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Voltron the Movie | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Transformers Crossed with Siegfried and Roy

F**k Me in the Eyeball / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | July 20, 2009 | Comments (42)

Are you fucking kidding me with this? Voltron: The Movie? I have only the vaguest recollection of Voltron, the cartoon series, and for some reason, I thought it was a Transformers spin-off. It’s not really. More like a bad Transformers knock-off. Well, some enterprising producers (including one of the producers of The Dark Knight and Get Smart) have decided to big screen it.

If you’re too young to remember what Voltron was, allow me to fill you in: It was about five robot lions that, when combined, formed a giant super robot, Voltron. Each robot lion had its own pilot. And they were charged with defending the planet Arus from villain King Zarkon, who dispatched evil creatures called Robobeats to fight the Voltron robots.

In short, it was retardation epitomized.

But alas, it had a devoted following (it was the 80s; if a flaming bag of shit turned into a robot, it, too, would’ve had a devoted following). And a few somebodies somewhere thought: Hey! What a great concept for a movie. It’s like Transformers crossed with Siegfried and Roy.

The idea for a Voltron movie has actually been around for a while now — it had begun to languish before Atlas Entertainment decided to resurrect it. At one time, Justin Marks had been attached. Marks, as you recall, wrote one of the worst movies of the decade — Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li. And it wasn’t bad because of the bad acting or the bad direction — mostly, it was the awful script. Of course, Hollywood doesn’t care about quality, they only care that a writer is capable of stringing together words, which is why Marks — following Street Fighter — has been attached to Voltron, Grayskull and Super Max, among other movies (mostly remakes). Apparently, in addition to lacking talent, the man also has no dignity.

And while you might think that Voltron is simply capitalizing on the unfortunate success of Transformers (like herpes, Michael Bay is the gift that keeps on giving), this one is different, according to one of its producers. “Unlike other robotic action movies, ‘Voltron’ is the personification of the human spirit, a quality that will set this movie apart.”

Giant lion robots! The personification of the human spirit! Yeah. And so is Bruno’s talking penis. Just be honest, Mr. Producer Man. Just say what you mean: “It’s going to be absolute shit. But it’s going to make so much motherfucking money, I’m going to buy a blow-up doll filled with cocaine, and I’m going to snort that shit out of her hoo-ha until I black out in her lap!”


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Comments

Oh man. Rowles, you are setting yourself up for some hate with this post. Voltron is one of my favorite childhood memories and actually it's not a ripoff of Transformers in the slightest. Having said that, the movie is still going to both suck and blow.

Posted by: Jeff at July 20, 2009 4:06 PM

"In short, it was retardation epitomized..."

*sigh*

Maybe not as retarded as not knowing there were TWO Voltrons, chief.

Maybe you should leave these to someone who at least has knowledge of the material.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at July 20, 2009 4:06 PM

Hasn't this already been done? Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers was a rip-off of Voltron, and they did a crappy movie on that back in '95.

Posted by: Brie at July 20, 2009 4:11 PM

(it was the 80s; if a flaming bag of shit turned into a robot, it, too, would’ve had a devoted following)

Wait one second, hoss. If you were 5 years old in the eighties then this is true. But teens and adults in the eighties not only had no idea this kind of shit existed, we wouldn't have watched it if we did. We were too busy drinking wine coolers, snorting coke, and watching John Hughes movies.

Posted by: ed newman at July 20, 2009 4:19 PM

wow... harsh words... this makes the child in me sad... because she remembers LOVING THE FUCK OUT OF VOLTRON!!!! however you are probably correct in that the movie adaption will suck big floppy donkey dicks...

Posted by: Tammers at July 20, 2009 4:26 PM

I love it when you're angry, Pajiba.

I have no emotional connection to this show at all, but I have a friend who's going to be weeping tears of blood.

Posted by: twig at July 20, 2009 4:28 PM

It’s like Transformers crossed with Siegfried and Roy.
---
If it means a tiger is going to maul Megan Fox, I'm in.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 20, 2009 4:32 PM

Voltron! Defender of the Universe!

I have only the fuzziest memories of what this show was like, but I know I LOVED it.

