web
counter
 

You Using The Whole Fist, Doc? Trade News To Make You Kneel Like The Dogs That You Are

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (25)



smallville-s1a.jpeg

Greetings, you sons of motherless goats. Here’s a bunch of random trade news that I vomited up, just for you. Now eat it, you pigs.

Hey, did you know there’s going to be a third Batman film? You may have heard about it. Well, Christopher Nolan has added a couple more pieces to The Dark Knight Rises — Matthew Modine and Tom Conti. No word on who they’ll be playing though, but knowing how these things work, there’ll be speculation that’ll turn to almost-facts, and then Nolan will yank the rug out and make everyone look like morons. Yeah, that’s about right. (Variety)

One of the projects that’s been being developed since what feels like the dawn of friggin’ time is a new Fletch movie. It’s been linked to Kevin Smith, Jason Lee, Ryan Reynolds, Bill Lawrence, Zack Braff, and probably your mom at some point or another. Anyway, Warner Brothers, who own the rights, have hired David Mandel to write an adaptation of the infamous Gregory MacDonald character. I’m sort of conflicted about the project, since I absolutely adore the Chevy Chase movie, even though it’s almost nothing like the novels, which I also love. Mandel’s been all over the place — he’s worked on “SNL,” “Seinfeld,” and even wrote the screenplay for Eurotrip, a movie that I enjoy way more than I should. THR is reporting that they’re looking to make “a smart action comedy that plays out on a bigger canvas than the previous movies.” We’ll see how that pans out.

Does anyone watch “Smallville”? If so, why? I catch a couple of minutes of it periodically, just to confirm my suspicions that it’s terrible. Anyway, the series finale aired recently (did you know that Tom Welling has now played the Man of Steel more than anyone ever? That should make you sad), and here’s the final six minutes, as narrated/spooged over by a person who should be dragged through the streets with a shovel up his ass while people throw live badgers at him. If this is you, kill yourself. If it’s not, enjoy the knowledge that yes, you could be a bigger jackass:

For those who have seen Thor, which I quite enjoyed, you hopefully stayed through the credits for the final scene. Anyone who knows the Marvel films knows that you gotta stick around at this point, as there’s always a nifty little scene that gives a bit of foreshadowing into upcoming projects. In this case, it was a (SPOILERY) bit involving Stellan Skarsgard, Loki and The Cosmic Cube (END SPOILERY). Interestingly, Skarsgard recently let slip that the scene was apparently directed by none other than Joss Whedon, who is now in the midst of directing the mega-project, The Avengers. Neat, eh?
(Empire)

In one of the more interesting ideas to come around recently, the Australian horror/thriller The Tunnel is now complete. It’s an unusual project because, much like the German film Iron Sky, a good bit of it was fan-funded, via a system that supposedly allowed you to purchase frames of the film for a dollar, or something like that. Anyway, the neat part is that the completed film is now available, 100% for free, via bittorrent. Check the official website for more details if you’re interested. and I’ll have a review up in a couple of days. (The Tunnel)

Finally, here’s the trailer for Gut, which is strange and stilted and kind of… unsettling. It’s getting some pretty uncomfortable comparisons, and I’ve heard it mentioned in the same breath as the horrific Serbian Film. The trailer doesn’t give much away, but it makes me a little squicky:









Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance



The 10 Best Segments from the 2010-2011 Season of "Saturday Night Live" | There Are Two Rapture-Related Links In Here And Then I'm Done. Swearsies. Until The Next One.









Comments

Stellan Skarsgard

You know, I have a really hard time keeping all the various Skarsgard's separate. I am not even sure if there are many of them or if there are a bunch of guys who have a similar sounding last name.

In my head, there are three different Skarsgards:

1. There is an old one, who was in "Good Will Hunting".

2. There is a young one who was in "Kinsey" and "Garden State".

3. There is the one in "True Blood".

There is a Stellan, a Peter and, uh... I forget the other one's first name. Are there more? Are they all really Skarsgards?

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at May 23, 2011 12:41 PM

Peter is a Sarsgaard. No K.

Posted by: klingonfree at May 23, 2011 12:52 PM

Two are Skarsgards, and one Sarsgaard (GAAAARD! *ahem*). Stellan (old one) is the dad of Alexander (vampire one). Peter (the lone Sarsgaard) is the one who was in Garden State...

...I think I got that right. :)

Posted by: luthien26 at May 23, 2011 12:52 PM

Ahh, Eurotrip. Matt Damon's finest role.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 23, 2011 12:53 PM

Nice way to work a fisting joke into the intro to this post. Too bad the news of the Fletch project is almost as bad as actual fisting.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Posted by: The Wanderer at May 23, 2011 12:58 PM

Peter is just Sarsgaard, and is no relation to Stellan (Good Will Hunting), who is Alexander's father.

Alexander's the absurdly hot one on True Blood.

Posted by: Figgy at May 23, 2011 1:00 PM

Ahh, Eurotrip. Matt Damon's finest role.

Scotty doesn't know! Scotty doesn't know! Don't tell Scotty! Scotty doesn't know!

