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The Best Part of Waking Up Is Efron in Your Cup

Oh Leave Me Alone. It's Too Early for This Sh*t / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | June 24, 2009 | Comments (34)

Wake up, assholes. Good goddamn morning. Splash some vodka on your face. Drink some petroleum jelly. Throw down some bacon bits. It’s Wednesday, motherfuckers. Thanks to a nearly three-hour midnight screening of Transformers last night, I’m working on less than three hours’ sleep. I’m delirious. And if I have to write this bullshit this morning, y’all need to snap your bras or tuck your stuff between your legs to get in the frame of mind to read it.

Here we go with trade item number one:

Zac Efron, the prettiest girl in High School Musical, has lined up his next project, and because we report movie news, it’s our obligation to announce this. I’m sure you’re thrilled. Now shut the fuck up and read on.

Efron’s next movie, so far untitled, is being described as a thriller. Wait, scratch that: It’s being described as a “sexy thriller,” which is perfect, since Efron has about as much sex appeal as a brain-damaged kitten with a sock over its head.

The script comes from Leslie Dixon, who is probably the most famous screenwriter you’ve never heard of. She’s responsible for Mrs. Doubtfire, Look Who’s Talking Now, The Thomas Crown Affair, Freaky Friday, Hairspray and (shudder) The Heartbreak Kid. In fact, she’s also writing the script for Mean Girls 2.

Wait? What! There’s a Mean Girls 2? Since when? How did I miss that?

Oh wait (furiously researches) — it’s expected to be straight-to-DVD. Oh well, there you go, Efron. There’s a wagon you want to attach your burgeoning career to: The writer of Mean Girls 2 and Look Who’s Talking Now? Maybe she’ll try to bring back fetch.

Now go drown in a toilet, douchenut.


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Comments

Well good morning sunshine! Thanks for the wake-up kick to the junk.

Posted by: admin at June 24, 2009 9:40 AM

Is he cross-eyed in that picture? Or maybe it's just dead eyes.

Posted by: Carrie at June 24, 2009 9:40 AM

Thanks to a nearly three-hour midnight screening of Transformers last night, I’m working on less than three hours’ sleep.

Did you lose a bet?

Posted by: twig at June 24, 2009 9:41 AM

Z'efron has the cold dead crossed eyes of a killer... with really bad aim. It's just a fact of nature.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at June 24, 2009 9:42 AM

Becoming an eunuch makes you go cross-eyed?

Posted by: branded at June 24, 2009 9:45 AM

Well, SOMEbody's in a mood today. If it isn't Mr. Cranky.

I couldn't possibly care less about Zac Saffron, I just wanted to say that something has happened to the site in the past couple days that is really fucking with page loads on my end. I assume the problem is on your end, all these flashing and spinning and giving me an epileptic seizure ads, so fix it, STAT!

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 24, 2009 9:46 AM

Thanks to a nearly three-hour midnight screening of Transformers last night, I’m working on less than three hours’ sleep.

You have my deepest condolences.

Posted by: lizzieborden at June 24, 2009 9:48 AM

It isn't made yet, it has no title, and already it's expected to go straight to DVD? Great career move. Keep up the good work.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 24, 2009 9:52 AM

i second comma's post. out of all the places i go on-line, pajiba is getting awfully AWFULLY un-page-loady recently. i used to could flit around from thread to thread and now i stumble about, waiting, waiting.

waiting.
oh wait, there it...no, waiting.

Posted by: gp at June 24, 2009 9:54 AM

Thanks to a nearly three-hour midnight screening of Transformers last night, I’m working on less than three hours’ sleep.

Who's pudding did you have to shit in to get saddled with that?

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at June 24, 2009 10:00 AM

Oh, fuck you Rowles.

Posted by: TK at June 24, 2009 10:05 AM

I fear little Z'efron (many thanks for that, Alex) may be suffering from makeup poisoning. I suspect this little It Boy has some skin "issues" in real life. I've never seen a picture of him where he doesn't look like he's wearing a fucking mask.

As for the slowdown people are experiencing, I suspect it has much to do with the Annual Gathering of Disturbing TMI from Pajibans in the "Five Freebies" thread. That sucker's already up to nearly 500 comments, and it only went up yesterday. I do not envy those who will have to tally the results.

And third, we are gonna get us an EPIC review of Transformers 2: Return of the Revenge or whateverthefuck it's called from Dustin hisself! So there's that to look forward to.

Posted by: Jerce at June 24, 2009 10:08 AM

I love you, Dustin.

Posted by: Snath at June 24, 2009 10:08 AM

I had a bad case of awful-midnight screening hangover once (Ugh...Saw III), and I required a big dose of high camp, hilarity, and intelligence.

