Hey, remember when movie titles just kind of generically referred to the subject or characters at hand and let you, the willing viewer, discover for yourself what the films were actually about as far as content or quality? For instance, if a film was playful, it would often attempt to communicate this through a lighter title and (one hopes) a movie whose plot points were entertaining and easy to understand as playful. It’s the difference between a movie actually being funny and simply announcing, “I am funny, as you can clearly tell by my title!” Well, you can kiss the memories of those sweet days goodbye. Apparently inspired by the dark thriller Donkey Punch — which is a real film that played Sundance this year, and whose existence causes me to reexamine my whole understanding of theodicy — Overture Films has snapped up a spec script called Freshly Popped. It’s a teen comedy about a girl who works at a movie theater and has to decide whether she wants to lose her virginity to a geek, a cooler guy, or a popular jock, one assumes because teens in the film’s universe don’t have to study or do anything other than just bone like rabbits. The script was written by Megan Parsons, and it’s only through exertion of my formidable will that I am avoiding any kind of Parsons Project joke. Sources familiar with the pitch say the story is (somehow) reminiscent of Juno, which is this year’s way to describe a spec script without having to come up with your own idea. Anyway: Freshly Popped. Just let that roll around your noggin for a while and try not to kill yourself.
In interesting tech news: From now on, Disney and Pixar’s computer-animated films will be released in digital 3-D, beginning with Disney’s Bolt later this year. Among the format’s titles will be a sequel to Cars as well as revamped versions of Toy Story and Toy Story 2: Toy Storier. Perhaps the weirdest film Disney’s upcoming slate is 2012’s King of the Elves, based on a Philip K. Dick story about a man living in the Mississippi Delta who helps a band of elves deal with an evil troll and is then named their king. … Yep.
It was announced this week that UA is pushing the release of Bryan Singer’s Valkyrie, starring Tom Cruise as a Nazi who does, um, something, from this October to Feb. 13, 2009, which is Presidents Day. The studio says its because the potentially lucrative holiday weekend just emptied out, with Sony’s The Pink Panther 2 (start hating it now and beat the rush!) moving up to Feb. 6 and Universal’s The Wolf Man heading back to April 3. And it’s possible there’s some very slight truth to that. But the film is also not yet complete, and moving a wartime drama with a star and director as big as Cruise and Singer from a fall slot where it could be a possible awards contender to a spring dumping ground where it can more easily be downplayed has got to be seen as a lack of confidence on MGM’s part. And who wants to go see a Holocaust movie on Valentine’s Day weekend?
In casting news, Leslie Mann has joined the cast of I Love You, Philip Morris, a black comedy about a man (Jim Carrey) who goes to prison and falls in love with his cellmate (Ewan McGregor). Mann will play Carrey’s wife, who probably goes through some pretty sad and uncomfortable revelations about her husband. … Also, Toni Collette has joined Sam Mendes’ upcoming and as yet untitled “relationship comedy” about a couple, played by John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph, who are driving around the country looking for a place to raise their kid. Collette, who’s definitely got the chops for comedy and drama, will play their friend. What’s more, Dave Eggers wrote the script, so this one’s guaranteed to at least be interesting.
This morning’s trailer watch brings the inevitable clip for Mamma Mia!, which opens this summer and threatens to undermine the love for Amanda Seyfried I know we’ve all built up. … But damn it all, this song will not get out of my head:
Daniel Carlson is the managing editor of Pajiba and a low-level employee at a Hollywood industry magazine. You can visit his blog, Slowly Going Bald.
Tom Cruise's movie sounds like a berry bad Idea. But I'm sure that whatever Sam Mendes comes up with it will be at least watchable. I'll need to watch American Beauty again real soon, now that you mention it.
oh boy, no matters how much the movie itself will suck (cause I'm pretty sure it will) it's a abba musical! that's all I care about. I will sing along and get kicked out of the movie theater and when that happens I will be rocking my original abba sweather.
Muriel eat my dust!
Posted by: rio at April 10, 2008 6:54 AM
Ha, freshly popped reminds me of this Saki story where this woman 'had' to choose between two men to marry. When she picked one and was on her honeymoon, sitting bored and tired with her companion at the side of the dance floor while her husband had fun dancing, her two aunts happend to see her. One of them said that her husband had saved her from making the biggest mistake of her life, which would have been to marry the other man. The other aunt agreed but added that he had helped her to make the second biggest mistake of her life, which was to marry him.
Posted by: ChrisD at April 10, 2008 6:58 AM
"Valkyrie" is supposed to be about an assassionation plot against Hitler, conspired by some Nazi top dogs who were fed up with Dolph's rants. I wouldn't depict that as a Holocaust movie. Still not the best idea to screen on Valentine's Day.
Posted by: Adere at April 10, 2008 6:59 AM
Hey now, I've seen the "Mamma Mia" trailer twice against my will. You'll have to get up even crazily earlier to slide that past me. Tryin to trip me up with these bummers. You're wily, I'll give ya that! Just gotta think of 3D Jessie the Cowgirl (that IS good news) and surviving to Saturday morning. http://www.robertosbornefilmfestival.com/films/lawrence.php
It'll take much more than a wad of craptastic camp to undermine my love for the Seyfried. Look how cute and tan and happy she is! And not dead! Though still in some poly type of deal - apparently there's just no escaping that. But nah, it's all good.
Posted by: Wojtek at April 10, 2008 7:37 AM
Oh son of a b!tch, EVERYTHING is Juno after Juno!
Posted by: JS at April 10, 2008 7:54 AM
Freshly popped? Why not Cherry-picked? Ugh.
And Ewen, why do you consort with idiots?
Thank goodness I'll be lying on a beach in Mexico tomorrow, where a good margarita will make me forget these things.
Posted by: Cindy at April 10, 2008 7:57 AM
Ok, I didn't realize that I was supposed to "plan" losing my virginity, I figured that it just kinda happened and that's the way it worked for pretty much everyone. Guess I was wrong. Next someone will be telling me I was supposed to send an engraved invitation and have cake or some shit.
