

I think I'm just tired and being bitter today. Mr. vB is certainly happy to "visit my Special Valley", and quite adept to boot. Of course, we've been together a long time, so that part of the relationship has waned some. I guess I should just go home and rip off his clothes tonight!

Oh, and Julie, I've had a crush on Jay for quite some time. I will totally fight you for him.

Also, I have a crush on Jeremy. I'm kind of a crush whore. I really should move to Canadia...

Fuck a bunch of reciprocity. If you wanna head south, head south - don't be so damn structured about everything - it's not a balance game. Don't do it because you "owe it." That said, if you're mate doesn't enjoy heading south... time to leave that beater by the side of the road and find a new ride.

So many things get said in the heat of the moment. But my mind is made up! I don't care who knows how much time I spend in the Special Valley...

Posted by: Che Grovera

Aw, Special Valley. That's sweet. My last Commie boyfriend called it The Gulag. I just told him, "Whatever, Komrad. You know the rules, from you according to your ability, to me according to my needs!!"

Any other pie graphs I should know about?

Posted by: Sofía

Sorry, no. But I did have to have a pie graft in high school. I wrecked my Vespa got second degree roadrash on my vagooter.

Why do I feel like the only thing Seth is doing in that picture is looking at her bellybutton? Maybe that's why Banks' face is so surprised. She thought he at least knew where he was going. Or this could be a shot right before she takes his head and positions it to where it needs to be. You can see it in her shoulders, she's about to strike.

Oh, Mella, I'm sorry to hear your Special Valley caught fire. The trees did grow back, didn't they?

Posted by: Sofía

Actually, the skin graft came from some dead guy's donated chin tissue. So...yeah. The trees grow in just fine, but if I don't do a control burn every other day the damn underbrush gets out of hand.

I'm saving up for electrolysis.

Fuck a bunch of reciprocity. If you wanna head south, head south - don't be so damn structured about everything - it's not a balance game. Don't do it because you "owe it."

Word. It's not about "your turn [orgasm] ok, my turn!" It's about being with your boyfriend and thinking "You know what's wrong with this situation? I don't have a dick in my mouth."

I'm sorry to hear your Special Valley caught fire. The trees did grow back, didn't they?

Hee!!

It's about being with your boyfriend and thinking "You know what's wrong with this situation? I don't have a dick in my mouth."
Posted by: Julie

I definitely have that approach. I do favor cock over dick, though. Dick sounds skinny to me. Cock sounds like I'll be walking funny for weeks.

Special Valley

Yeah, I can definitely see marinating a chicken in that.

I am totally moving to Canada!

I always had the opposite POV on the cock vs. dick argument. My memories refer me to the prose of 'Ain't No Fun' in which DJ E-Z Dick, proclaims he runs a station that 'slaps you across your fat ass, with a fat dick.'

Posted by: ms shai

I think they're for different occasions. "Dick" is what you use when you're talking about his cock to your friends. "Cock" is what you call his dick when your pissers are fighting.

Fat dicks, cunning linguists, chickens marinading in the Special Valley...

This is why I love Pajiba. It's a place where Commies, bleeding hearts, Republican'ts and pot-smoking Libertarians can come together and make beautiful, disgusting innuendo together.

Now who wants to debate whether Sarah Palin does anal, whether the 'giant wiener' stereotype holds true for Obama, and whether McCain has ever had kinky sex (i.e. missionary with the lights on)? I say no, yes, and only once, but it was for America!

AvP This reminds me of a quote from Revenge of the Nerds... "All Jocks ever think about is sports, while all Nerds ever think about is sex." Let me tell you, me and my friends not only look for the little man in the boat, we do it as often as possible. One of the greatest feelings I've had was waking up my then girlfriend and having her moan in pleasure.

As for the dick v. cock different, I always understood it to mean: Dick = the actual dick, while cock was more associated with the act of using the dick on said person; i.e. man, she was all over me so I wipped out my dick, strapped on a plastic wrap and gave her some good cock.

