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Why I Drink, Vintage Game Edition: 'Tetris: The Movie'

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trade News | October 2, 2014 |


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Threshold Entertainment has acquired the movie rights to Tetris.

I … just … seriously, re-read that sentence and try not to die a little inside. You can’t do it. The very theory of this movie fits into a socket of such creative bankruptcy that with a little pop all the pieces of your heart disappear when it drops into place.

If Threshold Entertainment is a public company, I’d recommend you sell your stocks. If it’s a private company and you have money invested in it somehow, our lawyers have advised me to not recommend you to pursue either arson or assassination. Just, you know, take care of it.

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Says CEO Larry Kasanoff, inexplicably not bursting into flames as he would in a just universe:

“It’s a very big, epic sci-fi movie… This isn’t a movie with a bunch of lines running around the page. We’re not giving feet to the geometric shapes. Brands are the new stars of Hollywood. We have a story behind ‘Tetris’ which makes it a much more imaginative thing.”

Let me pull out the exact sentence that just shit in your soul: “Brands are the new stars of Hollywood.” Mr. Kasanoff, without the slightest bit of irony or exaggeration: you are everything that is wrong with entertainment.

Says Henk Rogers, Managing Director of The Tetris Company, who I would accuse of selling out, but really, selling out requires having some form of art to sell in the first place.

“What started as a simple, computer puzzle game 30 years ago, today is part of our global consciousness, connecting people of all ages and backgrounds and feeding our innate desire to create order out of chaos. We look forward to partnering with Threshold Entertainment to re-imagine that common experience and bring a spectacular new Tetris universe to the big screen for the first time. In this new universe, as you’ll soon find out, there’s much more to Tetris than simply clearing lines.”

So help me, if Dustin assigns me to review this movie, I will go sit in the lobby of the theater, play tetris on a twenty-five year old Game Boy for two hours and then write a review of that experience.

(source: The Verge)


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