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Another Day, Another Reboot

How About a Boot to the Head? / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | January 28, 2009 | Comments (37)


It’s been sixteen years now since the very first video game adaptation, Super Mario Brothers, hit the big screen, and so far that genre has been both a critical and, largely, a commercial failure. Domestically, there’s been only one video-game adaptation to gross more than $100 million: The original Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, which amassed $131 million. It’s sequel, The Cradle of Life, is the fourth most successful video-game adaptation of all time, with a meager $65 million domestic.

Video-game movies just don’t work.

Of course, that won’t stop them from making them, and now — in fact — Warner Brothers has decided to reboot the Tomb Raider franchise, only 8 years after the original movie bowed. Clearly, the continuing shrinkage of the window in between the original and the reboot is the latest trend; I understand, in fact, that they are planning to reboot the Harry Potter franchise — the first movie will run concurrently with the last movie of the existing franchise, and will feature talking animals in the roles of the wizards.

Anyway, the Tomb Raider reboot will start over from scratch — it’ll have little resemblance to the Angelina Jolie pics. There will be new missions, and there will be a new origins story. A few rumors, in fact, have suggested that Megan Fox may be taking over the role, in which case the origins story will probably take place in a sex-doll factory.

No writer, director, or cast is in place, but I suspect they’re going to try to get this into theaters by June, all the same. I understand they are going to expedite production by simply video-taping a guy playing the video game, and then morphing Brad Pitt’s face onto all the characters’ video game bodies. The production costs will be less than $10 million, but marketing will cost upwards of $150 million.


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Comments

Video-game movies just don't work.

They might, if a studio ever made a movie out of video game with an actual story to it.

Making movies out of SMB, Tomb Raider, Doom, Mortal Kombat, etc. is the equivalent of saying movies based on books always suck because every single "book" movie has been based on pop-up books filled with no words and pages after pages of beautiful photos of explosions.

Posted by: stipe42 at January 28, 2009 5:53 PM

I'm sure Megan Fox is a wonderful girl, but frankly she's not fit to lick Angelina Jolie's shoes. I don't know why, but I find Ms.Jolie to be awesome beyond measure and I don't want Ms.Fox tainting her reputation in any way.

Seriously, honey, she did knife wielding crazy brother-kisser better, she did bi-sexual better, she did vamp better and now she's doing UN Peace Ambassador with a bunch of beautiful children better than you could ever hope to. Why not convince someone to adapt Final Fantasy X, you could be Lulu! She mostly seems to stand around wiggling her boobs with an occasional "edgy" remark. Sounds perfect to me.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at January 28, 2009 6:04 PM

Did Resident Evil not do that well?

Posted by: Eep at January 28, 2009 6:11 PM

Or they go the Silent Hill route of coming up with a new story instead of adapting the one game that made everyone go OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT IS PYRAMID HEAD DOING TO THAT OTHER MONSTER?! and giving it to Christophe Gans who is probably a lovely human being but has absolutely zero idea of when a scene should end.

Or they try to adapt Bioshock which is laugable, as Bioshock is already a movie plus. So any cuts will kill information that made the game more immersive, and any additions will be ridiculously stupid. The opening IS a movie opening. It is impossible to start the game in a more interesting, to-the-point or spectacular, movie-like way.

Gears of War has actual 'not so bad for an action movie' growth potential, but will no doubt be written for fourteen year olds by a panel of fourteen rotating writers with #14 pencils lodged in their 14 IQ-point skulls.

Sometimes they do take a shit movie, tack gameplay on it, and call it Dead Space.

Posted by: twig at January 28, 2009 6:12 PM

When will you leave us Megan Fox? It's bad enough that you have to be in Transformers, but this too. We're going to put you into the ass end of the donkey suit, along with Uwe Boll, into a crag in Amy Winehouses face, and spackle it over with Dan Fogler's ass fat.

By the way Dustin, that was the best thing written on the internet ever. I mean it.