I'll likely end up at Mamma Mia thanks to a musical loving younger sister and a mother with better things to do. But Amanda Seyfried was introduced to me as Lilly, and because of that I will always love her just a little.
I'm suffering from almost unheard of levels of despondency today so my comments will be in a passive/fill in the blanks form.
re Valkyrie: Sentiments of "Whu? Didn't that come out already? Like, last year some time?". Realisation of just how little I care. Derogatory comments regarding Tom Cruise's height/scary eyes/crackpot religion.
re Freshly Popped: Eye roll. Sigh. Vague muttering about sheer pointlessness of existence. Mild satisfaction that my theory concerning the suckiness of the world has been confirmed. Slight dissapointment at the lack of inappropriate pun.
re Mama Mia: Suggest movie will be terrible. Resignation to the fact that will have to watch it with Mother. Completely fake attempt to conceal the fact that will love every minute of it.
Some form of reference to Pajiban in joke/desire to be drinking already/question as to whether or not can leave place of employment.
It's early. I'm tired. I can't even pretend. I am going to see Mamma Mia on opening night, and I am going to love it (and probably sing along). The hubs will come with me, and he will try to hide &/or pretend he doesn't know me.
Posted by: Pea at April 10, 2008 8:33 AM
Hard Candy beat Freshly Popped to it.
Posted by: Adere at April 10, 2008 8:47 AM
I'm suffering from almost unheard of levels of despondency today
Thought it was just *me* having that week. The "Valkyrie" morass bothers me even more as it's helping fuck up getting another Superman movie made (thought it seems like *most* things are).
Yeah it seems like Ewan's been fairly busy with stuff I'm ambivalent about (did anyone see the psychiatrist ghost thing? I kinda like that he had that square old knit tie. "Deception" doesn't sound like much fun though). I like Leslie, and then they throw in wild card Jimmy. I'll pass on Mexico but I'd certainly take the margarita.
What do you have against a bit of Playa del Carmen, Jay?
Posted by: Cindy at April 10, 2008 9:07 AM
Freshly Popped? Yuck. Why couldn't they have been more classy and called it Tearing the Hymen?
Posted by: Dangle McGee at April 10, 2008 9:09 AM
I just got back from 2 weeks of vacation, and *this* is how America welcomes me home? Freshly Popped?!?
*curls up in suitcase*
Posted by: Catherine at April 10, 2008 9:12 AM
Possible Ewan man-love? Things are looking up... oh, it's with Jim Carrey? um, flip it and reverse it.
AtO: commiserating...yada yada yada
Did someone say margaritas? Why, oh why, is it not Friday already?
Posted by: feramones at April 10, 2008 9:20 AM
Yeah, I think we're all a little glum right now. Freshly Popped didn't exactly help things, goddamnit.
Posted by: TK at April 10, 2008 9:29 AM
I guarantee you that there will be one sequence in ...ugh... Freshly Popped in which the heroine's best friend narrates all the pertinent qualities to the prospective hymen-breakers as they walk through the movie theater... in slow motion.
I guaranfuckingtee it.
Posted by: Withnail at April 10, 2008 9:30 AM
I agree, TK, we are all kind of gloomy. Turns out we have hearts after all.
What's more, Dave Eggers wrote the script, so this one's guaranteed to at least be interesting.
Eggers? Now I'm paying attention. Yes, AHWOSG IS my favorite book of all time, why do you ask?
Posted by: Nicole at April 10, 2008 9:40 AM
I'm sure I will see Mamma Mia over and over again and love it every time. It's practically programmed in my genes. Loved the musical.
Freshly Popped - gross.
Posted by: ScandinavianBlonde at April 10, 2008 9:44 AM
I don't know about the rest of you, but my first time was NOTHING to do a movie on.
And I worked at a movie theater. And I was choosing from three eligible penises. And I was a teenager.
At least I had the decency to do it outdoors, in public, where at least someone could watch.
It's like my life, but now with more suck.
Posted by: boo at April 10, 2008 9:45 AM
Fuck 3-D
Signed,
The glasses-wearing moviegoers of the world
Posted by: WestCoastPat at April 10, 2008 10:04 AM
"Freshly Popped. It's a teen comedy about a girl who works at a movie theater and HAS to decide whether she wants to lose her virginity to a geek, a cooler guy, or a popular jock . . ."
She HAS to decide. She even GETS to decide. I was 27 and had to take what I could get. Yeah, OK, it was my husband and we're still married and I'm really old, but she HAS to decide? And she even gets the choice of a cool guy or a popular jock. Are we sure the writer's strike is really over? Really?
Posted by: BWeaves at April 10, 2008 10:05 AM
What if Freshley Popped were in Disney 3D? Now that right there is cinematic gold. Starring Jonah Hill as her hymen.
Posted by: insertclevernamehere at April 10, 2008 10:10 AM
Yeah, I mean I'm already busy with my own doom and dread here and then literal bad things start happening to other people (Alex, stay away from news outlets for a few days). I mean really, let's take things one at a time please!
Possible Ewan man-love? Things are looking up... oh, it's with Jim Carrey? um, flip it and reverse it.
Yeah, I've got no innate fondness for Mr. Myers, but Bowie on Pop was a lot more entertaining I'd suspect.
Cindy, the pictures I looked up looked a bit too much like a sunny beach. If I'm on a beach I want grey clouds, gusting winds, rocks and seals n' shit with a jacket required, though I'd still like to have the margarita. Now THAT would be a vacation I could get behind. But...some people like that sun stuff, long as they let me stay in the cool dark we can get along.
"Freshly Popped" is probably going to suck. But I hope the script at least has some in-jokes for those who have slung popcorn, like how "Waiting" had jokes for waiters (bad example, but I just woke up).
I mean, it should since the location is a "movie theater" and not "Popular teen hangout" like all the other movies with the same plot have.
Oh well, probably won't see it unless they attach someone killer talent to it,
Posted by: Jim at April 10, 2008 10:32 AM
I actually don't think "Freshly Popped" is that bad.
