Torchwood Remake

Bloody Stupid Yanks

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (64)

“Torchwood” had a bumpy but decent first couple of seasons before knocking it out of the park with its third season mini-series last summer (reviews are here, here and here). Naturally, Fox is developing an Americanized remake of “Torchwood.”

I can’t decide if I want to drown myself in a cask of whiskey or just vomit. Maybe both. Maybe alternate between the two for a few hours.

Even more baffling is that Russell Davies and his production team are in charge of the project, and it’s even rumored that John Barrowman will star as Captain Jack Harkness. Oh, okay, so how exactly is this a remake? In 2010 they will shoot series 4 of “Torchwood” for the UK and then using the same cast and crew they’re going to shoot a first season of an American remake? Here’s a bright idea Fox: just broadcast the fucking fourth season of “Torchwood” stateside.

Oh but it needs Americanized, of course. British is practically another language altogether and their culture is entirely impenetrable to an American audience. Tea and crumpets, fish and chips, words like “bloody” and “shag.”

And just to really make your day, Jane Tranter (a new VP at BBC world) is reportedly considering rebooting “Doctor Who” for American audiences. Great, instead of the blue police box, the Doctor will probably have a Ferrari with wings.

Eh, on second thought, why even bother popping an aneurysm? Even if either gets a series order, Fox will just air the episodes out of order and cancel the show after a dozen episodes anyway. Fucking Yanks.

(source THR)

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Comments

And by "Americanize" they mean take out all the gay shit, right?

Fuckers.

Posted by: MM at January 19, 2010 2:23 PM

No. No. no. No. No. nO.no. no.

No.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 19, 2010 2:23 PM

Just No.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 19, 2010 2:33 PM

Horrible, horrible, horrible idea.

And if there's ever an American version of Doctor Who...I don't know what I'd do. Insert your own extreme overreaction there.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at January 19, 2010 2:34 PM

Better this than Top Gear.

Posted by: twig at January 19, 2010 2:35 PM

And if there's ever an American version of Doctor Who

That's basically what the Eighth Doctor was, but he didn't fare too well.

Posted by: Jay at January 19, 2010 2:35 PM

My reactions (in order)

Picture! Jack/Ianto! (*squee*)
Title! WHAT? OK, calm down, it can't be that bad. There'll be a reasonable explanation in the article...
WHAT THE FUCK? NO! Get this shit off my computer screen!
...scroll scroll scroll...
AND DOCTOR WHO? IS NOTHING SACRED? WHO DO I STRANGLE? Myself, if this goes through, I guess.
...scroll back up...
Picture! oooh. Jack Harkness is sexy!

I move that Pajiba only report good news to prevent shakiness of my hands and aneurysms of my brain.

Posted by: ms. esme at January 19, 2010 2:35 PM

As much as the first piece of news bothers me (let me guess, Eva Myles' teeth just aren't good enough for the USA?), the idea of rebooting Doctor Who and showing us a Yank version seriously has me so furious I can't think straight. They cannot do this. They can't. Please, tell me they can't?

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 19, 2010 2:36 PM

OH WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?????????????

Ahem.
By you people i of course mean, Fox.
Also, right, if Russ is in charge and Barroman is appearing, is it really a remake and not just american based season 4?
I mean...the same audience who will tune in for a remake, are the audience who will just tune in for a fourth season set in the states...so why go the remake route?

Also, Barrowman is the chemistry king but they will never be able to make the Jack/Ianto relationship as beautiful and perfectly presented as it was Our side of the pond....mostly cos fox will banish Teh Gayzor and make Ianto 'Yoanna' and she and Jack's relationship will be 'controversial' cos she'll be from Iraq (GASP)

Posted by: Nadine at January 19, 2010 2:38 PM

I hate this idea sooooo much...that...flames. FLAMES on the side of my face...Heaving...Breathing--BREATHLESS....!

Posted by: welldressed at January 19, 2010 2:38 PM

Word, twig. Although of course those guys are actually secret Americans.

Posted by: Eep at January 19, 2010 2:38 PM

And furthermore they have made it evident that they have something less than a seething hatred of Jay Leno.

Posted by: Eep at January 19, 2010 2:40 PM

Also, Pajibettes and Pajibans...I'm taking bets on how long this thread will last before it descends into a dangerously pornographic slash thread based around Jack, Ianto and Dustin.

