Emilio Estevez has got to be setting records for having one of the most schizophrenic career paths ever. It’s not that I begrudge him his newfound to desire to channel his energy into message films that trumpet their importance to the viewer; it’s just that I’m having a hell of a time reconciling the auteur who made Bobby with the dude who once got all choked up delivering his “My dad wants me to be a winner” monologue in The Breakfast Club. I mean, it’s Coach Gordon Bombay, for crying out loud. But I guess Estevez has at least been smart about selling out, since he initially balked at the admittedly unnecessary third installment of The Mighty Ducks and only relented when Disney agreed to finance The War at Home for him to direct. Anyway: Estevez’s next project will be The Public, which he wrote and will direct. The story is partly based on an editorial that ran in the Los Angeles Times written by Chip Ward, a retiring Salt Lake City librarian who told of the rising number of homeless people, some of them mentally ill, who seek shelter in public libraries. The film will be set in Los Angeles at the public library downtown, and will follow a 48-hour period in which a librarian at first turns away the homeless people, then has a change of heart, then embraces them, and probably has a really sad but ultimately uplifting time. The film will be another ensemble piece — with something like 16 main characters — and is set to begin shooting in March sometime. I am willing to bet almost a week’s pay that Morgan Freeman will be involved in some way. Don’t ask me why I think this. It just feels right.
Also this week, it was announced that the ridiculously cute and surprisingly British Anna Friel — aka Chuck from “Pushing Daisies” — has been cast as the female lead and love interest for Will Ferrell in Universal’s Land of the Lost. Brad Silberling, who’s directed a ton of TV shows as well as the deeply stupid City of Angels, is at the helm. It seems unlikely that the movie can or will be good in any but the most ironic sense, which is a shame. Here’s hoping Friel does well, and survives to make more and better films.
In other news, the Weinstein Co. has optioned the rights to Evan Kuhlman’s Wolf Boy, a novel about a young man who loses his brother in a car accident and deals with his grief by creating a comic book with a hero called Wolf Boy, based on his brother. The book will be adapted for the screen by Christopher Parker, about whom I have been able to learn absolutely nothing, despite semi-motivated Googling. So, who knows how this one will turn out.
This morning’s trailer watch brings a pretty braindead clip for Doomsday, which looks like a mix of Escape From New York, 28 Days Later, No Escape, and a music video. It stars Bob Hoskins, who should know better, and Rhona Mitra, whose sole talent seems to be walking around in tight pants with her hair slightly tussled and her lips parted. So, um, enjoy, if possible:
Next up, the trailer for Flawless, a 1960-set caper flick with Michael Caine, who is British, and Demi Moore, who is not. Check it:
Finally, let’s wrap this up with the clip for Son of Rambow, Garth Jennings’ movie about a pair of young boys coming of age in London in the early era of Stallone. Here it is:
Daniel Carlson is the managing editor of Pajiba and a low-level employee at a Hollywood industry magazine. You can visit his blog, Slowly Going Bald.
Being from Australia, imagine my surprise when I got to Anaheim to discover that the Mighty Ducks aren't a bunch of kids and they won the Stanley Cup... I've since been converted to hockey though. Go Flames. Oh, and Son of Rambow looks great.
Posted by: Dexter Morgan at February 7, 2008 6:34 AM
Emilio will always be Otto therefore he gets a free lifetime pass.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2008 6:42 AM
For a second I thought this was going to be about a remake of The Breakfast Club.
I would have set the internet on fire and killed us all, just to spare us the suffering.
I would have set the internet on fire and killed us all, just to spare us the suffering.
That's how much I love you guys.
Posted by: TK at February 7, 2008 6:46 AM
--------------------------------------------------
Pfffffffffffffffft... I would have blown my brains waaaaaay before that buddy.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2008 6:57 AM
ohh, I loves me some Anna Friel. The girl deserves a great career post-Daisies.
And, uh, they couldn't find a British actress for Demi's role? Or at least an American broad who could do a better Brit accent?
Posted by: Quirky- at February 7, 2008 7:05 AM
"....Flawless, a 1960-set caper flick with Michael Caine, who is British, and Demi Moore, who is not...."
Oooooooooy, no, no she's not.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2008 7:07 AM
Son of Rambow looks incredibly cute and I'm sure it will be plucking my heart strings opening day. Little American kids? Get the hell away from me, you blood sucking parasite. Little British kids? HOLYCRAPMUSTHAVEYOU. Something about the word 'mum' I suspect.
P.S. If they remade the Breakfast Club, I would have stroked out from rage long before you could find me, TK.
Posted by: Dr. Awkward at February 7, 2008 7:21 AM
P.P.S. I didn't watch the 'Flawless' trailer until just now. Ugh. Demi Moore should not even be sharing the same air as Alfred Pennyworth (after whom is named my stuffed tiger), Dr. Wilbur Larch and Jasper.
Posted by: Dr. Awkward at February 7, 2008 7:30 AM
TK, I'm touched.