...
Of course that's because I initially read "Freshly Pooped." Comparatively a thinly veiled reference to sex doesn't seem so bad.
Posted by: Kizzer at April 10, 2008 10:33 AM
"Freshly Popped" sounds like it would be fun to take my tween girls to see. (kidding people..relax.) But I'll bet the popcorn slinging whore's name is "Freshly".
I just can't get on board with "Mamma Mia" as I detested the stage play. LuvmesumABBA tho.
Posted by: wsapnin at April 10, 2008 10:36 AM
Losing one's own virginity is a chore, a disappointment and often traumatic. No exceptions.
Taking someone else's virginity is just a chore. Virgins are boring.
This is just not a good basis for a movie.
Posted by: Jerce at April 10, 2008 10:37 AM
I mentioned the crazy one's movie yesterday. Does he not realize that no one likes him and his robot wife anymore.
I should also admit that in general, I hate musicals. I hate The Sound of Music, Oklahoma!, and Moulin Rouge. It is rare the musical that I can enjoy without wanting to jam a pointy object into my eye socket.
I did tolerate Chicago though.
Posted by: Melody at April 10, 2008 10:37 AM
Losing one's own virginity is a chore, a disappointment and often traumatic. No exceptions.
Didn't we just do this movie? Wasn't there a pie invovled?
"Calm down! God, it's not the space shuttle landing. It's just sex!"
Posted by: twig at April 10, 2008 10:39 AM
Jonah Hill as her hymen...yes!
It will be another spin on "Look Who's Talking".
Johnah Hymen: Ew, don't choose him. He looks like a one-minute man. I bet he doesn't know how to put on a condom.
Freaking brilliant, Clevername! And BWeaves, I'm with you on the "huh? she HAS to decide?" By all means, time's a wastin'! You don't want to go to college a loser virgin, do you? Better that you get the unplanned pregnancy, abortion and possible STD out of the way right now.
Posted by: happycat at April 10, 2008 10:40 AM
Disney and Phillip K. Dick...together at last!
Posted by: happycat at April 10, 2008 10:43 AM
Ok, so this is that annoying bitchery about things that haven't even come out yet, but if she works in a movie theatre I sure hope there's at least some dialogue about what it's like to work in a movie theatre, and how minimum wage jobs suck ass.
Movie theatre work was actually one of the better min. wage jobs, IMO, but you still had that one douche who left his tobacco spit cup on the floor after the show for cleanup. EEERUUUUUGHHH.
I hate all and any movies that have characters working shit jobs where nobody seems to notice or be at all depressed or stressed by their shit job. Everyone's happy and carefree and somehow going home to their spacious, Pottery Barn decorated apartments after pulling down $8/hr. HATE IT.
Posted by: twig at April 10, 2008 10:45 AM
Losing one's own virginity is a chore, a disappointment and often traumatic. No exceptions.
Hell to the yes my dear Jerce. Do you know how tedius it is to have to talk a sixteen year old boy into sleeping with you? Seriously. Ugh.
Normally I'm much rantier on the subject ("I want to make it special" oh for fuck's sake man up and get on with it) but I can't summon the energy.
Le sigh.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at April 10, 2008 10:46 AM
I guess I'll just toss out my spec for "Hymen Explosion"... It was gonna be a vivacious romp too...
Posted by: Bernard at April 10, 2008 10:57 AM
In casting news, Leslie Mann has joined the cast of I Love You, Philip Morris, a black comedy about a man (Jim Carrey) who goes to prison and falls in love with his cellmate (Ewan McGregor).
Who will play Shillinger to Carrey's Beecher? I can actually see McGregor as a Keller level psycopath.
Posted by: Brian at April 10, 2008 10:58 AM
I...I think something just broke inside my brain.
Yes, but I enjoyed the moment.
Don't worry BWeaves, you could've peaked at 15 instead (and I wasn't traumatized or disappointed, but definitely a bit bewildered as it was more the other party's decision at that moment to go in that direction. "did you...did we...?"). But then I'm also completely uptight so the whole young singlehood thing is wasted on me. But yeah, 14 and 15, she was a little older (knew what she wanted and somehow that included me) all the momentum got used right up. What can ya do?
Pat, while I think the glasses have gotten better, I hear ya. At least the newer wraparounds can sit okay on top of my frames (those without big plastic frames may have a harder time).
Mamma Mia will be simply incredible. Amanda Seyfried will be beloved. Meryl Streep will be nominated. Pierce Brosnan will be lusted after. Colin Firth will be secrety lusted after. Stellan Skarsgard will be... appreciated for his comedic strength. Dominic Cooper will dethrone the current Teen Star On Pedestal. Christine Baranski will once again go unnoticed.
Posted by: Ling at April 10, 2008 11:15 AM
I, for one, eagerly anticipate the release of Mamma Mia. When I saw the stage show, it seemed like it should have been a film, or cut down to play straight through with no intermission. Plus, Meryl Streep in a musical. What's not to love?
Unless, of course, you hate predictable musicals and/or the music of ABBA.
At least I had the decency to do it outdoors, in public, where at least someone could watch.
That may have been the sweetest thing I've ever heard you say, boo
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 10, 2008 11:24 AM
Yeah, that's our boo, all about the giving. Bless her little punk rock socks.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at April 10, 2008 11:35 AM
Pierce Brosnan will be lusted after.
If playing Bond or The Thomas Crown Affair did not improve his lust factor, I highly doubt that a musical will.
Posted by: Melody at April 10, 2008 11:55 AM
" Freshly Popped . . . But I'll bet the popcorn slinging whore's name is "Freshly". . ."
Just like "Truly Scrumptious" in "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." If I hadn't seen CCBB as a kid, and someone told me about it now, I'd swear it was a porno.
Posted by: BWeaves at April 10, 2008 11:58 AM
I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels meh'd up to their eyebrows today. Even the snark and jabs are half-hearted. It's like two siblings in the back seat of a long car ride...too tired to really fight, but feeling obligated to.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 10, 2008 11:59 AM
I am currently sitting on what really can pass as swamp land now and watching another 5 or 6 inches of rain come down with the possibility of severe weather again .