Posted by: Nadine at January 19, 2010 2:49 PM

Where's that .gif of Jerry Seinfeld throwing up his hands and shuffling out of an audience? Because that's me right now. Fuck that shit. Fuck you fox, fuck you straight camp Captain Jack Harkness. Fuck you American the Doctor. Fuck all this bullshit.

Posted by: teacupnosaucer at January 19, 2010 2:49 PM

Jay >> Absolutely correct. I thought of that as I typed it. And, yeah, not surprisingly, that TV-movie was pretty much the nadir of the Doctor Who universe.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at January 19, 2010 2:50 PM

(sigheyroll)....bollocks.

Posted by: kikz at January 19, 2010 2:58 PM

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Pant, gasp, pant

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Posted by: BWeaves at January 19, 2010 3:09 PM

I thiiiiiink a stateside production of Torchwood could work with RTD producing and Barrowman involved, but the tone of it probably just won't gel with most American audiences. I'm with SLW on this, just produce it in the UK and broadcast it here.

Where I'm really worried is this "American reboot" of Doctor Who. It's a British show! It's like a national treasure now! Granted, it could have higher production values (I still wince every time I see the monster in "The Lazarus Experiment"), and it might work if good writers are used. The Doctor himself is an alien and doesn't necessarily have to keep hanging around the UK, but still! It's just wrong, in a way. Also, what do they mean by "reboot"? Starting all over again, disregarding the mythos? That's part of the fun of the show! The backstory's like an almost 50-year old game of Exquisite Corpse!

Plus, an American actor playing the Doctor? Oy vey.

This'll probably just go the way of that horrendous TV movie from '96. Or, you know, not happen at all. Again, just broadcast it here!

/American

Posted by: vic at January 19, 2010 3:13 PM

In my head right now I have this vision of BWeaves on his knees in a rainstorm screaming his 'Noooo'

In my head B, you have a frankly ridiculously oversized preacher hat and preacher robes.
No idea why

Posted by: Nadine at January 19, 2010 3:14 PM

Capy Jack could be American, except he hasn't got a stick jammed up his ass. Well, not a stick per se. And 'Jammed' may be a strong word... Inserted.
OK I'll stop. Unless you don't want me to stop...

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 19, 2010 3:15 PM

Capt, Jack. Sorry.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 19, 2010 3:15 PM

Lindsey...never stop

Posted by: Nadine at January 19, 2010 3:16 PM

BWeaves on his knees

You're forgetting the Pajiba Rule.

Posted by: Jay at January 19, 2010 3:19 PM

WHAT PAJIBA RULE?!

Posted by: Nadine at January 19, 2010 3:21 PM

No one here is male.

Posted by: Jay at January 19, 2010 3:24 PM

Yes, do keep going Lindsey. FanFicFriday could be in your future.

And, both of these ideas just have dumb written all over them in big block letters. That Fox apparently can't read.

I've lost some respect for JB and RTD for just considering being part of it.

Posted by: Drake at January 19, 2010 3:24 PM

BWeaves is a LADY! But maybe she is on her knees...

I can imagine Capt Jack looking deep into Ianto's eyes, softly saying in that deep voice "Don't stop. Never stop."

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 19, 2010 3:25 PM

IM SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYY Bweavesssss
sorry sorry, end of work day, brain tired, sorrrrrrrryyyyyyy

Lindsey...meep
Dont stop

Posted by: Nadine at January 19, 2010 3:28 PM

OMG. DO NOT encourage me. Believe it or not I have my filter ON whilst on Pajiba. If you get me going on the details of Capt Jack's taut, quivering, breathless, anal insertion... well, I am sure someone would get upset with me.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 19, 2010 3:28 PM

I think BWeaves may be on HER knees.

You know, doing a US version of Doctor Who would be like re-doing Bonanza set in Cranford.

The worst part of this is that IF they go ahead with this, they will stop showing the Brit version over here AND block the Internet

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 19, 2010 3:30 PM

BWeaves is a LADY! But maybe she is on her knees...
Yes she is. A sexy, sexy lady.
/lisp
I can imagine Capt Jack looking deep into Ianto's eyes, softly saying in that deep voice "Don't stop. Never stop."
LindsEy, it's comments like that that make me think people are actively trying to destroy my heterosexuality.

