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The Daily Trade Round-Up / Daniel Carlson

Trade News | August 12, 2008 | Comments (55)

I’ll be honest, I’m still a little drunk right now. Not a lot, true, but I’m still sliding down the back of a buzz I tied on at the office. The only appreciable difference this will bring to my trade round-up is that, while some weeks it seems like I’m just pretending to care, this time I will in all likelihood actually cease to care.

There’s some Tom Cruise news this week. Reading about Tom Cruise is like reading a Christmas letter from your crazy uncle who keeps bragging on their socially maladjusted kid. First up is a project called Food Fight, to which Cruise is rumored to be “loosely attached.” (This is trade speak for “We couldn’t confirm by press time but had already pulled the art.”) The film is set to be written by Adam Brooks, the writer-director of Definitely, Maybe. It deals with a stuck-up New York chef who, for unknown but probably very stupid reasons, winds up cooking at a school cafeteria. It’s safe to say that something will explode, and food will be splattered over Cruise’s shirt at one point.

Bull Durham is on TV as I write this. Bull Durham is infinitely better than anything I will be discussing today.

The other bit of Cruise news is that he’s being replaced as the titular spy in Edwin A. Salt. Kurt Wimmer (Sphere, Street Kings, and other equally embarrassing titles) will rewrite the screenplay, which is going to take some doing, since Cruise’s replacement is going to be Angelina Jolie. Yep. They’re going to have to overhaul the story and turn the male character into a female one, which means changing the title and trying to figure out how to keep the thing from feeling like a backpedaling mess of failure and change. The story’s about a CIA operative who has to prove (s)he isn’t a Russian sleeper sent to assassinate the president. Awesome!

Representatives from the Special Olympics are calling for a boycott of Tropic Thunder because Ben Stiller’s character is a dopey actor who tried to chase an Oscar win by playing a mentally handicapped person. This does not sit well with the group, who protested outside the film’s Monday premiere in Westwood, no doubt earning confused looks from the hipster douchebags and Armenian kids at the hookah bar across the street. Now, I haven’t seen the film yet, and am certainly not the staunchest defender of the man who starred in The Heartbreak Kid. But can’t we all agree that it does indeed seem exploitive when actors play mentally handicapped characters, like they’re just trying to take advantage of the cheapest emotions they can find in a viewer? And doesn’t it seem like Stiller’s storyline might be skewering that trend, mocking the manipulative side of moviemaking and not its targets? Like I said, I haven’t seen it, but let’s not all go losing our shit if we don’t have to, you know?

In the latest bit of Inglorious Bastards news, Brad Pitt has joined the cast of Quentin Tarantino’s WWII film, leading to all kinds of “hilarious” and “inventive” puns from the trades. Trust me, it wasn’t a pretty situation. But there you go: Brad Pitt. Tarantino. Explosions. Etc. Even more depressing, Tarantino isn’t even writing his own movie titles any more. Will this guy ever be original again? Was he ever?

Get me to the trailer watch. Here’s the latest clip for Pride and Glory, a cop thriller starring Edward Norton. And hey, just for the hell of it, the trailer’s kinda spoilery. Thanks, Hollywood:

Let’s keep the gunplay going with Appaloosa, a Western starring Ed Harris and Viggo Mortsensen:

OK, I think we can all agree this has been a rough morning. Let’s just forget the whole thing and chop some cats:

Daniel Carlson is the managing editor of Pajiba and a low-level employee at a Hollywood industry magazine. You can visit his blog, Slowly Going Bald.


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Comments

Food Figh? Reeeally? Are you sure it's not Cock Fight? or Cock Melee? or anything cock related?

Cruise loves the cock.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 12, 2008 6:20 AM

A couple of quick things before I got to work:

1) I completely flaked on everything you said in this once you said Viggo Mortensen.

2) I read Appaloosa as Appalachia and kept watching the trailer going "Where are the mountains?"

3) What kind of world are we living in where Renee (motherfucking) Zelwegger (sp?) gets billed over Jeremy Irons. Also, what's she doing playing the love interest? Ed Harris was slumming it when he was with Julia Roberts in Stepmom, this is just nigh unbelievable.

