Valkyrie Trailer

CrazyPants Cruise Rocks the Eye Patch

Withholding Judgment / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 26, 2008 | Comments (45)

The Tom Cruise war thriller, Valkyrie, has had a troubled production; its release date had been pushed back into a release-date graveyard next year, before being yanked back into Oscar contention this year. Depending on who or when you ask, the test screenings for Valkyrie have been bleak or exceptional (to borrow a word from Palin). Much of the concern, apparently, had been about Tom Cruise’s lousy German accent. But let’s remember: Cruise or no Cruise, Bryan Singer directed this, and Superman Returns notwithstanding, he has a pretty decent track record. And bathshit or not, Tom Cruise has been known to make a decent movie now and again. My biggest concern is the fact that’s it’s a PG-13 thriller, and that a film about a plot to kill Hitler is being released the day after Christmas. Ho ho ho!

Nevertheless, I’m going to withhold judgment on Valkyrie until I see it, in large part because — honestly — the trailer doesn’t look that bad, probably because Cruise doesn’t do a lot of speaking in it. And on that question: Why affect a German accent at all? If you’re not speaking German, then it’s not authentic anyway. So, screw the goddamn accent.

Whatevs. Here’s the trailer:

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Comments

Bathshit? Does ol' crazy have a problem in the tub too? Koapectate can work wonders, Tom!

Posted by: Ed Newman at September 26, 2008 2:18 PM

I didn't even hear a trace of a German accent. Is Cruise even trying? I'm confused.

Posted by: lizzieborden at September 26, 2008 2:26 PM

Word. I think Cruise studied at the Costner School of Accents and Dialects.

Posted by: Mella at September 26, 2008 2:31 PM

The trailer is kind of blah.

Posted by: Cindy at September 26, 2008 2:36 PM

Hey, I kind of liked Superman Returns!

...

crickets

...

Oh, so it's like that, is it? Well, screw you guys.

Posted by: TK at September 26, 2008 2:38 PM

Meh, it never made sense to me when actors affected an accent when speaking English. Like we'll be tricked into thinking they're really speaking some kind of German we can magically understand if ze tahlk lik dis. I knoe zat Cruize iz not Gjerman, aend no baad acksent vill make me zhink uddervise.

It's the one thing I've always liked about Heroes. Through all the crappy and convoluted plots, Japanese people speak Japanese and the South American characters spoke Spanish and if you can't follow, you get the subtitles.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at September 26, 2008 2:39 PM

Actually, I kind of liked Superman Returns as well.

Posted by: Alice at September 26, 2008 2:40 PM

I'm not the only one! I'm not the only one!

I kind of liked Superman Returns too. Kind of, mind you. Largely because it was a surprise double feature (read: free) at the drive-in when I went to see Nacho Libre. (Actually, I went to see a Pirates... movie, which was sold out, so we wound up seeing these 2 instead.)

Am I the only one who almost had a seizure from this trailer? Anyway, I've never had much interest in war movies, and I think I agree with Dustin about a Holiday Hitler movie. Yikes. Other hand, it looks like it could be good.

Also, did I see Heroes' own HRG in that trailer?

Posted by: "Sybil" "Knife Pile" von Beaverplatz at September 26, 2008 3:03 PM

Is it just me, or is the editing kind of... off? It looks more like a spoof trailer. Maybe this is what "The Producers" would look like as a war drama.

Posted by: Sofía at September 26, 2008 3:04 PM

Word. I think Cruise studied at the Costner School of Accents and Dialects.

I hear Slipping In and Out of Southern Accents 101 is co-taught by James Van Der Beek and Keanu Reeves.

So you guys hated the Russians accents in Hunt for Red October?

Posted by: branded at September 26, 2008 3:04 PM

It doesn't look that bad, actually. Of course that could just be the trailer. I don't hear any semblance of a German accent from Tom Cruise, thank god.

I also hate it when people speak English with an accent from whatever country. We KNOW you're American. Just speak with your regular accent if you are going to speak English. Otherwise, speak the language of the country you're in.

Posted by: NotBlonde at September 26, 2008 3:11 PM

Hey, I kind of liked Superman Returns!

...

crickets

-----------------------------

*Owls hooting*

*monkeys howling*

*goats bleeting*

Eh, yeah, I heard some guy from Dubuque liked it too..

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 26, 2008 3:12 PM

Normally I'm not a fan of withholding anything- money, love, affection, beer- but I am with you on this. Although I think we could do with a LOT less WWII and Vietnam war movies. Move on people! There are place in Africa and Asia you haven't even visited upon. Oh right we weren't there.

-Rot Pipeline Palin

Posted by: amanda47 at September 26, 2008 3:14 PM

Dude. I liked Superman Returns. But I did hate Kate Bosworth's wig. And the fact that she would have to have been like ten when she gave birth. And like sixteen when she won the Pulitzer.

Posted by: Mella at September 26, 2008 3:17 PM

Cruise would have impressed me even more if he would have had the balls to play a Nazi sympathizer like Goebbels, or Hermann Goring. I guess playing a bad guy would have interfered with his Scientology hustle?