Dr. Awkward: Don't be fooled by the accent little British kids are hellions of the first order. Trust me on this one. Unless they're posh little British kids in which case they're quiet and well behaved but grow up to be emotionally stunted adults with serious parental issue shaped baggage.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at February 7, 2008 7:47 AM
So movie execs, directors, jackasses et al. denounce responsibility if little kids set themselves on fire or jump off the roof inspired by stunts in a movie, but it's ok if they use that concept to make a feature film around it.
Hmmmmmm...
Pfffft, I'm an adult without children and I'm going to see that thing.
And laugh my ass off.
Posted by: Adere at February 7, 2008 7:50 AM
Does Malcolm McDowell just need money? 'Cause I'll send him 20 bucks if that's what it takes to get him to stop making these ridiculous B-movies.
Or maybe this is s Faustian thing? Did he sell his soul to star in "A Clockwork Orange"? That's why we got "Caligula" isn't it? He's a tool of Satan...
Posted by: courtney at February 7, 2008 8:24 AM
So, Doomsday is Mad Mitra, Beyond the Zombiedome, yeah?
Demi Moore's voice is annoying enough in a movie without a shitty British accent attempt. Cripes. I couldn't get through that trailer any more than I could get through the effin' Blood Diamond trailer.
I'm in a pissy mood and would like to say that I am sick of trailers being so damned long and showing so damned much of the movie. If I wanted a blow by blow account of the bastard, then I would either go see the movie or read about it at Movie Spoiler. Basic premise! That's all I need. Basic premise and the stars. And maybe the release date and that's all!
Posted by: Dangle McGee at February 7, 2008 8:33 AM
I never cease to be amazed by the fact that Rhona Mitra has managed to build a career based solely on having spent a while dressing up as Lara Croft from Tomb Raider for photoshoots. Especially since there have been about three other 'real-life' Lara Crofts that I can recall, and all of the others are presumably carting trolley-loads of tins around darkened alleyways and shouting at lampposts now.
Posted by: Dill The Devil at February 7, 2008 8:39 AM
Hey, I liked the third Ducks movie! I have a special place in my heart for all three, even the ridiculously-terrible-borderline-offensive second one. Then again, I'm a hockey playing Canadian girl. I must be biased in some way.
Posted by: b at February 7, 2008 8:42 AM
Doomsday, from the director of Dog Soldiers and The Descent!
Oh well, it couldn't last...
Oh, and ATO is right about British kids - they're just as bad as their American cousins.
Posted by: Simon B at February 7, 2008 8:50 AM
I remember a few years back there were rumours around of a remake of the breakfast club, with james Van der beek in it, same time of my first stroke. Coincidence? I dont think so.
Talking of john jughes did anyone had the pleasure to ever watch the sequel to 16 candles 20 years later? or was it an italian urban legend that it was ever made?
Posted by: rio at February 7, 2008 9:14 AM
TK, I thought you knew the rules of movie-making. As soon as they're done raping our childhood of shows and cartoons turned into shitastic movies...they'll move onto our teenage years and such classics as Ferris Bueller and Breakfast Club. I wouldn't be surprised if a script of a remake to Sixteen Candles is floating around somewhere, with the Hannah Montana pegged for the title role.
Okay...just made myself sick....
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 7, 2008 9:26 AM
Son of Rambow had me until the scene where they're all walking in sync together in slightly slow motion, fanned out behind the kid with the boom box. I feel as if I can never watch a film about some kind of group enterprise where they don't insert that scene as a dumb way of showing that it's all coming together. I'll probably see it anyway. I'm a sucker for most things set in a 1980s environment that I can relate to (US high school films are just too alien to me).
Also, I have mixed feelings about Demi Moore in the Caine flick. On the one hand, it must mean Gwynneth is really sick if they're making a period (60s) British piece without her. On the other hand, thank all the various Gods, it's not another chance for Renee Zellweger to use her ridiculous high pitched satire of a posh Brit accent while scrunching up her face and pretending to act. So on the whole, I think this is a positive thing for mankind.
Posted by: PaddyDog at February 7, 2008 9:26 AM
Okay, I know "walking in sync together" is tautological. It's early here in the frozen, snowed over midwest and I haven't had my caffeine yet.
Posted by: PaddyDog at February 7, 2008 9:29 AM
What I find incredible is that Rhona Mitra has what could be generously called a career based on a bit role in Hollow Man...and that wasn't exactly a ground-breaking role....or movie
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 7, 2008 9:30 AM
The Breakfast Club was the movie my little girlfriends and I watched at my first up-all-night slumber party. I had a serious, pathetic crush on Emilio Estevez.
I'd like to think that no one would ever have the gall to attempt a remake of that movie. But maybe I'm just naive. Or maybe I just want to save TK the trouble and cost of buying a few drums of kerosene.
Posted by: Kolby at February 7, 2008 9:30 AM
Oh wow...that's the worst British accent in film history. I dare you to prove me wrong. Actually...don't, if there's anything worse out there, I don't want to know.
