February 19, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | February 19, 2008 |


The first item up for bids on today’s trade round-up is Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, a Michael Moore style documentary featuring the hosting talents of one Ben Stein. The movie is about the evolution debate. Actually, it’s not so much about the debate as it is an agitprop doc that promotes intelligent design and argues that scientists who don’t buy into Darwin’s theories are being persecuted. Now, don’t get me wrong, folks — I don’t mean any offense to the crazy-ass backwards readers of ours who drink the intelligent design milkshake, but, come on: Expelled blames communism and Planned Parenthood on evolution (thanks for the latter Charles!) and “reveals the stark truth: Darwinists have been conspiring to keep design out of classrooms, out of journals, and out of public discourse.” Actually, it’s not Darwinists so much as it is the motherfucking U.S. Constitution that’s keeping intelligent design out of the classroom (for now), and scientific method and peer review that’re keeping it out of journals — but for the Journal of Right Wing Nutjobs, of course. Whatever … I’ll step away from the rant oracle, show you good folks the trailer, and let y’all discuss:

Proof of evolution: Sylvester Stallone, a fitting example of a man firmly stuck between the homo erectus and the homo sapien stages of evolution — he can use tools (or at least weight machines), but speech capabilities still elude him. Anyway, Stallone — buoyed by not only the audience reception to Rambo and Rocky Balboa, but response from critics, nearly all of whom watched the latest sequels in the two franchises and didn’t jab spikes into their ears — has decided to resurrect another Stallonian franchise: Cliffhanger. Indeed, talk is that his Cliffhanger character will return in the film, Dam (which will hopefully lead to Stallone on Broadway in Dam(n)! The Musical). And really, why not? If a 61-year-old man with an apparent steroid problem (and, in all likelihood, the tiniest, shriveliest penis known to man) can still take a punch and decapitate a man with his bare hands, there’s no reason he oughtn’t be able to rappel from great heights. Now, if we could just get Stallone and Kurt Russell to resurrect Tango and Cash, we’d all have a very merry Christmas, and probably one in which Santa leaves hand-grenades for the nation’s film critics.

How about some decent trade news? Ellen Page has been cast alongside creepy-hot Cillian Murphy in Peacock. The story is set in Peacock, Nebraska, and it’s about a person with a split personality (Murphy) who has the town convinced that his two personalities are husband and wife. Ellen Page plays a young mother who knows about Murphy’s past and prompts a battle between the alter egos. Interesting premise, and if there’s one dude who could pull it off, it’s Murphy, but at the same time, there are so very few movies that involve split personalities that aren’t hopelessly lame or overacted. Mini-diversion: What’s your favorite movie involving split personalities? (Identity obviously battling I Know Who Killed Me for the worst).

In the comment thread in yesterday’s box-office round-up, there was quite a debate over which was worse: Fashion and culture in the 80s or the Aughts. But, what about those of us who came of age in that war-torn interregnum between Hypercolor Ts and grunge? Between leg-warmers and emo? In the Bush/Clinton transitional era? I was one confused goddamn kid in 1991, in my hammer pants, combat boots and flannel, my chain belt and my Aqua Net pompadour. Rough times. But, we’ll always have C & C Music Factory to call our own. At any rate: 90s kids can applaud the casting of Baby on Board, about an unplanned pregnancy that turns a married couple’s life upside down (as always, the 90s kids are late to the party). The cast: Jerry O’Connell, Heather Graham, Lara Flynn Boyle, John Corbett, and Ian Ziering. Don’t tell me that set of names doesn’t make you wanna break out your Dave Mathews CDs and rail against the Contract for America.

This last item in the round-up came late last night, compliments of the TV Whore, who sent it along to with a note suggesting that the bastards in Hollywood have finally figured out how to get me interested in a goddamn comic book film: They’ve cast Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool (“a high-tech mercenary known for his wisecracks and black humor”) in the upcoming Wolverine prequel, and there is even a possibility that Deadpool will eventually get his own spin-off flick. And those of us who know and love Blade: Trinity only for the presence of Reynolds also know that dude can do the wisecracking action hero. Wow: X-Men hate vs. Ryan Reynolds love. Damn you, Hollywood. Are you trying to kill me?

So, while I’ve got you here: Which one of you, if any, is Jezebel’s commenter, “BeAgrestic”? Whoever you are, I just want to thank you for the shout-outs over there — I don’t mind saying that, aside from my self-interested love for the Pajiba/QuizLaw/WIMB troika, Jezebel is my favorite spot on the nets (despite its Gawker affiliation), and I get a little tingly when our site is mentioned occasionally in the comments. So, thank you, whoever you are.

Finally, this trailer has been floating around for a couple of weeks now, and since Dan hasn’t snatched it up yet for his round-ups, I’m taking it. It’s for Pineapple Express (“the dopest dope I’ve ever smoked … It’s like God’s vagina”), which kind of looks like Judd Apatow’s white-boy version of Harold and Kumar (It’s slightly NSFW):

And, in the off chance that this is the first time you’ve powered up the Internet in the last week and you’ve somehow managed to miss it, here’s the trailer for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

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Win Ben Stein's Pajiba

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | February 19, 2008 | Comments ()



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