Anyone need rain? Anyone?
Before I have to get a boat?
Meh. This bites.
Meh. Meh.
Posted by: Melody at April 10, 2008 12:04 PM
Freshly Popped should be the title of Orville Redenbacher's biopic, not about breaking in a girl's hoo-ha.
Everything is stupid today.
Except the weather. Oh 70 degrees, I missed you!
Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2008 12:05 PM
Shadows is absolutely right.
And a day Pajiba can't raise a twinkle in my soul is a bad day indeed.
What is wrong with us? Are we all depressed about A. Pink? For her sake we should be generating positive vibes, not negative.
Let's all go get some chocolate or something and collectively regain our interest in life.
Posted by: Jerce at April 10, 2008 12:08 PM
Stupid tags! EEEEE!
[head explodes]
Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2008 12:08 PM
Julie's suggestion sounds much more palatable* than the premise of the actual movie. (*See what I did there? "Palatable"? Heh...?)
Who should play Orville Redenbacher in the biopic?
Low budget: David Hyde Pierce.
Big budget: Paul Bettany.
Posted by: Jerce at April 10, 2008 12:12 PM
It's like my life, but now with more suck.
Yeah, putting this right after talking about your first time getting your tally whacked makes for some very bad jokes that I have to fight off in my brain.
Who could play his wife? Did Orville Redenbacher have a wife? Can you imagine fucking him? Slowly lowering his striped suspenders, running your hands through his shock of white hair, the faint smell of butter as you nibble his ears... "Oh Orville...do me in a Jiffy!"
That just cheered me up.
Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2008 12:20 PM
Except the weather. Oh 70 degrees, I missed you!
Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2008 12:05 PM
Julie, do you need some rain to go with the 70 degrees?
I want sunshine. I need sunshine. I love sunshine. I miss sunshine.
Sigh....
Posted by: Melody at April 10, 2008 12:22 PM
Just like "Truly Scrumptious" in "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang."
Now I got that stupid song stuck in my head.
I would watch a biopic about Orville Redenbacher. Jerce may be right...we're all thinking of a dear fellow pajibian today....or it could just be a backlash of not giving into loving the stupidity that's pandered off as quality movie nowadays...the sheer effort of keeping back the masses of drooling ignorance can get to ya, you know? I say let's reconvene after lunch, everybody go get hammered, and then we start buckling down and get some serious hating on.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 10, 2008 12:23 PM
"... the faint smell of butter as you nibble his ears'''"
I love you, Julie...that just made me laugh like crazy...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 10, 2008 12:26 PM
Losing one's own virginity is a chore, a disappointment and often traumatic. No exceptions...
Virgins are boring.
-Jerce
A-greed. The problem is that virgins don't like surprises. There should be a rule stating that all actions require ample warning prior to execution, lest your virginal virgin screech and run from the room.
Personally, I think I would have appreciated the act a little more if he had just said: "Come here so I can gnaw on your ass."
Posted by: J_Capri at April 10, 2008 12:27 PM
"Let's all go get some chocolate or something..."
Ugh...do you wanna make it worse?
Seriously though, the weather here is grey and windy and gloomy, and I just realised I am wearing three different shades of grey, and I am in an incredibly grey mood and just...ugh.
Let's all get drunk and act stupid. That should help.
Hee hee, Shadows, I went to some very bad places when I imagined that scenario.
Personally, I think I would have appreciated the act a little more if he had just said: "Come here so I can gnaw on your ass."
AH HA HA!! Oh my god I love you.
Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2008 12:32 PM
Julie, do you need some rain to go with the 70 degrees?
Noooo! I am wearing a skirt and sandals today and loving every second of it. In fact, I may not put jeans on for the rest of the season, no matter how cold it may become again. Fuck you, fickle Smarch weather.
Come to Philly Melody, you can share our sunshiney goodness.
Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2008 12:35 PM
"... the weather here is grey and windy and gloomy..."
I'd be happier if it was like that here. But it's all sunny, in the mid-70's, people are walking around in shorts and sandals....ugh. I'm with Jay...give me a cool, dark place to relax in, and I'm happy.
...you sun-loving freaks.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 10, 2008 12:46 PM
Julie. What the fuck is wrong with you. Why must you give me nightmares about O.Red? *barf*
We really are a sorry bunch today. At least the sunshine helps. Melody, come to Pajibadelphia. It's lurvely.
By the way, J_Capri, I'm damn glad you decided to de-lurk. You're fun!
Posted by: Nicole at April 10, 2008 12:49 PM
"...you sun-loving freaks."
Dude, I am not asking for nuclear levels of radioactive sunshine over here, but it is only 38 goddamn degrees Fahrenheit in Minneapolis. Where the hell is spring already? I'm not looking for sweltering jungle heat, but a mild thaw would be nice. I mean, seriously. Plus, I'm staaaaarving. And also whiny. I think I need a nap...or a shitload of energy drink.
give me a cool, dark place to relax in, and I'm happy.
Why did I read that as dirty? Sigh.
Nicole...you're welcome. :p
Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2008 12:56 PM
Jay you need a little sunshine in your life. I suppose the margarita will have to do.
OK, the only way an Orville biopic would be any good at all is if you bring in Frank Perdue, and there's some kind of chicken man vs. popcorn man throw-down. Assuming Perdue wins (by deadly pecking?), the final scene could be a close up of fowl of the clucky kind nibbling corn kernels strewn upon the ground.
Posted by: Cindy at April 10, 2008 12:58 PM
Also, may I say that, as a card-carrying member of the No-Poon-Yet Society, I do not appreciate this anti-virgin vibe going around. It is hard enough to make it through life without you people actively decreasing my chances of getting laid.
To paraphrase a great mind, you should know that the male American virgin is easy to domesticate and eager to please. They are not nearly as boring as you think. Maybe if you did more RESEARCH you would know this already.
