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The Unthinkable Has Become Thinkable

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (24)

akiraefron.JPG

HELL ASS COCK BALLS FUCK SHIT CUNT!!

The live-action Akira project, previously thought dead and buried, has risen, like a beast from the bowels of the underworld, to torment us once more.

The current news is that it’s back in the hands of the Hughes brothers (Menace II Society, From Hell, The Book of Eli), a directing duo who have never really matched the potential of their first film. The concept of “nuance” is pretty much lost on them. Not that it matters who directs Akira, because no one should. It should simply be left untouched. But nooo.

Now, we’ve got news from all sorts of reliable outlets saying that they’ve been auditioning actors for the role of Kaneda, and the front runner is…


Zac_Efron.jpg

Fuck you. Fuck you and die. I don’t know if this is rumor or not. I don’t care if it’s rumor or not. There are some things we just shouldn’t ever have to talk about. Bestiality. Tofu meat products. Oprah. Vodka martinis. And Zac motherfucking Efron in Akira.

All of you. Take to the streets and burn down everything.

(source: OneMetal)









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Comments

I don't recall Kaneda being a chick. Are they switching the character's sex to appeal to women now?

Posted by: Fredo at November 8, 2010 11:25 AM

You know what? I'm okay with this.

If only on the basis that at some point in history, the fanboys are going to burn a movie into the ground, and then we won't have to stop dealing with this shit again.

So, let's all just find out where they're filming, get your torches, broomsticks, LARPer weapons, modified Nerf guns, home-made lightsabers, and we burn the fucker down.

Posted by: D-Day at November 8, 2010 11:40 AM

Considering the two leads in the anime/manga are Kaneda and Tetsuo, I'm confused why Efron would be interested in the considerably more minor role of Akira and why the studios would cast that role first...

I'm going to take this like like I took the Justin-Bieber-in-the-Back-to-the-Future-Remake rumor, and just not even worry or think about it until/if it becomes official. The day that happens, I get a vasectomy. No child should be brought up in a world where The Bieb is Marty McFly.

Posted by: RobP at November 8, 2010 11:41 AM

@RobP: Efron's in talks to play Kaneda, not Akira.

Posted by: toomin at November 8, 2010 12:20 PM

Posted by: Rest In Peace at November 8, 2010 12:33 PM

I still can't hate Ephron as much as I want to because of Firefly.

Posted by: Brigs at November 8, 2010 12:37 PM

Trying again...

Posted by: Rest In Peace at November 8, 2010 12:38 PM

What, you can't embed video even though it shows up in the comments preview???

*disgust*

Click here! ------> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jafd97yJFOI

Posted by: Rest In Peace at November 8, 2010 12:41 PM

Akira movie = the last air bender

Posted by: madclawmannn at November 8, 2010 12:52 PM

[Credits roll. TV is switched off]
[Awkward silence fills the room]

Producer 1: Okay, what the fuck was that?
Producer 2: That's the sort of thing my son is watching when I'm not around?
Producer 1: Seriously, what the fuck was that even about?
Producer 2: I think probably like, the dangers of tampering with the...y'know...tampering with the body...the dangers of science or something.
Producer 1: That was supposed to be science? I thought they were supposed to be some kind of Gods. Do the Japanese worship multiple Gods?
Producer 2: Don't they worship Budha?
Producer 1: Oh, man...I have no idea.
Producer 2: They worship Budha, I think.
Producer 1: Well listen man, I don't know why Murdoch signed off on this piece of shit. Besides being incomprehensible, it's absolutely terrifying.
Producer 2: Do you think it's supposed to be scary? I thought it was supposed to be a cautionary tale. Like sci-fi...but cautionary.
Producer 1: Aren't all horror movies cautionary tales?
Producer 2: Dude, I majored in business law.
Producer 1: Alright...well, listen. Themes and plot aside, who do you see in the role of...shit, what were their names again?
Producer 2: We'll change the names.
Producer 1: Right. Whatever his name was, who would you cast as the monster guy?
Producer 2: The little creepy guy or the normal guy who transforms into the monster?
Producer 1: The big, amorphous monster guy. Akira, I think.
Producer 2: Zach Effron?
Producer 1: No. Twisting that pretty face with CGI would just ruin his marketability.
Producer 2: Then we can cast him as the buddy. Y'know the guy that was always shouting at him and chasing him around on his motocycle.
Producer 1: Okay, fine. That's good, I like that. [sits in exhaustion. brief pause] You wanna get high and watch it again?
Producer 2: Definately.

