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Twilight: Breaking Dawn — Part 2 Is to Film As Its Posters Are to Poster Art

By Courtney Enlow | Trade News | July 17, 2012 | Comments ()


breaking-dawn-2.jpg

Okay, I'm shaking my head so hard right now it might loosen and fall off, but here's the newest batch of Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn -- Part 2 posters, and they are rough. They're your standard Twilight posters (mildly recognizable people looking like awful oily Botox monsters) but, at this point, it's actually upsetting. The posters are just like the script -- not even goddamn trying because they know they don't need to. Their audience of panting pillow-humpers doesn't require a decent poster, but this is laziness beyond the realm of comprehension. Like playing a game of "statue" when you have an itch on your nose, one actually needs to exert the effort to exert this little effort. I loathe everyone involved. A pox upon their houses.

alicetwi.jpg

This Ashley Greene person is like an even less relevant Jessica Alba, so I have no thought or care for her. But what I really want to know is why, WHY, these movies want so badly to make everyone in them look so goddamn hideous, and this chick's hair throughout the series is a prime example of the heinousness. Jesus hairgod. Is it part of the books? Is Alice supposed to be a psychic whose powers are only as strong as her hair is stupid?

carlisletwi.jpg

Let's just stop this right now. Peter Facinelli is a perfectly attractive individual. Not attractive enough to think his star has risen high enough to warrant shitcanning Jennie Garth, but attractive. But the dynamic duo of inept poster designers and hair and makeup disaster team have turned him into an albino Zoolander ferret down to the beady eyes and lips of blue steel.

maggietwi.jpg

Maggie Grace is actually the recipient of the best poster, which is sad, because she looks like she's so constipated that everything inside of her has fossilized.

sweettwi.jpg

If you've seen Sweet Land, you know that Elizabeth Reaser is lovely. She is not, in fact, Robert Z'Dar.

bontwi.jpg

Bon Iver, I love your work.

joctwi.jpg

I don't know who this is, but I think I've figured out where her storyline goes.

scarytwi.jpg

Nope. No. I can't anymore. By the way, this is Cael from "The Riches" and not a demonic vent figure. He should sue everyone.

(Source: The Berry)


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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • RonnieDobbs

    Regarding Lee Pace as whatever he's supposed to be in that picture, coupled with the fact that he agreed to do a Twilight movie (I'm assuming he needed a check?): I still would.

  • awesome arts......

  • Lbeees

    FRIGHTENING. HORRID. TRAGIC. And yet the quality is what I would expect.

    And the worst part is the entire vertical management system that OK'd these. Like, some managing editor had to sign off, and *their* manager had to sign off, and so on.

    I keep thinking these movies are over and done with... Alas no.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Fuck me, Courtney, the link after the 2nd last poster was just cruel. I expect that kind of shit from TK, not from you.

  • Anne Lucchesi

    I just had to delete an extended defense of Ashley Greene when I realized she is not, in fact, Anna Kendrick. So, anyways, how about those terrible posters?

  • Quanion

    I think I just peed myself a little from laughing at your caprions. Good work.

  • dahlia6

    Peter Facinelli looks like someone photoshopped Corey Feldman. Very very badly.

  • Psychicdog

    The top poster is bearable if you imagine K-Stew and R-Patt doing this:
    ))<>((
    Back and forth, forever...

  • laylaness

    Um, are we sure these are real, and not from fuckyeahbreakingdawn.tumblr.co...

  • laylaness

    And holy shit, I did not realize that was an actual tumblr when I posted.

  • Psychicdog

    I don't think there was until you willed it into existence just now. Now, don't do that again.
    I'm serious. Don't create Twilight tumblrs from the ether, that shit isn't cool.

  • llp

    My husband walked by and peeked over my shoulder. He was startled by the atrocious high school class photos he seems to think I was looking at. You know, Class of WTF, 2012.

  • Mr_Zito

    Is it animated now? Everybody looks like characters from that Final Fantasy movie.

  • BendinIntheWind

    Jesus, Courtney! I watched "Soultaker" this weekend and JUST got the image of Robert Z'Dar out of my nightmares. Why must you drag him back?!

  • emperorcupcake

    Souptaper!

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    Ah, clearly they're taking a page out of the Queen of the Damned Playbook. Sparquel vampires rock!

  • BWeaves

    I have no idea who any of these people are, but I thought Peter Facinelli was celebrity dermatologist Dr. Brandt for a moment.

    http://www.drbrandtskincare.co...

    They both look like lesbians. I have nothing against lesbians, except men should not look like them.

  • BierceAmbrose

    Oily Botox Monsters - Supergroup composed of the remains of '90s skeeveball bands. Or maybe the cast of any "Housewives of ..." Hard to tell the difference.

    Panting Pillow Humpers - Lenny Kravitz's backup dancers formed a band.
    They're still arguing over appending "-Dolls" to the name.

    Albino Zoolander Ferrit - I don't know. Have we had any good poser-Albinos doing music lately?

  • BierceAmbrose

    Well, I just don't understand where these bad Identikit composites came from. Some crime (against humanity, possibly.)

    BUT, they're unclear on how this works. See, the idea is to assemble features from the same person, to make a likeness of what you actually saw. Try again, people.

    Also, where's the pic of the author.

  • Fredo

    That last poster looks into my soul. Those are the eyes of an Old One, an Ancient being uncaring for the sanity or safety of flecks of insipid nothingness that are humans. I yearn for the comforting arms of Death to let me escape into nothingness as it is only there that I can hold any hope that this stare will not chase me. But my terror grows in that, even beyond life, I will have no choice but to look back upon it and feel the apathy towards my sanity while it feasts upon the marrow of my dreams.

  • Pants-are-a-must

    The last poster, oh my god. Even Malfoys would go "we don't look THAT inbred".

  • Mehehe

    <3

  • Holly

    Do we vote on Eloquent Eloquence? If we do, I'm nominating this.

  • Seconded. I just shot hot coffee out of my nose and I don't even care. Totally worth it.

  • zyzzyva

    Speaking of cruelly horrid wigs, you (mercifully?) left out Lee Pace's poster. As if I could mourn "Pushing Daisies" more...

  • Ash

    would still bang.

  • laylaness

    This isn't Colin Farrell?

  • Fredo

    For a moment, I thought someone had been smart enough/cool enough to borrow the font and start photoshopping other vampires into this. Colin Farrell from Fright Night...Pee-Wee Herman from Buffy the movie...the kids from Let Me In...Hell, throw in the old bald vamp from Salem's Lot!

  • Melissa

    I am honest-to-God distressed by that right there...I think I need a cuddle or something...

  • Lee Pace is in this? My beloved Piemaker?

    Leave me... I would be alone.

  • zyzzyva

    I know. I couldn't bring myself to watch the previous installment. I guess I'm just hoping someone'll put a cut of only his scenes on YouTube eventually.

  • jM

    More like Crymaker. This is so sad.

  • God he looks depressed. I don't blame him. They ruined his gorgeous face!

  • Wednesday

    It's like they drew some faces, and then photoshopped in eyes from some other, differently-scaled, drawing.

    Not that I have the slightest interest in anything Twilight but this looks more like high school fan art than a commercial product.

  • Why did they give Maggie Grace Rumer Willis' chin?

  • Quanion

    Maybe they thought they needed to balance out that giant bouffant.

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