All kids suck, I don't care where they're from, the little shits need to jump off a cliff.
Posted by: joker at February 7, 2008 9:34 AM
Doomsday, from the director of Dog Soldiers and The Descent!
Oh well, it couldn't last...
Posted by: Simon B at February 7, 2008 8:50 AM
Ah the perils of giving a half-way decent director a big, fat budget. He overindulges and barfs up post-apocalyptic, action movie clichés everywhere.
"This morning's trailer watch brings a pretty braindead clip for Doomsday, which looks like a mix of Escape From New York, 28 Days Later, No Escape, and a music video."
And don't forget "Mad Max".
Rhona Mitra looks like she's trying to have a career as the poor man's Kate Beckinsale. Talk about aiming low.
Posted by: Alabamapink at February 7, 2008 9:35 AM
Is it me or did the scene in the Rambow trailer where they catapult the boy over something seem to be a little cgi-ish?
Posted by: mswas at February 7, 2008 9:40 AM
"...ridiculously cute and surprisingly British Anna Friel..."
Huh, this is EXACTLY how I feel about Anna. I didn't really know about her (other than her being in that durge "Timeline"), so I was shocked when during an interview her mouth opened and out spilled this delightful English accent, thereby increasing her hot quotient exponentially. So I share your worry about her being cast in "Land of the Lost". Let's hope this is just her taking any job she can to get exposure to build upon her already solid, if outside Hollywood, resume.
Posted by: Lincoln at February 7, 2008 9:43 AM
I would have set the internet on fire and killed us all, just to spare us the suffering.
That's how much I love you guys.
Posted by: TK at February 7, 2008 6:46 AM
I'm holding you to that, TK. Seriously.
As for Emilio, I've crushed on him ever since Young Guns (not to mention everyone else in those movies) which is my only explaination for loving Bon Jovi's Blaze of Glory - the only Bon Jovi song I've ever liked.
Posted by: pinkcheese at February 7, 2008 9:59 AM
WHY can't producers just cast British actresses in British parts? Does Demi F'ing Moore really have SO much appeal that we can overlook an entire country full of gifted actresses to give her a part? This has been on my mind lately as I recently re-watched Sliding Doors, which would be a nice little British film if not for the presence of (grr, I hate to even type it) Gynneth Paltrow.
Posted by: idgiepug at February 7, 2008 10:01 AM
I hate her so much that I can't spell her stoopid ass name. Please forgive.
Posted by: idgiepug at February 7, 2008 10:04 AM
Rhona Mitra will forever be "naked girl who gets sexually assaulted by an invisible Kevin Bacon" in the craptastic Hollow Man.
I love the Mighty Ducks. Yeah, I said it.
Simon B-I LOVED Dog Soldiers and The Descent, so the trailer for Doomsday makes me sad as hell.
Posted by: Julie at February 7, 2008 10:05 AM
I'm pretty sure I could do a better British accent with my asshole. And that's unusual because I'm fairly certain my asshole can't talk. Demi Moore shouldn't talk either. So yeah, I guess we could just replace Demi Moore with my asshole in all her movie roles. I think eventually the lipstick would get itchy, but it would have looked hot in Striptease! OO! And I would have gotten to shave it for G.I. Jane. And Robert Redford would have gotten to bang it for a million dollars. OK...I wouldn't have like that role as much. But yeah...she can't 'talk british' too good y'all.
Posted by: PissBoy at February 7, 2008 10:12 AM
Mswas:
Re: "Is it me or did the scene in the Rambow trailer where they catapult the boy over something seem to be a little cgi-ish? "
Jesus, I hope so. Last time I looked Britain's Child Labour Laws pretty much outlawed eleven-year olds climbing up chimneys, sticking little hands in looms and being catapulted through the air onto a landing site of wooden crates.
Joker:
Re: "Oh wow...that's the worst British accent in film history. I dare you to prove me wrong."
Have you seen the Kevin Costner version of Robin Hood?
Also "All kids suck, I don't care where they're from, the little shits need to jump off a cliff."
I believe the Pajiba Junior and AlabamaPinklet get a life time pass from these sentiments.
Posted by: PaddyDog at February 7, 2008 10:25 AM
Jesus, PissBoy, are you trying to kill me?
Reminder: Never, EVER, drink tea while reading PissBoy's comments.
Posted by: Kolby at February 7, 2008 10:25 AM
a mix of Escape From New York, 28 Days Later, No Escape, and a music video
Yeah, 'bama, you beat me to it -- it's got a healthy dose of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome in there. Guh, I'm such a sucker for post-apocalyptic nonsense, though, I'm clearly going to see it, at least on DVD. And walking around in tight pants, lips parted, is not the worst way for a ridiculously hot girl to spend her time. In fact, for a select few, it's really their sole redeeming quality.
