Underworld 4 Movie News

Who's Ready For More Vamp/Werewolf Dullness?

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (25)

Screen Gems, never to back down from beating a dead horse deader, is apparently moving forward with yet another entry in the Underworld series. The films, based on a premise involving a centuries-old conflict between vampires and “lycans” (aka — werewolves. Just call them fucking werewolves, OK?), originally starred the sexily wooden Kate Beckinsale as Selene the vampire hitwoman (excuse me — Death Dealer), and the equally sexy, but slightly more wooden Scott Speedman as some sort of goofy-assed vampire/werewolf… excuse me… vampire/lycan (oh, fuck me) hybrid. The two fall in love and shoot a bunch of shit. Bill NIghy provides the only bright spot outside of Beckinsale’s vinyl-clad rump’n’cans. The first one was mildly tolerable. The second was shitballs retarded.

Then, the unasked-for third entry, Underworld:Rise of the Lycans, starring Rhona Mitra and… fuck, I don’t know, some other stupid dude with abs, came and went but made a surprising amount of money — $91 million, almost three times its budget — and producers know a gravy train when they see it. Bill NIghy dined on scenery once more.

So we’re getting a fourth. Tentatively slated for January of 2011 (when all the really good movies come out), no details have been released regarding cast, plot or setting. However, my sources* tell me that it will likely involve a hot vampire and a hot werewolf who fall love and shoot a bunch more shit. It might be in the future, so they’ll shoot lasers or supernatural bullet-type things, or it might take place in the past, in which case they’ll shoot wholly impractical crossbows from horseback. There will be some amount of Romeo And Juliet bullshit. There might be boobs. Lots of blood. And no fucking point. There will be a big bad guy, and Bill Nighy, the British Christopher Walken, will likely be there to chew scenery and make it somewhat bearable. It will be shot entirely in blue.

My main gripe with the Underworld franchise is that the concept is so goddamn cool, yet they’ve consistently aimed and shot for mediocrity. And sometimes the dumb bastards even missed that.

Lycans. Oh, go screw.

*note: my source is actually just a bottle of Bushmills.

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To quote Bill Nighy in another scene-chewy role,

Oh! Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!

Posted by: dammitjanet at August 11, 2009 10:05 AM

OK, I gotta say it: The chick in the "Best Free Web Game Play" ad up there has impressive cleavage and a man's face. Am I the only one who looks at her and thinks ACK! ?

Well, am I?

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 11, 2009 10:18 AM

Since it's where ever other series/franchise seems to be going:

Underworld 4: ~~Werewolves~~ Lycans in Spaaaaaaaaaaace.

Posted by: branded at August 11, 2009 10:19 AM

OK, I gotta say it: The chick in the "Best Free Web Game Play" ad up there has impressive cleavage and a man's face. Am I the only one who looks at her and thinks ACK! ?
Well, am I?
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 11, 2009 10:18 AM

I am convinced that she is the love child of Jessica Simpson and Martin Short, sir.
C'mon, look closely and tell me I'm right.

Posted by: Spender at August 11, 2009 10:24 AM

Man, you people are getting way different ads than I'm getting.

I'm getting ads for "The Sock Keeper." A young boy discovers the surprising and noble reason why his socks keep on vanishing. I did not make that up.

Posted by: BWeaves at August 11, 2009 10:29 AM

fuck, I don’t know, some other stupid dude with abs

You take that back! That "stupid dude with abs" is Michael Sheen. He's been in a bunch of things way better than that movie. Things he was unfortunately shirted in. So if every once and a while, he feels like slumming with no shirt on and being sweaty and glisteny and shirtless (albeit pale but, you know, sans shirt), I say he's earned it.

Posted by: jM at August 11, 2009 10:40 AM

ready for this dullness? sigh, we'll never escape this pedo...

Sony Pictures Entertainment received court approval to bring Michael Jackson to the big screen, and it set a release date on what just may be the toughest weekend of the year at the U.S. box office. The court's authorization, announced Monday in Probate Court by Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge Mitchell Beckloff, allows them to edit more than 80 hours of rehearsal and behind-the-scenes footage into a movie. Although several studios expressed interest, Sony emerged the winner by agreeing to pay Jackson's estate and AEG Live at least $60 million for the film rights..