I had erotic thoughts about Voltron. True story. I was seven and I used to dream up these tortured romantic scenarios for the princess and the green pilot (or was it blue?). Screw that captain in red. I like the bad boys.

Will I see this movie? No.


Posted by: marya at July 20, 2009 4:34 PM

Well, due to the fact that I only saw a couple of episodes of Voltron, I escape relatively unscathed. I feel somewhat empty.

Posted by: admin at July 20, 2009 4:36 PM

I am fairly certain that there were actually THREE Voltrons, BarbadoSlim.

Posted by: bullfrog at July 20, 2009 4:39 PM

Seriously? A copy off of Transformers? What are you, fucking retarded?

Try doing some research once in a while so you don't make a complete ass out of yourself with your dumb-as-fuck opinions.

Posted by: Some Guy at July 20, 2009 4:41 PM

If the lions have human pilots, they are not "robots" any more than an F-16 is, Dustin. (Since the term would be lost on you, I won't tell you what they're actually called.)

I loved Voltron back in the day almost as much as I loved the Transformers. Which means this will end up being almost as painful as Michael Bay's recent abominations.

Posted by: Todd at July 20, 2009 4:44 PM

There WERE three Voltrons. And in NO WAY was MMPR a rip-off of Volton. At all.

And it wasn't the green uniformed pilot. That was the dorky kid/dude. The blue uniformed pilot was the fun reckless guy and the black uniformed pilot went nuts after being captured and imprisoned for some time.

I am a nerd.

Posted by: grendel at July 20, 2009 4:46 PM

I was kind of right - a third series was planned but never actually made.

http://voltron.wikia.com/wiki/Voltron_Gladiator_Force

Which I guess makes my parents super-cool for buying me a super-rare Red Gladiator Voltron for my birthday instead of the super-awesome red lion that all the cool kids had when I was seven. What an ingrate I was.

Posted by: bullfrog at July 20, 2009 4:46 PM

Crap, I've never heard of this one either. Does it have landsharks with red eyes and chicken feet, with frickin lasers strapped to their heads? (RIP Managerguy)

Posted by: BWeaves at July 20, 2009 4:49 PM

This worked as a child for me in the 80's, and I've introduced it to my son, who loves it. I guess it's just one of those things you watch and enjoy at a certain age. I thought every boy watched Voltron, except the boys who liked My Little Pony. Were you one of those boys, Rowles? A little too much interest in big sister's Care Bears, hmm? ;)

That being said, I don't enjoy it anymore- just about every aspect of it is horrid, from animation, voice, plots, whatever. Just painful to watch.

Thundercats, though... That is still the bomb. Or did you not watch that, either? Too busy watching Gem?

Posted by: logar at July 20, 2009 4:50 PM

I am fairly certain that there were actually THREE Voltrons, BarbadoSlim.

Posted by: bullfrog at July 20, 2009 4:39 PM
----------------------------------------------
Are you shittin' me?

I'm going by the two series that were aired back in the day:

Lion Force that was based on planet Arus and the Space Force or Galaxy Alliance fleet Voltron that was actually built because the one on the planet was too far or some shit like that.
I remember the fleet mecha took like half an episode to assemble since it had like 15 vehicles and three or four teams to assemble.

I didn't follow it after that.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at July 20, 2009 4:53 PM

I always made-believe that I was the mysterious brown lion, who constituted Voltron's ass. I was a gassy child.

Posted by: logar at July 20, 2009 4:55 PM

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

*falls over from the awesome*

Posted by: figgy at July 20, 2009 4:56 PM

Also, Dustin, you're a boob. Voltron was the shit and I have been waiting YEARS for a movie to be made. So. FUCK YEAH.

Posted by: figgy at July 20, 2009 4:59 PM

Voltron was probably my favorite television show in my youth. It was a pillar of my formitive years. My favorite lion was the green lion, because I thought he had the coolest den (in the forest) and because green was my favorite color. He was also one of Voltron's arms (the LEFT arm - ka-kow!) and it was much better than being some dumb leg. The only problem with Green Lion was that his pilot was that wormy little androgynous guy.

