Pajiba

So now I'm really, really old, because the only person I recognized is Halle Berry.

What, no horseheads?

One last thing, a palette cleanser if you will. A little video featuring Kerry Washington talking about James Baldwin with Nina Simone playing in the background: http://www.vanityfair.com/vide...

So the Furries have finally taken over Hollywood?

Nazi Furries! Criminy!

So much creepy all muddled up in there.

They hadn't before?

Wait, I just had a thought. This Hollwood Issue is like that movie Movie 43. A bunch of celebrities show up to a nonsensical photoshoot and a $1 million paycheck. The end.

Wait, what?! The girl dancing with Eddie Redmayne isn't Rory Gilmore? Who the hell is Bella Heathcote?

She was in the Burton remake of Dark Shadows and pretty much nothing else. I'm not really sure why she's in this VF.

I used to love and look forward to the Vanity Fair Hollywood issues.
Now they're just pathetic. I mean come on, putting a 22 year old in bed with a couple of middle aged men on the cover, Gross.
And don't even get me started on Jonah fucking Hill. Just looking at that picture of him with those chicks made me throw up in my mouth a little.

That Halle Berry photo is terrible in so many ways.

As is the Jonah Hill one, in completely different ways.

How much cooler would that Seth Rogen shot have been if it was Olivia Wilde or Emma Stone in that outfit, in that pose, in that location?

What Seth Rogen shot? Do you mean the Armie Hammer one?

Hahahaha. Yes. Apparently Armie Hammer looks like skinny Rogen to me. I have so much faith in Photoshop.

I can't begin to understand the decisions Vanity Fair made with this issue. Halle Berry gets a profile even though she hasn't done anything relevant in years (yes, Cloud Atlas, but no one cares)? Jonah Hill, who was nominated for an Oscar last year gets featured when the only thing he was in this year was 21 Jump Street? Olivia Wilde's only role this year was a small part in a movie no one cared about, but she gets a spot on the cover?

And once again the main cover is three white people. I know Emma Stone is beloved around here, but it's not like she was the big story this year -- Spider-Man did fine but was dwarfed by bigger action hits, and Gangster Squad bombed. I'd say Anne Hathaway had far and away the best year for actresses, but since that's obviously not the guiding criteria for inclusion why not choose someone who, unlike Stone, hasn't been the subject of forty VF profiles already? Kerry Washington is having a moment right now, she would have been a much better pick for the actual cover instead of relegating her to the fold out. Or stick Quvenzhané Wallis on there -- she's one of the youngest Oscar nominees ever and hasn't gotten a ton of press yet. And bonus: maybe the animal suits would have made more sense if they looked like they were being used to amuse a kid instead of to play out some weird furry sex thing with Stone

I guess I should be thankful Emma Stone got to keep all her clothes on, at least. Which looks like more of an accomplishment than it should, since it's juxtaposed with mostly-naked Olivia Wilde, Halle Berry groping herself, and Jonah Hill covered in anonymous ladies. Ugh.

It's a goddamn conspiracy. VF gets flack EVERY year for this. Sad to see how irrelevant (or sell out) they are. Actually, this just reminds me of that recent Rolling Stone cover with all the "hip" comedians we have nowadays and they feature Jerry Seinfeld and Jim Carrey. This is NOT 1998. Get the net.

I'm also confused as to why Armie Hammer is always on these lists. He hasn't been in anything very successful since The Social Network, right?

And before someone says that they *just happened* to put white people on the main cover, they do this every year: http://jezebel.com/5880848/van...

I'm pretty sure that's VF's 'thing' now: No coloreds on the cover of the Hollywood Issue. Oh and yeah, Kerry WOULD have been a primo choice (hello Scandal awesomeness) but she does have all that troublesome pigment in her skin, so no.

She's also over the age of 35 (Sidenote: How the hell is Kerry Washington 35? She has not aged at all since Save the Last Dance. Additional sidenote: How amazing is it that she is the sister from Save the Last Dance?), which would ruin a cover that currently features a 22 year old woman squeezed onto a bed with men who are 40 and 38.

And that in a year when of the ten women nominated for Actress/Supporting Actress at the Oscars, only three are under the age of 35 -- and one of those is over 30, and one is a kid. Which is kind of a nice surprise, actually.

I am pretty sure Kerry is a vampire.

I love Emma Stone. I love her. But is she actively trying to make herself look as unattractive as possible these days? FAIR-SKINNED REDHEADS OF HOLLYWOOD: STOP GOING THE TRASHY BLEACHED BLONDE ROUTE. Also, eat a sandwich. Emma really needs to eat a sandwich. Have we not learned this from Lindsey Lohan yet?

Emma Stone is a blonde, as are many of the fair-skinned redheads of Hollywood. They are easily able to pull off the redhead look BECAUSE they are fair-skinned and blonde (see: Christina Hendricks)

And Jane Levy. True redheads are pretty rare in Hollywood.

But at least we have Miss Chastain.

Halle Berry there, overestimating the size of her tits.

I thought the photographer just asked her to show how large they were during her pregnancy.

Halle Berry: "Did you know that I have breasts? Big, luscious, chocolatey breasts?"

Yeah, I'm pretty sure she doesn't need to show us where they are.

I LOVE that as the years go on, she seems less and less able to reign in the cray.

-fish?

You know, like if Jay-Z had a sister her name would be Cray?

This looks really...stupid.