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By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trade News | April 5, 2012 | Comments ()

Trade news? You wanted trade news? I’ve got trade news for you. And you’re going to need a vodka IV just to keep an even keel. These are actual cut and pasted headlines of trade news, actual real unedited events that are occurring in our world. This is not meant to mock the writers of these headlines, but to give them some measure of sympathy. By god, they could be covering something important like the Arab Spring, or at the very least speculating on celebrity cup sizes. But these are not words any writer should be forced to write.

Taylor Lautner to Join Adam Sandler in ‘Grown Ups 2’ (Exclusive): There are so many possible scenarios for this. Did they sit around at Happy Madison drinking just thinking of how they could possibly make this even worse? Is this actually an attempt to concentrate the level of suckitude at a location in order to create a singularity of suck that would devour the universe whole? And the “exclusive” tag? I know it’s mandatory, but stapled onto this juicy nugget it just implies an entire sobbing level of agony that should never be experienced. If you are the journalist to land this story, you have to speculate on whether to stir your brains with a .45 before your lips can open and sing the song that ends the world.

(source: THR)

To 3D Or Not To 3D: Buy The Right Wrath Of The Titans Ticket: Is this a trick question? Wait, wait, I’ve seen this before in War Games, right? The only winning move is not to play? The killer here is that a writer spent 1175 words on this article. I can only imagine that the writer tortured the editor’s dog to death with a spork in order to not only be subjected to that film twice, but be forced to write over a thousand words on the subject. There are even tables with numbers and averages. Seriously, Dustin? You’d have to have both my parents hostage to get this article out of me. One would simply not be enough. Edit: The writer in question is the editor and chief. I can only imagine this was an elaborate suicide attempt

(source: Cinema Blend)

Justin Bieber to Receive Award at the Tribeca Film Festival: It’s something to do with the use of social media in the process of his making big something something, but I think a better descriptor would be that Bieber demonstrated how the Internet can be used as an instrument of terror. I could at least understand on a conceptual level if this was happening at E3 or something tangentially related to the Internet, but this is a FILM festival. Although I never contemplated trying to attend the Tribeca Film Festival, I can now say with absolutely honest pride that I wouldn’t bother, because my publication has been banned from better film festivals.

(source: THR)

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