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Your Total Recall Remake Will Be Directed by a Giant Pud

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (26)

kate_beckinsale2.jpg

I’m not one of those guys that loathes the Underworld films. In fact, I liked the first one and the third one (mostly for Michael Sheen) but I don’t credit much of their success to director Len Wiseman (he didn’t even direct the last one), who kind of demonstrated his penchant for mediocrity in Live Free and Die Hard, which I thought was about as close to the definition of “serviceable” as you could get. But, man: People loathe this guy as a director. I’m not entirely sure where the hate comes from, but I don’t think the level of disdain the average fanboy has for Wiseman will drop any now that he’s officially signed on to direct the Total Recall remake, the next step in Hollywood’s attempts to cycle through Arnie’s entire catalog before moving on to remaking 1980s Tom Hanks movies (oh, you know it’ll happen).

Anyway, that happened. And I’m sure it’s a very bad idea. And I’m sure Wiseman’s wife, Kate Beckinsale, will be rumored for the role of Lori (originally played by Sharon Stone), and I’m sure that people will rail on this movie for the next 18 months, until it arrives at the 2011 Comic-Con, and a few movie bloggers will lose their nut over the footage, everyone will get unnecessarily excited about it, then it will be released, and it will perform only modestly, and then there’ll be a backlash for a few days, and then we’ll move on to discussing the merits of David Ayer’s Commando remake and then, like all remakes, it will be completely forgotten about.

Circle of life, folks. Circle of life.

Kurt Wimmer (Equilibrium, Salt) is penning the screenplay.

(Source: Slashfilm)









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Comments

This is a horrible idea. It's not like the original has aged badly. It's not as if Arnold isn't a...

Y'know, I'm just going to stop now before I get a headache.

Posted by: superasente at July 30, 2010 10:36 AM

Jinx!

Posted by: Jay at July 30, 2010 10:37 AM

before moving on to remaking 1980s Tom Hanks movies

Turner & Hooch! With a CGI dog! Voiced by Tom Hanks! In 3D!!!

Posted by: Carrie at July 30, 2010 10:44 AM

You watched those old Arnold movies because they were Arnold movies. You knew what you were getting going in and you knew, with a couple of exceptions, that Arnold wasn't really taking the movie seriously. Basically you enjoyed the movie because it looked like he was having a blast making it.

Posted by: cfar1 at July 30, 2010 10:46 AM

In seriousness, is it a 'remake' or another 'adaptation'? I don't know how much, if at all, the original differed from the short story, but if it did is there a way they could bring a new spin to it, either going in a different direction or closer to the source material? Or are we doing away with anything interesting and going for a standard rehashing with fancier sets and special effects?

There better be a dude pulling a giant flashy red orby thing out of his nose though.

Posted by: Carrie at July 30, 2010 10:47 AM

No. Goddamn fuck and no.

If Hollywood is that desperate for movie ideas, they're welcome to come film me wiping my ass for a while.

The day they announce the Princess Bride remake, I'm burning that shit to the ground. TO THE GROUND!!

Posted by: ahamos at July 30, 2010 10:56 AM

Fuck the red orby thing. They better have a greasy, fleshy Kuato poking his combover out of That Guy's(TM) stomach or there will be riots.

Posted by: Kballs at July 30, 2010 10:57 AM

The original story, We Can Remember It For You Wholesale, has Douglas Quail be an average looking guy, not an Arnie. That makes the things he does seem even more spectacular. It would be a great role for William Fichter (who is a close friend of both Wiseman and Wimmer).

Posted by: Adam C. at July 30, 2010 10:59 AM

ahamos,
You basically described "Ass" from "Idiocracy." Seems that Mike Judge is being proven more and more prescient as time passes.

Posted by: Kballs at July 30, 2010 10:59 AM

I have a healthy dislike for both Len Wiseman and Kate Beckinsale, since Kate was in a long-term, daughter-producing relationship with Michael Sheen and broke up with him while filming Underworld to marry Wiseman.

She LEFT Michael Sheen. For oily used-car salesman director Len Wiseman. Ugh.

Posted by: MM at July 30, 2010 11:46 AM

Turner & Hooch! With a CGI dog! Voiced by Tom Hanks! In 3D!!!

We need to pool together to make PajibaFilms, Inc. C'mon, our ideas can't be any worse than most of Hollywood, right?

Posted by: D-Day at July 30, 2010 11:46 AM

For some weird (probably age-related) reason, I read Total Recall but my brain flashed out Basic Instinct. For a moment I was thoroughly titillated, then I resolved my confusion and just became sad.

Posted by: alone in the dark at July 30, 2010 11:57 AM

The bulging eyes scene would look great with some.....

wait for it....

3D!

Posted by: schrome at July 30, 2010 12:04 PM

Wiseman and Wimmer. Yeah, there's a combo of "creative talent" that fills me with confidence. Or is it fills me with diarrhea-inducing pudding...I like pudding...like I like Kate Beckinsale (with no Wiseman in it).

Posted by: Fredo at July 30, 2010 12:23 PM

Kurt Wimmer (Equilibrium, Salt) is penning the screenplay.

He wrote Equilibrium and Salt, he didn't do the screenplay for those. He also wrote Law Abiding Citizen (wrote), Street Kings (screenplay), and The Thomas Crowne Affair (screenplay). All of which are movies I like. Now I'm not so concerned about a remake. This bitch has potential.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at July 30, 2010 12:31 PM

Total Recall - only reason to remake it is to give that slut 3 realistic hanging boobies.

Posted by: Ted at July 30, 2010 12:50 PM

FUCK THIS SHIT. GREATEST MOVIE EVER.

Posted by: Vorax at July 30, 2010 2:26 PM

First of all, Total Recall don't need no fucking remake. Second if creepster Wiseman just wants to cast his slut of a wife to watch her getting reamed by other dudes he should just take her straight to porn and stop subjecting us to her crapitude. The first Underworld was barely watchable only because of Sophia Myles. Who SHOULD be cast in EVERYTHING.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at July 30, 2010 4:22 PM

In fact, I liked the first one and the third one (mostly for Michael Sheen) but I don’t credit much of their success to director Len Wiseman (he didn’t even direct the last one), who kind of demonstrated his penchant for mediocrity in Live Free and Die Hard, which I thought was about as close to the definition of “serviceable” as you could get."

Run-on much?

Posted by: Riles at July 30, 2010 9:43 PM

"You watched those old Arnold movies because they were Arnold movies. You knew what you were getting going in and you knew, with a couple of exceptions, that Arnold wasn't really taking the movie seriously. Basically you enjoyed the movie because it looked like he was having a blast making it.

Posted by: cfar1 at July 30, 2010 10:46 AM"
----------------------------------------------

EXACTLY

Posted by: Riles at July 30, 2010 9:44 PM

before moving on to remaking 1980s Tom Hanks movies (oh, you know it’ll happen).

I'd be really surprised if there haven't been serious Hollywood discussions about remaking "Big". Probably with Adam fucking Sandler.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at July 30, 2010 10:05 PM

This is truly terrible. It seems every time I turn around there is talk about a remake or reboot or adaption. It's seriously getting to the point with me were I don't even bother to watch anything that isn't new. I wish someone would organize a huge movie strike.

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Posted by: alice at July 31, 2010 12:09 PM

As much as I think Kate Beckinsdale is hot, I'd much rather watch her in a original and memorable film.

Posted by: J at August 1, 2010 12:43 PM

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

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