A few years ago, they started re-airing Voltron on Adult Swim, and I TiVoed them with great enthusiasm. Thus was it that one of my fondest childhood memories was destroyed. Far from being the great sci-fi/fantasy epic that I remembered, it was a moronic, poorly-animated hack job with the occasional lapses into bizarre surreality.

The most mind-balling moment in watching it again came in a scene when the princess was caught disobeying her fat, German nanny. The nanny brusquely took the princess across her lap, and proceeded to spank her - while all the men stood about laughing.

It was incredibly mysoginistic, yet somehow alluring ... I can't understand why I didn' remember that scene from my youth. I also can't understand how I could have liked that show, even with my mushy, unformed, Thundercats brain.

Posted by: Leftylad at July 20, 2009 5:00 PM

Hasn't this already been done? Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers was a rip-off of Voltron, and they did a crappy movie on that back in '95.

Hahaha I was 13. I owned that movie.

Jesus Christ I'm glad we grow up.

*inserts Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie into the VCR*

Posted by: DeistBrawler at July 20, 2009 5:10 PM

I loved Voltron when I was a kid. I called up every toy store and hobby store in the Metro Dallas area looking for the Japanese toy Go-Lion, that Voltron was based off of. I finally found it and got it for my birthday. It was sweet. I still have it in my parents' basement (where I decidedly do not live).

FORM BLAZING SWORD.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at July 20, 2009 5:11 PM

DR:
It’s like Transformers crossed with Siegfried and Roy.

---

Formerly:
If it means a tiger is going to maul Megan Fox, I'm in.

---

Scenes from the mecha-sutra anyone? I think I'd watch that.

Sigfried / Roy '12
"Experts in illusion, to give you the illusion of government."

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at July 20, 2009 5:17 PM

Too busy watching Gem?

Jem.

Truly outrageous.

Posted by: twig at July 20, 2009 5:17 PM

Man, I was so pissed when my local Fox channel pulled He-Man and Masters of the Universe for Jem.

Posted by: bullfrog at July 20, 2009 5:28 PM

Voltron was actually one of the better 80s Japanese cartoon imports. So Dustin, you crib the plot synopsis off of Wiki (or so it seems) and suddenly you know the show enough to slag it so? That's some fine journalism!

I can't quite remember what happened to Sven. Did he die or just quit the team? I could Google it...but what's the fun of that?

Posted by: stryker1121 at July 20, 2009 6:11 PM

what happened to Sven. Did he die or just quit the team? I could Google it...but what's the fun of that?

Posted by: stryker1121 at July 20, 2009 6:11 PM

-----------------------------------------------

I think he hooked up with a Princes from some other kingdom that was also at war with the bad guys and he stayed there for the duration.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at July 20, 2009 6:46 PM

It’s like Transformers crossed with Siegfried and Roy.
---
If it means a tiger is going to maul Megan Fox, I'm in.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 20, 2009 4:32 PM

I have fallen head over heels again. You sir, are fantastic!

Posted by: Eyvi at July 20, 2009 6:48 PM

FORM! Feet and legs!

FORM! Arms and body!

AND I'LL FORM THE HEAD!

GO VOLTRON!

[KILLER POSE - FREEZE FRAME]

FORM! Blazing Sword!

And there is your Voltron movie.

Posted by: Meander at July 20, 2009 6:50 PM

Fuck Voltron.

Fuck the Transformers.

Fuck G.I.Joe.

Fuck the Smurfs, My Little Pony, the Care Bears, He-Man, the Thundercats, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Strawberry Shortcake, and Rainbow Brite.

Fuck them all in their fucking fuck-holes and let us be done with them. We were kids, we loved them, we grew up--and know now that they sucked. Movies based on any of them will suck as well. So fuck them all with something that it would really hurt to get fucked with, and let us speak of this no more.

*wipes spattered blood from his distinguished looking spectacles*

I'll be in my bunk.

Posted by: gforcetwo at July 20, 2009 7:31 PM

I'm kind of excited about it. Why? Because then I can look down my superior nose at all the people who've seen it, while I refuse to sully my eyes and brain with that "mindless dreck." Like I already do with both the Transformer movies. Try it, it's fun!