4) The accents of the townspeople again lead me to Appalachia as opposed to Appaloosa, therefore, I ask, is this movie simply Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid meets Deliverence?

I hope so, the idea of Jeremy Irons screaming "Squeal like a pig!" amuses me more than it should.

I'm going to have caffeine now.

Posted by: Ava at August 12, 2008 7:09 AM

The only project to which Tom Cruise is "loosely attached" is Katie Holmes.

David Miscavige? John Travolta? Now there's some tight couplings!

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 12, 2008 7:37 AM

Hey Daniel, what channel? Nuke LaLoosh is definitely better than reading about Tom Cruise trade news. I mean, didn't they just make a movie about diminutive, ratlike creatures and chefs? I think it was called Paella.

Posted by: Girlnone at August 12, 2008 8:28 AM

Let's see... comment on Viggo Mortensen and reverse cowgirl, or comment on Angelina Jolie as a Russian sleeper? Far too early to decide...

Posted by: Megan at August 12, 2008 8:29 AM

So Tom Cruise is going to be a dinner lady?

Does A.J. do movies other than those of the spy/assassin/animated genres anymore? M&MSmith, Good Shepherd, Beowulf, Jack Black Panda, Wanted?

Tarantino, meh. Brad Pitt, blah. If we're going to get technical, all three of his biological kids are bastards too. I just don't care enough to get creative.

Oh, how I love thee, Sunny. Although I don't think Dee's image could be upgraded even if she were to give up drinking, buy an orphange, turn loaves to fishes, walk across the Delaware River, find a cure for cancer, and restore the polar ice caps. She's just a Philly ho, rollin' the way she do.

Posted by: Nicole at August 12, 2008 8:29 AM

Renee Zellweeggerrerr (whatever)... is still getting work?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 12, 2008 8:34 AM

"Food Figh? Reeeally? Are you sure it's not Cock Fight? or Cock Melee? or anything cock related?

Cruise loves the cock."

I'd just like to say, for the record, he's not with us. Maybe a long time ago, back while he was still hot and sane (oh there was a time), we would have considered it. But now? Nuh-uh, bitches, he's all yours. We don't want him. He's your problem.

Posted by: Jeremy at August 12, 2008 8:51 AM

Replacing Cruise with Angelina is just about the best casting decision ever.

I will see Pride & Glory due to my endless love for Colin, but damn. It sure looks like he's overacting to within an inch of his life in this one. Sigh.

Posted by: Gabs at August 12, 2008 8:54 AM

The "Always Sunny" clip is gone. I am not happy.

Posted by: Brian at August 12, 2008 9:04 AM

Brian: The "Always Sunny" clip is gone. I am not happy.

Reload your page. Still works with me.

Happy, please?

Posted by: Adere at August 12, 2008 9:12 AM

Sadly Daniel, not all round-ups can be interesting.

Tom Cruise? Meh. He's become his own punchline. Angelina Jolie as a sexy assassin? Seen it. Bored by it. Another cop movie? Yawn.

Why couldn't those two (Cruise and Jolie) star in a remake of The Apartment? Well besides the obvious reason that there should never be a remake of The Apartment is that we wouldn't believe either of them in their characters. They're notactors. They're stars. That wasn't SuperSexyAssassin (or whatever her name was in Wanted). That was Angelina Jolie standing in as Angelina Jolie.

The movies have become the advertising for their celebrity lives. The script has been flipped.

Now excuse me. Gotta get back to that Olympic beach volleyball.

Posted by: BFFredo at August 12, 2008 9:14 AM

I'm with Jeremy on this one, and not just because we're standing 69ing down a flight of stairs while I type this. (We have skills beyond your imagination, way beyond the whole "I can fly" crap Tom has going for him. Oh, you can fly? Well la-dee-da your majesty.)

Posted by: RoboPanda at August 12, 2008 9:16 AM

If Colin Farrell and Ed Norton are brothers, why do they have different accents?

