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You Know, Twilight Could Really Be Worse

Twilight + PETA = Nude Werewolves? / Steven Lloyd Wilson

Trade News | November 10, 2009 | Comments (43)

This really isn’t trade news unless one counts anything related to Twilight as trade news … okay no one’s biting … there’s nudity involved …

Oh! Hello everyone! Twilight star (note: very loose definition of star) Christian Serratos (you don’t know her? Me neither! We should start a club!), has posed in an essentially PG-13 set of nude shots for PETA (i.e. some PR guy thinks that her butt is so awesome that it will keep college guys from going to In-N-Out). I’m not sure of our policy on showing buttocks (other than mine of course), so I’ll leave your jollies in the reliable hands of google.

In other deeply irrelevant news, the Twitter account “shit my dad says” has been picked up for a pilot on CBS. Yeah, of course it has. I’m hoping that “gurgles from my mom’s vagina” gets picked up as a midseason replacement, but it has stiff competition from Billy Mays (RIP) and the blissful static of blank air.


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Comments

*throws out ground beef in freezer*

Hmmm.

*gets rid of eggs, just in case*

Now she'll have sex with me.

Posted by: Kballs at November 10, 2009 9:04 AM

An ass fine enough to make me give up meat would have to be better than bacon. While such an ass could exist in theory, and quantum physicists at the Hadron Collider are reportedly close to creating such an ass at the molecular level, science has yet to uncover such an ass in practice. Moreover, the world is full of women with incredible asses who share my love of bacon. Many of them frequent this very website. Thus, though Ms. Serratos does indeed possess a fine hinder, she does not cross the Bacon Horizon and so I cannot accept her basic premise of her hypothesis.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 10, 2009 9:24 AM

Anyone else think that this ad suffers from photoshopitis?

Posted by: Scully at November 10, 2009 9:31 AM

It very well may, Scully. But my eyes keep sliding off it to the nekkid Paul Rudd pic top-right, so I can't be sure....

"Shit my dad says" is pretty funny, but this news makes me deeply suspicious of it's provenance. Anybody else now suspect it's an out-of-work screenwriter?

Posted by: Tarn at November 10, 2009 9:35 AM

I was a vegetarian for five years. Then, one day, I wanted steak. I ate a steak. At this moment I am currently cooking steak.

Obnoxiously Pointless Comments are brought to you by TSF & Friends of The Asinine in association with IMDB Message Boards.

Posted by: TSF at November 10, 2009 9:41 AM

Well, not to brag, but the script based on my Twitter account "Shit my panda says" has been optioned for a movie deal. As you can imagine, it's an erotic thriller.

Posted by: jM at November 10, 2009 10:18 AM

I've got no problem with being a vegetarian, or even vegan, for religious or health reasons, but there's nothing on Earth more tedious, masturbatory, annoying, and ridiculous than moral vegetarians like PETA and Sea Shepherd. They make me want to eat veal while hunting, and then stop by the record store to buy Ted Nugent albums.

Why are so many hot girls so gullible for this bullshit?

Posted by: George at November 10, 2009 10:21 AM

Her ass can't possibly be any better than the one I saw yesterday in of all places Walmart. The girl knew it, too, as she had on a short short clingy stretchy gray ... it was really a little too short to be a dress, let's call it a long shirt. I couldn't believe it, so I had to follow her around for several aisles, pretending I was interested in coffeemakers and greeting cards and crap, to confirm that glaucoma wasn't playing delightful yet cruel tricks on me.

No. It was amazing. So amazing I couldn't tell you if she had a great rack or a pretty face too, though I think she did.

It is what I will forever imagine Lwa'e's ass looks like, unless presented with evidence to the contrary.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at November 10, 2009 10:25 AM

As you can imagine, it's an erotic thriller.

jM, sweetie, just because you put a rose on the table next to the ceiling harness, it doesn't mean your "movie" is now an erotic thriller.

Posted by: Vermillion at November 10, 2009 10:31 AM

Real or not, she looks exactly like Barbie.

Barf.

Chicken tonight, beef tomorrow.

Posted by: Jay at November 10, 2009 10:39 AM

What sort of shit does your panda say, jM? Stuff like "Not struggling makes the rape end faster" and "No one can tell you've taken one to the eye if it's already black"?

