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What Did You Do, Wake Up This Morning And Say, "Today, I'm Going To Ruin A Man's Life?" Remake Rumors That'll Crack Your Soul

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (19)

Butler-Licking-Heigl.jpg

Hello, you disgusting, useless, ass-gargling trolls. How was your weekend? Good? I don’t care. I hope it your toilet bowl was filled with lampreys. Here’s news on some remakes that will likely make that infection worse.

First of all, there is news that Sam Raimi’s Ghost House Pictures wants to remake The Grudge, based on the 2000 film Juon, directed by Takashi Shimizu. Anyone who knows anything about the subject matter knows how bizarre this is, since Juon spawned a sequel, and then was remade with an American cast (starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, in a truly horrendous film). Then, the American film had two sequels of its own. That makes five movie total, and even stranger, they’re all directed by Shimizu… with varying degrees of competence. I guess what I’m saying is, haven’t we had enough of The Grudge? I sure as shit have.

Next up on the remake block, one of the few decent films ever made by Joel Schumacher — 1990’s Flatliners. I actually have great fondness for Flatliners — it was a surprisingly original, interesting film, dealing with near death experiences and haunting, vengeful pasts catching up with you. The cast was pretty lights-out at the time, too — Kiefer Sutherland, Kevin Bacon, Julia Roberts, William Baldwin and Oliver Platt. I still thoroughly enjoy Flatliners once a year or so. In any event, Sony just tapped The Source Code writer Ben Ripley to take a crack at “a contemporary reimagining” which, I just… ugh. Phrases like that give me hives.

And lastly, the news that makes me want to put all of your hands down a garbage disposal, Fox’s remake of Romancing The Stone. For those who haven’t seen Robert Zemeckis’ unheralded 1984 film, dear god, stop what you’re doing and go watch it. It’s goddamn brilliant. Michael Douglas was a stunning effective action hero, a charming, arrogant rogue who played his part beautifully. Kathleen Turner was Kathleen Turner — that is to say, knee-knockingly sexy and generally fantastic. Danny Devito killed as the smarmy crook Ralph, and the whole film was just perfect. So, yeah, let’s remake the fuck out of it, right?

To make matters worse, Fox (fucking Fox, man) is apparently hoping to snag Katherine Heigl to play romance novelist Joan Wilder. That’s… problematic. Let’s leave it there. To play the role of Jack Colton, they’re looking at either the muscle-shaped slab of wood that is Taylor Kitsch, or Gerard Butler. Butler would probably work out in some ways, but his previous romantic effort with Heigl was that bucket of shit shoved in the face of man and God, The Ugly Truth. And I shudder to think what kind of “updating” Fox has in mind if that’s the direction they’re headed in.

Well, to ease the burning a little bit, here’s the trailer for Romancing The Stone. It’s actually one of the best trailers of all time. Seriously, check it out. It’s goddamn brilliant.


(Souces: FSR and Slashfilm)









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Comments

That header pic made me lose my breakfast.

Posted by: AlwaysSunnyinNJ at August 29, 2011 10:37 AM

Surprisingly I agree with TK, not that we are ass-gargling trolls but that "Romancing the Stone" was a good movie. I have fond memories of it. But people like remakes, they go see them so I blame all of you for this, you ass-gargling trolls!


I guess I agree with TK completely.

Posted by: logan at August 29, 2011 10:40 AM

I guess what I’m saying is, haven’t we had enough of The Grudge?

Never enough. Bring on the anger-fed haunted house films. The more the better.

Posted by: Robert at August 29, 2011 10:42 AM

I'd like to add that there were technically 4 Japanese Grudge films - 2 were (I think?) Shimizu's student film efforts, Ju-On: The Curse, which studios liked enough to give him the go-ahead to make two new movies based on his original efforts, which is where Ju-On: The Grudge and its sequel come into play.

And then the American movies.

So actually there are something like 7. Yeesh.

Same director also has a vaguely interesting, super-low-budget movie out called Marebito, which they filmed on a hand-cam in 7 days in between shooting Grudge movies. It's not amazing, but it's surprisingly good for "got some dudes and a chick and a hand cam and we had 7 days free with nothing to do so we made a movie."

Posted by: Nat Kittyface at August 29, 2011 11:10 AM

I LOVE Romancing the Stone. Also, Katherine Heigl is NO Kathleen Turner. Jesus. Just...how?

Posted by: KatSings at August 29, 2011 11:19 AM

Did they not get the memo that part of what made Michael Douglas work in that movie was that he DIDN'T look like somebody you'd find on a romance novel cover? I mean, that was kind of the point, wasn't it?