Maybe there's a backstory there. Maybe they were fraternal twins, but their parents divorced when they were too young to remember. And the split was so hostile that the parents never wanted to speak or see each other again. So they each took a twin and went their separate ways: Ed with his mother to whatever city this takes place in, and Colin back to the old country with his father. Then, when they're teenagers, they meet at sleep-away camp. At first they hate each other: Ed makes fun of Colin's accent, Colin cuts out the seat of Ed's pants during the big date with the girls' camp across the lake, and so on. But eventually they figure out that they're brothers and become besties and hatch a plot to bring their parents back together. Which works! So they end up in the same city and grow up and become cops together. That would explain it, right?

Maybe it's squeezed in before the credits.

On another note, I will totally be seeing 'Appaloosa.' Viggo Mortenson and Ed Harris trading quips? Jeremy Irons as the baddie? I even saw Lance Henrikson down in the credits page. Yee-ha! I know they're the bright shining lie of a past that never was, but I love a good Western where the good guys clean up the bad guys who have the scared town under their thumb. I'm there.

Posted by: Lizzie (greeneyed fem) at August 12, 2008 9:20 AM

I am so retarded. I misread "Special Olympics" as just "Olympics," and somehow my just woke up brain thought Beijing was in Russia this year, so I pictured a bunch of Russian athletes and judges with picket signs. I felt confused and feverish.

So sign me up for the Special Olympics.

Posted by: Lucas at August 12, 2008 9:22 AM

But Jeremy, we don't want him either.

Nope, you touched him last, you have to keep him!

[runs away laughing]

Posted by: TK at August 12, 2008 9:27 AM

Can I just say that despite the shadowy underworld that the denizens of Scientology inhabit, the Stepford-esque tranformation of Katie Holmes into a fembot, the mocking of Matt and the baiting of Brooke...that Tom Cruise is indeed a fine actor.

This is the guy who was awesome in Magnolia (should've won Best Supp. Actor, not Michael Caine in The Cider House Rules, for fuck's sake), Born on the 4th of July, MI:3(yes, MI:3 - the best of the bunch), Collateral, A Few Good Men and, most notably, Rain Man where, IMO, he gave the best performance in the film...not a list of autistic mannerisms repeated ad nauseum by Hoffman, but a fully fleshed out portrayal of a guy who goes through a major change throughout the course of the film - believably so.

I guess what I'm saying is just remember that though it may be fun to constantly bash Cruise, he's still a great actor.

(Try not to hit the face)

Posted by: boogs at August 12, 2008 9:37 AM

HA! RoboPanda, that was hilarious. Cruise IS wacky. Your eyes sparkle like little jewels and I could stare at them for...

I'm with Jeremy on this one, and not just because we're standing 69ing down a flight of stairs while I type this.

Wait...are you a panda or not!?

Posted by: jM at August 12, 2008 9:38 AM

Boogs, I've said the exact same thing 'round here before, so I heartily agree. Cruise has given us some great movies (don't forget Minority Report, MI:1, The Color of Money, and, of course, Top Gun).

But, all of that said, he's still batshit crazy, for which I shall always mock him. Doesn't mean I won't watch his movies, though.

Posted by: TK at August 12, 2008 9:40 AM

I have a new theory regarding The Cruise. I firmly believe that his mental fuckedupedness is inversely proportional to the fuckedupedness of his teeth. He used to have seriously jacked up teeth and was, to all appearances, relatively normal. Ever since he started getting his teeth fixed, however, he's been going crazy in the brainpan. By the time his incisors quit looking like they were designed to sink into the flesh of your neck, he will have convinced Katie to go through with the sex reassignment surgery and complete her transformation into Tom Cruise Lite, and he will finally - FINALLY - be able to go fuck himself.

Posted by: Sarina at August 12, 2008 9:57 AM

Warning sign #278 that you have a drinking problem: You're 69ing a panda.

Posted by: Jeremy at August 12, 2008 10:09 AM

Sarina...I love it. Thats a great theory, and a beautiful buildup to a fantastic dig.