So, look, I didn't mean it in a "if I give you some, I expect you to give me some" kind of way. I'm not keeping score over here; that would make for some god-awful boring sex. I like what I get, when I get it, and I like to give of myself in many various ways, for the enjoyment of all. I also certainly do not want to make anyone do anything they're not comfortable with or don't enjoy, much as I myself would not want to, say, do it with a panda (no judgment on those who would); such being the case, I certainly never require that anyone go muff diving if they don't like it.

I only meant that alot of guys don't seem to like to give head to the ladies, which (speaking only for myself, of course) we enjoy very much.

I am glad that there are gentlemen out there who enjoy the carpet munching; I now have hope for the future, should Mr. vB meet the business end of the MurderTank for any reason. Not that he ever would. Or that anybody could prove it... oh, sorry, got off track there. I meant, for the future of young women everywhere.

We're dropped into the middle of that Special Valley like a troop of privates (tee hee) in 'Nam. I'd say I'm willing to go spelunking if I had a little instruction. Well, and some willing caves.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 5, 2008 4:49 PM

There's a band name lurking in there somewhere.

Troop of Privates?

Special Valley Cavehounds?

The Muff Jumpers?

The Willing Spelunkers?

Is it just me, or does Seth Rogen look a bit like he's about to throw up in this picture?

Approximately 70% of my boyfriends have completely neglected my Special Valley but that quite possibly says more about my taste in men than it does about the male population in general.

(results ALWAYS vary)

Okay....

There's a reason the man's got a hood. He needs a little protection, a buffer zone. Now, nothing's universal, but almost all of the time he's the guest of honor (we're talking very rare exceptions...BUT...never assume you're not dealing with any exceptions). You've just gotta be polite. This is a progression. The term "raw nerve" is just about literal here.

Now, everyone's got different preferences and sweet spots (besides the aforementioned one) and technique is not necessarily transferable between people. If it killed before and is bombing now, let it go and try something else. Just be easygoing about it, whatever you're doing. There'll come a time when elevated contact, pressure, speed, etc, will probably be welcome. It might even be demanded, if not necessarily verbally, but there'll be cues. The little man at one point may seem to be saying "gimme your best shot" and the hood doesn't seem to be there so much anymore. Stuff like "ouch" though? Yeah, don't do that, at the very least not yet. Complete lack of motion and sound? Maybe do something else.

Watch your teeth, man. Eeeeasy. But don't beat yourself up, this is all still fairly clumsy animal stuff we're doing here when you get right down to it, so it's good to maintain a sense of humor if we make a mistake or something goofy happens. Just pay attention. If something's really working, don't start thinking variety's the spice of life, GO WITH IT. Does she sound bored to you? I'm not saying don't have anything else ever in your repertoire, just don't go shuffling things in the moment if you don't have to. But if you hit on it, just keep going as far as it'll take you. It's okay to get excited, everyone's getting excited then. And if the finish line's a'comin, don't get skittish, this is usually like an airplane. Airplanes don't slow down to land. You both want to land. It can highly frustrating if you don't.

But when you land, back off that throttle and ease down, Ripley. We have a bit of a similar "whoooooa that's just a bit too extreme a sensation right now, thank you" that happens. It's just at a bit of a higher power level here. Don't feel bad if you're feeling your shoulders or chest get pushed away, or there's a foot in your stomach--doesn't mean something went wrong. And it probably didn't. You might feel tired, but it's a good kind of tired.

What, Where and even How many of 'em? Very individual stuff. Obviously I'm speaking for myself here but I won't even generalize on specific mechanics of various appendages. Ya just gotta feel it out and watch and listen, or go where the hand forcibly directs you (and the hand might also push something away). But always remember who the star is. Keep him in the loop.

Of course this also goes for the other stuff you do in the valley. Keep him in the loop. Maybe use your hand, right in the middle of things or, more urgently, if someone's collapsing in a heap. What range of tools are at our disposal? An engine's failing? Landing gear's having trouble? Use what you've got. We still gotta land this plane and get that little man home.

For those of you wondering as to the specifics of the Canadian greeting, it goes like this: It lasts approximately 20 to 30 minutes, and starts off passionate kissing, followed by ten minutes of oral, and then 15 to 20 minutes of fucking (three or four positions, each lasting five minutes), followed by the money shot.