Posted by: gem at August 11, 2009 10:45 AM

Underworld 4? There wasn't enough of a coherent plot for Underworld 1, let alone 4 of the damn things. The Underworld movies have become so moronic, they make Van Helsing look not like suck incarnate.

Posted by: George at August 11, 2009 11:11 AM

I thought you couldn't get more generic than Scott Bakula and along came Scott Speedman. I swear that instead of pictures on their driver licenses there's just pics of some beige wood paneling.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 11, 2009 11:42 AM

I'd rather watch 'Underpants 4: Rise of the Y-Fronts'. Man, them Lycans can Can-Can!

Posted by: Odnon at August 11, 2009 12:11 PM

Why?

Posted by: Brian at August 11, 2009 12:12 PM

I am convinced that she is the love child of Jessica Simpson and Martin Short, sir.
C'mon, look closely and tell me I'm right.

Posted by: Spender at August 11, 2009 10:24 AM
---
*imagines Simpson's rack and Short's fa...*

HOLY SHIT! I think you're on to something there. It looks a lot like this:

www.freakingnews.com/Keeley-Hazell-Martin-Short-Pictures-43109.asp

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 11, 2009 1:06 PM

Gasp, did you just refer to Michael Motherfucking Sheen as a stupid dude with abs. Blasphemy! I'm grabbing my pitchfork. I'll meet the rest of you with your torches lit.

Posted by: Annie UhOh at August 11, 2009 1:08 PM

This almost makes me wish I didn't have the ads turned off. No...it doesn't.

Back to the topic: I finally watched the 3 Underworld films and I guess, in a way, I asked for them. I've watched many shitty Sci-Fi channel movies and wondered what it would be like if they could replace their shitty actors, scripts, and effects with merely passable ones. You know, go for the gold!

*I know it's now SyFy, but that sounds like a vibrator/stereo system.

Posted by: laredo at August 11, 2009 1:35 PM

I was going to bash you for dissing Michael Sheen too, but they're beating me to it.

"Pussy Liquor" by Rob Zombie is playing on my Pandora right now...

Posted by: Deistbrawler at August 11, 2009 1:36 PM

Michael Sheen is not some stupid dude with abs!!! Those are Shakespearean-trained abs, abs that I'd be very very happy to see in another half-naked leather clad Underworld film.

Posted by: Ginger at August 11, 2009 2:43 PM

Hey, TK remember that funny time last Friday when I threatened to go all stabby on your face?

Well, consider the threat reinstated for that Michael Sheen crack.

Posted by: lizzieborden at August 11, 2009 2:59 PM

Damn straight.

Dissin' Michael Sheen? That's a slow, painful skinnin'.

Posted by: Shadowen at August 11, 2009 3:31 PM

Yes, plus he's the new villain in the Twilight Movies. So there.

Posted by: laredo at August 11, 2009 5:23 PM

There's a close-up of Michael Sheen's naked ass in Wilde. I swear that was the moment I became a fan.

(It was kinda awkward that he was making out with Stephen Fry though. Oh well.)

Posted by: Linda at August 11, 2009 6:26 PM

Oh, Sheen's perfect posterior in Wilde was worth the price of admission. The fact that he was seducing Stephen Fry just made it better for me.

He's also got a role in Tron Legacy, which looks to be pretty amazing. Just add Sheen hotness and stir.

Posted by: Ginger at August 11, 2009 7:50 PM

SHEEEEEEEEEN!!

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2009 11:22 PM

True Story: the second Underworld movie was so boring that both my date and I fell asleep watching it while he was attempting to get handsy with my nether regions.

Posted by: TryScience at August 12, 2009 4:14 PM

wow please stfu.

Posted by: Jme at August 13, 2009 8:14 PM

underworld 4???really??? they need to make like underworld 1/2 ya know like make blood enemy into one

Posted by: Mel at September 28, 2009 10:45 PM

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Who's Ready For More Vamp/Werewolf Dullness?

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