April 8, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | April 8, 2008 |


The latest rumor studio hacks are flying up the flagpole to see who salutes is the idea of a Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure remake. And this rumor has some heft to it: Word is it will be updated (the phone-booth concept will be killed, obvs.), and the band will be called Atomic Gorillas, though the general concept is still in place: Bill S. Preston, Esq., and Theodore Logan will travel through history gathering historical figures for a school project. And given the intellectual deficiency of the text-messaging, social-networking OMG! Britney millennial generation, the idea of a Bill and Ted’s targeted at them gives me some pause: Will Justin Timberlake be considered a historical figure? Or will they go as far back as Madonna? Or better yet, maybe the new Bill and Ted will travel all the way back to the 1980s, and rediscover the better, original versions of all the movies the those Hollywood fucks keep appropriating from us. I mean, Jesus — how many of these films have actually been a success? Don’t you get it, assholes — we’re not going to go see them, and the younger generation doesn’t give a shit about the childhood memories of their parents that you keep dredging up. It’s a lose-lose situation, fucksticks. Besides, more times than not, the only thing you keep from the originals are the names and the title — just call it something else, for fuck’s sake. There’s not a legion of 35-year-olds banging their goddamn walls to see a remake of Sixteen Candles starring Heidi Montag, you know? We don’t even know who the hell Heidi Montag is, except that she’s some goddamn blonde who keeps polluting our media airspace. It’s a bad business plan, jackasses. And it just pisses us off.

Not that they give a shit, which is why they are also talking about remaking Short Circuit. Isn’t that what Wall-E is? Do we really need another Johnny-5 movie? You know what was great about the original Short Circuit? We were 12 and we didn’t know better, that’s what. You think you can recapture that we didn’t know any better magic again, Hollywood? Maybe if you keep churning out Superhero Movies and Norbits, we’ll eventually be dumb enough again to appreciate the divinely stupid films of our youth.

Man, I am so ready to stick a baseball bat up someone’s anal crack and tickle their uvula.

Shit, there’s more: Jensen Ackles, the other half of the Supernatural dreamboat team, is trying to one-up his co-star, Jared Padelecki, who will be starring in the Friday the 13th remake, by starring in a remake of My Bloody Valentine, which is/was about a deranged murderer who kills those who celebrate Valentine’s Day. You know what’d make an even better film? A deranged murderer who kills studio fucks who greenlight ’80s remakes. If you’re looking for someone to play the title role in So I Killed a Studio Flack, my baseball bat and I don’t have a lot going on right now.

Not all sequels/remakes would be bad, though. Just this weekend, Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate suggested one of the best sequel ideas I’ve ever heard: A sequel to Jean Claude Van Damme’s Hard Target. It’d be called, Easy Target, and it’d last 30 seconds. That’s a movie I can appreciate.

Oh, while we’re on the 1980s murderin’ spree, I should probably also mention that two more actors have been added to the cast of G.I. Joe. The Rock (Hector Delgado) and Brendan Fraser (Gung Ho) will star alongside Sienna Miller (The Baroness), Joseph Gordon-Levitt (The Cobra Commander), Dennis Quaid (General Hawk), Channing Tatum (The Duke), Ray Park (Snake Eyes), and Marlon Wayans (Ripcord). Man, I was just starting to like Brendan Fraser, too — he hadn’t appeared in anything I’ve seen since 2004, and absence makes the heart grow fond and all. Shame the lack of absence immediately negates that fondness.

It’s not all terrible news today; here’s one reason to have some hope in this crazy, messed-up, taint-puncturing world of ours: Denzel Washington is set to star in The Matarese Circle, an adaptation of Robert Ludlum’s (The Bourne Identity) spy thriller of the same name. Michael Brandt and Derek Haas, a couple of Pajiba favorites (if only because they granted Dan an interview a while back, and because 3:10 to Yuma was fucking great), have been attached to write the script. The book, set during the Cold War, revolves around a CIA operative and a KGB spy putting their differences to one side and joining forces to bring down a shadowy international organization called the Matarese. I’ve not read it, but with that talent attached, and another Ludlum book as the source material, I’m guessing The Matarese Circle might not be so bad. I might just put down my bat.

Oh, but: Somebody over at Warner Brothers needs to get a goddamn clue — when you have the hottest, most anticipated film of the year in The Dark Knight, the last thing you need to do is start some silly viral campaign, especially if it’s a spectacularly lame viral campaign. Check it:

See what I mean?

And what do you think about a great director, Fernando Meirelles (City of God, The Constant Gardener), great source material (a Jose Saramago novel), a cool cast (Mark Ruffalo, Julianne Moore, Gael Garcia Bernal), and a cool concept? Here’s the teaser for Blindness, which looks slightly underwhelming given all that it has going for it. But, I’m willing to give it the benefit of the doubt.

Finally, I still maintain that the original Hellboy was highly overrated (oh, put a lid on it), but I’m not going to deprive y’all of your Hellboygasms. Here’s the trailer for Hellboy II: The Golden Army, which even I admit looks cool, if only because the Angel of Death looks like Tom Cruise (and there’s always the Tambor factor).

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You Killed Pajiba, You Medieval Dickweed

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | April 8, 2008 | Comments ()



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