July 31, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | July 31, 2008 |


Deals

About a year ago or so, I spent an inordinate amount of time coming up with a set of rules and limitations specifically designed, in my mind at least, to create a scenario in which the Evil Dead Trilogy could be considered the best trilogy of all time. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to figure out a way to disqualify every single trilogy better than The Evil Dead threesome? Oh, shut the fuck up — it’s not that hard. Whatever. Point being: It’s all moot now. The last bit of news out of Comic-Con that we haven’t discussed to death this week was confirmation from Sam Raimi that he is working on a fourth installment to the Evil Dead trilogy, which will once again see Bruce Campbell’s Ash and his boomstick, which he will use to anal-ate all naysayers. And by confirmed, I mean that Sam Raimi said “he’d love to work with Bruce again,” that it’s “in the wheelhouse,” and that “he’d like to work with his brother, Ivan, on it.” That sounds like a confirmation to me, which is enough to turn my best trilogy criteria against me, damnit. I suppose I’ll have to rewrite the goddamn Guide now, replacing Evil Dead with the only other trilogy that fit the criteria: The Mighty Ducks trilogy. Sigh.

And speaking of the 80s (the first two Evil Dead films were released in the 80s; get your head in the ballgame, walnut turds), have you had the unfortunate experience of suffering through the new JCPenny’s Back to School commercial, which they are cramming down our fucking throats at Regal Cinemas? Do you know what it’s like to feel your heart atrophy in under 60 seconds? Spend a minute watching this video; I guarangodamntee you that you’re going to want to take a flamethrower to Pennys’ quality, affordable clothing. I just returned from the department store myself — I wiped my ass with their entire linen collection. It’s time we stop saying and start doing around here, truck nutz. Here it is, suicide bliss:

Hey! Hey! Hey! Ooooooooh, woah. Have you heard? Tim Burton is making a big-screen Alice in Wonderland, which will be a live-action/performance-capture half breed. Johnny Depp, too male and too old to play Alice, has been relegated to the role of Mad Hatter, while the Alice role has been given to Miley Cyrus. I kid. Mia Wasikowska will play Alice, and if you’ve never heard of her, you’re in good company. Unless you actually watched HBO’s “In Treatment,” in which case I ask: How’s unemployment, hobo? Tim Burton says he intends to keep the “essence” of the book, which means the Mad Hatter will be the lead character, there will be rivers of blood and an opium den where Helena Bonham Carter will play the Queen of Hearts and fornicate with Depp beneath a guillotine. Because, secretly, that’s why Burton makes movies: He likes to watch.

Raise your hand if you saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Now put your hands down, snot crusts. It’s the Internet: We can’t see you. However, for those who did enjoy Sarah Marshall, rest assured that Hollywood will not allow you to maintain your joy. They’re making a spin-off of the film, following Russell Brand’s Aldous Snow character in a movie called Get Him to the Greek. Jonah Hill will co-star in the film, described as a “very dirty take on Almost Famous, which is sacrilege where I come from (that being planet Earth). Raise your hands if you’ve already heard this? Oh, who gives a shit? I confess Brand was pretty good in Sarah Marshall (though, Jonah Hill’s character was near-abouts insufferable), but a little bit goes a long way. Why must Hollywood insist on making leading men out of the scene-stealing, quirky supporting characters? They stop being scene-stealing when they’re in every goddamn scene. Don’t. You. Know?

Random

In unrelated news, I discovered what was beyond the 7th Circle of Hell last night. My teething son refused to sleep, and would only stop screaming like a castrated hyena if I put on an Elmo DVD. Around 4 a.m., the boy finally gave into the Sand Man. On top of me. In such a way that I couldn’t move without waking him, leaving me trapped on the couch, helpless beneath the little guy. The remote was 10 feet away, winking at me. Calling me names. Laughing in my face. And when the DVD finally ran its course, it played the menu song over and over and over again. That song? A symphonic version of “Elmo’s World.” If they could make a movie out of the experience, they would title it, “Dustin Gets Raped in the Ear by a Muppet.”Get James Wan on the phone.

More Deals

Elsewhere, for reasons beyond mere mortals’ comprehension, Hollywood has decided to plumb the depths of the Looney Tunes universe and fashion a reel of celluloid out of the character Marvin the Martian. Because those three guys in Kentucky with Marvin the Martian mudflaps on their 1993 Suzuki Samurais wrote letters. And in Hollywood, a sample of three is all that’s needed to justify spending $50 million about a (warning: real logline) Martian coming to America to destroy Christmas only to unwittingly get trapped in a gift box. Fuck me. Yosemite Sam should’ve taken care of that green little shit when he had the chance.

In other news, Guillermo Del Toro is set to produce a horror remake of … ah, fuck it. I’ve grown tired of writing about industry news. Rest assured, if it was a movie anyone gave a shit about, Del Toro would direct himself, instead of “producing,” which is just industry-speak for exchanging your dignity for a credit and a few hundred thousand dollars.

La la la la. La la la la. Elmo’s World!

Trailer Watch

First up, a movie called Sex Drive, which looks like a cross between License to Drive and Superbad. I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or not. I just want to celebrate.

Next up, a trailer for a movie called Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, which reminds me vaguely of a book I once read:

Finally, for shits and chortles, here’s the trailer for Bitch Slap, a movie seemingly designed specifically with its trailer in mind. I won’t lie to you, though. The little devil-horned frat boy that lives on my left shoulder is whispering, “Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!” into my ear. Hang on a sec. Shut the fuck up! What kind of douche drinks beer with lime in it?” Sorry. Here we go (Boobies):

evil-dead-2-crazy-ash-27.jpg
Yo She-Bitch. Let's Go.

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | July 31, 2008 | Comments ()



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