As for Emilio, as much as we bitch about the Emilios and Sean Penns of the world -- and I do it as much as anyone -- at least they're trying to do something interesting and different. It may be misguided, self-indulgent, and with respect to Penn, largely shitheaded, but at least they're not settling for Good Luck Chuck. So, thanks for that, annoying, self-appointed auteurs.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 7, 2008 10:30 AM
Brad Silberling, who's directed a ton of TV shows as well as the deeply stupid City of Angels,
That is who made City of Angels? Dude has some serious explaining to do for that piece of utter crap.
Somewhere, Gywnneth is probably yelling at Chris Martin about how evil Hollywood is to not put her and her faux Brit accent in a British film.
Paddy, name me one movie that Costner has been able to pull off the believable accent. Just one.
TK, thanks man. If I ever hear about a remake of Ferris Bueller, which I watched the other day because it was on, I will become a shut-in and never leave the house again.
Posted by: Melody at February 7, 2008 10:44 AM
Have you seen the Kevin Costner version of Robin Hood?
You have never heard glory until you hear the accent he tries to pull off in 'Thirteen Days.'
Posted by: twig at February 7, 2008 10:44 AM
PissBoy, I heart you. dammit.
Posted by: nancy at February 7, 2008 10:45 AM
Doomsday let me know when TBS plays it all weekend. I'll watch it then Flawless Not quiet the word I would use to describe it. Maybe there will be a DVD feature where you can just turn off Demi's voice and relace it with subtitles Son of Rambow Looks cute. What's with the W? Isn't the name Rambo?
Posted by: Brian at February 7, 2008 10:48 AM
TK, I love you. Please, please kill me before Hollywood completely rapes my soul and robs me of what is left of my dignity.
Pissboy, why are YOU not writing movies? You are definitely funnier and more creative than the jerkwads who have written and cast the shitheaps coming out of Hollywood recently.
Posted by: dammitjanet at February 7, 2008 10:50 AM
Hey--my kid doesn't suck. She's 10 and her 2 favorite movies are Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Ferris Buehler's Day Off.
Now her sister who is 9 is a little twit and her favorite movie is Garfield: The Tale of 2 Kitties. It's like they live in different houses. But dammit if she ain't cute. I am trying my Pajibest with this one, it will take hold some day. Or I'll just have to put her down.
Posted by: wsapnin at February 7, 2008 10:57 AM
Is Demi Moore such a big draw these days? Off the top of my head, I would be all over Flawless if they had cast, say, the first British actress I could think of... you guessed it, Kate Winslet! Can you imagine her in a caper movie with Michael Caine? That would be so awesome!
Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at February 7, 2008 10:58 AM
Kate Winslet should be in every movie that calls for a British woman ever till the end of days.
Wsapnin-your daughter sounds amazing. And don't bust out the shotgun for your 9 year-old just yet, my sister is 26 and just watched (and loved) The Chipmunks movie, but still manages to be awesome in her own special way. :p
Posted by: Julie at February 7, 2008 11:04 AM
Two words which translate roughly to "hell yes I'm on board":
Kate Winslet should be in every movie that calls for a British woman ever till the end of days.
Posted by: Julie at February 7, 2008 11:04 AM
--------------------------------------------------
That's a heavy second. I could watch that woman do the dishes and never get bored, especially if she was talking at the same time.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 7, 2008 11:12 AM
Seriously...she is the coolest and most talented actress that I would go gay for.
Posted by: Julie at February 7, 2008 11:15 AM
Coming soon to the big screen, just in time for the summer blockbuster season:
"Clive Owen and Kate Winslet Tidy Up the House And Then Have Coffee and Chat for a Bit."
Posted by: twig at February 7, 2008 11:15 AM
PaddyDog, labour laws may prevent catapulting to and from chimneys, but what about twanging dead bodies into trees? Along with the professional mourners, of course.
Posted by: ScarletKnight at February 7, 2008 11:16 AM
But..but....I loved City of Angels.
Damn you Meg Ryan. It was a fucking MACK TRUCK. You should've heard that shit from halfway up the hill. What the hell were you thinking flying down a hill on a bicycle practically hanging off the back of it like a dumbass.
Why, why, WHY???
Posted by: Dingles at February 7, 2008 11:19 AM
twig, I'd pay money to see that movie. Especially if in the middle of a graphic sex scene assassins busted in the door and they both started shooting them up while continuing...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 7, 2008 11:21 AM
"Clive Owen and Kate Winslet Tidy Up the House And Then Have Coffee and Chat for a Bit."
Hah! I would totally watch that before 90% of what is on at our local cinemaplex.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 7, 2008 11:21 AM
remakes/reimaginings = loose bloody stools
Wouldn't it be nice if the studios could just play the originals in the theater again, maybe giving younger folks who haven't had the chance to see greatness see it prior to a shitty remake that sours their.... Ahh, fuck it. I HATE REMAKES!
Like I said... loose bloody stools.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at February 7, 2008 11:21 AM
"Clive Owen and Kate Winslet Tidy Up the House And Then Have Coffee and Chat for a Bit."