The roundup today is depressing. I'm gonna go hibernate for a few more days until we get some good news.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 12, 2008 10:18 AM

Warning sign #278 that you have a drinking problem: You're 69ing a panda.

Or a Tuesday for jM.

Aren't pandas omnisexual?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 12, 2008 10:20 AM

"Aren't pandas omnisexual?"

Robot ones certainly must be. If you have an older model, I have a hunch there's a software upgrade of some kind that will make them fuck anything that'll stand still long enough.

Posted by: Sarina at August 12, 2008 10:26 AM

Viggo is the shiznitz y'all. Hopefully that movies is as good as the trailer.


Here's my Tom Cruise Theory (could we make it into a comment diversion, hmmm?):

Tom Cruise IS Jerry Maguire. He has given everyone his mission statement/manifesto (scientology) and has gone apeshit crazy in front of everyone (Oprah's couch). But now he's just sweaty while grasping at straws and his last client (Katie). Then he went and hijacked the pootie (also Katie.) But little Tommy Maguire is still waiting for his "big, big night" while continuing his sweaty downward spiral into irrelevance.

Posted by: wsapnin at August 12, 2008 10:29 AM

I was also watching Bull Durham on tv last night. It's like we're psychically linked, awesome. I unabashedly love that movie. I like baseball, I like Susan Sarandon, and Tim Robbins. I don't like Kevin Costner, but this is the role he's best suited for since it's the role he keeps playing. I mind him the least in this movie.

Besides, I like it when women get woolly. Because of all the stress?

Posted by: Sharon at August 12, 2008 10:29 AM

Sarina - if that doesn't make Eloquent Eloquence this week, I, well, to be honest I won't do anything. I might pout a little, but I'm not going to get angry. Still, I think it should be included.

Posted by: Kolby at August 12, 2008 10:33 AM

That's probably to offset the lack of sex drive the normal ones have. It makes panda rape that much better.

...so I hear...from jM...and Jeremy...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 12, 2008 10:34 AM

Jeremy,

Tom Cruise is asexual. It is the only possible explanation for the crazy. Besides, he would likely spend the whole time talking about himself in third person. After, he would give you Scientology information and introduce you to the fun world of exercise and vitamins. It helps me to still be able to watch the man and not be terrified of the zombie eyes that he has now.

Besides, his 1,000 mile stare scares the beejesus out of me and it is only Tuesday.

Posted by: Melody at August 12, 2008 10:35 AM

I hope so, the idea of Jeremy Irons screaming "Squeal like a pig!" amuses me more than it should.

I think he did that in Eragon.

Posted by: Wednesday at August 12, 2008 10:41 AM

WHAT!? I have been laying down my best game over the last few weeks(short of a trail of bamboo leading to my pleasure dungeon), just hoping that RoboPanda would look my way. And now I find out that all it took was a few keystrokes to hack the bitch and have the panda love slave I always not-so-secretly wanted? Goddammit.

Posted by: jM at August 12, 2008 10:45 AM

I dunno...I see the Cruise having sex Patrick Bateman-style...aka, in front of a mirror, staring at himself and posing, doesn't really matter what he's plugged into...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 12, 2008 10:47 AM

You need to specify which The Heartbreak Kid you're talking about, because I will defend Charles Grodin to the death. Godtopus, I hate mindless testicleless remakes.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at August 12, 2008 11:14 AM

PANDA SEX!!

that is the only thing I got out of this round-up, through no fault of your own Daniel

Posted by: Bethy at August 12, 2008 11:15 AM

I hope so, the idea of Jeremy Irons screaming "Squeal like a pig!" amuses me more than it should.

I think he did that in Eragon.

Yeah it wasn't that good, was it? And that seemed to matter too as it didn't do so well.

Boy I can't wait to hear even more straw-grasping comparisons between JK Rowling and Stephenie Meyer when the movies come out at the end of the year. It's just such a rich topic.

Posted by: Jay at August 12, 2008 11:16 AM

Your Olympic Fact O' The Morning:

Jumping from a platform 10 meters above the water, or about the same height as a three-story building, divers hit the water at speeds of 30 to 35 miles per hour. The perpetual occurrence of this impact is a fairly common cause of injury in the sport.