Posted by: mandasarah at July 20, 2009 7:34 PM

Posted by: gforcetwo at July 20, 2009 7:31 PM

*Sharpens the dildo from Seven*

What do you mean the TMNT movie from 1990 sucked?

Posted by: DeistBrawler at July 20, 2009 8:02 PM

I don't think I ever watched the show, but my brother had the Voltron toy thing. I wanted it. Except for the small fact that we could never work out who piloted the thing when it was all together, because I think he lost one of the little plastic people, or maybe he never had it in the first place. If memory serves me correctly the whole thing had actually come from a goodwill shop anyway.

And eventually, the red dude's head fell off. Cheap plastic crap...

Posted by: redfeathers at July 20, 2009 9:14 PM

I've already gotten over the trauma of my childhood memory being constantly fucked in the ass. At this point I'm only going to be outraged if someonec does another Garbage Pail Kids movie.


P.S. I remember Voltron vividly. It's a Transformers, Go-Bots, Thundercats, She-Ra hybrid with a little bit of Mighty Morphing Power Rangers on the side. How can that be wrong???

Posted by: Candy at July 20, 2009 9:46 PM

You know the only remake I could countenance? Something I think could work really well with new technology and special effects? And not as a movie, but as a faithful honest-to-God update of the original TV show?

There was once a kid's game show called Knightmare. It pretty much consisted of one kid wearing a big helmet that obscured his vision except for what he could see by looking straight down. He would received shouted instructions from his three fellow team-dorks, as he traversed green-screen studios that, through the magic of dodgy eighties computer-generated effects and cunningly-placed extras, turned into lush forests teeming with goblin hunters, or forboding gothic castles with conveyer belts festooned with giant buzzsaw blades that the team-dorks had to guide their hapless friend around by shouting "Sidestep right! No, right! RIGHT!"

It was awesome, and I loved it. It should be remade, like, right away.

Okay, here's part one of a series of YouTube clips showing the first time a team ever completed a quest - check it out, and tell me that wouldn't rule if done today.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at July 20, 2009 10:04 PM

Voltron was THE SHIT. I loved that show back in the day. S much, in fact, that hubby & I scored some bootleg DVDs on eBay a few years ago and promptly sat down and had a Volton marathon.

You are a heartless, mean, mean man, Mr. Rowles. I am going to have to sic my giant, robotic Red Lion on you!

Posted by: AnnArrogance at July 20, 2009 10:11 PM

I have been waiting for this.

marya, um, I did the same thing. Except it wasn't just fantasies. I had the figurines and I made them act out erotic scenarios. Also, it wasn't one of the lion guys who got with the princess, it was the evil prince Lotor. He was blue. It wasn't exactly consensual. She secretly loved it and did not want to be rescued by the good guys. What does this say about my 3- to 4-year-old self?

Posted by: Not Goldie at July 20, 2009 11:14 PM


Hot cougars? Sensual milfs?
"Cougar Central"? "San Carlos" ? or "San Francisco"?
*** Agelover. c o m *** is the real place that is packed with them.

Posted by: maggielindia at July 21, 2009 2:15 AM

i know I´m way too late to the party, but.....

pajiba-staff. please start writing movie reviews again. stop it with the "oh look at this robot! it must have something to do with transformers. looks dumb!" and do some research. ´cause anyone who says they dont love Voltron is just plain lying!

Its all good with the lists and the comments and the top tens, but c´mon... enough already. half the time its just 5 movies listed with no explanation, thoughts, or opinions. and that just makes for a boring movie-site...

we all love pajiba for actually thinking about the movies we see and then writing something intelligent about them. please do this. you used to be so good at it! *sigh*

i need to quote my mother."Im not mad. just really disappointed"

Posted by: krifar at July 21, 2009 4:37 AM

Godtopus dammit all to hell, what about GoBots? When are the GoBots getting some Bruckheimer anal lovins?

Posted by: Captain Steve at July 21, 2009 1:30 PM

... Voltron is the personification of the human spirit...

I've been repeating that fragment in my mind over & over for the last few minutes, and now blood is starting to drip from my nose. Thanks for the aneurysm, Mr. Hollywood Producerman.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at July 21, 2009 8:03 PM





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