Posted by: Lauren at November 10, 2009 10:47 AM

Also, I think there will be a lot more screenwriters sobbing into their Starbucks this morning than usual.

Posted by: Lauren at November 10, 2009 10:50 AM

There really are no standards anymore, are there?

Posted by: Cindy at November 10, 2009 10:55 AM

Those moves have been handed down to me by a long line of panda fuc... uh, sex therapists. Yes that's it, therapists. I just hope they take my advice and shoot it mostly in night vision while The Lion King soundtrack plays in the background, you know, for authenticity.

Posted by: jM at November 10, 2009 10:58 AM

Those moves have been handed down to me by a long line of panda fuc... uh, sex therapists. Yes that's it, therapists.

So, no analysts then? Good. I might not be able to look you in the eye.

Posted by: Vermillion at November 10, 2009 11:00 AM

Why doesn't the beef council fight fire with fire, and use those pics of Paul Rudd, Ryan Renyolds, etc? "Beef-It's what's for dinner...and after." Of course for jM, panda is what's for dinner.

Posted by: mrcreosote at November 10, 2009 11:06 AM

What, because raping pandas is okay but ass-raping pandas is just a step too far?

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 10, 2009 11:12 AM

Y'all may laugh now, but I think these Twitter movies have real potential. "Shit my dad says" and "Gurgles from my
moms vagina" could be followed up with:

Acid belches from my brother's maw
Creepy musings from my uncle that no one talks to anymore
Cat care tips from my great-aunt
Queef poems by my sister
Burbles from my cousin's ass

We could be rich! Let's start some Twitter accounts and start spinning the gold lines!

Posted by: stardust (now with 100% less savant) at November 10, 2009 11:17 AM

Well, no. But if we gotta have a panda rapist (and really, are you gonna tell her to stop? I'm far to fuzzy and rotund to do it), we can at least have one with some restraint.

The poor things have enough to deal with, it doesn't need to be compounded.

Posted by: Vermillion at November 10, 2009 11:21 AM

"Fuzzy" . . . "rotund" . . . . if you keep describing yourself as panda-esque, don't be surprised if she shows up on your doorstep with a large sack and a club. Oh sure, jm will SAY it's a large *snack* and a club *sandwitch*, but those'll be lies. LIES.

Posted by: Lauren at November 10, 2009 11:27 AM

Well I don't want scare them off, Tracer. I do what I do in the hopes of reigniting the passion within our black and white brethren to revive the falling giant panda population so that they may flourish once again. And we all know analysts don't get pandas pregnant. So why bother?

Posted by: jM at November 10, 2009 11:37 AM

I do what I do in the hopes of reigniting the passion within our black and white brethren to revive the falling giant panda population so that they may flourish once again. And we all know analysts don't get pandas pregnant. So why bother?

Wait a sec...doesn't that depend on HOW you are raping them? And wouldn't that put them off even further? And...

And why am I pondering the mechanics and psychological effects of panda rape?

Posted by: Vermillion at November 10, 2009 11:46 AM

I've been suspicious of the "Shit My Dad Says" twitter guy for a while now, but I've had no cause to bring it up. Now, by God, I do!

Maybe I'm jaded, maybe I just don't know the right kind of old people, but I doubt that anyone's dad just sits around and spouts one liners like that guy does. At least not unless he's one of those old people who are allowed medical marijuana.

Maybe I'm wrong and the old fart is just a rare, funny old coot. If I am, I'll buy him the Matlock box set of DVD's as an apology.

If I'm right, though, I will want justice.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at November 10, 2009 11:48 AM

I'm a sensitive and attentive panda lover. I haven't had any complaints in English.

Posted by: jM at November 10, 2009 11:56 AM

I'd rather go naked than wear fur. Not because I think it's cruel(I DO think it's cruel, but that's not why I wont wear it)

It's because I'm the most allergic allergic that ever allergiced. I have been threatened by nurses to stay 50 feet upwind of horses, or if that's impossible, to hold my breath and cover my eyes while passing them.
I cant imagine what would happen if i actually wore what had once been alive. There's always a chance I'd be fine. There's even more of a chance I'd blow out of proportion faster than...hmm...a thing in the news that has been blown all out of proportion, insert your chosen news story here(Britney might wear velcro shoes or something)
Apparently my level of allergy to them is 'HOLYSHITBALLS YOU WILL DIE'
But because there's little to no chance of me meeting a horse in my daily life, no epi pens for me. Just, ya know, the breath holding.

