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Why I Had to Sleep on the Couch Last Night Because of a Trade News Item

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (57)

Jennifer-Garner-20-Miss Marple.JPG

11:16 p.m., Monday March 28, 2011

Dustin: Guess what they’re remaking now?

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: What?

Dustin: Guess?

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: I don’t want to guess. Just tell me.

Dustin: Fine. Disney’s remaking Miss Marple into a franchise.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Oh, god. Are you serious?

Dustin: Yup. Afraid so.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: It’s going to be terrible.

Dustin: You haven’t even heard the worst part.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: It gets worse?

Dustin: Yup. This Miss Marple is going to be in her 30s.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Stop joking.

Dustin: I’m not.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Miss Marple can’t be in her 30s. That’s ridiculous. The whole point of Miss Marple is that she’s an old spinster lady who solves crime. No one suspects her of being able to solve crime because she’s an old lady.

Dustin: Hey! I’m not the one that came up with the bright idea. Don’t get mad at me.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Well, it’s just stupid.

Dustin: It gets worse, actually. Guess who they’re casting as Miss Marple?

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: I still don’t believe you that they’re remaking it.

Dustin: No. Seriously. They are. And they’ve cast Jennifer Garner as Miss Marple.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Fuck you. Shut up. It’s not funny, Dustin.

Dustin: No one said it was funny.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: You’re just making shit up to piss me off.

Dustin: No, I’m not. This is real.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: No, it’s not. No one would remake Miss Marple with Jennifer Garner. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

Dustin: I’m not making it up, though. Look. I’ll prove it. It’s on The Playlist.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: That’s funny. So you know this guy? You guys made this up and posted it to fuck with me, because really, Dustin. It’s not funny anymore. I don’t want to joke, OK. Can we just go to bed?

Dustin: Seriously, I’m not making this up.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: You are!

Dustin: I’m not.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Are. Can we just not talk about it anymore. Let’s go to bed, OK? This is a stupid joke and I don’t want to hear it anymore.

Dustin: It’s not a joke.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Be quiet. Go to sleep.

Dustin: Fine. But I’m not making it up.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: DUSTIN!

Dustin: Whatever.

(five minutes later, after I’ve nearly fallen asleep)

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: OK. Now I can’t sleep.

Dustin: What? What are you talking about? I was asleep.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Jennifer Garner as Miss Marple? Jesus, Dustin. If you’re going to make up something, at least make up something that sounds credible.

Dustin: I’m not making it up. I swear!

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Is this one of your stupid April Fool’s jokes. Is this what you’re going to post on April 1st? Because no one will believe you.

Dustin: It’s not a joke. It’s real. I’m not making this up.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Just leave. OK. I can’t deal with this right now. I have court in the morning. I need you to go sleep on the couch.

Dustin: Why? I didn’t do anything!

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Just go, OK. I’m tired of these jokes. I just need you to leave, OK.

Dustin: Fine. But I’m not making it up.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Leave!









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Comments

AMAZING!

(And this is also the worst thing I've ever heard. I saw it on the Playlist and nearly had a mental breakdown.)

Posted by: Caspar at March 29, 2011 9:10 AM

You've forgotten that in Hollywood, a woman in her 30s is elderly.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at March 29, 2011 9:12 AM

I'm sorry, but that is hilarious. Sometimes it's nice to see the lighter side of arguing couples.

Posted by: Snath at March 29, 2011 9:20 AM

She's right, it doesn't make any sense. Why bother using the name and connotations if they're just going to make shit up anyway?

Why not call it Squinty-Eyed Goose Detective or Special Agent Affable Condescender or Pointychin Dicknose Mysteries? Now we'll all know what and who you're talking about and no harm done.

Posted by: Kballs at March 29, 2011 9:22 AM

I love that she made you go sleep on the couch over it. Heee. Hee hee hee hee hee. I think I need to be friends with Mrs. Pajiba-Hyphenate.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at March 29, 2011 9:32 AM

"Written By ’ Fantastic Four’ Scribe"

Oh, THERE'S the upside! I knew there had to be an upside.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get the emergency Grey Goose out of the freezer.

Posted by: Markus at March 29, 2011 9:34 AM

You're making this up.

Posted by: Sarah J-Town at March 29, 2011 9:37 AM

Hey if she solves mysteries while lounging in lingerie that could work.

Posted by: logan at March 29, 2011 9:48 AM

Miss Marple will probably have to solve a mystery involving vampires...then she'll have sex with a sparkly one. And then she'll give birth to a small moustachioed sparkly vampire baby called Hercule Poirot. Why the fuck not.