Posted by: George at January 28, 2009 6:36 PM

in which case the origins story will probably take place in a sex-doll factory

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at January 28, 2009 6:40 PM

Goddamnit, bash video game movies if you must, but I will stand by the first Resident Evil movie 'til the day I die.

Yes, I will fight you over it, but only after I've had several drinks. Like now.

Posted by: TK at January 28, 2009 6:55 PM

I liked all the Resident Evil movies. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Twig, you kick ass.

Re: Tomb Raider, I don't care. I've never played the game (I don't really like adventure puzzlers) and I didn't really care for the movies.

Posted by: admin at January 28, 2009 7:08 PM

TK I second the first Resident Evil movie. The elevator decapitation? The red dress? The laser slicer walkway? Pinning the giant creature by its tongue? MOTHER FUCKING MARC ANTONY? Blissful unadulterated awesomeness.

Posted by: stipe42 at January 28, 2009 7:10 PM

I've only seen the first two RE movies, and I liked them both. I'll get to Extinction on Netflix sooner or later.

That laser slicing walkway was FUCKED up.

Posted by: Sean at January 28, 2009 8:06 PM

admin,

Tomb Raider is good for one thing: this review.

Also, put me down on the list of original RE movie approvers. Even though the Alice in Wonderland references didn't make lots of sense. And they kept teasing me with lesbians but never actually dared deliver.

... and I like approx 4 minutes of the second movie, with the music-listening, beer-drinking zombie-sniping S.T.A.R.S cowboy.

Posted by: twig at January 28, 2009 8:08 PM

The only video game adaptions worth anything are done by Uwe Boll. Of course if only to show what Ed Wood would do with piles of money...

Posted by: Diablo at January 28, 2009 8:11 PM

today seems like a good day for post-related comics. Re:Tomb Raider
http://ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20060403

Posted by: s. pisaster at January 28, 2009 8:14 PM

This goddamn website is turning so fucking gay with its constant put down of hot sexy women. I suspect that after 2 a.m. all the gay guys cruise this website.

Posted by: Pookie at January 28, 2009 8:14 PM

Alice from Resident Evil is on my list of red-headed ass kickers that would make good Halloween costumes. If I'm back in Miami next year it's happening, because the weather will be too hot for my Scully costume. (i.e, a severe yet alluring suit)

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at January 28, 2009 8:16 PM

God I miss Miami so much, these half ass politicians in Austin with their half ass corruption. You want to see some good corruption, go to Miami. Here in Austin these motherfuckers shake down vendors for fucking beer money. In Miami they don't play that shit, those politicians down there are out trying to steal gold bullion from banks like the character "Rhino" from the old "Spider Man" cartoon.

Posted by: Pookie at January 28, 2009 8:42 PM

It doesn't matter how much people defend Megan Fox's hotness Pookie, she still looks like Shia LeBouef's inflatable love doll. Especially her lips.

Posted by: George at January 28, 2009 8:49 PM

Pookie, its quite obvious to me that our insight on women is unwanted and unappreciated. Dustin insists on putting up pictures of male ass and Ryan Reynolds' abs to push us away. Then he tries to segregate us using his little weekend hijack threads. Then he belittles true Hollywood talent like Ms. Fox.

Please excuse me as I go into the vault to prepare my full-scale response to these transgressions.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 28, 2009 8:49 PM

I think I've already established, BEYOND ALL DOUBT, that "megan fox" is a doode.

I'm gonna take exception to the assertion that "all" video game movies have failed.

FACT: Star Wars was just a very clever adaptation of Pong (first marketable video game in history).

nuff said.

You fail...again...Rowles.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 28, 2009 8:56 PM

twig, you're a Yahtzee/Zero Punctuation fan, too? Bravo!

Posted by: branded at January 28, 2009 9:05 PM

George I don't know a thing about you, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I don't think you've ever dated a women as hot as Megan Fox. You mentioning "inflatable love doll" tipped me off, cause a guy that's fuckin' would not have went there.