Posted by: welldressed at January 19, 2010 3:31 PM

DAMN IT LINDSEY THAT IS BAD STORY TELLING! YOU'VE STARTED NOW FINISH WOMAN!

Yes yes Paddy, I knoowww, I'm sorrry, I have the brain farts

Posted by: Nadine at January 19, 2010 3:33 PM

Oh Fox...I was getting to like you again.

But if you follow through with this Torchwood/Doctor Who "remake" process, I'm afraid I won't be able to stop myself from tying you and NBC to a chair, from which you'll be forced to watch your cruelest abominations non stop for 24 hours. (I promise you, you won't make it past the Automan/Chevy Chase Show programming block at hour 2.)

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at January 19, 2010 3:33 PM

Dammit, I gotta go to work. But Y'all KNOW Ianto had a virgin anus. So you can just IMAGINE the combination of control, restraint, power, and turgidity, that Capt Jack would have had to display to gently yet forcefully penetrate slowly up to...
Yeah, it is shit like this that gets me in trouble. Ok. Off to work, Toodles.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 19, 2010 3:41 PM

I just died a little inside.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at January 19, 2010 3:42 PM

Fuck off America, stay away from our stuff.

Posted by: Steph at January 19, 2010 3:44 PM

"turgidity"

Hee hee, Lindsey said turgidity. I'm 12. Hmm... did I even know what turgid meant at 12? Oh hell, probably.

Posted by: MM at January 19, 2010 3:48 PM

Nadine:

It's entirely understandable. We are all so upset at this news. It's like discovering a murder plot and knowing one is powerless to stop it.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 19, 2010 3:49 PM

Um, ah, um . . . OK, it's weird reading about how others view you on the internets.

I just watched "Lesbian Vampire Killers" and based off Nadine's comment, I got a visual of myself dressed as a preacher, on my knees, in the rain, looking strangely like Paul McGann (despite the fact that I am a lady) and yelling, "Stella!" for no apparent reason other than I was tired of yelling, "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Posted by: BWeaves at January 19, 2010 3:51 PM

You forgot "tumescent"

Anyway, just ignore it.

Posted by: Jay at January 19, 2010 3:53 PM

Lindsey, you rock lady

Posted by: Nadine at January 19, 2010 3:53 PM

Sulking now.
Oh, but Lindsey, thanks for making my day (even though it's already been ruined).

Posted by: ms. esme at January 19, 2010 4:02 PM

Just thought this might be interesting to a few Torchwood fans out there - did y'all know Ianto was in a blues-rock/metal band called Blue Gillespie?

http://www.myspace.com/bluegillespie

He's the singer - I saw them play in Cardiff last year, while visiting some friends who are independantly producing a sci-fi film called Casimir Effect, which Gareth David-Lloyd is going to be starring in. Very good stuff, reminded me of Down - thoroughly nice bloke, too!

Posted by: Dill The Devil at January 19, 2010 4:10 PM

And did you know that Gareth David-Lloyd was in a recent version of Sherlock Holmes that is NOT the RDJ version. Why didn't we get that here?

Posted by: BWeaves at January 19, 2010 4:55 PM

fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I am not a fan.

Posted by: Amanda at January 19, 2010 5:20 PM

Fox executives give a bad name to morons.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at January 19, 2010 5:28 PM

How on earth are they going to have John Barrowman on a show with other men and he's not going to totally eye-fuck them in every scene?! They ARE going to air this in the US, right?

But Capt. Jack can go to hell as far as I'm concerned, I'd like to turn into a man and go gay for Ianto. I realise it's a bit far-fetched, but Lindsey made "virgin anus" sound so appealing...I want some of that.

Posted by: Joker at January 19, 2010 6:00 PM

Posted by: Joker at January 19, 2010 6:13 PM

De-lurking to say that if it turns out like this it'll be awesome.

Posted by: tadesse at January 19, 2010 7:01 PM

If Fox keeps the gay stuff in I will be so thrilled and dedicate myself to promoting the remake.

I'm serious. I don't care if the remake is shit and a horrible slight upon both British and American television. If they keep the Jack/Ianto stuff I will defend Fox to the death. I doubt they will, though, so I can totally expect to not have to back my claim.

Posted by: Schlegel at January 19, 2010 7:08 PM

I refuse to get worked up over this, even though that's my natural inclination. No one will watch, because anyone who is interested in Torchwood or Doctor Who watches on BBCA already. Thus, even if they do get made the shows will immediately fail and be banished from the airwaves by their third episodes. News over, case closed.