Do you know how tedius it is to have to talk a sixteen year old boy into sleeping with you?
I find this hard to believe, AtO, unless you're a talking bear trap. I've never heard of a 16-year-old boy who wouldn't leap at the chance to put IT in something, and quickly.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 10, 2008 1:06 PM
Hey Vermillion: Maybe we should buy a pack of male virgins and send them to Paris Hilton and, on second thought, nevermind.
Posted by: BWeaves at April 10, 2008 1:09 PM
I think I need a nap...or a shitload of energy drink.
Oh dear lord, Sarina. Please no. You drink that devil juice and then you get scary weird.
On the virginity losing tip, I think it's almost a rule that Catholic high school girls must lose their virginity 1) between the ages of 15 and 18; 2) do it after school when somebody's parents aren't home; and 3) be wearing at least part of the uniform during the experience.
This is based on anecdotal evidence I've gathered.
Posted by: Nicole at April 10, 2008 1:13 PM
"Oh dear lord, Sarina. Please no. You drink that devil juice and then you get scary weird."
Uh oh, Melody. I suspect this is then a replay of last summer? I eventually watched it as a comedy of errors. Georgia and the Carolinas were in this high pressure bubble (which I always heard in my head like Harlan Pepper saying "high tension wires") (deleted scenes in Christopher Guest movies are maddening because A: not a whole lot of people saw the movie, and then B: even fewer people have memorized all the cut scenes, yet they're often my favorites) while that rain just fuckin sat on Ohio and Texas for, what, two months? It was weird being in that dry heat here, and the gigantic mass of rain would just bounce back off our bubble.
Not that it's relatable to someone in your position right now, but I ran outside at work extremely excited when it started to rain for the first time in at least eight weeks last September. It was just freaky not getting one single drop. So, yes, the people of the Southeast would love for you to share, and we apologize to the Plains ever so much.
Shadows, yes, that line in "Paint It Black" has a significant but probably different meaning for me. I'm turning my head and pining for wool and tweed and opaque tights. Speaking of, that certainly affects my positivity. The weather starts changing, I get mad at it, and then I get mad at everything and then general malaise and ennui and such...with this weird little perversion of Spring Fever that darts in and out. Then I remember that my sexual peak was at 15 and...
BUT
I'm putting in for that promotion again this week. Third time. But it took me three tries to get the spot I've got now (*grumble grumble* Fuck you, Mace Windu), so I *am* cautiously optimistic and a lot of things will improve at a faster rate. They use the same questions, you just have to keep answering them better. If this happens I will of course announce that you all have a valid excuse to drink a lot of whatever you want.
"What the hell are you doing???"
"Jay got promoted!"
"Who the hell's that?"
"Hell I don't know, some guy, but it's a party!!"
Your own boss may or may not understand. Of course that'll be weeks from now, the interviews themselves probably won't even be til May. You can of course drink whatever you want all this time for whatever other excuse you care to choose.
Why are YOU drinking Martini and Rossi???
But then, starting Saturday, there's "Lawrence of Arabia" on a screen for the first time in 14 years, Spoon, New Pornographers, accidentally picking the week before Memorial Day for a vacation so I get an *extra* day off, along with Indy and then the Kids in the Hall two days later, then the Cure, then R.E.M. then Eddie Izzard. So to the end of June I shall be pretty pleased. If I get the job as well that's all the biggest gravy boat ever. By then it'll be hot enough that the air conditioning will always be on here and not the "it's not hot or cold enough to adjust the temperature" doldrums.
So that's my stash of positivity, to prove I'm not completely Sad Bastard. And it's cost a hell of a lot of money, but that's better than not having these opportunities *to* spend it. The foolhardy attempt at karaoke-singing "Young Americans" next Monday night will just be foolhardy recklessness rather than exuberance, but I couldn't resist my friend's brilliant idea and implied dare to try it.
(do *you* know all the words? yeah, shit is tricky)
give me a cool, dark place to relax in, and I'm happy.
...you sun-loving freaks.
Shadows, I would just like one full day without rain or the thought of rain. Is that really so much to ask. In the past three weeks, my state has had about 1 foot of snow, record flooding, and several tornadoes. I want some nice weather for a change. That is all I ask.
Sarina, aren't you getting snow right now at the top end of this neverending storm line that is moving through middle America right now? I am at the tail end with the rain and tornadoes and hail. I would trade with you. Drink the energy drink. It will make things better. I am fixing to go get my 4th cup of coffee today.
Posted by: Melody at April 10, 2008 1:32 PM
So, yes, the people of the Southeast would love for you to share, and we apologize to the Plains ever so much.
Jay, I am trying to get support for an aqueduct across Mississippi and Alabama to send water to Georgia for you guys. It would immensely help both states and prevent Georgia from starting a incident with Tennessee about that redrawing borders thing.
Posted by: Melody at April 10, 2008 1:37 PM
give me a cool, dark place to relax in, and I'm happy.
...you sun-loving freaks.
Uhhh yeah, try living in Michigan at that point somewhere around mid-March when you haven't seen the sun for three-and-a-half months straight and you can't quite decide whether to kill yourself or everyone else first.
In other news, SPRING HAS SPRUNG IN BOSTON! WOOOOO!!!!
Posted by: twig at April 10, 2008 1:38 PM
I do not appreciate this anti-virgin vibe going around.
I only meant that virgins are boring for sex, not that they're generally boring. And I'm sorry, darling Mill, but it's a fact. Defloration is just awkward. It's something to get past. Someday you, too, will get past it.
Posted by: Jerce at April 10, 2008 1:41 PM
Why does movie-theater girl 'have' to lose her virginity to one of these guys? What happens if she just waits until the right guy comes along and the timing's right? Let me guess, her chosen boyfriend will have to engage in hot buttery man-love with Jim Carrey if she doesn't rid herself of her hymen in 20 minutes. The movie could be retitled 'Run Virgin Run'.
Posted by: Kris at April 10, 2008 1:58 PM
"Sarina, aren't you getting snow right now at the top end of this neverending storm line that is moving through middle America right now?"
