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February 19, 2009 |

By Daniel Carlson | Industry | February 19, 2009 |

My dad used to say, “Some days you eat the bear, some days the bear eats you.” But my father, though loving, was a short-sighted man. There’s a third option that transcends joy and pain: Some days, Ashton Kutcher gets up in your shit.

First up: The Kutch is set to star in Paramount’s Traded, a football comedy. (Variety says that Kutcher is “set to tackle” the film; I don’t know what their writers are being paid, but double it!) The story, such as it is, deals with a star NFL quarterback — The Kutch —¬†and a geeky middle schooler who somehow trade bodies, and who probably use the experience to get into some PG-level hijinks before helping each other out and learning about honesty and humility and I don’t even know what I’m typing.

Kutcher’s also going to star in Five Killers, and Katherine Heigl has just signed on as the female lead. Kutcher and Heigl will play a couple who meet and fall in love only to have married life interrupted when they discover that their neighbors are assassins hired to kill them. I can barely wrap my brain around the fact that someone sat down and wrote that script, let alone that Lionsgate decided to cast leads who can’t open a movie and have never carried a hit on their own. I’m also at a loss as to why it’s called Five Killers, which sounds like The Three, only instead of technology versus horse, this time it’s technology versus Kutcher. No telling who’ll win. Filming begins in Atlanta next month; a DVD of your choice to whoever sabotages the set.

Who Wants Ashton Kutcher News?

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Industry | February 19, 2009 |

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