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Cohagen! Give These People Air!

Get Your Ass to Mars / Daniel Carlson

Trade News | February 26, 2009 | Comments (21)

Think back to 1990. Arnold Schwarzenegger was a legitimately bankable and unironic action star. Sharon Stone was conventionally attractive. Paul Verhoeven was known to American audiences only as the man behind the hyperviolent and vaguely satirical action flick RoboCop. We were young; we didn’t know any better; we watched Total Recall.

There’s no denying Total Recall’s place in the pantheon of early-1990s sci-fi/action movies, from the vintage supporting cast (Michael Ironside! Ronny Cox!) to the awesomely pre-CGI effects of people’s heads splitting open, Arnold yanking stuff out of his skull, and a three-breasted hooker that left her mark on young boys nationwide. But because Hollywood is so out of ideas they’re remaking stuff that was kind of okay in the first place, Columbia has turned to Neal Moritz and his Original Films to churn out a new version of the movie. Moritz told The Hollywood Reporter that Philip K. Dick, author of the source material “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale,” was “prescient” (no shit, dude), and that he hopes advances in technology since 1990 will allow for a “fresh” take on the film. But I have news for you, man: We don’t need a fresh take. The old one is cheesy and weird and insanely lit and perfect just the way it is, right down to the “Two weeks!” lady. And of course, how can you hope to top Kuato:


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Comments

I can only hope that Neal Moritz is blown out of a dormant volcano to lie suffocating in an air-less environment while his face bulges and warps like a bad claymation cartoon.

Posted by: admin at February 26, 2009 11:29 AM

Hey man, Neal Moritz has got five kids to feed!

Posted by: Abe Froman at February 26, 2009 11:42 AM

If I were to ever come across Andy Richter while Andy Richter was wearing a party hat or possibly holding a bottle of champagne, I would say to Andy Richter:

"See you at the party, Richter!"

And then maybe I'd tear his arms off, just to complete the effect.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at February 26, 2009 11:57 AM

Good idea, lets remake Total Recall and They Live, but Starship Troopers deserves to be left alone because those aliens were made with computers.

Posted by: Nick at February 26, 2009 12:34 PM

Everyone of the pajibans has had a moment on this site where Dustin or Daniel show up on their doorstep and say to them, "Look, I'm really sorry but, your childhood...its been raped. We tried to save it but...its pretty chummed up from the waist down."
Well, this is my moment.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't do it! I love this movie! I feel like I've been stabbed in the chest. I feel worse than Quaid did when Cohagen told him that Melina was "going to be Hauser's babe."

Posted by: Handel at February 26, 2009 12:45 PM

"Do you think this is the real Quaid?!"

sadly, no. it isn't. Its some piece of shit remake.

Posted by: Handel at February 26, 2009 12:47 PM

Sharon Stone was "conventionally attractive" huh? She may be an air headed diva on the crazy train, but she was WAYYY more than conventionally attractive in this movie.

Give credit where credit is due.

Posted by: ed newman at February 26, 2009 12:56 PM

Remake Total Recall? Maybe it's time to do other remakes too. Like No Country For Old Men. Ir The Dark Knight. Or The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Surely the advances in "technology" could help to make those better too!

Posted by: Odnon at February 26, 2009 1:24 PM

So, an outfit called "Original Films" is doing a rehash of Total Recall? Perfect.

Posted by: patrick at February 26, 2009 1:33 PM

"If things have gone wrong, I'm talking to myself, and you've got a wet towel wrapped around your head."

You just can't improve on gems like this.

Posted by: Perl at February 26, 2009 1:58 PM

And color me a schizophrenic arab in a downpour

Posted by: Perl at February 26, 2009 2:01 PM

Me: So I hear they're remaking Total Recall.

Brother: WTF?! How could they remake a movie that's so good in the first place?

Me: How? Well you take one huge pair of audacious balls and then use them to sculpt a pile of shit out of fermented childhood memories.

Brother: I feel disappointed.

Posted by: Amanda H. at February 26, 2009 2:46 PM

Maybe it's time to remake "The Last Remake of Beau Geste" too?

Posted by: Odnon at February 26, 2009 3:47 PM

... a three-breasted hooker that left her mark on young boys nationwide.

Nay, Dan. Worldwide. The triple threat went global. "You make me wish I had three hands."

Posted by: Squrrox at February 26, 2009 4:42 PM

And speaking of remakes, Encore Avenue is running Coppola's Dracula. Just once I'd love to hear Gary Oldman, upon meeting up with Winona Ryder again, say: "I've crossed Oceans of Time for....this?"

Posted by: Odnon at February 26, 2009 5:50 PM

Predator and now this. All I can say is >:/

Posted by: Julian at February 26, 2009 6:00 PM

When I saw this headline, I thought it was about the Arnold-themed death metal that I just learned about yesterday.

Check out their lyrics page; the Total Recall song is the funniest.

http://www.arnocorps.com/

There are also similar groups Austrian Death Machine (with the song "Get To The Choppah") and Schwarzenator. Do some surfing, and I'm sure you'll find some samples.

As for the remake news, I find it difficult to get that upset about remakes, even when I do love the film being redone (as I do in this case). The memory loss theme has been redone so frequently since Total Recall that it gives the project an extra veneer of retread. Hell, they'll probably give this thing a happy ending, and that would suck. I guess if the Philip K. Dick estate still gets its residuals for yet another adaptation of his material that bears no resemblance to his work, then I'm o.k. with it. (That's not fully a critique; direct translations of his writing to the screen are difficult, and a few adaptations have been successful or even improved on his work.)

Posted by: DarthCorleone at February 26, 2009 7:31 PM

Love him very much. Lots of my online friends on mixedmate dotcom love him too. You can share your ideas with them if you want. It is a servious interracial dating service.

Posted by: evan at February 26, 2009 10:32 PM

I guess my definition of, "Don't destroy my childhood, dude" is somewhat different than others here. Mine is, "Don't shit all over a great story by a one of the great, batshit-crazy authors of all times, dude." But your mileage may vary.

And "Total Recall" is utter shite. Epic crap. Breathtaking doo-doo. My dog produces far better efforts daily during her walkies. But if "Total Recall" is your standard of "great" sci-fi movie, then there's really no hope for you at all. Three-titted hookers aside... because, those, those *are* classic.

Posted by: rottenkitty at February 26, 2009 11:48 PM

And "Total Recall" is utter shite. Epic crap. Breathtaking doo-doo. My dog produces far better efforts daily during her walkies.

Somebody's got poop issues.

Posted by: admin at February 27, 2009 12:18 AM

Holy Shit!..watching that clip was so weird cus the exact same thing happened to me just yesterday!!...memories..gota love 'em...

Posted by: whatwouldjebusdo? at February 27, 2009 5:46 AM