Posted by: Bethy at August 12, 2008 11:17 AM

Meh, it won't need THAT much of a rewrite. Just take out the period and move the A over one space. Done. Anything I can solve for ya, Hollywood?

Posted by: Edwina Salt at August 12, 2008 11:21 AM

Generally speaking, I'd watch Viggo Mortensen in anything - but that trailer has the stench of one thousand dead pandas.

Posted by: Cindy at August 12, 2008 11:28 AM

I'm still kind of boggling over the Tropic Thunder vs the Special Olympics thing - mostly because, as a friend of mine pointed out, Robert Downey, Jr is in blackface, and yet these guys are the first to protest. Huh.

Posted by: Melissa at August 12, 2008 11:54 AM

Melissa, fret not. The minstrels will have their say...although they could do worse than having RDJ as their spokesmodel. That is what you meant, right?

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 12, 2008 12:10 PM

...holy shit. I can't believe I'm saying this.

Boogs, I 95% agree with your statement. I always try to separate batshit insane Cruise from Ethan Hunt, and it works sometimes. Unfortunately, it didn't work for Lions for Lambs and it sure as hell won't work for Valkyrie. (Why don't they speak with fucking GERMAN ACCENTS?!)

Oh and that 5% I disagree with...Sir Michael Caine deserved that goddamn Oscar. I hear he burned down a whole forest in celebration...nope, wait...that's just my mind blurring reality with fiction.

Posted by: Mike R. at August 12, 2008 12:58 PM

"I have a hunch there's a software upgrade of some kind that will make them fuck anything that'll stand still long enough"

Upgrade? That comes standard.

Posted by: RoboPanda at August 12, 2008 4:05 PM

I thought Cruise was working on that Nazi movie about that German cat that fucked up some Jews in WWII?

Posted by: Pookie at August 12, 2008 4:25 PM

Boogs I also stand by the fact that Cruise is a brilliant actor. It genuinely saddens me to think of him playing a fucking fry cook.

This isn't the first time (recently) that a woman has replaced a main guy's role in a movie; Jodie Foster replaced Sean Penn in Flightplan. Don't know if that caused the movie's dullness, but whatever.

Although it would've been nice to hear some old fashioned Penn screaming "Where is my daughter!!?!?!" Wasn't that the plot of Mystic River?

Posted by: Brie at August 12, 2008 5:07 PM

A western with Viggo and Ed Harris? That could be the tits.

Posted by: greer at August 12, 2008 7:45 PM

I actually just finished reading the Tom Cruise biography written by Andrew Morton. And if even 1/10th of the stuff in there is true, then Tom Cruise remains the most fucked up human being on the planet.
I just bought a new couch, otherwise I'd invite him over for an informative chat about Xenu.

Posted by: popejenn at August 12, 2008 11:38 PM

I don't normally comment here, but I wanted to offer my thoughts about Tropic Thunder.

When shooting the movie, the cast discussed the race issue and tried to make it as inoffensive as possible. The N-word is used once in the movie... or at least that's the way it was scripted.

No one seemed to have an issue with the hideous portrayal of the character Simply Jack.

The word 'retard' is used almost 20 times in the movie. I understand that many people can't quite comprehend what an ugly word that is and don't get why people are getting so upset about this movie. The promotional tshirts said things such as "Once upon a time there was a retard" and "Never go full retard."

Retard is an ugly word. People with intellectual disabilities are, I personally believe, the most vulnerable group there is. Consider that they are 4-10 times more likely to be physically or sexually abused than their peers. Even in this enlightened age, 60% of people would NOT want a person with intellectual disabilities in the same school as their child.

There is too much misunderstanding of intellectually disabled people. They are exploited and discriminated against.

My niece has Down Syndrome. This may be why I feel so strongly about this. I can understand that it's really hard to comprehend how ugly the portrayal of mentally handicapped people is in that movie unless you're close to someone who has to face the taunts of 'retard' every day.