Posted by: Nadine at November 10, 2009 11:59 AM

We need a Pajiba version of the Gashlycrub Tinies subsituting "J is for jM assaulted by bears". Because if pandas like anything in this world, it's bamboo and revenge.

Posted by: Lauren at November 10, 2009 1:08 PM

It is what I will forever imagine Lwa'e's ass looks like, unless presented with evidence to the contrary.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at November 10, 2009 10:25 AM

Fine by me Big Daddy. In my head you look like this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Harrison_Ford.jpg

Lets not ruin it for each other, OK?

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 10, 2009 1:43 PM

I like to get naked then wear fur. Mmmmmm, furry.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 10, 2009 1:44 PM

Queen Amidala was saying that eating meat was equivalent to rape the other day. This is why I hate PETA. They actually claim that eating a steak is morally equivalent to what happened in Richmond. You don't want to eat meat, fine. Don't eat meat. But PETA, can you pretty please with non-dairy whipped cream on top do it without shitting all over rape victims?

Posted by: Inaras at November 10, 2009 2:09 PM

A is for Admin who was buried in snow
B is for Bslim killed by hookers and blow

Posted by: Lauren at November 10, 2009 2:17 PM

C is for Cindy who made the page reload not slow!

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 10, 2009 2:23 PM

PETA is a ridiculous organization. If PETA had their way no one would have pets. Hear that? PETA wants to take you little furry babies away!
Fuck PETA.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 10, 2009 2:25 PM

Close, except she has to die! All the Gashlycrumb Tinies die.

Um . . . fill in the ones I can't do.

A is for Admin who was buried in snow
B is for Bslim killed by hookers and blow
C is for Cindy
D is for Dustin
E is for Esme
F is for Figgy
G is for George gunned down by the fuzz
H is for Human Centipede who died JUST BECAUSE
I is for Idleprimate who fell down the stairs
J is for jM assaulted by bears
K is for Kballs who was hit with a tree
L is for Lindsey who took two tablets of “e”

All I really wanted to do was get to jM. Though I also really like

S is for Sofia who was smothered by tits

Posted by: Lauren at November 10, 2009 2:45 PM

Not only would PETA take your four-legged, furry family members away, but they would turn them out into the wild. After a lifetime of being domesticated and taken care of by humans, PETA would make your pets fend for themselves and most likely die if they couldn't make it on their own

Now THAT'S what I call compassion for animals. Or, you know, the exact opposite of it.

Posted by: stardust (now with 100% less savant) at November 10, 2009 2:45 PM

T is for TK who by a zombie was bit (it kind of works...)

Posted by: Alarmjaguar at November 10, 2009 3:21 PM

"All the Gashlycrumb Tinies die."
Sorry, I have never heard of this before. My bad. Plus, I suck at word games. I cannot TELL you how honored I am to be included though. Ironic to die by a drug I never took when I have been on the wagon for 14 years. :-}

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 10, 2009 3:33 PM

They're from an alphabet book by Edward Gorey. His illustrations are wicked.

gashlycrumb

Posted by: Lauren at November 10, 2009 4:21 PM

Yeah,I like Edward Gorey. I just never read the Gashlycrumb Tinies. I come from Silverstein people.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 10, 2009 4:23 PM

*COUGH*
Ummm.
How did no one manage to mention that this Serratos girl is 19?
I may have to re-think my age limit for sexual activities.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at November 10, 2009 4:32 PM

Ironic to die by a drug I never took when I have been on the wagon for 14 years. :-}

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 10, 2009 3:33 PM
---------------------------------------------------
Well, as you are Lwa'e, overdosing on e was the only way to go.

Posted by: Lauren at November 10, 2009 4:36 PM

If it means I die in the throes of passion, OK by me.
But for the record, I was a good old fashioned cheap drunk. None of the fancy schmancy designer drugs for me.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 10, 2009 5:43 PM

Lwa'e'

Deal.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at November 11, 2009 1:24 AM

Know what I love? That you are up as late as me trolling around these threads looking for some action.
And that you are clearly a degenerate.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 11, 2009 2:33 AM





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