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You Don't Know What You Got Til' It's Gone

There's Only One Schwarzenegger / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | June 3, 2009 | Comments (24)

We mentioned that there was a Total Recall remake in the works, right? Ah yes, here it is. Daniel wrote a few months ago: “There’s no denying Total Recall’s place in the pantheon of early-1990s sci-fi/action movies, from the vintage supporting cast (Michael Ironside! Ronny Cox!) to the awesomely pre-CGI effects of people’s heads splitting open, Arnold yanking stuff out of his skull, and a three-breasted hooker that left her mark on young boys nationwide. But because Hollywood is so out of ideas they’re remaking stuff that was kind of OK in the first place, Columbia has turned to Neal Moritz and his Original Films to churn out a new version of the movie.”

Ha ha ha! Original films. Remaking Total Recall. Oh, Alanis and I will have a great laugh over that over drinks tonight.

Anyway, now that the wound is all scabbed over, let’s rip the damn thing off by not just reminding you that there’s a remake in the works, but that now there’s even a scriptwriter. Kurt Wimmer is his name. Wimmer has quite a few movies on his resume. Some good (The Thomas Crown Affair), some bad (Ultraviolet), and some mediocre (Street Kings). But talent isn’t really a big deal in Hollywood. Once you get your foot in the door, they’ll let you write anything, particularly if you’ve recently written a high-profile movie starring Angelina Jolie that no one has even seen yet (Salt).

You know what we’re discovering here, right? Particularly after T4? That Schwarzenegger — bad actor he may be — was a pretty impressive presence onscreen. There was some unidentifiable quality about Arnie that made his movies work, despite their scripts. And I think, sadly, that as his movies continue to be remade, that we’re going to realize that even more. The upcoming Conan the Barbarian remake, the Total Recall remake, the Predator remake, and inevitably, The True Lies and Commando remakes are all probably going to show that those movies worked because of Schwarzenegger. I never really appreciated him before, but damnit: These movies just won’t be the same without him.


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Comments

i'm logging off now and going outside.

i don't want to be around the internet right now.

Posted by: gp at June 3, 2009 10:32 AM

Can a "Pumping Iron" remake be far behind?

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 3, 2009 10:35 AM

Add Kindergarten Cop to the "Not the same without Arnie" list.
Pumping Iron just goes without saying.

Posted by: branded at June 3, 2009 10:37 AM

I heard this morning that a remake of Heathers is in the works. Has anyone else heard this, or am I just late to the party?

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at June 3, 2009 10:40 AM

Whorish Mouth, that better be an unfounded rumor or I might have to blow up someone's pep rally.

And dude...they can't remake True Lies. No one can pee their pants as well as Bill Paxton.

I love the crap out of that movie. My roommate and I were watching it on AMC or A&E or some such nonsense, and they digitally blurred out Jamie Lee Curtis' ass during her underwear dance. We were howling, it was almost as funny as the CGI bras in VH1's version of Showgirls.

Posted by: Julie at June 3, 2009 10:45 AM

OHMYGOD DON'T DO THAT!! I thought he was dead or something. Jeebus, you scared the crap out of me.

Now the remake doesn't seem so bad, in comparison to that.... Ha! I can't even say that with a straight face.

oh, also? Schwarzenegger — bad actor he may be — was a pretty impressive presence onscreen. There was some unidentifiable quality about Arnie Did you see his naked ass in Terminator? Now that's an ass.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 3, 2009 10:49 AM

I thought they were doing a sequel to Heathers, which is just as shitty. Winona Ryder talked about it in Empire magazine.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at June 3, 2009 10:50 AM

I'm repeating myself, I know, but to answer this:

"There was some unidentifiable quality about Arnie that made his movies work, despite their scripts."

I'll use Lane's line about "T4" again:

"Say what you like about Arnold Schwarzenegger, but ... He, like James Cameron, knew pecisely how much irony should be folded into the line readings, and into the encounters between man and cyborg, so as to leaven the sense of doom."

Timing is everything.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 3, 2009 10:52 AM

Doran! What is best in life?