Anyway, I've begun to rant. I just want to finish by posting some of the dialog. Ben Stiller is talking about playing the character of Simple Jack:

"You know, it was an intense experience, you know? I just did the work. I watched a lot of retarded people, spent time with them, observed them, watched all the retarded stuff they did. In a weird way, I had to free myself up to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb. To be a moron. To be moronical. To be a moron. To be an imbecile. To be the dumbest mother fucker that ever lived. Stupid ass Jack."

That sounds to me less of a satire of Hollywood and more a skewering of a very vulnerable population... who are not 'morons' or 'imbeciles' thankyouverymuch.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled snarking. :)

Posted by: brynna at August 13, 2008 12:55 PM

Brynna,

You *do* know that was Ben Stiller's character, right? It's dialogue from the movie. It's meant to show what a jerk and an idiot the character is. It's a movie within a movie. It's not a quote from Stiller. Yes, it's offensive - as is much of Hollywood. The point is to bring the offensiveness and stupidity of Hollywood to the forefront.

I'm sorry if it offended you, but I think it's important to understand the difference between making fun of people with handicaps, and making fun of those who are insensitive jerks. Tropic Thunder does the latter.

Posted by: I Love Beets at August 13, 2008 2:08 PM

Well, yeah. Of course I know it was his character. :P

I totally get what you're saying, but I don't think that the majority of the people watching the movies are going to get the point that it is making fun of Hollywood. And even if everyone does, I think that most people watching the movie are going to laugh at the "stupid retard" and not at the "stupid Hollywood jerks."

These are all of course my own personal objections and if the public landscape was completely cleared of everything that was genuinely offensive... well, there would be little left in the way of art, film, music... and my husband would never be allowed to eat refried beans again.

I just felt like bringing it up as food for thought, as so many people just don't get how offensive those words and images are to those of us who have to deal with a loved one being abused and insulted in the exact same way. It's my personal soap box, ya know?

Anyway, I'm not on the war path here. I just wanted to gently enlighten my fellow man. :) Kisses all!

Posted by: Brynna at August 13, 2008 4:26 PM

That sounded suspiciously like a rational, reasonable point of view.

What the hell are you doing on the internet??!!

I get you, I do. But, I can't find it in me to object to satire because some people might not get it, or might misconstrue it, for better or for worse.

So, then. Agree to disagree?

Or pistols at dawn?

Posted by: I Love Beets at August 13, 2008 5:07 PM

Pistols at dawn! Pistols at dawn!

...what do you mean, I'm not helping?

Posted by: Sarina at August 13, 2008 5:12 PM

I get you, I do. But, I can't find it in me to object to satire because some people might not get it, or might misconstrue it, for better or for worse.

I totally get that. Honestly, I think this is the only issue that makes me illogically angry and I know it's just because of my personal experience with the issue.

So yeah, definitely agreeing to disagree, but only because pistols at dawn doesn't really work for me for a variety of reasons; I'm a terrible shot and hate seeing the sun rise (unless I haven't slept yet, but in that case I would probably be pretty drunk and an even worse shot).

I only settle disputes in pudding, anyway.

Posted by: Brynna at August 13, 2008 5:21 PM

"I only settle disputes in pudding, anyway."

::throws away pistols::

Oh, FINE. We'll do it your way.

Posted by: I Love Beets at August 13, 2008 8:16 PM

Mmmm.... pudding.

Posted by: Brynna at August 14, 2008 10:46 AM

Damn Quentin Tarantino, he is now that hipster douchebag director/actor/creative film anomaly whose name just went outta my head and begins with a V? The guy who did Buffalo 66 and Brown Bunny!! Ok nevermind, I officially hate Quentin as much as him now. Quentin's last greatest movie was Pulp Fiction, and you can argue that Kill Bill was, but that film was merely OK. And now, what? He's trying too hard. Hopefully, the Coen Bros. aren't with their latest effort (which looks exciting and good and chockful of great actors like the stunning Frances McDormand!)

Posted by: paris herpes at August 18, 2008 7:58 PM