A F*cking Hula Hoop Has An Agent Before I Do. And I Do All My Own Nude Scenes.
According to that magnificent cocksucker at Filmdrunk, ICM now officially reps all the plastic cheaply made crap in Hollywood, and I'm not talking about Heidi Montag's tits. Since they had so much success converting Megan Fox into something that moves on celluloid for money, they should be able to do the same for the line of plastic fads that get passed around at yard sales across the flyover states like...well, like pictures of Megan Fox. Seriously, these motherfuckers represent three current Oscar nominees (Melissa Leo, Hailee Steinfeld, and Jesse Eiseberg) and now they're gonna shop flicks about toys.
Sounds incredibly stupid? ICM has currently taken one of their other clients, Atari, and gotten three flicks into production: Missle Command, Rollercoaster Tycoon, and Asteroids. No word yet on my proposed Berserk or River Raid spec scripts. But this is a very real possibility, people.
What products could end up with their very own feature films? Wham-O has created the Hula Hoop, Frisbee, Water Wiggle, Slip N' Slide, Silly String, Super Ball, and owns the rights to Hacky Sack. Soak that in for a moment. Sure, it could be something creative like The Hudsucker Proxy, which still remains my favorite Coen Brothers movie, but it won't be. We can only pray to the tentacled deity that they make them all B-horror movies like Megaultrabeaver 2: The Sharkening.
Instead of complaining about the inevitability of this heralding of end times, let's be productive. I am officially announcing my candidacy for the lead role in the Super Ball film. If we couldn't get Donald Glover as "Spider-Man," the least we can do is make me a giant rubber bouncy ball. Get on Twitter, get on Facebook, start contacting the studios and ICM. Brian Prisco for Super Ball. What bounces jovially off skyscrapers and through windows? Brian Prisco, if you pay him SAG feature rates.
Boing-oing-oinging Into Your Hearts Summer 2013. Brian Prisco is SUPER BALL. Rated R for continuous profanity, gratuitous full-frontal nudity, graphic violence and a scene of drug use involving silly putty.
(Amazing header picture by replica.)