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Trade News: Johnny Depp Continues His Quest To Be In 1 Out Of Every 3 Movies And I Continue My Pissy Mood.

By Jodi Clager | Trade News | February 4, 2013 | Comments ()


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Monday morning. Why are you such a fart? First I have to deal with the Super Bowl being boring as all hell and the commercials underwhelming. Then I have to scrape some news up from the endless void of awards shows and Beyonce praise. It's tiring work, y'all. I would like you to know that each and every piece of news I present here pisses me off to some extent. Let that be the sunshine that lights your day, kids!

I have not seen the movie Contagion. If I want to worry myself into the fetal position while simultaneously losing control of my tear ducts and bowels, I'll skip my meds for a day or two. I don't need a movie for that. For those of you that did see Contagion and thought, "Hmm. That needs a sequel," I have bad news and worse news. There will not be a sequel but there might be a television series! I KNOW!

We've been talking about turning it into a TV series and I think it may have a life there. It has some of the properties inherently like 'Homeland' and '24' where you can really explore outbreaks and pandemics in interesting ways. Like this story, they take you to unexpected places, whether it's drug companies or governments or scientists or people with political agendas. All of these things, once they're out there, can be coopted from a lot of different angles.

It will be like "Law and Order:SVU," except instead of thinking the world is filled with rapists, incestuous fathers, and children killing their parents, you can think we will all die from a contagion mutated from pinkeye in a barramundi! Wheee!

Johnny Depp has accepted the lead in Barry Levinson's Black Mass. The movie is based on the book "Black Mass: The True Story of an Unholy Alliance Between the FBI and the Irish Mob" by Boston Globe reporters Dick Lehr and Gerland O'Neil. The true crime book is about Southie gangster Whitey Bulger and his alliance with the FBI to bring down a rival mob, only to have the FBI screw him and prosecute him as well. Ha! You may remember this being the inspiration for The Departed.

Depp will be playing Whitey. I do not like this. Depp has become an actor that needs a quirk in every character. Whitey doesn't need veneers or a chin-length bob. He doesn't need a bird headpiece and conversations with horses. He's not a campy vampire or an effeminate pirate. He's an evil man who did unspeakable things and then ran from them for 16 years. Depp being chosen to portray him makes me annoyed, to put it mildly.

The excellent shows "Green Lantern: The Animated Series" and "Young Justice" on Cartoon Network have been cancelled. This is oldish news but still stings me in the feeling place in my chest. Cartoon Network has decided that we instead need "Beware the Batman" and "Teen Titans Go!". UGH. NO. Professor Pyg and Mister Toad as the Batman show villains? Those dudes are New Earth, right? The Teen Titans look like a pre-school version of themselves learning about friendships and hats. Look at these sh*t pictures of the two new series:

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Just re-run the entire series "Batman: The Animated Series" and call it a day.

Finally, Michael Bay wants to reassure people that the next Transformers movie is not a reboot, but it is the first in a trilogy. It just takes place four years after the last clusterf*ck of a movie and allows him to pretend that the two racist caricature bots never happened. Bay is pleased to tell you that they've redesigned everything for the new movie. I won't hold my breath that this means we might actually be able to tell which bot is which during fight scenes. I swear, all I saw were flashing metal limbs and indistinct 'faces' flopping across the screen like lens flares and explosions. BAH. BAH I SAY. Tomorrow had better bring me some good news.







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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Ben

    The new Batman has Alfred with handguns helping Batman fight crime.
    Sorry but fuck yes that looks awesome.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    "You may remember this being the inspiration for The Departed."

    Er...

  • Green_Eggs_and_Hamster

    I am not sure if Super Bowl is what you call your toilet, and maybe you had some constipation, but I would not call the Football game that happened yesterday boring. Very weird, maybe, but by no means boring.

  • kult

    There is already a pandemic procedural show, with Ellen Page to boot: Regenesis

  • Gabs

    Um, the idea of a Contagion TV series makes me happy in my heart. Because my heart is twisted and completely enthralled by viruses like Ebola and how they work.

  • Buck Forty

    Yes, because television is the perfect media to show us how an Ebola virus would play out in real life. Dedicated but sexy medical staff, each with their own personal issues, and a gruff military type who just wants to nuke the whole damn city...

  • John W

    Everyone was singing the praises of those DC Animated shorts and the DC execs must have heard them and thus we have Teen Titans Go.

  • VonnegutSlut

    I think since they've shit their pants and cast Johnny Depp as Bulger that they have to drop the whole BLACK MASS title and go with BLOW 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO.

  • idiosynchronic

    My daughter is a huge Teen Titans fan, but she's getting older and series is being devolved in to something younger. Actually, it looks like it's taking all the cute, and getting rid of all the fun.

  • Robert

    How about just start reairing Teen Titans and Batman: The Animated Series and call it a day? The new Teen Titans Go looks like a low budget reboot of the original run which had to cost a lot to look that good with modern animation standards.

  • annoyingmouse

    This article is a lot funnier if I imagine it was written by the goth kids from South Park. It's just that rosy and colorful.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    oh my yes.

  • Um, Johnny Depp as Whitey Bulger? How... I mean, why.... WHY did anyone even consider such a thing, much less think "oh yeah, that works!"

  • You've got a typo. 'Depp will be playing Whitey being played by Johnny Depp as played by Depp.' Fixed.

  • logan

    Someone is wearing her cranky panties. I mean when you're complaining about cartoon quality the next step is yelling at kids to get off your lawn.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I worked very hard on that lawn.

  • logan

    And its very difficult to do in a whalebone corset.

  • Mrs. Julien

    logan understands.

  • Kballs

    MOAR! MOAR TRANSFORMERS!

  • phase10

    As a child of the 80's, I so wanted to like them. After the first one, I just couldn't. But as they say time heals all wounds. So I tried to watch the last one ( Something about the Moon's dark side I think). After the first 10 minutes, I had to turn it off. I don't know if it was the LaBeef or the writing, but maybe if those things have changed...? No, probably not.

  • Kballs

    Megan Fox's midriff is the only part of these movies that doesn't give me a pounding headache.

  • Megan Fox was the only reason I bothered to watch the first two Transformers movies.

  • psemophile

    Prof. Pyg and Mr. Toad are actually pretty awesome and deranged villains, but the fact that they're the MAIN (and probably ONLY) antagonists in this seemingly kid-friendly TV show is not very... assuring.

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