Posted by: Cindy at January 19, 2010 8:01 PM

Fuck this.

Posted by: coryo at January 19, 2010 8:53 PM

"Ah'm the Dahck-terrr"
Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck.

As long as Leno doesn't take over the show.

Cocks.

Posted by: Odnon at January 19, 2010 9:25 PM

FOX's box of bad ideas is also bigger on the inside.

Posted by: jM at January 19, 2010 9:48 PM

heeeeeheeeeeeeehheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Posted by: figgy at January 19, 2010 10:57 PM

Oh...no. You've got to be kidding. Is nothing sacred? I've deleted 7 different sentence starts. I have no words. Fuck you, America.

Posted by: dsbs at January 19, 2010 11:41 PM

That's it! I'm just gonna kill myself and take as many as I can with me.

/to the nearest Wal-Mart (or Sam's Club)

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 20, 2010 10:19 AM

The only concrete fact about this, as far as I can ascertain, is that a Torchwood script has been written for Fox. That info comes from Barrowman's manager. There's no word on the authorship (though one assumes RTD), characters, or casting. Barrowman has said nothing. Fan forums are rife with speculation, of course, but there's not much to go on.

I'd rather the BBC kept Torchwood - especially if RTD is working in the US. (Why yes, I'm still bitter about the crappy writing of Ten's last episodes). And I don't want Fox's dirty mitts on Captain Jack.

How on earth are they going to have John Barrowman on a show with other men and he's not going to totally eye-fuck them in every scene?!

Good point, Joker. He's constitutionally incapable of being sexless. And I'm not sure the Yanks are ready for that jelly!

Posted by: tarn at January 20, 2010 11:19 AM

Yankee straight male here. Oddly enough I can understand every word you darn Brits are saying, especially since I can backtrack ad infinitum with my DVR. If "Americanizing" Torchwood means no polysexual Capt. Jack (he's immortal SO OF COURSE he's going to drill everything) and no Eve Myles (I could snog that gap-tooth hottie FOREVER) then Fox can fuckin' keep it.

Team Coco FTMFW!

Posted by: Barry at January 20, 2010 12:26 PM

Did these knob-gobblers learn nothing from the abortions that were the "Blackpool" and "Life On Mars" remakes?

Posted by: Aislinn at January 20, 2010 1:12 PM

I don't really understand why everyone is freaking out about this so much. Russell T Davies created Torchwood and is behind the awesome last four seasons of Doctor Who, so first of all, have a little faith in the guy. Second, it's not being proposed as a remake per se, more of an extension of the series. They're not going to cast an American version of Gwen. Instead they're creating a new Torchwood team with new stories that would allow for characters from the original Torchwood to occasionally show up in episodes. As for just re-airing the current Torchwood in the states, I don't think Davies wants to make a potentially new audience play catch up with old material. I think he wants to create something new, and yes, something unique to the states. Part of what I love about Torchwood is that it's kind of a love letter to the UK, particularly Wales and Cardiff. I love all of the references and the extreme sense of location that I get when I'm watching the show, and I'd be curious to see how Davies would try to recapture that feeling with an American program. Besides, the more he's working, the happier I am. Really, I'm just psyched that I could potentially have two Torchwoods to enjoy. And if it's a completely lame watered down suckfest, so what? I still have the BBC version to keep me warm at night and it doesn't make me enjoy it any less.

Posted by: atinymachine at January 20, 2010 2:39 PM

Ever feel that you would easily see yourself fitting into his / her life despite the age difference? http://AgelessOnly.com is a good place.

Posted by: Rose at January 21, 2010 1:33 AM

As a bloody yank, I sincerely apologize on behalf of my country. But we did make "The Wire".

Posted by: Liface at January 21, 2010 1:50 AM

Torchwood sucked - bad acting, boring story lines and just plain dumb. The US makes enough crap already so we don't need anymore. The episodes of Doctor Who that just aired in the US, specifically "The End of Time", were pretty bad too - lifeless and rushed. David Tennant was a good Doctor but in "The End" he came across as a whiny annoying pussy. And please do everyone a favor and never bring back the character of Donna Noble again.

Posted by: rewind at January 23, 2010 2:38 PM

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