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Who Knew Diet Coke Could Be So Viscous and ... Jizzy?

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | January 29, 2013 | Comments ()


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OK, Jizzy is officially the worst-sounding made-up word ever, and this is the most cringeworthy sentence ever written: "Diet Coke's jizzy new ad will moisten your panties." YOU'RE WELCOME.

The good news is, if you like shirtless dudes, Diet Coke has recreated their similarly themed by less jizzy 1994 ad featuring a bunch of women tittering while watching a Mr. Stud Puppet take a break from manual labor. In the present ad, the insatiable women coax him into popping open a Diet Coke, which then gets jizzy all over him, because nothing says sexy like having your bare chest covered in a liquid of sticky aspartame, caramel coloring, phosphoric acid, and phenylalanine.

There are also GIFs, in case you want to relive the Diet Coke ejaculate in 3-second flashes.

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(Via: Jezebel)
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Comments Are Welcome, Douches Are Not


  • marya

    I'm just going to say it. Those abs are gross. I'm not saying I like an enormous beer gut, but abs are overrated. All weird and bumpy with the skin stretched so tight over them, like you're a frog about to spawn tadpoles that burst THROUGH YOUR SKIN.

    I'm begging you, fellas. Go for a run, yes, do some sit-ups, sure, but then call it a day and practice your dirty talk. Much better return on investment.

  • Mrcreosote

    Of course they leave out the takes where the can rolls into the industrial mower and shards of aluminium shrapnel take out half of the happy park-going public. That's why men should have a protective layer of fat around their abdomen. THAT'S WHY OKAY!

  • logan

    How long will men be forced to be sex objects for womens most base desires? How long will men be exploited for their looks? How long will men be forced to do manual labor while females occupy less physically demanding and dangerous jobs? How long will young men be made to degrade themselves for a Diet Coke? Remember ladies that man is someones son.

  • e jerry powell

    And soon, he will be my boytoy. I'm kind of like Calvin Klein that way.

  • Buck Forty

    If you squint your eyes, and have watched a lot of porn, it totally looks like bukkake.

  • malechai

    I have to say this ad bugs me...how can we, as women approve of this, when if men did this in reverse, we'd be infur...shirt...off...abs................what?

  • e jerry powell

    Behold, the power of man-fur!!!!

  • Kballs

    It's about time someone tapped into the jizz-soaked-hipster-with-a-gym-membership-and-egg-white-fetish market. I just expected beer or hand soap to beat them to it.

  • PDamian

    Guess I'm the only one round here old enough to remember the original Diet Coke hunk, Lucky Vanous:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

    According to IMDb, he starred in a single-season TV show called "18 Wheels of Justice," then left acting/modeling to open a restaurant in LA. I now have high hopes of a Taylor Swift show on CW called "18 Boy-Men of Disappointment," followed by her opening a pulled-pork sandwich shack in Nashville.

  • e jerry powell

    That's enough to put me off of pulled pork for the rest of my life.

  • gp

    oh god. i had the lucky vanous calendar that year.

  • Frank Booth

    Whilst on the subject of 80s commercials here's one for the guys :

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

    This I remember fondly...

  • malechai

    I remember that one! My friends and I used to crimp our hair and practice crumpling candy bar wrappers and flicking them because we thought that chick was boss. But we didn't say boss because that was a pre-boss era.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    "Diet Coke’s jizzy new ad will moisten your panties slacks.”

    There we go. NOW it's the cringiest.

  • wojtek

    That lady's ears sagged with awe. How is that not the headline?! Her EARS. SAGGED. With AWE.

    And anyone complaining will be glad to know that this one's for the European markets. You guys get Taylor Swift. So, you know... have fun jizzing all over that.

  • e jerry powell

    But if it tests well in Europe, they will be widening the reach.

  • Optimus Rhyme

    He's is just skin and ropy muscle! Will someone please get that poor guy a sandwich?

  • John G.

    What the fuck? So, are the girls supposed to be laughing at his diet jizz? Are they supposed to be amazed? Can someone translate from male sexual paranoia and sexist fantasy into English for me?

  • LibraryChick

    I don't know. I just keep thinking it's such a waste of Diet Coke, and I'm not even a big caffeine girl.

  • DeltaJuliet

    I believe they are amazed by the abs, not the Diet Coke jizz. At least, that's what did it for me.

  • So this is the thread where we post Taylor Swift gifs right?

  • Disqus converts gifs to jpgs? For shame sir! For shame!

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