To crush the producers, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their studio executives.

Posted by: admin at June 3, 2009 10:55 AM

Arnold was not an actor. He was a movie star. He had presence and he knew how to use it.

I recommend casting Shia LaPouf as the Arnold character. He seems to be doing the remake round lately.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 3, 2009 10:58 AM

Count me in as someone who also thought he died, given the headline.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 3, 2009 11:10 AM

Maybe Ahhhhhnald can do a prequel to "Terminator" in which he goes back in time and un-fucks California’s economy.

Posted by: Guess Who! at June 3, 2009 11:25 AM

I submit that The Rock is Ahnuld's successor in the "not a great actor, but EXCELLENT presence/charisma" school of acting.

However, if he participates in any remakes of these movies I will be incredibly disappointed in him. Not disappointed enough not to see it, but still very very disappointed.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at June 3, 2009 12:03 PM

I love the crap out of that movie. My roommate and I were watching it on AMC or A&E or some such nonsense, and they digitally blurred out Jamie Lee Curtis' ass during her underwear dance. We were howling, it was almost as funny as the CGI bras in VH1's version of Showgirls.

Posted by: Julie at June 3, 2009 10:45 AM

Has anybody here ever been on a censorsip board or have have any insight into what the censors think? What do you achieve by blurring someone's ass?

So a child is watching a movie and there's a lady dancing on screen. She's wearing very revealing panties but her ass is blurred. Does the child go "oh, I wonder what that blurred thing is supposed to be. I mean what can be hidden right beaneath someone's back and above their thighs. Oh forget it, I'm sure there's a good reason that thing is blurred." All this happens while the parents are happy their children are protected from The Harmful Ass and the psychological trauma it brings about.

Posted by: barf at June 3, 2009 12:12 PM

barf, I have frequently wondered the same thing, or at least something very like it.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 3, 2009 1:04 PM

If Hollywood was a dog, and that dog had puppies... Then Hollywood would eat them. Every last furry cuddly loveable one of them.

Then Hollywood would shit out the remains, and call them "remakes".

Posted by: malikvlc at June 3, 2009 1:06 PM

Years ago when Siskel (rest in peace) and Ebert reviewed "Predator 2" they both remarked how the movie didn't work without Arnold and they never thought they would utter those words. Looks like we are all missing him these days

Posted by: MARK ANTHONY at June 3, 2009 1:15 PM

Or stated another way Malikvlc,

If p then q
If p then r
Not q or not r
______________
not p

Posted by: Guess Who! at June 3, 2009 1:40 PM

Someone needs to enact one of those bullshit California propositions to make a Commando remake illegal. Like, now.

Posted by: agent bedhead at June 3, 2009 1:40 PM

Arnold is a "movie star" as opposed to an "actor". His movies generally work because he brings his Arnie-ness to bad/cheesy scripts/ideas and makes them watchable (Predator/Kindergarten Cop). The really good movies he is in are better because of him (i.e. Terminator/T2). He just has "it". I would say that Sylvester Stallone's movies are the same. Rambo and Rocky wouldn't be the same without Sly. Nor would a movie like Cobra be so ridiculously awesome-- despite being such a sack of craptacular nonsense--without Sly delivering the lines.

Posted by: Absolutely! at June 3, 2009 2:04 PM

It was the accent. Everything Arnold ever said was made more awesome by that accent of his. And the fact that he was fucking HUGE. ALWAYS.

The Rock could be his replacement, but I don't think he looks as mean as Arnold.

Posted by: figgy at June 3, 2009 2:15 PM

Please, PLEASE Running Man!!

Posted by: Muppet at June 3, 2009 4:40 PM

Remakes work because the public eats that shit up and asks for seconds.

And I say that knowing full well I loved Star Trek and want more.

T4 can suck it though, the preview promised a much better movie than was delivered.

Posted by: Orser at June 3, 2009 11:29 PM

I have to agree with there just being something about Arnold. Watched some of his early movies lately and it just works in a way other action some same period don't, at least not anymore.

Posted by: silchas ruin at June 4, 2009 9:57 AM





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