Hah! I would totally watch that before 90% of what is on at our local cinemaplex.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 7, 2008 11:21 AM
-------------------------------------------------
Also good: "Nicolas Cage gets killed then his body is mutilated in every subsequent scene, Part I"
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2008 11:28 AM
ScarletKnight: I just spewed tea (Moroccan Mint for anyone who cares) all over my keyboard.
I want to make a movie in which the racists get their way and all illegal aliens are deported from the US. Then the US realizes that there's no-one left to do the shitty jobs, so they repeal the Child Labour Laws so that we can still have our lawns mowed and our old peoples' bums wiped at a reasonable cost. I'll work your suggestion in there somewhere. It'll be a dramedy and I'm guessing the kid from Willy Wonkas can play all the roles because he's in everything these days anyway and he has the physique of a child working 14 hours a day.
Posted by: PaddyDog at February 7, 2008 11:29 AM
Twig, Shadows & socalled, I will buy the tickets for all of us for that, if you will ignore the heavy breathing coming from my area.
I was just asked by a very close friend if I could sleep with anyone, anyone in the world, who would it be? This was about 3 days after watching "Shoot 'Em Up." My answer? Duh!
Posted by: dammitjanet at February 7, 2008 11:34 AM
...my sister is 26 and just watched (and loved) The Chipmunks movie, but still manages to be awesome in her own special way. :p
Posted by: Julie at February 7, 2008 11:04 AM
----------------------------------------------
Julie...did you get mixed up? Shouldn't that read she's 'special' in her own 'awesome' way? Like that autistic kid who drained 6 3-pointers in the final 2 minutes of a basketball game, or like Chris Burke because he sings inspirational songs now. I dunno...your sister may need a helmet though. She sounds dangerous.
Posted by: PissBoy at February 7, 2008 11:38 AM
criticism aside, although i can't help but notice the mad max/escape from new york costumes and scenery, the descent was pretty fucking rad and dog soldiers was impressive given the genre and low budget. Maybe neil marshall will get himself another cool action movie.
Posted by: jeneskateplus at February 7, 2008 11:40 AM
its already been said, but appearing Repo Man pretty much excuses Estevez from the rest of his entire career. Now there's a movie that deserves a Pajiba review.
Posted by: summerteeth at February 7, 2008 11:44 AM
Pissboy-HEE! I considered putting special in quotes, but decided it was too mean...I should have known you'd be there to do it for me :p
"Clive Owen and Kate Winslet Tidy Up the House And Then Have Coffee and Chat for a Bit."
Hah! I would totally watch that before 90% of what is on at our local cinemaplex.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 7, 2008 11:21 AM
-------------------------------------------------
Also good: "Nicolas Cage gets killed then his body is mutilated in every subsequent scene, Part I"
B-Slim, maybe we can combine the films into one glorious feature, like "Kate Winslet and Clive Owen Draw and Quarter Nicholas Cage, Burn His Body, and Then Tidy Up the Bloodstains While Reading the Phonebook Naked."
Posted by: Julie at February 7, 2008 11:48 AM
"Nicolas Cage gets killed then his body is mutilated in every subsequent scene, Part I"
Part II - "Rainbow Killer is Accidentally Thrown Out of a Thirty Story Window ~ also starring Jessica Simpson as her best friend who tries to save her by jumping after her"
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 7, 2008 11:51 AM
Julie, Shadows: I'm totally seeing those, let's attach McG to direct and get the ball rolling!
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2008 11:59 AM
Rhona Mitra looks like she's trying to have a career as the poor man's Kate Beckinsale. Talk about aiming low.
Dead on Mrs. Pink, considering she's starring in the Underworld prequel. Sad clowns are sad.
Posted by: The Stew at February 7, 2008 12:04 PM
wait....Underworld prequel? Where did this come from? Damnit...it isn't bad enough that they're making the Mummy 3 without anybody except for Brendan "I Don't Care Just Pay Me" Frasier...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 7, 2008 12:07 PM
"....considering she's starring in the Underworld prequel."
*screeching tires, full stop*
Underworld WHAT!?!?!?!?
Are you SHITTIN' me? Who were the ad-wizards that came up with that one?
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2008 12:08 PM
Dog Soldiers and The Descent have bought Neil Marshall a metric assload of credit with me. Doomsday looks big and stoopid, and I'll so be there opening weekend, but I (probably) won't be happy about it.
As for Flawless, I'll probably wait for the DVD because I loves me some Michael Caine. I'm not sure Pissboys pucker would do a better job than Demi Moore, but at least she's rocking the period appropriate tweed instead of a too tight t-shirt and letting the twins do the performing for her.
Posted by: Dave at February 7, 2008 12:14 PM
I'm still scratching my head trying to figure out just what was so "great" about the two blandness-fests DOG SOLDIERS and THE DESCENT, so...it doesn't surprise me even slightly that DOOMSDAY looks like ass.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 7, 2008 12:48 PM
Dangle, I thought the same fucking thing.
