Viewmaster Movie

Gaze Into Insanity

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (58)

Brad Caleb Kane, one of the writers for TV’s excellent “Fringe,” is working on a new film to be based on the decades-old (and incredibly lame) View-Master toy. According to Dark Horizons, it’s “said to be in the vein of great 80’s family adventure films like “The Goonies” and “Young Sherlock Holmes.”

Yes, I said View-Master. Hand to God.

A movie. Based on a toy so crappy that even when I was eight, I thought it was fucking retarded. I believe Kane is also working on a follow-up film, a psychosexual thriller based on Pick-up Sticks.

I hate you all.

Fucking View-Master.

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Comments

oh, don't get so bunched up. you KNEW this day would come. we all saw it from a mile away.

Posted by: gp at July 6, 2009 10:21 AM

I'm working on an action/adventure based on the EasyBake oven. Damn I hope the opening weekends don't coincide.

Posted by: ahamos at July 6, 2009 10:21 AM

remember "the mangler", adrian? that's how i envision your easybake movie going down.

Posted by: gp at July 6, 2009 10:25 AM

When's the live-action (or more realistically, CGI) Cabbage Patch movie coming? It's only a matter of time.

Posted by: Snath at July 6, 2009 10:26 AM

i'll make sure to cast mr. kane as the token ghostbuster in my big screen adaptation of hungry, hungry hippos.

Posted by: celery at July 6, 2009 10:28 AM

There is absolutely nothing crappy about the View Master. Where's your sense of stereoscopic wonder??

Not that THIS is a good idea.

Now that I think of it, I'm a little surprised there hasn't been a View Master horror. You know, like "The Ring". At the back of Grandma's closet full of board games....there lurked a sleeping evil. Grandma would say the View Master was broken and she only had the pictures left, "I don't know why I haven't thrown those old things out!"...but there was something she wasn't telling me. I'd ask Mom and she'd look away and change the subject....

Of COURSE it's in 3-D.

Posted by: Jay at July 6, 2009 10:29 AM

If they can make a movie about a brave little toaster, why not a view master?

Posted by: dawn at July 6, 2009 10:33 AM

The Viewmaster was awesome and you know it.

Posted by: eddie at July 6, 2009 10:39 AM

In a world where sibling battles sibling for ultimate supremacy, planning and duplicity rule the day. Dueling intellects clash over a wall of sheer will and plastic. "Connect Four-The Movie"

"Pretty sneaky sis..."

Posted by: Mrcreosote at July 6, 2009 10:48 AM

I'm using what little energy I have today to pray fervently for a Wacky Wall Walker feature film. Watching a goo-covered Shia LaBeouf get flung repeatedly at walls would brighten anyone's day.

Posted by: Julie at July 6, 2009 10:50 AM

Tag, You're It: The Reckoning.

Coming soon, in Smell-O-Vision.

Posted by: Ian at July 6, 2009 10:51 AM

brain. melting.

Posted by: gem at July 6, 2009 10:54 AM

Julie, Then it would seem they need to reboot "The Blob" again.

So ... Viewmaster will be entirely in split screen, but everyone who wears the special glasses will see the two images as one. Of course, if they just made a movie with one image nobody would have to wear special glasses, but then Hwood wouldn't be able to charge you an extra $2.

Hwood wins. Yahtzee!

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 6, 2009 10:58 AM

The only reason this movie is being made is because the View-master was 3-D.

Coming soon to a themepark near you, VIEWMASTER: The Ride. Now in 3-D.

Posted by: BWeaves at July 6, 2009 10:59 AM

Just the other day I ran across Amanda's unfinished script for her horror epic "Bedazzled".

Posted by: ahamos at July 6, 2009 11:05 AM

The Last Dragon with Bruce LeeRoy had that dude, Sho-Nuff in it and he was a master. In fact, Sho-Nuff said it several times, "Now I am the Master!"

So, I can totally see the VIEWMASTER movie being tweaked to work in a fish-out-of-water karate kid, who travels to the big city to find true nirvana, only to discover that nirvana is the stuff of dreams and he settles for one night of cocaine, ecstacy and hookers while shouting into the night, "Why did you lie to me?!?"

$40 - $50 million opening weekend boxoffice. You heard it here first.

Posted by: malikvlc at July 6, 2009 11:09 AM

And that's when I discovered that I should always check to make sure I wasn't recycling the names of other craptastic movies when making weak jokes...