Posted by: Joker at March 29, 2011 9:54 AM

Am I the only one who has never heard of Miss Marple?

Posted by: Paultera at March 29, 2011 9:57 AM

I love Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate

Let me guess: Miss Marple will have some horrific "Rumour Has It" style "The real Miss Marple was my grandmother!" reveal that inspires her granddaughter, a spunky, sassy unlucky-in-love chatterbox with a cat and two wacky friends (one of them fat) and lives in San Francisco to don hats and skirts and beat criminals up with her Birkin handbag

Posted by: Laurie at March 29, 2011 9:58 AM

Mostly I'm with Mrs. P-Hyph in this debate but there is a part of me that thinks it will be hilarious to see Jennifer Garner visiting The Vicarage, sipping sherry and knitting while Algernon Chauncey-Beauchamp asks her to look into his wife's poison-pen emails.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 29, 2011 10:18 AM

Am I the only one who has never heard of Miss Marple?

Posted by: Paultera at March 29, 2011 9:57 AM

Nope. I have no idea who Miss Marple is. Other than I take it she’s an old spinster lady who solves crime and no one suspects her of being able to solve crime because she’s an old lady. So, I guess she's like the "Murder She Wrote" woman. Kinda. Or an old spinster version of Nancy Drew.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at March 29, 2011 10:18 AM

Lesson from above story: Sometimes it's best just to shut up and not push the issue.

Posted by: Shane at March 29, 2011 10:22 AM

Hee. Great story.

Posted by: Cindy at March 29, 2011 10:24 AM

*hoists muzzleloader*

That's a homegirl yer talkin' bout there, balls. Go easy, even if yer right.

Posted by: , at March 29, 2011 10:31 AM

Posted by: Anna von Beav at March 29, 2011 10:35 AM

Dustin wears the pants in the relationship. And then Mrs. P-H rips the pants off and wears them like a cape. Badass.

Posted by: Lauren at March 29, 2011 10:36 AM

If Jennifer Garner wants a detective/mystery franchise series (or TV show?), she could at least go after V.I. Warshawski, instead. But, it's obvious that we do not live in the Best of All Possible Worlds. Like, at all.

At least Mrs. Fearless Leader has her priorities straight, though.

Posted by: RobP at March 29, 2011 10:36 AM

Lauren -> Brilliant!

Posted by: karen at March 29, 2011 10:49 AM

i had to forward this to my mom, cuz i am cruel like that.

Posted by: idleprimate at March 29, 2011 10:51 AM

I see a whole franchise opening up here.

Jim Belushi as Hercules "Jimmy" Poirot, the famous south side of Chicago detective

Kevin James as Lord Peter Wimsey, the debonair gentleman sleuth from Queens

And that old favorite,
Charlie Sheen as Inspector Foyle, the restrained wartime policeman who keeps his feelings to himself but notices all


Posted by: PaddyDog at March 29, 2011 10:53 AM

^Laurie--and by "fat" you mean healthy BMI right?

As an aside wakkokitty had to sleep on the couch this weekend because after reading an article she exclaims "I get it now; you're Kendall Marshall." anikitty says "What?" She reads excitedly, "People say he's an asshole. But really he's just diffcult and demanding." 16 years and she makes this rookie mistake?

Posted by: anikitty at March 29, 2011 11:05 AM

This reminds of a part in Brian Bendis's graphic novel "Fortune & Glory" (great read by the way) when they're trying to pitch a movie about Elliot Ness's final major case about a serial killer in Cleveland called The Torso Murderer. One of the studios they pitch to asks if they could cast an actor younger than what Ness was at the time (about 35).

When asked how young the studio had in mind, they replied "19".

Needless to say that at this time it still hasn't been made.

Posted by: bleujayone at March 29, 2011 11:05 AM

Jennifer Garner continuing to get work makes me happy. I'll take our word for it that Miss Marple should be an old lady, but there's no chance of me actually going to see a Disney live-action movie, so why should I be upset?

Posted by: Todd at March 29, 2011 11:16 AM

"Jennifer Garner continuing to get work makes me happy. I'll take our word for it that Miss Marple should be an old lady..."

Both of those sentences scare me.

Posted by: bbmcrae at March 29, 2011 11:29 AM

Ok, I love Jennifer Garner. Love love love Sydney Bristow. But that is a TERRIBLE photo of her. The worst I've ever seen.

I don't know Miss Marple either.

Posted by: denesteak at March 29, 2011 11:31 AM

Suggested plot: Miss Marple is vacationing at a Beaches resort, easing off her bikini top when BANG! there is a shot. The mystery becomes who beheaded, shot, and desecrated the corpe of the creative genius who was the power behind this film. (And thereby interfered with the wedded bliss of Mr. & Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate.)