Posted by: Pookie at September 26, 2008 3:52 PM

So VALKYRIE is the sequel to TROPIC THUNDER? So soon? Awesome!

Posted by: SpiceLux at September 26, 2008 3:54 PM

Terence Stamp is in it. That might be just enough reason to DVD it.

Screw Hitler, kneel before ZOD!

Posted by: Recondite at September 26, 2008 3:58 PM

Branagh, Nighy, Stamp and Wilkinson are in it. It can't be shite!

Posted by: Ginger at September 26, 2008 4:07 PM

The only acceptable german accent in English was from the original Young Frankenstein. Awesome

Posted by: jlbmail11@aol.com at September 26, 2008 4:31 PM

Oh, "Superman Returns" bashing happens at least a couple times a month here (not that it's an isolated outpost of such cynical killjoy thought). Kate's wig did look a little wispy, but at least the rest of her was in better shape than she was by the time of the premiere.

Egad.

If you're not speaking German, then it's not authentic anyway. So, screw the goddamn accent.

It does seem odd if you stop to think about it. Happens in comics too, as you've gotta get the nationality across somehow. Probably a bit unwinnable since there'd be complaints of American and English accents. "Red October" sure had to do some contortions, especially when they got to the end, but I think the conceit held up pretty well.

Daleks speak German when in Germany though. I give them all due credit.

Posted by: Jay at September 26, 2008 4:56 PM

I know there are a lot of bad movie accents out there (one could fill volumes), but one of my faves is Drew Barrymore's crappy British accent when she played a French Cinderella in Ever After.

I am inclined to believe that she felt a French accent is harder to fake, but I wonder if she realized how bad her British is.

Posted by: Mella at September 26, 2008 5:00 PM

I couldn't even hear the accent?

Posted by: eliza at September 26, 2008 5:20 PM

Worst fake accents:

Sean Connery - Red October
Winona Ryder - Dracula
Keanu Reeves - Dracula
Russell Crowe - Gladiator (I just don't get the faux Brit accent when playing a Spanish character.)
Kevin Costner - Robin Hood
Christina Ricci - Sleepy Hollow

Posted by: MonkeyHateClean at September 26, 2008 5:57 PM

Hey and didn't Van Der Beek mutilate a non-identifiable southern accent in Varsity Blues

"I doun't whAint y0ur loife..."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that movie rocks.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 26, 2008 6:05 PM

I'm... underwhelmed. Too bad, because it's a fascinating story that deserves a good movie.

Posted by: louveciennes at September 26, 2008 6:08 PM

So you guys hated the Russians accents in Hunt for Red October?

WHAT Russian accents?

Russell Crowe - Gladiator (I just don't get the faux Brit accent when playing a Spanish character.)

Parker and Stone said it best:

"Oi'm a Spayn-yaad, boi crackie!"

Posted by: Jerce at September 26, 2008 6:55 PM

I know there are a lot of bad movie accents out there (one could fill volumes), but one of my faves is Drew Barrymore's crappy British accent when she played a French Cinderella in Ever After.

Ha! Mella, I think it was tough for her because she has a hard enough time speaking English with no accent at all. Seriously, watch Charlie's Angels again.

"And that's kicking your aaath."

Posted by: jM at September 26, 2008 7:03 PM

"I doun't whAint y0ur loife..."

That line is such a unique little jewel. I've worked on phoneticizing it for years. You could call it a quest. I probably just need to ask my audiologist friends.

Posted by: Jay at September 26, 2008 7:10 PM

Speaking of accents, it kills me that Hiro and Ando don't have crazy Asian accents in real life. I was totally expecting Hiro to start shouting like the crazy Chinese woman I work with but he was just talking like a normal person. Which I guess is good. But at the same time, sad...

"I doun't whAint y0ur loife..."
That has to be the closest I've seen to spelling that phonetically.
Another one that gets me (that will surely catch me some flack around here...),
"My sistar Verronnica and I had this double aact."

...I like Superman Returns as well. Meemeecicoo was Jimmy! Woohoo!!

Posted by: Kash at September 27, 2008 12:13 AM

Worst fake accents:

You forgot Brad Pitt in The Devil's Own. Worst "Irish" "brogue" ever.

Posted by: Sybil "Knife Pile" von Beaverplatz at September 27, 2008 12:53 AM

Whatever the hell Cate Blanchett was going for in The Life Aquatic. I just wanted to slap her.
Kate Winslett in Titanic. Again, slap.

Posted by: Loob at September 27, 2008 4:02 AM

All the Russians in Red October were actually speaking Russian, we were just hearing it in English because we're uneducated western capitalists. Right at the start of the movie they were speaking Russian with subtitles, and then the sound kind of morphed into English and then stayed that way. That is, until Alec Baldwin started speaking Russian at the end and Sean Connery spoke English, I don't know what went on there.