Posted by: ahamos at July 6, 2009 11:10 AM

Oh this is the perfect diversion, toys to movies. If we beat them to it, maybe they will stop this shit.

Spyro-graph (oops, Jumanji)
Operation (yep, Malice)
The Hand Crank Evel Kenevil Motorcycle (available)
Rock'em Sock'em Robots (Fight Club)
The men in the group will remember Super Toe (available, one could say The Replacements with Reeves as the quarterback). You pounded this plastic dude's head and he kicked a very hard football at a very flimsy goal post. Most of us aimed it at our siblings or pets.

I got it....2XL.

For all those too young to know of 2XL, he was the trivia robot with 8-track tapes. In this movie, the tapes majically predict the career deaths of Cage, Reeves, and Dane Cook. Their careers end in a Final Destination type ending but they get to live on to see their demise, sort of like Its A Wonderful Life.

Posted by: richmac at July 6, 2009 11:11 AM

I'm using what little energy I have today to pray fervently for a Wacky Wall Walker feature film. Watching a goo-covered Shia LaBeouf get flung repeatedly at walls would brighten anyone's day.

Oh Julie, a girl after my own heart! We watched Eagle Eye last night, and it made me sad. Then I went off on a tangent about how we're rapidly running out of action stars and now we're stuck with guys like Shia LaFuckingBeouf. Then my darling wife reminded me of Christian Bale, Johnny Depp, not too mention The Statham, and hope was rekindled.

And personally, I can't wait for the Light-Brite movie, that'll be sooooo trippy in 3-D at the IMAX!

Posted by: Xtreme at July 6, 2009 11:16 AM

Jenga- a potentially harrowing, but ultimately boring, drama about the delicate balance of inner city gentrification. Features improbable intersecting story lines and a toddler's understanding of race relations. Directed by Paul Haggis.

Posted by: jM at July 6, 2009 11:18 AM

Keep the hope alive Xtreme!

Posted by: Julie at July 6, 2009 11:22 AM

How can... there isn't...a Viewmaster isn't a plot. It's not even a premise. Are we to believe that it's now acceptable industry standard to sell an idea to a studio based on looking around one's apartment and picking something at random?

Because if so, Bowl of Old Easter Candy: The Movie! PLease make my check payable to my mom; I don't have my own bank account.

Posted by: Judith Preist at July 6, 2009 11:24 AM

You know what? You all are throwing around sarcasm and making diparaging remarks and, yes, you are correct in your criticism. But you shall all bow before the juggernaught premiering in the Summer of 2011.

Hungry-Hungry Hippos: The Pink One is Full

Mwahahahaha!

Posted by: admin at July 6, 2009 11:29 AM

Hungry Hungry Hippos has been on for a while now, I think, or at least that's what I thought the original title of The View was.

Posted by: annoyingmouse at July 6, 2009 11:36 AM

How the hell could I forget Ants in the Pants, Don't Break the Ice or Don't Tip the Waiter?

Posted by: richmac at July 6, 2009 11:40 AM

Anyone other than me remember the MANTA Force toys? I reckon there's a rich mythology to be mined there. A Minas Tirith-esque seige scene at the Battle Fortress? The Star Destroyer-like introduction of the Red Venom craft? Someone get Abrams on the phone!

Posted by: Dill The Devil at July 6, 2009 11:42 AM

I know admin, could we have Shia La-blowmefucker play one of the little white balls? I'd go see that opening weekend. Wait, better yet, a live action version of Whack-A-Mole, starring Shia LaBalllicker, Dane Cook and Nic Cage as the Moles, and The Statham as the guy with the hammer who says fuck it and brings out a flame thrower.

Posted by: Xtreme at July 6, 2009 11:42 AM

Robot Chicken did a trailer for Hungry Hungry Hippos,(it was a cop drama) and if I had any ambition I'd link to it.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at July 6, 2009 11:42 AM

Why ya gotta be hatin'?

Are we SURE this isn't some way Hollywood's just sneaking a feature-length 'Wonderfalls' movie under the radar? Mayhap THIS is what Bryan Fuller left 'Heroes' for!

Yeah, I know, I'm delusional. But the LAST thing this planet needs is ANOTHER family adventure movie.