Posted by: sittingpat at March 29, 2011 11:37 AM

The news is horrifying, but the conversation...oh I've had that. It's mostly a long series of me going "Oh, god. Guess what they're remaking?" and his responding with "Don't tell me." And it goes on like this: "[80s cartoon], and they're making it live act--" " I said don't tell me! WHY DO YOU WANT TO HURT ME?" "I HAVE TO SHARE THE PAIN" "WITH ME?" "YES" "NO!" "YES!" "WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO ME." etc, etc.

No one's had to sleep on the couch so far, but it's been close

Posted by: figgy at March 29, 2011 11:45 AM

Dustin - I'm sorry that you had to sleep on the couch. And I'm sorry that Ms. Pajiba-Hyphenate was so aggravated by this news.

I do, however, love PaddyDog's image of Jennifer Gardner "visiting The Vicarage, sipping sherry and knitting while Algernon Chauncey-Beauchamp asks her to look into his wife's poison-pen emails."

And I'm guessing that Laurie isn't far off the mark.

As for those of you who have no idea who Miss Marple is, all I have to say is "Get off my fucking lawn!" She is one of Agatha Christie's two main sleuths.

Perhaps the next CBR review needs to be the one of the biography of Agatha Christie...

Posted by: tamatha at March 29, 2011 11:47 AM

Dustin wears the pants in the relationship. And then Mrs. P-H rips the pants off and wears them like a cape. Badass.
_________________________________________________
Well said Lauren.

And as tracer said, 30's is old for a woman in Hollywood.

Posted by: grinningdog at March 29, 2011 11:56 AM

RE Tracer Bullet: "You've forgotten that in Hollywood, a woman in her 30s is elderly."

This.

If you often play little jokes on your wife, well, you had this coming. If not, then I think she was a little harsh.

Does she really think something like this is beyond the pale in Hollywood? Nothing is off-limits. They just spent a ton of money making and marketing a movie about ninja strippers. Clearly, there is nothing so rigoddamdiculous that Hollywood won't throw money at it. While whining about how expensive movies are to make.

Posted by: Slash at March 29, 2011 12:04 PM

Hilarious! And ridiculous! Miss Marple: The Early Spinster Years.

Posted by: ChickaBoom! at March 29, 2011 12:30 PM

I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY WITH THIS.

(Garner-Marple. Not the domestic squabble. That's awesome.)

Posted by: Courtney at March 29, 2011 12:35 PM

Miss Marple never married because her one true love was killed in action in France during WWI. So she was actually a spinster at 30.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 29, 2011 12:40 PM

my neighbor: "oh! you'll never guess who I met today!"

me: "..."

my neighbor: "JENNIFER GARNER! she was at the park filming this Disney movie. I just drove up, rolled my window down, and said (eyes glassy with enthusiasm) 'hi! you're JENNIFER GARNER!' she said "hi" too. it was definitely the highlight of MY day! ... we have the same NAME."

me: "oh. wow."

THE NEXT DAY

my wife (monotone): "so they're filming a disney movie with jennifer garner at Henderson Park. I read about it on our community garden listserve."

me: "oh. so our neighbor ISN'T delusional?"

Posted by: ja at March 29, 2011 12:51 PM

The character has been featured in at least 30 movies (both made for TV and not), right? She was even portrayed in an anime TV series that was adapted from some of Christie's work.

She's obviously overdue for a good ol' fashioned Hollywood reborquelin'!

It's X-Men Origins: The Marplator!

Posted by: branded at March 29, 2011 1:00 PM

Who is that man in the ugly green dress in the header pic?

Oh! My bad, its the OTHER Mr. Affleck.

Posted by: EJ at March 29, 2011 1:12 PM

i keep trying to leave pajiba on account of her bad breath, and then there is a thread like this.

yesterday, would anyone have imagined there would be an agathie christie, miss marple controversy today?

as much as I am not screaming for senior citizen detectives, neither am i screaming for Jennifer garner to be in anything.

but you wait, demographics suggest that the next decade will be the decade of the movie for seniors. no more comic book heroes, but there will be a franchise for Murder She Wrote

Posted by: idleprimate at March 29, 2011 1:41 PM

Also, is it just me or does Garner look freakishly like JLo in the header pic?

Posted by: figgy at March 29, 2011 1:48 PM

Hollywood, you've just been branded.

(We need to start timing these better...)