HUSH YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH!
Er...I mean, how lovely of you to remind me of the approaching inclement weather. Yes, we are under a winter storm advisory, and the rain is supposed to start this afternoon, and then turn into snow by tonight or tomorrow.
Yeah, I stand by my "sun-loving freaks" comment...cuz you all are. Live in perpetual storms and darkness? Sign me up. Then again, I'm a sun-hater (1st gen™)..I wear my sunglasses even on cloudy days (not cuz it's cool...the light hurts my eyes!) and avoid the soul-draining rays of that orb of HATE that shines down on us. Soo...take my ranting with a grain of salt.
"...and you can't quite decide whether to kill yourself or everyone
else first..."
I would have thought the choice obvious, Ms twig...
Good luck with that, Jay...sounds promising...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 10, 2008 2:34 PM
I do not appreciate this anti-virgin vibe going around.
Seriously, will someone PLEASE just come across for Vermillion? Is that so much to ask?
I swing both ways (weather wise), Shadows, I have been craving sunshiney low 70's weather for some time now, but my favorite season is the fall and I'm obsessed with thunderstorms. They put me in such a good mood.
Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2008 2:39 PM
You read Penny Arcade, don't you Shadows.
I would have thought the choice obvious
See, it's so hard to move, though. Or think. Or do anything but stare up at the gray ceiling of the world and ponder if it's worth rowing the Viking boats over to Wisconsin to sack and pillage.
Only the warm, beckoning light of the Quality Dairy and the well-glazed pastries within can assuage us through the dark hours of deepest night known as... February.
Posted by: twig at April 10, 2008 2:40 PM
Oh, and just to stay on topic...losing one's virginity is always messy and awkward and just plain sucks. It's the second time you should be looking forward to. And honestly...if this were treated with some kind of dignity and respect like Waiting was...er...like American Pie...ummm...Sixteen Candles? maybe...
I mean, seriously, how can this work?
Someone throw V a bone...the man deserves it.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 10, 2008 2:41 PM
Since at any given moment I would rather be outside, I gotta say I'm a sunshine guy. Of course, it helps that I've got darker skin and never get sunburns. But I don't mind the rain as long as it doesn't last forever, and I really love snow.
I guess what I'm saying is... I like it all, as long as it's in moderation.
Posted by: TK at April 10, 2008 2:41 PM
You read Penny Arcade, don't you Shadows.
Ack! Guilty...are you spying on me? I haven't read it in forever, though.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 10, 2008 2:44 PM
"I wear my sunglasses even on cloudy days (not cuz it's cool...the light hurts my eyes!)"
Me, too. But listen, just because I am cold and dead on the inside does not mean I need my weather to match 365 days a year. I appreciate a change of seasons! Of course, I retain my right to bitch about the sweltering swamp ass of heat and humidity in about six weeks.
I'm just seeing you with the motorcycle helmet on at the beach, trying to eat your ice cream cone, that's all.
... and no, I'm not spying on you. I take that professional high-grade telephoto lens with me everywhere I go. Honest.
Posted by: twig at April 10, 2008 2:48 PM
It's something to get past. Someday you, too, will get past it.
Don't lie to him Jerce, you never get past it.
It will eat your dreams Vermillion. EAT YOUR DREAMS!
...wait, I might be confusing "sex" with "sex with napalm vagina"... not that i'm savvy on that or anything.
[looks around suspiciously]
Posted by: J_Capri at April 10, 2008 2:49 PM
So yeah, we're having a lovely spring day here too. And, I ended class early so my students could enjoy the weather (I made them promise that that is what they would do with the time), 'cause it's supposed to rain tomorrow and continue through Monday.
And what did I do with that time? I came back to my desk to snatch a few moments with the Pajibans (before I had to get my nose back to the grindstone).
Hmm. I'm thinking my priorities might be a bit messed up... Though I do love you people.
Posted by: tamatha at April 10, 2008 2:50 PM
"...my favorite season is the fall and I'm obsessed with thunderstorms. They put me in such a good mood."
Julie, sometimes I think you're my Tyler Durden. Or that I'm your Tyler Durden. Wait, which one of us is crazier? Whatever. Sometimes I swear we are each other's alter ego. Thunderstorms are the best, and fall is my absolute favourite.
sweltering swamp ass of heat and humidity in about six weeks.
Sarina, as a southerner, I am going to have to question what you call humidity. It is hotter than the seventh circle of hell here in July - August. Steam rooms feel better than the outside world. Minneapolis would be a nice change from the south in summer.
I feel very strongly that only southern state residents get to complain about humidity in July and August. The only exemptions are when your state tops 100+ degrees for more than one week. Then we allow you your complaint rights.
V, I just want to say I agree with what Shadows said. It sucks and really isn't a fantastic experience in the grand scheme of things. A lot of people don't really remember how bad it sucks when you are one. Don't let it get you down.
Posted by: Melody at April 10, 2008 3:00 PM
Oh Sarina...there is no discerning our craziness. :) Thunderstorms ARE the best, when I see a nice juicy storm cloud I get all giddy like a serial killer in a chainsaw emporium.
Did you ever see a thunderstorm in the snow? Most. Excellent. I saw one in college, it was dusk and the sky turned green with each flash of lightning.
Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2008 3:00 PM
Whoa... what if Sarina and Julie actually ARE the same person? Sarulie? Jurina?
What if they really ARE some weird Fight Club-like persona, each completely unaware of the other?
My god...we were discussing one day how I wanted my hair to be more red like hers, and hers more dark brown like mine.
Maybe we switched bodies. Maybe this is Vice Versa...maybe I'm Judge Reinhold!!!
Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2008 3:05 PM
Would that make what I want to do a threesome, then....or just a twosome with some serious kink thrown in?
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 10, 2008 3:09 PM
I will get a drink and sit on my porch and watch a good storm. I love storms. I hate rain when there is no storm with it or if it is cold rain.
Fall is also the best season. Summer sucks. Winter is only good when it is snowing. Spring = meh.