What the...huh? Oh, right--you're in Quebec, Jer-bear. Here in the Maritimes, it's seven minutes of nipple action, a quick sixty-nine, and then twenty minutes of freestyle intercourse. In Newfoundland, it's followed by kissing the cod. Take that as you will.

Lordhelmet, what's the traditional west-coast greeting dialect? Popejenn, how about the Prairies?

Jay, you can reference my desk any day.

The thing that has me scratching my head is what on earth prompted you to compose such a piece in the first place?

Ohhhh. Optimus Rhyme solicited some advice, that's all. Nothing sinister or salacious, you know me. He was asking the women, but I thought I'd humbly try to help out in the meantime and dust off the stuff in my head.

Ladies, ladies, ladies,

has it perhaps dawned on you all that the reason 70 percent of guys refuse to go "down there" on you is because you maybe have something baking in that oven, or perhaps you've got what is called "the bad bush?"

...By which I don't mean the jungles of South America...

???

Aww, Sarina, give the poor idiot boy a break. It's only natural to fear the unknown.

And yes, I am groomed within an inch of my life (Closer to half an inch, actually,)

But no, I don't smell like passionfruit down there.

It's more of a cherry jolly rancher smell.

"...I've admittedly never gone down on a girl, but I've given head, and I gotta tell you I'm not sure who you've been getting it from, but they are doing it wrong...."
Posted by: Sarina at September 6, 2008 5:12 PM

__-----------------------------------------

*raises and lowers eyebrows repeatedly*

Hey there.. Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

Hate to repeat myself, ladies, but: If it was air conditioned I'd live in there. Now, who needs my address?

"...but perhaps instead like a Gay Farmhand?"

Hmmm...Don't try to think too hard, Che, you might hurt yourself.

Fucking retards. I can't believe you all are trying to argue against the merits of sanitary cleanliness, and you are WOMEN!

Tell you what, next time you get over your menstrual cycle, don't clean anything, and have your boyfriend, girlfriend, pet, whatever, go down on you and please note their reaction. You might learn something.

Hmmm...Don't try to think too hard, Che, you might hurt yourself.

Posted by: Lil' john at September 6, 2008 9:50 PM

This coming from the genius of "Lil' john"? Oh, the shame! Just out of curiosity, what contraction are we supposed to understand from the placement of the apostrophe? Little is coloquially contracted as l'il, so what is it that you're trying to communicate with lil' -- besides your own ignorance?

By the way, I meant "gay" only in the sense that is synonymous with "jolly"; the proper emphasis really should be on "farmhand" (any other interpretation is more of a Rorschach test on the reader than anything else). Words are fun like that.

Now let's see how the cunning linguist that is Lil' john fares in rhetorical analysis.

has it perhaps dawned on you all that the reason 70 percent of guys refuse to go "down there" on you is because you maybe have something baking in that oven, or perhaps you've got what is called "the bad bush?"

Posted by: Lil' john at September 6, 2008 11:02 AM

I don't have any reasonable basis for challenging your figure of "70 percent of guys", so let's run with it. Even if half of that 70% avoided "going down there" for reasons other than hygiene, that leaves a whole lot of guys encountering a whole lot of "bad bush" (unless that's one very active slovenly slut!). So it would seem that in your worldview there is a significant number of women who are less than clean. Interesting.

Um, kindly point out where I said "hooha's are gross," cause last time I checked, I didn't. I made a point that "hooha's" or whatever the hell you want to call them., CAN be gross if not properly maintained.

Posted by Lil' john at September 6, 2008 6:34 PM

Okay, so you didn't come right out and say "hoohas are gross" (there's that apostrophe thing again -- you denote the possessive form of a noun with an apostrophe before the "s", Lj, not its plural form), but it's pretty clearly implied by your derogatory insinuation that the majority of guys encounter "bad bush".

If you have ever been with someone who accidentally hasn't "freshened up" recently, you might find an unpleasant taste, and smell. That happens, and you tend to be less thrilled about doing it the next time. Hence the fact that guys like to go down on girls less frequently than girls seem to.