Except they look more like the biker gang from Weird Science than anything else.
Posted by: Smokin at February 7, 2008 12:55 PM
WAIT. RIGHT. THERE.
I submit to you the assness of Harrison Ford as a Russian in K-19 The Widowmaker HAHAHAHAHAHA something was widowed that day my friends, and it wasn't the sailors wives.
CHECK... MATE
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2008 12:57 PM
TK - where can I buy tickets to Lycans movie? I must be the 1st one in the theater for that.
Posted by: Brian at February 7, 2008 12:57 PM
Keanu had less than ten lines. Not enough time onscreen to produce full-on aural hemmoraging.
Posted by: twig at February 7, 2008 12:58 PM
Jesus, twig, when I first read that comment, I coughed up my water, because I thought you said, ANAL hemmoraging!!!
Posted by: dammitjanet at February 7, 2008 1:05 PM
"I'm fairly certain my asshole can't talk"
Alas, perhaps not, Pissboy, but it sure can type.
Posted by: go big red at February 7, 2008 1:20 PM
Will someone please explain why "Underworld", which not only was a bad vampire movie but a bad werewolf movie as well, warrants not only a sequel but a PREQUEL.
Oh the humanity.
Paddydog: Thanks for standing up for Little Pink. But I'm pretty sure if anyone tried to chuck him off of a cliff, he'd be able to hold his own. He'd probably disable them first with a few throwing stars to the neck, then tackle them to the ground so he could stomp on their privates while singing "Old MacDonald Had a Farm".
And I'm all about repealing child labor laws. Put the little runts to work. Then maybe there'd be no time for such luxuries as text messaging, Hannah Montana, and other recently developed cultural excrement.
Posted by: Alabamapink at February 7, 2008 1:27 PM
I think Keanu's attempt at a southern accent in The Devil's Advocate maaaay just out-crap his British one in Much Ado About Nothing. Maybe.
Posted by: b at February 7, 2008 1:43 PM
Now see, I think that Keanu's "accent" in Bram Stoker's Dracula was his worst attempt by far, and one of the reasons I find that movie so very funny.
Posted by: Julie at February 7, 2008 1:46 PM
Will someone please explain why "Underworld", which not only was a bad vampire movie but a bad werewolf movie as well, warrants not only a sequel but a PREQUEL.
The short answer is Kate Beckinsale in skin-tight black rubber. Yes, she has a lot of sins to account for, e.g., Click. But that woman is so fine to look upon it makes my insides hurt. Seeing her get railed by Patrick Bale in Laurel Canyon almost made that film tolerable.
There, I said it.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 7, 2008 1:53 PM
"...Seeing her get railed by Patrick Bale in Laurel Canyon almost made that film tolerable..."
"Almost" being the operative word of course.
Does anyone else find freaky, that her husband loves to direct movies in which she gets constantly nailed and pounded by other males who are physically superior to him?
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2008 1:59 PM
Slim, I have in fact wondered about that. But some guys are freaky like that. Fortunately for me, the world is overrun by skinny white film directors who want their tiny, translucent film star wives to get whaled on by 7-foot black men with enormous rods.
I'm kidding, of course. I'm only 6'8".
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 7, 2008 2:08 PM
Good news - Roma Mitra will be starring in Lycans
Posted by: Brian at February 7, 2008 2:11 PM
But that woman is so fine to look upon it makes my insides hurt. Seeing her get railed by Patrick Bale in Laurel Canyon almost made that film tolerable.
There, I said it.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 7, 2008 1:53 PM
Now see, this is what I don't get. Yes, she is pretty, but in a very banal, almost mannequin kind of way. But if your tastes run towards Real Doll, I guess she's your woman.
Plus, her implants are crappy. They sit almost at her collarbone.
Posted by: Alabamapink at February 7, 2008 2:15 PM
Jesus, twig, when I first read that comment, I coughed up my water, because I thought you said, ANAL hemmoraging!!!
That would be Keanu in Constantine.
Posted by: twig at February 7, 2008 2:21 PM
if your tastes run towards Real Doll, I guess she's your woman.
Okay, now, that was just petulant and hurtful. My tastes are all over the map, but there's something about the translucent skin/dark hair combo and those tiny little buckteeth of hers, along with the accent. I'd like to get her in a Twister-inspired three-way with Rosario Dawson.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 7, 2008 2:22 PM
Petulant is such a good word. For some reason it makes me think of "Baby Doll".
Rosario Dawson would kill Kate and make a necklace out of her teensy little teeth.
Posted by: Alabamapink at February 7, 2008 2:28 PM
Now see, this is what I don't get. Yes, she is pretty, but in a very banal, almost mannequin kind of way.
Well, really, what is the difference between banal pretty and...well...not-banal? If she is able to bathe a man's boxers, who really cares how?
I'd like to get her in a Twister-inspired three-way with Rosario Dawson.