As for The Grudge... I'd rather see them remake mediocre movies than great ones.

Posted by: Todd at August 29, 2011 11:30 AM

Isn't The Grudge already a remake of Ju-On? And wasn't Ju-On a remake of a Japanese television movie based on a novel? So, a remake of a remake of a remake of a tv movie based on a book?

Hollywood has officially become a human centipede.

Posted by: Craig at August 29, 2011 11:40 AM

Really? That trailer is goddamn brilliant? Is this an example of that "hipster irony" that I've been hearing about? Over my head...

Posted by: Rest In Peace at August 29, 2011 11:44 AM

IF Romancing the Stone has to be remade (and I say this in the same tone as I would say "IF I must jam this fork in my eye...") I wouldn't mind Butler as Jack Coulton. I think he could do rogueish. I keep reminding myself of how much I enjoyed him in RocknRolla. However, there MUST be someone better than Rainbow Killer to play Joan. Joan is sweetly neurotic, not a stone cold bitch, and everything I've seen Heigl in, she looks like underneath she is counting the minutes until she can get paid and go home--possibly while thinking how much she hates all her costars.

Posted by: Siege at August 29, 2011 11:53 AM

Stop remaking the films of my childhood and adolescence! They should leave Romancing the Stone alone, thank you very much. It's perfect and wonderful and delightful already, and stupidface Heigl should not be let anywhere near a great character like Joan Wilder.

I even have a fondness for The Jewel of the Nile, even though the sequel isn't in the same league.

Posted by: Malin at August 29, 2011 12:03 PM

The possibility of a Romancing The Stone remake is doubly silly because the entire original was itself a winking nod to the kind of trashy "romance" novels her character wrote.

And those... well they're really not a thing anymore.
Not like they were in the 80's.
Nowadays it's shit like Eat Pray Love, and The Help.
(not that those "romance" novels weren't shit... just a different kind of... nevermind)

The remake might make sense in the 2010's if Joan Wilder wrote horrible vampire novels and gets herself embroiled in an uninteresting love triangle.

Posted by: Scott at August 29, 2011 12:04 PM

Romancing the Stone was released 27 years ago?!

fuck.

i'm old.

Posted by: causaubon at August 29, 2011 12:24 PM

I think trashy romance novels are still out there. At least, the bookshops I see (what few remain) are still full of them. And definitely the used book shops.

Romancing the Stone was so rough. They were dirty. The hair was frizzy. They got messy and were not magically cleaned up. There was a practicality to the movie that really made it work - the messiness of a crazy adventure that was improbable but *could* actually happen in real life, and if it did, it would go down this sloppily.

Posted by: Sara Tonin at August 29, 2011 12:57 PM

I'm hoping that this is a trick to lure Heigl into the jungle and leave her there. Let's just make the first day of shooting the mudslide scene and tell her it's completely safe and she'll only be going down about 5 feet. Then push her off a slick mountain.

Posted by: Paultera at August 29, 2011 1:19 PM

Romancing the Stone was the shit! Heigl and Butler will turn it into shit.

Posted by: Carolina Girl at August 29, 2011 4:34 PM

Y'all need to come down. Romancing the Stone was great but it's not like they're remaking The Godfather with Taylor Kitsch in the Pacino role. I shouldn't have said that out loud, should I?

Is The Grudge one of that group of movies with grey children crawling around and meowing like cats? I thought we were done with all that.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at August 29, 2011 4:54 PM

To be fair, Heigl would be very good playing the uptight prig that is Joan Wilder in the first 1/3 of the movie. She just wouldn't be able to make the transition of the character's arc in the rest of the film.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at August 29, 2011 8:50 PM

Regarding Romancing the Stone: My friend and I constantly quote the part with Alfonso Arau (can't recall his character's name) where Turner and Douglas are tryimg to gain entry into Arau's compound. Arau recognizes Joan Wilder as the romance novelist and says gleefully, "Wait! Joan Wilder? ZEE Joan Wilder? I've read all your books! Come in, come in!" Jack Colton's bewildered look of admiration towards Joan Wilder as they're admitted into the compound is priceless. God I love that scene.

Posted by: TurnipTheRadio at August 30, 2011 2:33 AM

I think I'll just repeat what I ranted about the possibility of a Blade Runner remake.

No!

Fuck and NO!!

*ahem* Seriously, Romancing the Stone should not be remade. NO movie should be remade until it's more than a century old. Can we make that rule? One remake per century?

What's next? A fresh remake of Casablanca not starring Pammy Anderson?

*goes to gargle a chainsaw*

Posted by: Wintermute at August 30, 2011 4:42 PM