Posted by: Fredo at May 23, 2011 1:03 PM

Holy crap, I'd forgotten about The Tunnel. So glad to see they finished the movie; I love seeing a project like this see the light of day (no pun intended.)

Posted by: Markus at May 23, 2011 1:15 PM

My moms dead you bastard! She will not be in Fletch.

Posted by: logan at May 23, 2011 1:26 PM

Geez. I guess that Gut trailer is what happens when one cannot unsee.

Posted by: AmbroseKalifornia at May 23, 2011 1:26 PM

I've seen horrors... horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a jackass. You have a right to throw badgers at me. You have a right to do that... but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror... Horror has a face... and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies! I remember when I was watching season 4... seems a thousand centuries ago. I went into the living room to watch some tv. I left the living room to get some snacks, and this old man came running after me and he was crying. He couldn't see. I went back there, and they had come and hacked off every decent episode that advanced the overarching plot, or thoughtfully explored the Superman mythos. There they were in a pile. A pile of little episodes. They had been replaced... Replaced with half-baked rip-offs of Dawson's Creek, ham-fisted emulations of Twilight... And I remember... I... I... I cried, I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out; I didn't know what I wanted to do! And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it... I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought, my God... the genius of that! The genius! The will to do that! Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than me, because they could stand that these were not monsters, these were men... trained screenwriters. These men who had written with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love... but they had the strength... the strength... to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men, our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral... and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to write without feeling... without skill... 
without basic regard for the source material... without judgment... without judgment! Because it's judgment that defeats us.

The Horror...The Horror...

Posted by: Blake Shrapnel at May 23, 2011 1:30 PM

Don't worry Blake, to make up for it the Smallville writers have a plan to dress up all of your female friends in slutty ensembles, shag you senseless and then erase the memory. It'll feel like deja vu, but only for a second.

Posted by: Odwalla Imparts at May 23, 2011 1:45 PM

What narration are you talking about? That clip is only 2 minutes and seems fine. Why am I asking for the annoying clip?

Gut seems interesting but just in case it's anywhere near the level of A Serbian Film (Which I haven't seen and have no plans to) I'll wait for a review.

Posted by: Paultera at May 23, 2011 1:58 PM

Thanks for all of the Skarsgards/Sarsgaard info.

That was super helpful and I think I have it straight now.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at May 23, 2011 2:14 PM

Sorry to overuse an already regurgitated pun, but happy to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had put that movie on the backburner of my mind but now that it's done, I think I'll go make a bowl of popcorn and watch it.

Posted by: Nick at May 23, 2011 2:16 PM

Smallville was stupid, but fun. You can all suck it.

SUPERASENTE FO' LIFE!

Posted by: superasente at May 23, 2011 2:31 PM

Watched The Tunnel. Nice little movie with quite a lot of effective scares.

Iron Sky is Finnish, if I'm not mistaken.

Posted by: FabMax at May 23, 2011 3:43 PM

I'm pretty sure this is the Smallville finale reaction clip you guys were trying to show.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z07MMlFqGvQ

Posted by: Clark at May 23, 2011 4:33 PM

I'm pretty sure this is the Smallville finale reaction clip you guys were trying to show.

Wow. I'm fairly certain that guy was beating off in that.

Posted by: Paultera at May 23, 2011 4:57 PM

You're welcome, Pajiba.

Posted by: Clark at May 23, 2011 7:50 PM

Tom Welling is hothothothothot. (I watched the first four seasons of Smallville, then got bored. When I saw the series finale was on, I switched and my boredom changed to disgust. How many seasons did that show go on for?)

Posted by: Amy at May 23, 2011 8:08 PM

So... they made a movie about watching 2 Girls 1 Cup*?


*insert your own horrifying viral video here

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at May 23, 2011 8:30 PM

Okay, *I* watched "Smallville". Because of COURSE I did, right?

Every. Season.

Folks, it got to a point where it was like needles in my eyes, I sweartagawd. Then every like third or fifth episode, would either be "not bad" or "pretty good", and the hook would pierce my flesh, reeling me in for another week of PAIN and SALTED WOUNDS.

Frankly I'm glad "Smallville" is over. I think the show stayed at least three seasons too long, counting first season as Clark's freshman year of high school. They did some things right (Legion, JSA, Zantanna) a lot wrong (pretty much everything else, but like it or not Tom Welling and his non-Superman have woven themselves into Superman's legend.

Ca-ca-ca-CROWS!

Posted by: Green Lantern at May 23, 2011 8:58 PM

Wow - that guy sounded like he was losing his virginity to that clip. Especially when considering the "take it off" and "do it! do it! do it" comments. But given the "America! America!" chat, I'm pretty sure there were patriotic sheets involved.

Posted by: ban-Danna at May 23, 2011 9:17 PM

If 2Girls1Cup is "your own horrifying viral video" you clearly haven't seen any horrifying viral videos yet. There are some fucked up things on the internet, but lesbian scat porn doesn't even rank in the Top 10.

I guess it depends on what you find "horrifying" though. Personally I tend to be more horrified by violence and torture than by consenting adults engaging in sexual activities, however depraved they may be. But hey, whatever does it for you.

Posted by: jcollier at May 24, 2011 4:33 PM