Might I prescribe 25 mgs of But I'm a Cheerleader to get you out of this mood, Mr. Cranky-Head? How about a nice Evil Dead enema? A lobotomy of Who Slew Auntie Roo? An infusion of Roger Corman's classic A Bucket of Blood?

Fuck it. I ain't Patch Adams and I'm not handing out the morning cheer. Pull the stick out of your ass and move on from the awful movie. Stiff upper lip and all that.

Posted by: Robert at June 24, 2009 10:08 AM

He may not have the grown-up sex appeal your man-crush does, but Efron's never ripped off Peter Venkman.

The point? Efron sucks; Ryan Reynolds really sucks; and you're a fucking loser.

Posted by: Jacques at June 24, 2009 10:27 AM

I imagine Dustin stumbling into his local dive bar Stumpy's and loudly demanding "Whiskey. In a dirty glass. And spit in it. Then he shits on Battlestar Gallactica and Zac Efron. I rather enjoy this new pissed-off DR.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 24, 2009 10:30 AM

What do they mean by “sexy thriller”? I would like to think it's just lots of hot nudity but somehow my mind keeps thinking of the Mormon who thought a "beautiful vampire" (glittering) is the way to go. This sounds bad.

Although I'm sure many 13 year old girls think efron is the hottest thing to walk the planet. And this will probably be as famous as Twilight.

*pokes daggers in eyes*

Posted by: barf at June 24, 2009 10:37 AM

Bleh. Spike your coffee. Or gouge out your eyes. Hey, it's Wednesday. Why not both? Be adventurous, angry little reviewing man!

Posted by: Captain Steve at June 24, 2009 10:55 AM

To quote Frank Sinatra, "I pity people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day".

Hey, I think we can apply this to a 3 hour anal probe that was the midnight showing of "Transformers 2".

Did you at least get a reach-around?

Posted by: UncleJR at June 24, 2009 11:00 AM

That was Dean Martin. Get your goddamn drunkards straight.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 24, 2009 11:09 AM

It isn't made yet, it has no title, and already it's expected to go straight to DVD? Great career move. Keep up the good work.

BWeaves,
We can't be sure because of Dustin's stellar writing*, but I think it is Mean Girls 2 that will be straight to DVD.

* - I saw the moon walking home last night, dick**.
** - That dick is aimed squarely at Dustin, not you. Though, I'm sure it's not the first dick to be aimed at him.

Posted by: pissant at June 24, 2009 11:22 AM

Three hours of sleep, eh? Nothing better than taking care of a toddler while that exhausted. Throw in a hangover and you're gold!

Describing his eyes as "dead" is much nicer than the word I was going to use. I liken them more to a word that can raise hackles around here.

Posted by: katy at June 24, 2009 11:25 AM

I liken them more to a word that can raise hackles around here.
Posted by: katy at June 24, 2009 11:25 AM

"Moist"?

Posted by: Jerce at June 24, 2009 11:47 AM

Who would make a sequel to Mean Girls unless Tina Fey wrote it?!

Oh wait. Hollywood producers.

Posted by: ChristianH at June 24, 2009 12:10 PM

I liken them more to a word that can raise hackles around here.
Posted by: katy at June 24, 2009 11:25 AM
Misogynous?

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 24, 2009 1:11 PM

Moist Misogyny?

Posted by: branded at June 24, 2009 1:15 PM

*whispers* I was thinking retarded.

Posted by: katy at June 24, 2009 1:45 PM

Zac Effing-fron?

I can't be the first guy to have thought of that ...

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 24, 2009 1:59 PM

Gretchen, stop trying to make sequels happen, they're not going to happen!

Posted by: Erin S at June 24, 2009 2:23 PM

I wonder if the site is going all slow because every single horndog who ever reads pajiba is commenting on the freebies post.

Posted by: figgy at June 24, 2009 2:24 PM

Jeez, Rowles, who pissed in your Angry-O's this morning? Isn't Efron too bland to get this worked up over?

On the other hand, that was a brilliantly bitter wakeup call. Fuck you, too.

Posted by: lordhelmet at June 24, 2009 3:04 PM

Man, what is all of this hate? I, for one, think Zefron is EXTREMELY SEXY. No, I am not a 13 year old girl. I'm a married mom. I can't wait to see him in grown-up films. I quite enjoyed 17 Again. Yep, Zef is HOT.

Posted by: Lilly at June 24, 2009 3:33 PM

Well.

That was enough to snap me out of my mid-afternoon sweltering heat-induced daze and whip my ass into enough shape to get back out of my nice, air-conditioned house and enter a 105 degree yoga room.

Posted by: stardust savant at June 24, 2009 5:13 PM

"Sexy thriller?"

Is Robert Redford going to offer Woody Harrelson a million dollars for a night with Efron?

'Cause Redford would tear that ass up.

Posted by: Daniel Hall at June 24, 2009 6:47 PM