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July 17, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | July 17, 2008 |


Keanu Reeves as the Plastic Man? That’s the scuttlebutt making its way around the nets (it’s a slow week — hell, it’s a slow fucking month). But, come in my ear. Give me a fucking break. The actor with the most inelastic expression in Hollywood playing a superhero who can stretch his body into any imaginable form? The man can’t stretch his forehead into a furrow; it’s like casting Robin Williams in The Diving Bell and the Butterfly as the guy with locked-in syndrome, or Mr. Bean as Tupac Shakur in a biopic of his life. What goes on in the rattling skulls of The Wachowskis, who are reportedly eyeing the project (with Joel Silver producing)? Is it some sort of personal mission to make a movie that crash-burns harder than Speed Racer? Plastic Man was offbeat … quirky … he had a sense of humor. Keanu has a shitty band. Here’s an idea, Larry and Andy: If you want to ensure the failure of Plastic Man, write in Robin the Boy Wonder, and have him played by The Rock.

And speaking of comic-book superheroes, the Iron Man sequel has landed itself a scribe: Justin Theroux, who has had a pretty lengthy, but minor, acting career (Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, “Six Feet Under”) is set to write the sequel after impressing folks with his script for Tropic Thunder. He also directed the overlooked, but in my opinion, very goddamn good romantic comedy, Dedication, which starred Billy Crudup and Tom Wilkinson and came and went last year with little notice.

I was kvetching just last week, after posting a trailer for yet another forgettable Kate Hudson romantic comedy (this one starring the boil on The Anti-Christ’s ass, Dane Cook) that the woman is more talented than the parts she takes, and that she’s wasting her goddamn career starring opposite a series of bland leading men. Well, somebody remembered that she’s actually been nominated for an Oscar and cast her in an ensemble musical alongside some actual goddamn talent. Rob Marshall (Chicago) has hired her for his musical, Nine, alongside Judi Dench, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Sophia Loren, Marion Cottilard, and Daniel Day-Lewis. Based on the autobiography of Frederico Fellini, Day-Lewis will star as Guido Contini, a famous film director approaching 40 and trying to find a balance between his personal and professional lives. Cottilard will play his wife, while Cruz or Hudson (or both) will likely play his mistress. And ohmyfuckingod! Daniel Day-Lewis is gonna sing, motherfuckers. I bet the man has the kind of singing voice that feels like you’re being fucked against a brick wall. I abhor musicals, but that I have to experience.

Todd Phillips, who directed a couple of movies that I’d argue helped to pave the way for the Apatow Revolution (Road Trip and, more importantly, Old School — he also wrote the Borat film) before hitting a painful dry spell (Starsky and Hutch, School of Scoundrels) is putting together his next film, Hangover another low-concept comedy that will likely rely heavily on the talents of its leads. Fortunately, he’s casting Ed Helms and Bradley Cooper as two (of three) bachelor-party friends who, er, lose the groom two days before the wedding. It’s Helms’ first lead role. And, perhaps, he’ll finally break the curse Steve Carrel put on “Daily Show” anchors, ensuring that no one after him has a leading man movie career, relegating the rest of the staff to shitty best-friend roles in crappy comedies (see, e.g., Rob Corddry). And poor Mo Rocca — the best the guy can do now is a regular stint on “Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me,” playing second-fiddle to the “Leave a Light On” guy. Then again, that’s better than the fate of Vance Degeneres — I understand he works for a NAPA Auto Parts store now.

(Mini-Diversion: Aside from Carrel or Colbert, who is your all-time favorite “Daily Show” anchor? And how many people confuse the hell out of Beth Littleford and Nancy Walls?)

In other news you couldn’t possibly care about, some dumbass thinks it’s a great idea to make a feature documentary about Billy Joel’s performances at Shea Stadium this week (it’s being demolished at the end of the baseball season). That dumbass is actually Billy Joel himself, who is seriously overestimating the country’s thirst for a Billy Joel documentary. The doc will “track the intersecting paths of a blue-collar Long Island musician and the Queens ballpark.” Pardon, but I don’t think that anyone could call Billy Joel a “blue-collar” singer anymore, unless you know a lot of blue-collar guys who marry supermodels, own yachting companies, and spend time at the Betty Ford clinic. At any rate, I’m sure Chuck Klosterman will be thrilled; I doubt anyone else gives a shit.

Trailer Watch

It’s rare when a big-budget movie isn’t discussed in our trade round-up before we feature its trailer, but somehow Outlander slipped through the cracks. It’s got dragons, aliens, Vikings, and even Jesus, plus it comes from an LOTR producer. Also, it looks like a wicked combination of excrement and bubble gum stuck to the bottom of a flip flop. Sometimes, it’s not even worth cleaning that shit off — just buy yourself a new pair of Tevas, buddy.

Well, it could be worse. Here’s the trailer for HSM 3 — I won’t tell you what the acronym stands for, so that I can laugh to myself picturing all of you figuring it out around the 10 second mark and then raping your face off.

Finally, here’s the teaser trailer for Terminator 4 starring Christian Bale. I was all set to hate T4 because McG is directing it. And it still may suck, but while this teaser trailer offers up almost nothing, the 10 seconds or so of Christian Bale simply speaking was enough to inspire my loins to do an Olivia Newton John number (yeah — my testes are currently singing “Xanadu.” I really need to have a word with them about their musical tastes). Anyway, not even fucking McG can keep me away.

Short and sweet, like Prisco:

A Pajiba Reminder

Finally, one last reminder: You have until the 22nd to enter the Films of Pennsylvania contest. A short paragraph — amusing, serious, or completely incoherent — about your favorite film, set in or about PA. Winner gets tickets to see Dylan, Gnarls Barkley, and The Roots, among others, plus a Pajiba T-shirt.

Otherwise, stick around — we’ll have the Emmy nominations up a little later this morning.

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The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Industry | July 17, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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