Posted by: Melody at April 10, 2008 3:10 PM
Sweet. My week is never complete until I make TK's universe explode.
"Maybe this is Vice Versa...maybe I'm Judge Reinhold!!!"
Wait a minute...goddammit. Why do I gotta be Fred Savage?
Melody, while it doesn't usually get over 100 here for more than a couple days each summer, it's regularly in the high 90s. And trust me, it's humid as hell. Our state motto is "Land of 10,000 Lakes" but that's actually rounding way the fuck down. There are over 15,000 of them larger than 10 acres. That's a helluva lotta water just sitting around in the heat, swamping up the air and breeding mosquitos. Encephalitis, yay!
Minnesota in Summer: Like Vietnam, only less exotic.
Shadows, I think it just means that some days I'll have to don a red wig and let you call me by a different name. :)
Sarina, you're Fred Savage because you're teeny and like to narrate your own life.
Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2008 3:15 PM
Minnesota in Summer: Like Vietnam, only less exotic.
At least you have lakes. All we have are woods and rivers.
I hate summer.
That may be my favorite quote of the week.
Posted by: Melody at April 10, 2008 3:17 PM
I feel very strongly that only southern state residents get to complain about humidity in July and August.
That's, I think, reason # 1,984,430 why I avoid the South altogether.
Posted by: TK at April 10, 2008 3:18 PM
SoD, I think my brain just broke.
Fall makes me cry. I love summer, I love humidity, I love love love it. Give me 97 degrees with air so thick you could suck it through a straw. Give me wicked summer thunderstorms. LOVE.
Posted by: Nicole at April 10, 2008 3:19 PM
Fine. But you realise this means I totally get to kiss Winnie Cooper, and what do you get? I mean, aside from being in the Beverly Hills Cop movies, and Gremlins, and that pool scene with Phoebe Cates in Fast Times, and that one time you guest starred on Wonder Woman...goddammit.
All I get is Winnie Cooper and some scenes in bed with Peter Falk!
Give me 97 degrees with air so thick you could suck it through a straw.
Crazy. Crazy talk! You sound exactly like my best friend, he is the only other human I know who revels in 100 degree humidity. If it's not hot and sticky he complains.
Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2008 3:23 PM
All I get is Winnie Cooper and some scenes in bed with Peter Falk!
Hey! I heard he's very giving in bed! >:(
Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2008 3:25 PM
I used to think that bit about 'not the heat, it's the humidity' was accurate until I lived in Texas.
Dry heat, but the sun was 8 inches above your head during the summer, so you'd knock your head on it in the morning and have to jump up and shove it back in the sky. But it never stayed.
Good god, anyone who says spring is 'meh' never lived in a thaw-out state. Today was the first day since October I could walk around without my Dick Cheney grimace.
Posted by: twig at April 10, 2008 3:26 PM
That's, I think, reason # 1,984,430 why I avoid the South altogether.
There are some good things here. College football is a religion, food is artery-clogging goodness, and it is really nice in the spring and fall.
Winter isn't nearly as bad as it is up north. Two inches is a snow day.
Cuz I wouldn't mind me a threesome...but I can deal with serious kink...I can get behind some hardcore roleplaying...
Sarina, don't feel bad. I would totally be all over Winnie Cooper. Stupid, insecure, unconfident Kevin messing up a good thing...
I wish I could avoid the South...extreme humidity and irritating sunshine nine-tenths of the year.
Nicole...I can't help it if your mind is that fragile. Unless yu wanted to make it a threesome with serious kink...?
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 10, 2008 3:32 PM
That is just because we see snow fairly often, so it is like a holiday. Add in that most people don't understand that 50 is not an acceptable speed on ice or packed snow and you see the reasons why we get holidays for a little snow.
The thing about winter is that you can add on more clothes, but summer there is a limit to what you can remove.
Posted by: Melody at April 10, 2008 3:34 PM
"it took him minutes, took her nowhere, heaven knows she'd have taken anything"
coincidence that I mentioned that song???
It was weird when I read an article about Lollapalooza 94 in Spin and they were at the MN/SP adjacent spot and it was enlightening in their mentioning of the Mississippi River being right there and it being mighty hot and crappy. My illusions were shattered, which would help later, along with finding out about horrible Boston and New York summers (I had a giant hangover in New York in June once and my flight didn't leave until 6. It was a long day, but I'm sure August would've been unearthly).
If you want to be stunned by humidity go to south Florida. You don't realize it living there until you go back and get off a plane and WHOOMP the air is suddenly leaden. You do get those sea breezes under black skies sometimes though and all the humidity gets sucked up into the clouds for a while. That I do miss. But not enough. My compromised solution appears to be the Pacific Northwest. Doesn't get quite as wintry as I'd like, but doesn't go balls out with summer more than, like, a week. Course it's humid too but I've been keeping my hair pretty short lately so we could maybe reach a deal. And, again, they've got dark stormy beaches with, I swear, it was bright GREEN water on the Oregon coast. Why is there an Ocean Beach in both Oregon and San Francisco? Coincidence? Who knows. Both sites of utter joy for me though.
Minnesota in Summer: Like Vietnam, only less exotic
"I'm gonna go around looking at temples on a bus!"
"...You do that".
And I will never ever ever be horny enough to go to Thailand.
My friend and I stayed at the theater all day one spring break and saw "Biloxi Blues", "Vice Versa" and "Beetlejuice". And yes, that one was much better than "Like Father, Like Son".
Hee...Shadows, hardcore roleplaying like the angry principal and naughty schoolgirl, or hardcore like...Seymour Krelbourn and Audrey Two? I'm down with dressing up as a giant man-eating plant. :p
Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2008 3:43 PM
"...or hardcore like...Seymour Krelbourn and Audrey Two? I'm down with dressing up as a giant man-eating plant."
...and now that song is stuck in my head again.
Although, going around humming the theme to Little Shop of Horrors is really the least of the things for which my coworkers think I'm terrifyingly insane.
My coworkers feel the same way, Sarina. I AM the alcoholic cat-raping baby-killer after all.