Rosario Dawson would kill Kate and make a necklace out of her teensy little teeth.
I was also contemplating something involving Kim Kardashian, but abandoned that scenario because of the practical problem of Kate disappearing into Kim's magnificent culo. I'm not really into the whole paddling thing, but with Kim K. I would have to make an exception, for obvious reasons.
Okay, how the hell did I get to this place in this comment thread?
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 7, 2008 2:31 PM
Because you're sick, socalled. Sick in the head.
Kate Beckinsale is rather blah. If you're gonna go with the dark hair/pale skin thing, I'm more prone to the Anne Hathaway types. But your Dawson/Beckinsale twister match is... well... it makes me feel funny.
Well, really, what is the difference between banal pretty and...well...not-banal? If she is able to bathe a man's boxers, who really cares how?
Posted by: Vermillion at February 7, 2008 2:29 PM
Because she is attractive in a "meh" kind of way. She's just not rockin'. When I see her in a movie, it's like the display in Macy's came to life and started acting.
I definitely would not want to kiss her like on Showtime.
But I completely understand the whole male "two tits and a hole" level of discerning tastes. It doesn't take much to get y'alls motors runnin'.
Posted by: Alabamapink at February 7, 2008 2:40 PM
Socalled, how do any of us get in ANY of these places in comment threads? Just this week alone I myself have discussed the color of Steve Martin's pubes, donkey-on-Pissboy fellatio, and glory of Victor Garber.
...this place makes me happy.
Posted by: Julie at February 7, 2008 2:41 PM
"Clive Owen and Kate Winslet Tidy Up the House And Then Have Coffee and Chat for a Bit."
...
Also good: "Nicolas Cage gets killed then his body is mutilated in every subsequent scene, Part I"
Goddamn I love you people. Screw it; I'm not going back to the office today.
Oh, and speaking of Nic "NOT THE BEES!" Cage, I wonder if you've seen this bit of cheery news...?
Posted by: Jerce at February 7, 2008 2:43 PM
Julie:
I propose an annual Pajiban "Hijacking of the Thread" Award. It goes to the person whose comment starts the most bizarre, troubled and fucked up digression from the origial thread. An example would be we all come here to read a review of a perfectly normal if low brow Hollywood release and a random Pajiban, oh, let's say Pissboy decides to take us all on a murderous journey with him that detours into snack foods, horse sex at Enumclaw, and ends up with Alex the Odd getting a new tattoo and Alabamapink's baby being forever known as Whiskeybabyninjastar.
Not that something like that would ever happen, but you know, just as an example.
Posted by: PaddyDog at February 7, 2008 2:51 PM
Seems to me that we can just agree that Keanu Reeves + any accent = suck. That would clear all of that up.
And I would second the Rosario Dawson/Kate Beckinsale thing..but substitute one Kate for a better one: Kate Winslet.
Alabamapink...I think we should make that a requirement of the next election. I'm sure if enough people yell for it, they'll have to do it, right?
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 7, 2008 2:55 PM
go big red = witty.
n'yuck, n'yuck. That must have taken you forever to put together.
And Julie...don't lie. It's donkey love that makes you happy.
Posted by: PissBoy at February 7, 2008 3:07 PM
Oh, Jesus Dakaron. Kate Winslet... I can't begin to describe the depths of my crush on her. It's really something.
...
... I'll be in my bunk.
Oh, and Paddy, I like your idea, but we all know Pissboy would win that fucker every time.
I definitely would not want to kiss her like on Showtime.
Was that an "L Word" reference? If so, then well-played.
But I completely understand the whole male "two tits and a hole" level of discerning tastes. It doesn't take much to get y'alls motors runnin'.
You just insist on objectifying me today don't you? [/ducks irony anvil hurtling toward own head]
I'm more prone to the Anne Hathaway types
Mmmm, big, dark eyes and the natural rack. Throw in Kate Winslet and you've got yourself a deal.
I was never as insulted for female kind as when I heard that James Cameron started referring to Kate Winslet as "Kate Weighs-alot" during shooting Titanic. What is the world coming to? With Katie-Kate, the plumper the better, in my estimation.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 7, 2008 3:15 PM
Oh, damn, Anne and Kate? I...think I'm gonna have to take a brisk walk real quick...to cool off...
And I had never heard that, socalled. That actually makes me mad. Talk about a voluptuous, ideal woman...what is he comparing her to? And by that, I mean, which one of the many, many wives and girlfriends he regularly goes through like kleenex?
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 7, 2008 3:36 PM
Yep, Shadows, not apocryphal -- I just googled it, and there are many, many references to the story, including some confirming quotes from Kate herself. That arse actually said it to her face. She should have cock-punched him.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 7, 2008 3:40 PM
Paddydog...that may just be the best idea ever. And hee, sadly enough, looking back on this thread that award could go to about 6 different people, since we all seem to have both attention spans the size of hampster testicles and the dirtiest minds this side of Troma.
