Women Who Have Never Had Decent Sex Outraged By Warped Fantasy Movie Casting
So, they announced the leads for the movie based on the book based on those other movies based on some books, as putridly written as it is terrified to use the words “penis” or “vagina” because somehow some simp of a drooling moron with her hand firmly clenched between her thighs as though she can will Edward into being through masturbatory efforts alone but cannot say the proper names of the body parts because that would be naughty WOULD go on to write the most popular book among fellow drooling morons, no longer satisfied by rubbing against their sparkly body pillows until the funny feelings go boom.
What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Casting. Trade news. IMPORTANT INFORMATION. In summation, bitches is pissed. Turns out the abusive psychopath in the book is about to be portrayed by someone not deemed attractive enough by the carpal tunneled hordes of semi-virgins who made these books a thing. You see, if Christian Grey isn’t excessively good-looking, you can almost tell that the relationship isn’t totally healthy, you guys. That makes them hurt in their brainplaces.
To make their fury heard, they’ve taken to Change.org, a non-profit website funded in part by important organizations like Amnesty International and often used to petition for major issues like the environment and human justice. Right now, their own personal injustice, the erroneous casting of Charlie Hunnam over Matt Bomer, has more than 7,000 signatures.
THESE ARE THE IMPORTANT ISSUES OF OUR TIME.
I also urge you to search “50 Shades crying” on Twitter, because lots of people seem to be crying. Probably because they had to take a break from furiously slapping at their lower bean garden for five minutes and now their wrists hurt.
Which leads me to the real issue at play here: proper sexual activity. Because I blame the utterly outrageous popularity of these god-awful books on abstinence-only education and the reticence of parents to teach their children about sex and their need to punish their kids for exploring their bodies. If these adult women were in enjoyable, healthy sexual relationships, they wouldn’t need these books. You may think I’m joking, but look around you—if you know someone who legitimately loves these books, who gets the funny squirmies while reading them, who won’t shut the fuck up about Charlie Hunnam, this person has never had good sex.
Consider this person your cautionary tale, pass your kid a lengthy, explanatory book and feel better about your life choices.
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