Posted by: RobP at March 29, 2011 2:11 PM

Figgy: I thought that was JLo in the header pic.

To the rest of you: IS NO ONE EVEN BOTHERED THAT MISS MARPLE IS BRITISH AND Jennifer Garner is AMERICAN?

I mean this is so wrong on so many levels. The whole point of Miss Marple is that she's a very old, British spinster.

I suspect Disney was inspired by the latest updating of Sherlock Holmes to the 21st century with a younger Holmes. (Shivers in disgust.)

If you've never heard of Miss Marple, Netflix has various BBC productions going back decades.

Joan Hickson (1980's)
Geraldine McEwan (2000's)
Julia McKenzie (2010's)
Angela Lansbury (1980 "The Mirror Crack'd" with Liz Taylor, Rock Hudson and Tony Curtis)

Posted by: BWeaves at March 29, 2011 3:07 PM

Also, Helen Hayes (1980's)

Posted by: BWeaves at March 29, 2011 3:10 PM

To the rest of you: IS NO ONE EVEN BOTHERED THAT MISS MARPLE IS BRITISH AND Jennifer Garner is AMERICAN? - BWeaves

It's called acting, my dear. I'm not saying Jennifer Garner should be playing Miss Marple, but her nationality has nothing to do with it. Not a damn thing.

Posted by: RobP at March 29, 2011 4:31 PM

BWeaves:

Your forgot Margaret Rutherford as Jane Marple in the 1960s. And coincidentally, in 1961's "Murder, She Said" (the renamed 4:50 from Paddington), Joan Hickson played Mrs. Kidder.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 29, 2011 5:00 PM

I'm with Mrs. P-H . . . I can't believe this shit either!! My mouth is still hanging open. I cannot believe anybody would even think of doing this. Don't know if I would have sent you to the couch though. I maybe would have just given you a slap and gone to bed.

Posted by: mslewis at March 29, 2011 5:48 PM

You know what, Dustin? This is some bullshit right here. I wouldn't put it past you to make something like this up just to fuck with us.


Get out. Just pack your shit and go.

Posted by: greer at March 29, 2011 7:15 PM

Why not cast Helen Mirren if they wanted a sexy Marple? Also...

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

Posted by: dsbs at March 29, 2011 7:20 PM

The Rowleses are lovers in a dangerous time.

Posted by: replica at March 29, 2011 9:54 PM

Why not cast Helen Mirren if they wanted a sexy Marple?

exactly.

Posted by: stopthemadness aka Angry Black Lady at March 29, 2011 10:00 PM

Hey anikitty - of course. That's exactly what I meant.

Just like The Simpsons television executive: *TV* fat, not fat-fat.

Posted by: Laurie at March 29, 2011 10:02 PM

All these "Who is Miss Marple" comments do make me sad. However, PaddyDog's comment made me cry. Please please please please please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not touch my Lord Peter Death Bredon Wimsey.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at March 29, 2011 11:28 PM

Be grateful. In ancient Rome you would have been deadeded for being the bearer of that kind of bad news.

That's right - Deadeded.

Posted by: Jo at March 30, 2011 12:00 AM

To the rest of you: IS NO ONE EVEN BOTHERED THAT MISS MARPLE IS BRITISH AND Jennifer Garner is AMERICAN? - BWeaves

It's called acting, my dear. I'm not saying Jennifer Garner should be playing Miss Marple, but her nationality has nothing to do with it. Not a damn thing.

Posted by: RobP at March 29, 2011 4:31 PM

And if she was an actor, I'd be a little less concerned about it. Anyone of have a clip of Garner doing a St. Mary Meade accent as if she was born to it?

Posted by: BWeaves at March 30, 2011 9:22 AM

I must confess, Ms. BWeaves, that I am FAR more concerned about the MASSIVE age difference than about the accent. Most actors working with a dialect coach can fake an accent well enough for the masses (not, of course, for those who know the accent well, I grant you. But most people still don't even know the difference between Liverpool and London, for crying out loud). But how in the BLOODY HELL is Garner going to pull off Spinster Old Lady?! Age makeup isn't good enough, and she doesn't have anywhere near the life experience to be able to pull that off.

Yeah, no. I think the age difference thing is more disconcerting than the nationality thing.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at March 30, 2011 9:57 AM

Thanks Laurie. I was worried. I don't want to see any size 12s on the big screen.

Posted by: anikitty at March 30, 2011 10:01 AM

Jennifer Garner is no Margaret Rutherford, but perhaps they'll do something inventive.
At least wait until after you've seen it to bitch. You people are so damn negative.

Posted by: Quanion at March 31, 2011 10:10 PM