Pissboy: Donkey sex does not make me happy, it makes me GIDDY.
Posted by: Julie at February 7, 2008 3:41 PM
James Cameron likes his women to look like Linda Hamilton circa Terminator 2
...just without the dick.
Posted by: PissBoy at February 7, 2008 3:43 PM
just without the dick.
[/snortle]
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 7, 2008 3:45 PM
I have had a severe dislike of James Cameron (personally) ever since that weighs-a-lot comment. Kate Winslet is so fucking gorgeous, he would be LUCKY to have access to those amazing tits. Shit, I'm straight and I found myself drooling over her naked body more than Patrick Wilson's in Little Children.
Posted by: Julie at February 7, 2008 3:47 PM
I'm actually happy that there's no lack of love for Winslet here. I was starting to think I was by myself in her admiration. Thanks, all, for reaffirming my good taste!
And Pissboy...I was actually thinking something similar, but didn't know quite how to phrase it. Nice.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 7, 2008 3:54 PM
He was lucky and did have access to her tits when he sketched her for Titanic. And that is the ONLY reason I envy him. But if it had been me in that situation she would have only been safe with a sheet of shatter-prrof glass in front of me. But if the glass was there, I would have needed to carry a squeegy and windex.
Posted by: PissBoy at February 7, 2008 3:56 PM
Hee hee hee...I couldn't have splattered her with anything, but I can't deny that there would have been some serious gropage on my part.
Posted by: Julie at February 7, 2008 4:09 PM
Mmmm....Kate Winslet naked....
Man, has this thread been thoroughly derailed...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 7, 2008 4:13 PM
-Was that an "L Word" reference? If so, then well-played.-
No, actually a David Cross/Just Shoot Me reference, but both work.
-You just insist on objectifying me today don't you? [/ducks irony anvil hurtling toward own head]-
Actually, one could accuse me of *gasp* misandry!
I have dearly adored Kate Winslet since I saw her in "Heavenly Creatures" many a moon ago. Even when she wearing those crazy Fifties granny panties, I wanted to make sweet love to her down by the fire.
Posted by: Alabamapink at February 7, 2008 4:57 PM
Worst British accents in film...easy.
Runner up:
Don Cheadle in Ocean's 11/12/13
All time champ:
Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins
Incidentally, worst British accents on TV?
Anthony LaPaglia as Daphne Moon's brother Simon and the no-names who played her English friends.
Posted by: Simon B at February 7, 2008 5:45 PM
Doomsday - "...looks like a mix of Escape From New York, 28 Days Later, No Escape, and a music video."
You forgot "The Road Warrior"
Posted by: scott at February 7, 2008 7:44 PM
Julie, speaking of the glory of Victor Garber, go rent Godspell. Creepiest Jesus you'll ever see sing showtunes.
Also, Kate Beckinsale was so damn pretty when she was still doing low-budget stuff and Masterpiece Theater. I will forever love her for Cold Comfort Farm. In which she never gets naked and you never even catch a glimpse of implants. She is fair and naturally beautiful and I might have to just go watch that now to wipe my mind of the tragedy that is her current career. Also, Gwyneth's Emma sucks compared to Kate's. I swear she used to be able to act!
Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at February 7, 2008 8:15 PM
Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at February 7, 2008 8:20 PM
"maybe we can combine the films into one glorious feature, like "Kate Winslet and Clive Owen Draw and Quarter Nicholas Cage, Burn His Body, and Then Tidy Up the Bloodstains While Reading the Phonebook Naked." - Julie
How about Nicholas Cage gets eaten by wolverines while Clive Owen and Kate Winslet describe the action A la Animal Planet.Except they would be naked of course!
Posted by: trixie at February 7, 2008 10:57 PM
Where the hell was I while this conversation was taking place? Oh yeah, I was drowning in New York State Election Law. Bastards.
Posted by: Kolby at February 8, 2008 9:36 AM
anna friel is very much irish, not british.
Posted by: amanda at February 8, 2008 10:49 AM
Well, she was born in England, and is of Irish descent. So I guess she's both. I mean, I usually think of myself as an American, since I was born here, and not as a Lebanese-Sicilian-German.
Posted by: Kolby at February 8, 2008 12:41 PM
Actually, 'Doomsday' looks so bad it'll probably be entertaining, possibly even more so than 'Tank Girl'. I'm looking forward to getting drunk in the theater, making snide comments, and giggling until my friends try to tape my mouth shut.
Posted by: Kris at February 9, 2008 12:30 PM
I'm waiting expectantly for Son of Rambow. It sounds positively delightful. I saw the trailer and laughed so hard. This film sorta reminds me of another kid's film about a boy who ate worms. I totally enjoyed that film.
Being from Australia, imagine my surprise when I got to Anaheim to discover that the Mighty Ducks aren't a bunch of kids and they won the Stanley Cup... I've since been converted to hockey though. Go Flames. Oh, and Son of Rambow looks great.