Posted by: greg at July 6, 2009 11:53 AM

Oh Godtopus, how could I not mention Skittle Pool? It had a picture of the guy from Get Smart on the cover of the box. Again for the uninformed or young, it was sort of like pool, except you put the cue ball on a holder and you hit it with another ball suspended from a chain and you try to sink the objcet balls in the pockets. This could be like a Running Man type movie, the 'star' of your choice is placed in the cue ball or as one of the object balls, and in the pocket there are random ways to die. If the star is lucky enough they could be dropped into the safe pocket, that switches from shot-to-shot like the Secret Square from Hollywood Squares.

Posted by: richmac at July 6, 2009 11:57 AM

Finally, they are together on film. Two of your favorites, in a thriller so exciting, you'll be fried by the end.....

Twice-Baked

starring Mr. Potato Head
and
the Easy Bake Oven

Mr. PH, an easy-going stoner, witnesses his girlfriend, Sweet Potato, being attacked by the StayPuft Marshmallow Man (in a special cameo performance) during their holiday visit to Idaho. What he does NOT know is that Sweetie was working undercover for the French Secret Potato Police, who are attempting to finally rid the world of the use of the phrase "Freedom Fries." When Sweetie disappears under marshmallowy circumstances, our lovable stoner sets out to find her, all the while avoiding the wrath of Denise Austin, work-out guru, Head of the Freedom from Fries Alliance, and Spud-Bot, who wants to make an example of him by feeding him into her nefariously large Easy Bake Oven, and turning him into a healthy treat!

"I was mashed by the brilliance of the performances!" Rolling Spud magazine

"I'm steamed no one thought of this pairing sooner!" TV Chips

"I hate everything because I'm a grouchy old gay man....but I will eat this movie up!" Rex Reed

Posted by: dammitjanet at July 6, 2009 11:57 AM

They're hungry... FOR CRIME!

I think there should be a Coffee and Cigarettes-type set around a Fisher Price Laugh & Learn Learning Table.

There are cookies for counting, a pizza for shapes, and conversation... for the soul.

Posted by: SaBrina at July 6, 2009 11:58 AM

I hate everything because I'm a grouchy old gay man....but I will eat this movie up!" Rex Reed

HAH!

Posted by: SaBrina at July 6, 2009 12:02 PM

Dammitjanet, that was great, but you are getting pretty close to Sweet Home Alamaba.

Posted by: richmac at July 6, 2009 12:02 PM

I can see it now; "Lincoln Logs", starring John Travolta and Tim Allen, just so there can be a third movie with middle-aged, mid-1990s washouts ending in "-ogs".

Posted by: Badass Mother 4000 at July 6, 2009 12:04 PM

You people are KILLING me with the funny.

P.S. TK, the View-Master was an awesome toy. You're just still bitter about how your poor depth perception made you unable to experience the magic.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at July 6, 2009 12:06 PM

Don't screw with Lincoln Logs, I will take over the MurderTank myself if that happens.

Posted by: richmac at July 6, 2009 12:07 PM

I'm thinking a Battle Royale-style film where some random characters are sent to an island and each given a random number, then are given a weapon based on what number they've been assigned.

It's a battle to the death, with the last man or woman standing winning wealth and privilege for the rest of their lives, à la The Long Walk.

I can already see the tagline:

"Summer 2011...There can be only UNO!"

Posted by: Snath at July 6, 2009 12:44 PM

Snath: I just snorted cider out of my nose laughing at that. Not a particularly pleasant experience, but kudos for delivering such an expertly-timed payoff there.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at July 6, 2009 12:47 PM

THE MARBLES ARE PEOPLE! Xtreme. Of course it will be directed M. Night ShamWow!

Posted by: admin at July 6, 2009 12:49 PM

Which will inevitably lead us to ShamWow! The Movie.

After which shall come eternal darkness and unmeasurable suffering.

Posted by: TK at July 6, 2009 12:52 PM

Xtreme, that just reminded me of one of my favorite comics that I haven't read in a while.

Linked, for your pleasure.

Posted by: Snath at July 6, 2009 12:53 PM

You've GOT to be kidding me.

No, fuck you man, that shit ain't funny! stop it! you stop it right now!

Posted by: figgy at July 6, 2009 1:05 PM

The only way this movie is going to be any good is if they follow the proper method of using the View-Master.

Kid1 - "Hey man, look at this. It's awesome!"

Kid - "Oh cool, let me see."

*Kid2 holds View-Master to eyes*

*Kid1 winds up......THWACK!*

*Kid2 screams in pain and terror while trying to keep eyeballs in shattered eye sockets.*

Kid1 - "That's for stealing my GI-Joes asshole!"

