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February 26, 2009 |

By Daniel Carlson | Industry | February 26, 2009 |

Think back to 1990. Arnold Schwarzenegger was a legitimately bankable and unironic action star. Sharon Stone was conventionally attractive. Paul Verhoeven was known to American audiences only as the man behind the hyperviolent and vaguely satirical action flick RoboCop. We were young; we didn’t know any better; we watched Total Recall.

There’s no denying Total Recall’s place in the pantheon of early-1990s sci-fi/action movies, from the vintage supporting cast (Michael Ironside! Ronny Cox!) to the awesomely pre-CGI effects of people’s heads splitting open, Arnold yanking stuff out of his skull, and a three-breasted hooker that left her mark on young boys nationwide. But because Hollywood is so out of ideas they’re remaking stuff that was kind of okay in the first place, Columbia has turned to Neal Moritz and his Original Films to churn out a new version of the movie. Moritz told The Hollywood Reporter that Philip K. Dick, author of the source material “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale,” was “prescient” (no shit, dude), and that he hopes advances in technology since 1990 will allow for a “fresh” take on the film. But I have news for you, man: We don’t need a fresh take. The old one is cheesy and weird and insanely lit and perfect just the way it is, right down to the “Two weeks!” lady. And of course, how can you hope to top Kuato:

Cohagen! Give These People Air!

Get Your Ass to Mars / Daniel Carlson

Industry | February 26, 2009 |

Boob Trailer

Neverending Story Remake at Warner Bros.

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