Aaack... Aack... Ack-Aack-Ack Ack Aaack*: We're Certain The Mars Attacks Musical Isn't An April Fool's Joke? (Update: Nope!)
After the news of the forthcoming soulless abomination that will be the next Garbage Pail Kids and Twins movies vomited all over the Internet, I was starting to wonder if anything else could ever make our collective heads explode again. Then I learned about the planned musical adaptation of Mars Attacks. Yes, it seems like all the post modern nostalgic re-imaginings we've been hearing coming out of Hollywood lately has finally settled on trading cards -- after comic books, video games, and action figures -- as their next big aftermarket obsession. I can only imagine that next some studio will green light Slammer Don't Hurt 'Em, about POGs with a soundtrack inspired by the M.C. Hammer catalogue.
Based on the Tim Burton movie that was based on the collectible trading cards of the same name, Marks Attacks: 21st Century Slaughter will actually be a Broadway musical, in the irreverent vein of Trey Parker and Matt Stone's The Book of Mormon. That may seem like a lofty goal, but the show is being written by comic scribe John Layman, whose Chew (co-created with artist Rob Guillory) is both one of the best funny books of the last decade and would make for an excellent cable TV show in its own right.* Here's Layman on his vision:
"My approach to MARS ATTACKS on stage is sort of a science fiction version of West Side Story: a human and a Martian involved in a star-crossed romance, set against the backdrop of a violent interstellar war -- with all of humanity caught in between! It's going to be a rollicking good time, with songs that will make you want to get up and dance!"
And here's the full one-sheet:
If I were you, I'd be skeptical that this wasn't a delayed April Fool's Day joke, too. But considering this news was originally broken on Friday, I'd say we're in the clear. And, really, with how the movie ends, it was only a matter of time before the Martians fought back with a song and dance routine of their own.
It looks like the Mars Attacks musical was an early April Fool's joke, after all. Boo-urns, you guys. Boo-urns. But, hey, maybe with all the hubbub surrounding the announcement in geek circles somebody will go ahead and make this happen. Or, at the very least, make a YouTube video. Get on it, Internet!
* Translated from the original Martianese: "Near... Far... Wherever you are."
** Dream cast: Ken Leung and Josh Holloway ("LOST") as Tony Chu and John Colby, respectively, Jenny Wade ("Reaper"/"The Good Guys") as Amelia Mintz, and the incomparable John Goodman as Mason Savoy.
Rob Payne also writes the comic The Unstoppable Force, tweets on the Twitter @RobOfWar, and his ware can be purchased here (if you're into that sort of thing). He's mostly just frustrated that he'll probably never get to see Mars Attacks on a for real Broadway stage.