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Who Looks Classier In Next to Nothing? Monica Belluci, Jessica Chastain, or Kate Upton?

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | January 22, 2013 | Comments ()


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God bless Jessica Chastain: Even when she poses for provocative photoshoots she still comes off looking every bit as classy as she is in photoshoots for EW and Elle France.

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Meanwhile Monica Belluci continues her lifelong consecutive streak of looking perfectly sultry without overdoing it in the photoshoot for Spain's Vanity Fair.

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Kate Upton, who teases a Super Bowl spot for Mercedes-Benz that features her washing a car, could learn a thing or two from Chastain and Belluci, although it's hard to fault Upton for accepting millions of dollars for wearing a low-cut shirt and playing in bubbles. I wish people wanted to see me play with bubbles in a low-cut shirt, although that commercial would probably look more like Mike Meyer's "Simon" sketches.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Daniel Valentin

    Monica Belluci could be smeared in shit after a meth bender and fighting a bear while covered in porterhouse steaks and she'd still be the hottest living being on the face of this or any other planet, so yeah.

  • TheMudshark

    Does it make someone look classy if it makes you want to rip their clothes off with your teeth? The answer, obviously, is Monica Bellucci (with two c´s).

  • Uriah_Creep

    I wish people wanted to see me play with bubbles in a low-cut shirt

    Well, the Canadian government is eliminating the penny soon and I have a few hundred of them. Rather than cashing them in, I'll give them to you, so start changing and get the camera rolling!

  • Let me see, until Ms Chastain consents to portray a character being gang-beaten by middle-aged Italian women in an 'art film', gang-raped and left for dead in a crazy, misogynistic, over-the-top fantasy, and gang-soul-crushed in limpid sequels to an innovative Sci-Fi film, I just can't respect her the way I respect Ms Bellucci. So, I'll just have to adore her.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    I thought the header pic was Christina Hendricks at first glance.

  • marigi

    Honestly, I love me some Bellucci but hearing her praised as classy always makes me smile. You should have seen her in trashy Italian movies back in the 90's, "acting" in a terrible Abruzzo accent (I guess you can compare it to a very hick twang). And she's a terrible actress!!! It's probably lost in dubbing or in the foreign language, but she barely speaks decent Italian, and she's always imitated by local comedians because of the funny way she speaks. She's the female zoolander, with only one facial expression! That's why she's always cast in the same role, more or less.
    I find her heartwarming, and I find her attempt at French classiness endearing rather than irritating. She's a national treasure, but classy... not so much.

  • marigi
  • Fabius_Maximus

    I think you can cut yourself on Chastain's face.

  • Deidra

    Amended Title:

    Who drives more empty page hits? Bellucci, Chastain, Upton, or all three together?

    Answer: Yes

  • I'm not quite sure why but Jessica Chastain has managed to get on my last nerve.

  • Boo_Radley

    Worst pics of Monica Bellucci ever.

  • PDamian

    Is it fair to compare the three? Chastain is a northern Californian with a working-class background who was acting professionally onstage with San Francisco companies while she was still in high school, and has a BFA from Julliard. Belluci has been modelling since she was 13; before she started acting, she was one of the most sought-after models in Europe. Upton is an upper-middle class girl from Florida who's still known best for bikini shots, even after appearances in Vogue. The first is a professional who's been honing her craft for years; the second is a top model with some acting talent who's still known more for the beauty, style and mystery she brings to her roles than for her acting (granted, she was magnificent in Malena, but that was a single role); and the third -- well, too soon to tell, but aside from the bouncing boobies, there's not much there. Yet.

    Between the three, I'll choose Chastain, who was amazing in Zero Dark Thirty and for whom I now have a fierce admiration. Mostly, though, I just want to read the article touted on the Vanity Fair cover above: "No, no and no! What do the Obama daughters complain about?"

  • You seem to have thought this through. Is that allowed, Rowles?

  • lowercase_ryan

    Kate Upton's legs are freaking weird and disconcerting. How do they even hold her up? It's like the female version of guys at the gym that only work their arms.

  • BendinIntheWind

    Kate Upton just looks so low-rent to me. Put her next to Chastain and Bellucci and there's ZERO contest.

  • Heatseeker

    Yikes, Jessica Chastain is so beautiful I almost can't believe it.

    Bellucci still wins, though. For as long as she's on this earth, she wins.

  • Brown

    "Hey guys, let's have Kate Upton say cliched lines and bouncing around fully clothed." Said no one ever except Mercedes-Benz.

  • theotherone

    Monica Bellucci wins everything so it's not really fair to compare.

    Bellucci > Chastian > Upton.

    Chastain is the actress I thought Bryce Dallas Howard would have been.

  • theotherone

    PS: Normally Redheads trump all in my world, but Monica is one of the few exceptions. All three are equally beautiful women and only my personal bias effected the ranking order.

    Bellucci = Chastian = Upton.

  • Natallica

    Monica is 48 years old, goddamn it. And everyday, she wakes up next to Vincent Cassel. So, yes, it's not fair.

  • Buck Forty

    Monica is 48 years old? That info could be dangerous in the wrong hands...

  • PDamian

    The Vanity Fair pictorial above quotes Monica: "Vincent and I are very independent. We live in different worlds. We don't share everything, and we're not always together." So if you time it right, you might still get a shot at Cassel ...

  • And I at Bellucci?! ...I hear your silence, and it sounds like a resounding yes to me. Excellent. Bags being packed.

  • ,

    I was hoping for an homage to "Cool Hand Luke" in that last one.

    Kate Upton, meh.

  • hasshole

    Class=Monica Belucci

  • Lindsey Gregory

    Monica Bellucci always wins. The end.

  • That depends, on what basis are we comparing Chastain and Upton to God's blueprint for Woman?

  • truthoncinema

    So Mercedes is getting into the GoDaddy world of Super Bowl commercials huh?

  • BlackRabbit

    I like the part where the kid is still staring off into the distance after she's walked away. "I can't turn my neck!"
    Also, Chastian. Especially with the red hair.

  • io

    Monica Bellucci because of reasons.

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