Posted by Lil' john at September 6, 2008 6:34 PM

There's that peculiar tendency of yours to draw sweeping conclusions from what one can only assume are your own bad experiences. I feel for you, I really do.

I don't know what the fuck your problem is, but in now way was I trolling. I simply made a valid point in a less than serious way.

Now that I've dispensed with the validity of your point, let's talk about why several of us have had a bad reaction to you behaving like a douche (see what I did there?) in this conversation...which brings us to:

Now Sarina, kindly pull out whatever the fuck crawled up your cunt and died, because you are ruining my day. peace.

Posted by Lil' john at September 6, 2008 6:34 PM

In my experience, the "c*" word is to women what the "n*" word is to black people -- so your indiscriminate use of it here, coupled with your sweeping misogynistic conclusions, tells me everything I need to know about you in this regard.

You were right about one thing, though, Lj. Thinking about you has given me a headache.

Anna, you are right, they probably do, as do the majority of women.

A hypothetical though: imagine you go to a restaurant, order your favorite sandwich that you get every time, and you get it, and, well, it doesn't taste good. You try to eat a few bites, but the taste just isn't the same. Then you take a bite and pull a 1.5 long pubic hair out of the sandwich in between your teeth.

Would you be a little more hesitant in ordering it the next time?

Probably. That's all I'm sayin'.

Che,

Because nothing wins an online argument faster than name calling and grammatical critique...

I'd better look out because I am obviously dealing with some pretty intelligent individuals and not a bunch of twats, fannies, pachingos, cooters, cunts, pussies, honey-pots, tuna flaps, penis sleeves, sausage wallets, meat drapes, beavers, fur trapper hats, harry twatters, pink tacos, vertical smiles and stink pots.

I still can't understand how an obviously satirical post has somehow managed to attract the scathing fury of obviously proud and hygienically "clean" individuals such as yourselves.

Wait, yes I do,

You're fucking retarded.

Ta-ta, ya'll!

Li'l John -- I'm not a psychic, but I've been getting some definite vibes for you here and...

I see diminishing returns.

In other words, dude -- STOP. DIGGING.

Mary,

I understand your feeling the need to defend your "friends" from my scathing and misogynistic posts, but it just lowers yourself to their level.

Digging? More like burying them in the hole which they themselves keep trying to dig their way out of.

I can always spot the remedial readers here. It's not just the seemingly irredeemable inability to use an apostrophe correctly... They always seem to need to shorten my first name. I'd give them credit for trying to piss me off, but they do it before they could ever possibly KNOW it pisses me off.

Sarina,

what you are not understanding, or what you are doing, is somehow assuming that I have an "irrational, paranoid" dislike for Vagina, which I had never said in anyway shape or form, and you have that point the focus of your argument.

I did say the word "can," but it was your desire to flame me that replaced the word "can" with "always," instead of, well, "Can." "Can" can mean anything from 1/1,000,000 to 4 out of 5. You simply assumed that I was here to spread the word that "Vagina is the Devil," or something like that, and here we are.

You could have left it for what it was: a bad joke. But no.

You and your friends, either not understanding the nature of sarcasm and satire, felt threatened and decided to come out guns blazing, insulting me, critiquing my grammar, analyzing the placement of the apostrophe in the name Lil', and claiming that I think all Vagina's are the source of the plague.

Let's act rational for a second, and bear in mind that the first post was SATIRE, and therefor untrue. This isn't the health forum, this isn't a medical website, this is a movie review site and you all are discussing sexual technique. The situation was ripe for a smart-ass response when someone, Noxbu, made the point that guys seem to be less likely to reciprocate giving head than girls.

Bearing that in mind, it would then be false of you to assume that what is categorically satire, and not true, is in fact somehow truth.

Excuse the personal nature of the questions but,
Do you swallow? Do you swallow for everyone? Do you swallow everytime? Would you say that every woman swallows? Would you say that everyone woman gives head?

(Giving head to a woman means taking a whole lot more fluid into your mouth than you would with a man. You don't even have to take ejaculate into your mouth at the end. By nature of the action, guys are automatically taking in a lot more sexual fluid than women are.)

If you answered "no" to any of those questions, why not? And could I then assume that you, or anyone for that matter, have an irrational fear of the penis because of your "no" answer?