Posted by: James at September 27, 2008 4:58 AM

They didn't do another visual transition, like with the zampolit reading the Bible verse, but with the "it's wise to study the ways of one's adversary" line it's understood that now that the Dallas and Red October are together we're back in reality and Ryan's the only American who knows any Russian and a few of the Soviets know English.

(almost avoids mentioning again how annoying Jones redundantly explaining the sub jargon is)

Posted by: Jay at September 27, 2008 5:10 AM

Wow, using accents and incorrect English pronounciation to portray other languages is annoying the hell out of me. It's the reason I HATE "Chocolat" - where everyone speaks in silly accents when they are all French in France. AAAARGH! It's just so DUMB!

Posted by: N. Wood at September 27, 2008 9:17 AM

I've always loved the practice of translating every word automatically into English EXCEPT for words you'd learn on your first day of said class. Even if there's some sort of "magic translator" the Spanish still say muchos gracias And the Germans drop some Mein Gott!

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 27, 2008 10:45 AM

I don't get why he would try to speak with a German accent in the first place. It's not like a German would run around speaking English with a German accent to communicate with other Germans.

So the authenticity gained by faking a German accent is 0 or maybe -20.
If he is actually faking a German accent, what I heard in the trailer sounded like some kind of weird accent, but not really German.

Posted by: lastdaylight at September 27, 2008 2:43 PM

Re: Heroes accents, I lost all faith in the show during the Cork episodes. The ridiculous names and bar didn't help, but the accents were the kicker. Still love the show though.

Have to say on the "why do the actors fake accents" question, Alexander was panned in Ireland for...well, for a whole bunch of reasons, but one of the ones that was most harped-on about was the fact that all the leads used their own accents, and the idea of Macedonian tribes having random Irish and English accents didn't sit well with people. Not sure if it got the same reaction in the US or not, but that could be it - people have become so used to seeing poorly done accents or a general "Fake British" accent to denote "Foreigner!" that they can't accept any substitutes, even if they're equally logical.

Posted by: Shay at September 27, 2008 5:10 PM

how about everyone in Van Helsing? The accents kept me entertained for the entire movie.

Posted by: dene chen at September 27, 2008 11:14 PM

Yes. Since when is it important to be accurate with accents in Hollywood?
Cubans are italians; italians are latins; italians are greeks. Hollywood doesn't give a crap about accuracy.

Anyway, what i really wanted to say it's that nobody thought it was a good idea to release SCREAM on christmas... but it turned out to be a huge hit.

FUCK! I feel like shit defending anything done by oprah's couch cruise

Posted by: Mario at September 28, 2008 11:56 PM

"You forgot Brad Pitt in The Devil's Own. Worst "Irish" "brogue" ever."

Second-worst - I think Boreanaz still holds the trophy, for Angel. Rolling the occasional 'r' does not a Dubliner make! I wanted to pin his eyes open a la Clockwork Orange and make him watch The Commitments on an endless loop, for punishment.
Though, Brad did have to maintain the crappiness for a whole movie, not just the occasional flashback. So if we're judging on quantity, I guess he comes out ahead. Oh, and he added incoherence to the mix in Slash, so I have to give him marks for persistence.

I actually liked the way they handled it in 'Red October, though I don't know why they bothered, what with Connery and all. He'll sound the same no matter what, so there goes any credibility!

Posted by: Tarn at September 29, 2008 7:38 AM

I think Boreanaz still holds the trophy, for Angel.

Yeah, you might have me there, Tarn. Oof. That was pretty damn terrible. I think I did give it a pass in my mind because of the infrequency of it.

he added incoherence to the mix in Slash

Are you referring to his crazy "gypsy" accent in Snatch? See, that was his best accent, I thought. Of course, I also laughed about thinking that, because who in this country actually knows what his accent was supposed to sound like? Not I. It did crack me up, though.

Posted by: Anna "Knife Pile" von Beaverplatz at September 29, 2008 10:33 AM

Dude, PIKEY.

Also that movie looks great. I wonder if they get Hitler?

Posted by: AmbroseKalifornia at September 29, 2008 12:03 PM

Hey there, MonkeyHateClean.

You forgot Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise in "Far and Away". The worst oh-begorrah-blarney-stone-potato-shamrock bulltwang leprechaun impresonations ever commited to celluloid. If I perforated my eardrums it would hurt less than listening to them dribble green Guiness.

Posted by: YeahButNoBut at September 29, 2008 9:05 PM

Knife Pile,
yes, I meant 'Snatch'. God, I even looked up the title because I was unsure, and then I still typed the wrong one! Clearly I suck at brain usage.
That may have been a totally authentic tinker (Irish gypsy/pikey) accent, for all I know. But the film should have come with subtitles. I seriously had no clue what the fuck Pitt was saying - and I'm half Irish! I just had to take it on faith and enjoy ths shot of him in his underpants. Sure, they were garish, but he filled them nicely....

Posted by: Tarn at September 30, 2008 6:17 AM

He looks like Nick Fury.

Posted by: Lucas at October 1, 2008 6:28 PM

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