MAD MEN / GAME OF THRONES / MINDHOLE BLOWERS / NETFLIX



Why I Drink, Flip to Page 74, Choose Your Own Adventure Edition

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trade News | June 12, 2013 | Comments ()


choose-your-own-adventure-header.jpg

Giving you exactly what you want, in the worst way possible. Sometimes it seems like Hollywood is dedicated to that principle above all else, including profit motive. Nothing else can explain to me why Fox just acquired the rights to the Choose Your Own Adventure series of books.

Oh we say, what we really want are more movies based on books. And Fox then set out on a heroic journey to find the books that they could most ironically acquire the rights to. I guess Universal beat them to 50 Shades of Grey, but it must have been close. At least that has a demonstrated market. One filled with people I don't want to acknowledge exist, who I imagine TK will spend a lot of time with at a midnight showing when he inevitably reviews it.

But Choose Your Own Adventure? You know what a film version of a book looks like where you pick what happens next? We call those video games. Congratulations Fox, you just paid somebody to be allowed to make a video game. I also have a rock I'd like to sell you. It keeps lions away for the low price of one billion dollars.

Fox has excitedly proclaimed that the series will be: "a cross-platform four-quadrant action adventure franchise".

If I was a physician, if a coma patient uttered that sentence, I would consider it medical evidence of brain death and recommend that the family pull the plug. As it is, it's the gleeful press release of one of the largest entertainment companies in the world. So rather than wasting more words, I'm just going to go back to my garage and keep building that atomic weapon.

You would not believe how many relatively common items clogging landfills by the thousands contain minute quantities of radioactive material. Maybe I should sell Fox the movie rights to that fact.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • manting

    a cross-platform four-quadrant . . . Dildo.

    Excuse me, but "cross-platform" and "four-quadrant"? Aren't these just buzzwords
    that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of
    anything like that. I'm fired, aren't I?

  • Welldressed

    Not enough Synergy. Now sing "Fair Harvard" as I throw you out of your office.

  • manting

    welldressed that was well said - I am, and will always be, a die-hard simpsons fan. There is literally a quote for every occasion

  • TK

    who I imagine TK will spend a lot of time with at a midnight showing when he inevitably reviews it.

    Shut your disgusting whore mouth, Wilson.

  • bleujayone

    Actually Bob Gale already tried this "Choose Your Own Adventure" format of a sort back in 1995 with a movie called "Mr. Payback" that had several interactive parts to it where the audience could vote on what would happen next. It wasn't a particularly good movie regardless of the outcomes, but I really don't think that was the point at the time, rather it was a concept exercise to demonstrate how the audience could choose a movie's outcome.

    I remember driving to a specially prepared theater in Somerville, Mass, and having each seat outfitted with a remote device not unlike what you might have seen for "America's Funniest Home Videos". It was a short movie at about 30 minutes but the audience got to sit in three times and try their hand at different combination to see how differently if could go. It was a novelty and I think it might work best at an amusement park as a singular interactive movie perhaps to show the process of piecing a movie and story together. But as an outlet for regular movies or even a series of them, I don't see how this could be profitable since each adventure would have to be relatively short and one would have to prepare a lot of extra footage for any possible outcome which means much of it would go unseen.

  • AudioSuede

    With the internet, though, a Choose Your Own Adventure series COULD be quite fun. Can you imagine a CYOA Arrested Development sort of show? It could be insane. The re-watchability of a CYOA show or movie (it would have to be interactive, though, so I have no idea how they think they could make that work anywhere but online) could be immense.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Hold on - I'm putting up a Kickstarter to buy that rock.

  • John

    I was majorly into these books when I was in elementary school. I loved them. The Indiana Jones ones were the BEST!

    As a movie? This was done already. Not "Clue", but a movie where they outfitted the theater with a three button "remote". A situation would come up and everyone in the theater would click the option they wanted. Majority ruled. As it turned out, you could vote as many times as you wanted so it became a game between my friends and the one guy in the front who was a button masher. I have no idea what buttons he was hitting, but he was doing ti so fast the color must have come off.

    I remember nothing about the movie except it felt a lot like the Police Quest and Kings Quest games that I played on my apple a few years prior. Those felt like the Choose Your Own Adventure books I read years prior to that. But it was nothing like the games Dragon's Lair and Space Ace. Those games were fantastic. Still are.

    You're right, it's a video game. And it takes away the fundamental point of the books: To create a non linear, engaging story where the reader would be engaged....oh, and read. It was the sugar with the medicine.

    The cynic in me makes me think it will just be processed sugar.

    Heres the one I saw: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I...

  • TitaniumFusedCynic

    Seriously?!
    I liked the books, when I was around 8 years old! They tried this idea
    with Clue the movie, remember how that turned out? Well if you don't, it
    SUCKED.

  • BWeaves

    Yeah, I was thinking of Clue, too.

    I'm not sure it really worked the first time.

  • Welldressed

    O, BWeaves, It worked the first time. It's still working on my 60th time. Do revisit my favorite movie EVAH. I have faith in you.

  • lonolove

    I just watched Clue for the first time on Netflix and it was wonderful! Super charming, Tim Curry was great and the house!....Well I'm a sucker for a good, big mansion set.

  • Dragonchild

    Blasphemy. "Clue" was the best you could possibly have hoped for out of a movie based on a board game. If anything, it's reason NOT to try again because you can't catch lightning in a bottle twice.

    Oh yeah. . . they tried. . . "Battleship".

  • Sherry

    I agree. "Clue" is a classic and nothing will ever make me not love it. "Flames...flames on the side of my face..."

  • tmoney

    Are you saying the entire movie sucked or just the multiple endings? Either way, we will have words!

  • NynjaSquirrel

    Gather up all the Americium-241 from a huge pile of smoke detectors, see what you can throw together in your garage. There you go - a movie based on a boy-genius who creates a world-saving, energy-conserving radioisotope thermoelectric generator in his mum's basement.

  • manting

    I saw Clue at 13 which is probably why I have a thing for maids - ones like Rosie The Robot, Alice from the Brady Bunch, and sweet, sweet Mr. Belvedere.

  • Bert_McGurt

    You mean Taylor Wilson? Granted, it was a fusion reactor in the GARAGE, but...

    http://www.popsci.com/science/...

  • NynjaSquirrel

    I've always been a bit of a tinkerer, but radioactive materials in the garage - no thanks!

  • Dragonchild

    Meanwhile, somewhere, there is probably a masterpiece we'd all love to see adapted to a movie that can't even get published as a book due to lack of a "demonstrated market".

  • No doubt. But if you give them something geared to a demonstrated market, the agents will reject you because it isn't "new" enough.

  • e jerry powell

    *wallskull*

  • The Heretic

    I remember those books from the 80s, when I hit the local library.

    The Throne of Zeus was a particular favorite. :)

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Your Code Name is Jonah.

    I liked the randomly floating whale in the background of the cover art.

  • Ozioma

    ....................................
    ................................................
    ............................................................
    no

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