Posted by: superasente at November 8, 2010 12:53 PM

Effron is the next Dicaprio(maybe!)

Posted by: caro at November 8, 2010 12:56 PM

The best part of your should-be-EE-winning entry, superasente, is the misspelling of "Definately" by Producer 2 at the end. That dude would totes misspell that constantly, such meta character work there, sir. I am impressed.

And, I kid because I lvoe!

Posted by: RobP at November 8, 2010 1:06 PM

Kaneda is supposed to be a horn-dog douche. This is perfect casting

Posted by: Adam C at November 8, 2010 1:30 PM

I have no problem with this whatsoever.

Do you think they'll still do the part where Tetsuo turns into a giant testicle?

Posted by: meh at November 8, 2010 1:41 PM

GOD. DAMN. IT.

Posted by: EJ at November 8, 2010 1:54 PM

@ caro

how is efron the next Dicaprio? say what you will about Dicaprio when he was the same age as efron, but atleast we all knew he had very serious acting potential. efron will most likely never be able to act, and if he can, it will be mediocre at best.

this movie will fucking fail miserably, and then burn in a hole with uwe boll, and the hughes brothers

Posted by: Taylor Kozakar at November 8, 2010 2:19 PM

New question: if Dicaprio were a young actor today, would he have been on Disney?

Posted by: superasente at November 8, 2010 2:27 PM

I will single handedly hate fuck this thing to death. Then, I'm gonna go watch the original Akira, with the interpretation of 'this is what happens when you screw with great films' mentality. Tetsuo was just angry because they remade his fav anime... duh.

Posted by: Blank at November 8, 2010 3:49 PM

They want Morgan Freeman to be the Colonel. I cannot decide if that makes it better or worse. I'm leaning towards... worse.

I don't want a live-action remake of the movie but I'd be interested in a live-action TV mini-series that covered everything in the comic book. All six volumes.

Also, Ron Perlman as the Colonel.

Posted by: Ballymena Bob at November 8, 2010 3:52 PM

superasente nailed it, I'm not even going to try. I'll just hate the press material when they Americanize the names into Annie and Canada.

Posted by: MTGColorPie at November 8, 2010 3:56 PM

Have you guys actually watched Akira? Kaneda is a good looking teenage goofball trying to act tougher than he is, in order to get the girl and save the day. Watch Efron's performance in Me and Orson Welles and tell me he doesn't successfully pull off a pretty similar role.

Posted by: returnofthesmith at November 8, 2010 5:44 PM

But...but Zefron needs to be Kira in the American remake of Death Note. That is a wreck I really want to see.

Posted by: Shibuyama at November 9, 2010 8:35 AM

Why is no one talking about the fact that neither Zac Efron nor Morgan Freeman or Ron Perlman or any other white American looks the least bit Japanese, even though Efron is giving it his squinty best in those pics.

But it´s probably because there are no Japanese or Japanese-American, even Korean or Chinese actors. Right?

Maybe they´ll dye his hair black and I will have to throw up a little.

Posted by: The Mudshark at November 9, 2010 10:12 AM

As much as it pains me...IF this movie is ever made it would probably need to be split 50%-50% on "Asian" (flavor not withstanding because apparently Korean/Japanese/Chinese/etc are all interchangeable) and "Non-Asian".

There is just no way that a movie with as big a budget as Akira would take a gamble on an all Asian cast. It's only recently that a fraction of Asian have been represented on television without the need to do martial arts. I think everyone should resolve that this is not going to be all Japanese. I'll take it if it includes people like JGL as Tetsuo with a dash of tri-language Takeshi Kaneshiro and Hollywood's favorite Asian Ken Watanabe.

But EFRON?!...the Fail...しっぱい

Posted by: Ren at November 10, 2010 10:15 AM