"So I live downtown...that's your home address, you live downtown...where your life's a mess, you live downtown...where depression's just status quo...down on Skid Row..."
I love that movie/show.
Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2008 3:54 PM
Come live in the UK, we have really mild winters, all year round.
Did you have that freaky warm spring in the states this time last year? It was next week, plus minus a week, that I went to Berlin, and I only took skirts and t-shirts and one jumper, in April! Really last year we had summer in spring and then spring in summer. (It's hard to remember now that we are having a more seasonable April this year)
Posted by: ChrisD at April 10, 2008 4:54 PM
Oh this was a great topic for you guys, wasn't it? Now you get to be as dirty/kinky as you want and it's actually ON TOPIC!
First of, how dare yo imply virgins are boring in bed? How would you know? By the time you find out, they're no longer virgins. Pfft! And there I just refuted your theory. *takes off glasses, wipes them, puts them back on and looks at Jerce challengingly*
Weather-wise, give me superwet hot weather and I'll whine for 3 minutes then I'll be happy. I'm actually born in the best country in the world, climate-wise, about 25-28 degrees Celsius all year round. I also second the love for thunderstorms. Especially when it's really really hot. Makes me feel dirty...in a Scrabble-playing kind of way.
Posted by: joker at April 10, 2008 5:22 PM
Julie, I think we must be neighbors. Your descriptions of southern weather and southerners' snow driving habits are spot on! Snow in the Deep South is so rare that we'll talk about it forever. My friends and I still talk about the blizzard of '93. That freak storm brought thunder, lightening, and snow 13" deep. In Birmingham, Al! Even the Yankees among us agreed it was a significant storm.
And shouldn't that Philip Morris film be a tobacco flick? Or should Phil change his name to Altria?
Sorry everyone. I've been cooped up in lectures all day, and then came home to Internet problems, so I'm a little late to the party. Sounds like I'm a little giddy, too.
Posted by: rlr260 at April 10, 2008 8:49 PM
Haha...rlr260...you're in B'ham? I'm only a few miles south of you. And I'm glad I wasn't here in '93..I was experiencing snow the way it was intended...in Colorado.
That's snow. Nine-tenths of the year is bright and cheery there too...but the snow? Makes the world sparkle. Makes it perfect. Makes it beautiful.
Until your dad kicks your ass out of bed at 6 in the morning on Saturday to start shovelling the driveway, when it's still snowing, and you don't get done til dinnertime.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 10, 2008 8:59 PM
Yeah, Shadows, I am in awe of how our northern brethren deal with snow in such a routine, not- worth-mentioning kind of way. Makes southern folk sound like drama queens. But I'll take the heat and humidity any day over snow and subfreezing temperatures. 'Cause air conditioning is the greatest invention ever.
Posted by: rlr260 at April 10, 2008 10:27 PM
Wow, dissing scripts you've never read -- and their writers -- based on their titles!
Having read FRESHLY POOPPED in it's early and subsequent stages, l-o-n-g before JUNO was even made, when Ms. Parsons was struggling to balance making a living and following her screenwriting passion, I can tell you that it is a smart and funny script. the kind Ms. Tina Fey herself would be proud to have written. The title fits perfectly with the tone and humor of the script and yes it is a bit bawdy. God forbid a woman have the right to write a funny and touching script about girls and sex; wouldn't want any leftover Puritans to be offended.
To lump it in with the likes of a movie like DONKEY PUNCH right off the cuff is asinine! Wait until the movie comes out and see what it's like.
But then, that would take restraint, which is not an internet strong suit.
Posted by: Bill at April 11, 2008 7:12 AM
STORM OF THE CENTURY MARCH 93!! NO SCHOOL MONDAY!! VODKA IN BRIAN'S HUGE FINISHED BASEMENT!!
Yep, I remember. It always gives me that bit of hope each year, and now look at that, high of 50 on Monday.
But I'll take the heat and humidity any day over snow and subfreezing temperatures. 'Cause air conditioning is the greatest invention ever.
I can accept our difference of opinion. I'm just potentially crabby today because some of that rain's headed south here but for the moment there's just increasing humidity and the thermostat is still set to heat or nothing. Where I'm sitting right now is pretty comfortable at the moment, but I'll be a lazy dick if I hide here all day. Zut alors. However, I don't cotton to people who bet on not needing air conditioning, like England or the Northwest. I carry two different Swiss Army knives and carry around a stationery store, library and medicine cabinet, okay? I BELIEVE in Be Prepared, they don't. Ain't goin to Europe in the summer. Costs more anyway and it's still crowded? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???
Instead of shoveling snow I'd have to assist my stepdad in Florida with his lawncare and plant watering about every damn Saturday. Somehow I have an aversion to the smell of warm grass in the sun. Can't explain why.
I'm guessing Bill is kidding due to the use of "pOOp" in the title.
Hmmm. I love Sam Mendes, but so far John Krasinski has only shown the ability to play one character, which is one more than Maya Rudolph.
Of all the Pixar films to make a sequel to, they chose Cars? Sure, it's a pretty good film, but it just pales in comparison to every other Pixar film to date.
Pink Panther 2: Not much to say, except that I predict a scene where Steve Martin accidentally digs up Peter Seller's grave and fucks his corpse.
Posted by: Master Mahan at April 11, 2008 1:43 PM
I am from the Northeast and yet feel more comfortable in tropical weather than any other kind of weather. I HATE the cold. Really detest it. The only reason I stay here is because of my family. And my job. And the fact that every institution and organization I've ever been involved with is up here. And my bar admissions....
I will say, though, that the place I've visited where I am always frigging cold is San Francisco. Yes, it's not as cold as the Northeast, but the shit's cold INSIDE THE HOUSE. I cannot stand ill-heated houses and I don't think I've ever been in a properly-heated house in the Bay Area.
Tom Cruise's movie sounds like a berry bad Idea. But I'm sure that whatever Sam Mendes comes up with it will be at least watchable. I'll need to watch American Beauty again real soon, now that you mention it.