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Why I Drink: The Hollywood Reporter Edition

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trade News | June 18, 2013 | Comments ()


hollywoodburn.jpg

I was going to call this post "The Stupidest Headlines of the Day" but then I realized that they were all from THR, and it's only fair to give credit where it's due. Look, I get that THR clearly isn't quite in the same business as the other trade news places I go to read about film and television, but they've got this strange attachment to a certain genre of the business side of Hollywood, that I just cannot imagine mattering to anyone, let alone mattering to the same people who are reading the rest of their articles about the stuff actually produced by Hollywood.

But the worst problem isn't that, it's that there is rarely even a hint of critical thinking present in these articles, never an original thought. Just blowing sunshine up the ass of whatever happens to be the subject of that particular "excusive" tag.

Here are the nine most wonderful articles currently gracing the home page of THR:

David Lynch Displays Guitar Skills on Second Album (Exclusive Photo): It's funny how being rich transforms "Grandpa buys guitar, posts picture on Facebook, video on YouTube" becomes "What started as a musical experiment is flourishing into a full-on recording career for David Lynch" when you're rich enough to just buy a recording studio.

Rupert Murdoch Donates $50,000 to Stony Brook International Reporting Program: While that's very nice of him, one can't help but note that this is probably less than 1% of the cash he's currently giving lawyers to defend his right to hack into the phones of murder victims. But yeah, no mention of that.

TV's Top Offices: Where the Showrunners of 'Mad Men,' 'New Girl,' 'Sons of Anarchy,' Work and Play: Oh thank god, this will get me through until the Ikea catalog arrives.

Will.i.am Becomes Partner in Beverly Hills Brand Licensing Agency Well thank god someone got the scoop on this news. I'm just disappointed that the article doesn't include the word "synergize", but you must have to pay extra for that.

'Big Brother 15': First Look at the Brand New House: Unless it's built on top of a nuclear bomb, I just can't bring myself to care.

Lil Wayne: I Didn't Step on American Flag on Purpose: I wouldn't have called this news even if he claimed it attacked him first and it was self defense. Ok I still wouldn't call that news, but it might actually be more interesting than "some guy does something stupid, here is his canned apology."

Bruce Lee Statue Unveiled in L.A.'s ChinatownThe only thing I got out of this was that there are enough people with nothing better to do that there is a Bruce Lee Foundation that goes around donating statues. Oh and that just the base of the statue cost $150,000, which is three times what the richest news man in the world can afford to donate to journalism.

Relativity Media's Ex-GC Joins Sklar Kirsh: The subtitle seals it for me: "Michael Rosner joins a new law firm founded in February." My god, if THR doesn't tell people when lawyers change jobs, who will?

The Hollywood Reporter Announces Nine Hires, Five Promotions: First, I think we can all be thankful that they have more individuals in place to cover more critical news stories like those showcased above.

But really, how pretentious do you have to be to announce your hires as if it's news in and of itself? We're not talking about, oh here's Johnny, he's writing for us now. We're talking about putting it in there as an actual breaking news article. It means you actually think you're so special that you're part of the news that you're reporting on. I'm only really surprised that they didn't say that it was an exclusive.

Given that they clearly need my advice, I'll just go ahead and assume that they've also asked for it and that the emails have gotten lost in the junk mail pile. Focus, THR. It's about focus. And the only focus that website seems to have is on publishing items that only tangentially have anything to with each other. They're like the potpourri category of "Jeopardy" without Trebek's sweet Canadian syrup.




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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Tinkerville

    Unfortunately, aside from Variety (which has its own occasional problems) there's the ass-kissing of THR or the awful vitriol of Nikke Finke and Deadline when it comes to Hollywood reporting. Not exactly good options.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Wait, there's been 15 American Big Brothers?

  • BlackRabbit

    In Soviet Union, Big Brother watched by no one!

  • bleujayone

    Re: "Big Brother 15: First Look at The Brand New House" Unless it’s built on top of a nuclear bomb, I just can’t bring myself to care.

    -Would it be all right if they in fact built it on top of the former Love Canal? No that's not a euphemism, but it ought to be poetic justice.

  • Derreck

    I totally read the Big Brother article. Plus, me and my mum realized that we've NEVER missed a season so i've essentially grown up watching Big Brother every summer for 14 years. Chenbot is my girl.

    (Plus, I know it is 14 instead of 15 because the year of the writer's strike, they had two in one year.)

    DON'T YOU JUDGE ME.

  • apsutter

    I've watched since the beginning too and I've developed a very strange affection for Julie Chen. It's weird cause I hated her at first but she just kept growing on me. Now I've been watching "The Talk" and that show is damned enjoyable! So much better than The View ever was.

  • Derreck

    I think its because we're just so used to her. lol. I hope she hosts right until the very end. It's not Big Brother without her.

    But i love hearing her perspective on the game. She used to do a weekly piece on EW.com about her thoughts on what is happening inside the house that was always a delight to read.

  • ViciousTrollop

    Are you me?

  • Derreck

    Yes, Trollop. I am. I've been meaning to tell you.

    BUT FIRST.

  • ViciousTrollop

    Will you be the HOH of my heart?

  • Derreck

    I could. But then you could coup d'etat me and i'm not sure i can handle it.

  • ed newman

    Rupert Murdoch Donates $50,000 to Stony Brook International Reporting Program: While that’s very nice of him, one can’t help but note that this is probably less than 1% of the cash he’s currently giving lawyers to defend his right to hack into the phones of murder victims. But yeah, no mention of that.

    Really, SLW? Does every story about anyone have to note every good and bad thing someone has ever done? You know he owned Fox when Firefly got cancelled. Do we have to note that? And just how far back are we supposed to go? What is the statute of limitations on this sort of thing? Do we have to mention how he bullied his third grade classmates?

  • John G.

    it's reading the news with Steven Lloyd Wilson. No relevant facts about what you were wearing or eating while reading, Steven?

  • The same way I write all of my articles: in an authentic Apollo spacesuit while consuming homemade chocolate cookies.

  • With or without nuts? The cookies, I mean.

  • Oh, for cookies always nuts. Walnuts to be exact, and not diced ones. Proper nuts in cookies should be larger than the chocolate chips. Which of course should be milk chocolate chips and not semi-sweet ones.

    As for the others, the Apollo suits are quite spacious and well-cushioned, as they were designed for men with hefty brass ones.

  • Maguita NYC

    So now the conversation shifted to big schweddy balls.

  • John G.

    the brass helps shield from radiation, with or without the suit. Brilliant!

  • Maguita NYC

    Well played m'am. Very well played.

  • Tracer Bullet

    Shit, nine new journalism hires IS real news.

  • Jerce

    You are right...for a given value of "journalism." This is THR we are talking about.

  • Maguita NYC

    As if I needed an excuse to drink this early in the day.

    Well cheers Steven, next time do add some naked men so we could play some kind of dirty game, and alleviate the drabness that is The Hollywood Fuckin' Reporter.

    Good thing this is Pajiba, where pretty much everything goes... Or does it?

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