Why, then, would you assume that I do? Other than to flame me and start shitty arguments?

All I'm gonna say is: Male or female, if you've been exerting yourself, drinking alcohol and/or eating rich foods SHOWER and SCRUB...vigorously before you have someone go scuba.

Li'l John...

Around here, being called "gay" isn't an insult.

Of course, if you THINK you've been insulted, then... watch out.

And Che, you yourself drew first blood when you said my dick smells like a gay-farmhand. Calling me gay, huh? That's not an immature and homophobic response, now, is it?

Posted by: Lil' john at September 7, 2008 1:52 PM

You don't recognize satire when you see it? I can even explain the basis for my satire with more than simple assertion (i.e., it's satire because I say it is). I was invoking the quaint, historical, and entirely valid meaning of the word "gay" as it is synonymous with "jolly", as I was equating "farmhand" with "rancher". Get it? The fact that some readers might draw other conclusions based on differing meanings of the word is precisely what makes my comment satirical.

"...I once had a lover whose dick I regularly sucked. I enjoyed it; he had a lovely cock. He had hair on his balls, and they were fantastic, so I took them into my mouth anyway, although at times I would choke on his pubes...."
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 7, 2008 4:04 PM

--------------------------------------------------

AWE.SOME.

*Here's my card*

No! No! Take mine! Take mine!

===

BTW, I've encountered the vagina that IS the source of the plague, and here's my story of survival:

I'd just met this girl, did a little barhopping, and we were on the living room floor of the apartment she shared with three other college girls. I had her shucked and was heading for Special Valley, but when I got about nipple level I noticed something smelled funny. "Hmmm," I thought, "they need to vacuum the carpets better in here." When I got to about navel level, I thought, "Damn, somebody needs to take out the trash. Smells like a cantaloupe left out in the sun." Then I got to about bush level and ... uh-oh. That's not the carpet or the trash, it's ... If you look up the definition of "dilemma," you find that it means "having to make a choice between two very bad things." I have made my destination perfectly clear by now. I can either hold my breath and keep going, or pull back and obviously insult my willing hostess.

Ladies, I'm here to tell you: I took one for YOUR team, dammit (and you all FUCKING OWE ME, BIG TIME). Don't think I was there very long, but I gave it a damn good shot before I came up for air.

Amazingly, I went out with her for a while after. It may have been more out of curiosity: I couldn't believe an otherwise attractive and (seemingly) clean human being could smell like that. I think I even took a dive again, just to see if maybe it WAS the carpet.

In a word: Nope.

So for that and other reasons, that one didn't take. But since you bring it up, what the hell could have been going on there? Chemical imbalance? Hormones? What? I've dived my share of women and never encountered anything even remotely like that.

Popejenn, how about the Prairies?

It really depends on the season. During the summers we in the Canadian Prairies share an active motivation to leave each other bathed in a warm after-glow of mutual admiration, respect and rough sex. 10 minutes of soft kisses circling various erogenous zones, 10 more minutes of sweaty groping getting rougher, then the grand finale of being slammed up against a car hood (or bus, as it's larger and steadier) for at least 15 minutes. Many of us are late for work as a result of this longer ritual greeting.

During the winter, we're just happy if we hit the right hole. I can't tell you how painful a dick in the ear actually is, especially at 40 below zero. Our employers are more grateful for this season, as we tend to be on time to work.

That doesn't mean penises are gross, but there's a reason Jelly Belly doesn't sell dick flavoured beans.

By god, Sarina, that's the funniest thing I've read in a month. I will be stealing it and I will try to give you attribution as much as one can for an internet alias on an ostensible movie review site.

Good to see my designated drinker hard at it, even in the field. Carry on, meaux!

Yeah, I thought of you when I heard about that finalist guy - can you milk your proximity to his fame for any tangible benefit to the MurderMaid? Give me some warning before you do your cross-country tour, many people come to Vancouver and don't want to leave!

I don't know how I missed the rest of this thread, but I am laughing my ass off. Only at Pajiba would we fight about the cleanliness of pussy.

I'd wanna bang the Snorg Tees girl.