Posted by: admin at July 6, 2009 1:26 PM

admin, the only thing better would be 5 years from now, M.Night ShamWow, McG-spot, Sam Sprayme and Michael Oh-my-fucking-God-is-that-a-robot-Bay caught on the set of Saw 13 but James Wan has totally fucking lost it by now and brought in real weapons for Jigsaw, who will be played by Tom Cruise, ‘cuz we all know that he’s already fucking lost it now, imagine him in 5 years after Katie Holms has escaped with the kid and the aliens still won’t come and get him, even though he’s wrapped his genitals in tinfoil just like the manual said? He would cut them mutherfuckers up yo! Shit, I kinda forgot where I was going with that.

And snath, that shit’s hilarious, they should make that the standard form of punishment for pedophiles. Could probably get away with it in Texas.

Posted by: Xtreme at July 6, 2009 1:53 PM

Now, I saw the ViewMaster and instantly though about John Saul's Blackstone Chronicles and got all excited at the prospect. But alas, Hollywood lets me down again.

Posted by: Schmiki at July 6, 2009 2:29 PM

Just the other day I ran across Amanda's unfinished script for her horror epic "Bedazzled".

You NEED to copyright that before Hollywood steals it. Fuckers are everywhere.

Posted by: figgy at July 6, 2009 2:36 PM

If this is like the Indian in the Cupboard it could be pretty epic.

"Oh hey, a viewmaster, how retro! And a dinosaur slideshow? Rockin'! Now let me just look in here... AHHH GOD DINOSAURS ARE EATING MY EYES"

Posted by: Braski at July 6, 2009 2:45 PM

Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously? Yeah, I thought the viewmaster was pretty cool, but I was also about five years old. There is no excuse for this. None.

Posted by: Jeni at July 6, 2009 3:23 PM

I think now's a good time to discuss my coming of age gay dramedy about Shrinky Dinks.
Eep, I don't even want to touch that one. It'd be like Beautiful Thing meets...well, Shrinky Dinks!

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at July 6, 2009 5:03 PM

I would TOTALLY WATCH THIS - if the Viewmaster disks showed scene after scene of stupid movie producers getting dismembered, killed, and stabbed in the face. Stabbed in the face with PRAWNS. Then, when one of said producers holds the Viewmaster to his face & advances the little lever, a razor blade slices off a layer of his cornea. BUT HE KEEPS GOING . . . because he wants to find out the rest of the story. Slice, slice, slice. THE END.

Seriously, forget scraping the bottom of the barrel . . . these chum-huffing yahoos are face-down inside the damn thing, licking the residue left behind by the previous scrapings. Once they've run out of toys & cartoons from the 80's, any object/thing will be developed into a plot. I can't wait for "Spandex!" the movie.

That being said, I still have my Viewmaster & a rockin' set of RainbowBrite disks.

Posted by: Lauren at July 6, 2009 5:50 PM

I thought the View-master was cool. I even had the deluxe version which had a battery operated light built in so I didn't have to hold the set up to the available light. Of course, the light switch broke, and I had to go back to my non-lighted unit.

Posted by: rlr260 at July 6, 2009 6:21 PM

I want a movie about Weebles. I'm just sayin.

Posted by: neurotica at July 6, 2009 6:57 PM

richmac, Hah! I had Skittle Bowling! I win!

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 6, 2009 8:41 PM

View Master? Seriously?
What's next? Rubik's Cube - The Musical?

Mother, get the gun.

Posted by: Odnon at July 6, 2009 11:46 PM

mmm, prawny stabbing.

Posted by: igor at July 7, 2009 5:12 AM

Never mind the View-Master, they need to make a film about the Etch-a-Sketch!
There's no chance of Michael Bay stealing the idea, he'd just think it was a laptop.

Posted by: Tarn at July 7, 2009 8:15 AM

I'm almost ashamed to say it, but I'm filled with an eerie kind of nostalgia when reading this article. Thinking about the Viewmaster transports me to another world, a world of flat landscapes and poorly rendered dinosaurs...

Are they just going to base movies off of everything from my child? What next? A movie version of Gak? Or Crash Test Dummies? Or my Dad getting drunk and hitting my mother while I cower in the corner?

Posted by: Daniel Hall at July 8, 2009 1:06 AM

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