Posted by: Pookie at January 28, 2009 9:07 PM

That was great Twig, I love Zero Punctuation.

One of my favotites was the one he did for Metal Gear Solid 4.

On the topic of Megan Fox, she may look like a blow up doll; but that is one well proportioned, warm, moist and, I would imagine, loud piece of plastic.

Posted by: admin at January 28, 2009 9:35 PM

pookie, you just noticing we`re surrounded bye cupcakes around here?

Posted by: pasadenamike at January 28, 2009 10:25 PM

The next open comments diversion should be on the doability of Megan Fox, will the well figured hot bi-sexualness win over the blow up doll lips, obnoxious persona, and Shia LeBoufe? Only the eloquents can tell.

Posted by: George at January 28, 2009 11:19 PM

"I suspect that after 2 a.m. all the gay guys cruise this website."
That was such a smart pun :D Cause "all the gay guys travolta this website" wouldn't have made any sense. Gj Pooks.

Posted by: Irina at January 29, 2009 12:47 AM

I register my great like for Silent Hill. I thought that movie worked really well. And it did well financially, well enough for a sequal to be green-lighted.

Silent Hill made $20mil in its opening weekend, and it's worldwide box office was just shy of $100mil. So it did okay...and I really enjoyed it.

Also really liked the first Tomb Raider. So yeah, there can be good and successful video game movies.

Posted by: t6 at January 29, 2009 1:05 AM

"I suspect that after 2 a.m. all the gay guys cruise this website."
That was such a smart pun :D Cause "all the gay guys travolta this website" wouldn't have made any sense.

You, great wordplay person, deserve this
http://instantrimshot.com/

Posted by: jpguy13 at January 29, 2009 1:31 AM

You know what's interesting is that the only movies I know of based on board games are awesome (Clue and Searching for Bobby Fischer). But then movies based on books about board games seem to be a 50-50 proposition at best, even if the board games are magic.

Posted by: Eep at January 29, 2009 4:04 AM

It could work. I dunno. I can't see her pull off the long plait and wicked look as well as Jolie, but I could be wrong. She'd be up against high standards though ... Jolie was practically born to play Laura croft.

Meagan Fox on the other hand seems like an ordinary very pretty girl (mildly exotic) who I could see around university or working at a GAP clothes shop. -> http://www.meganfoxdaily.com/gallery/thumbnails.php?album=5 She seems a bit flippant, but maybe when she grows older she'll grow out of it.

Posted by: Lydia at January 29, 2009 5:07 AM

You can add Fresh to your list of good movies based on board games eep. But you have to put Jumanji on the other side of the ledger

Posted by: ed newman at January 29, 2009 9:08 AM

Jesus, poeple. Megan Fox is unreal. Easily one of the top 5 young hotties in hollywood right now.

Posted by: Fuel at January 29, 2009 9:44 AM

@ Eep: The first one was ok, but the other two sucked rotting ass.

Posted by: chenry at January 29, 2009 10:45 AM

Okay Pookie, I am a desperately lonely man. I'm a 16 year old living in the middle of nowhere, and possess the social skill of a rabid raccoon. Are you happy now? You miserable bastard.

Posted by: George at January 29, 2009 6:22 PM

Meghan Fox and her spider lashes are awful. Tomb Raider is not even in my pop lexicon. So there.

Posted by: ph at January 29, 2009 7:23 PM

Video game movies can work stupendously. The issue is not video games, it's ego centric directors and or retarded producers that fuck it up.

Most well made video games have excellent stories that could transfer over to a movie quite well.

There are usually 2 main problems. And these problems happen with comic book adaptations too.

The director/screenwriter haven't done their fucking homework and barely touch the medium in which they're adopting. And or they're assholes who feel the need to revise it to their liking regardless of how stupid their additions are.

Then comes the producers and movie execs who couldn't give a shit less what the actual video game was about, want big budget stars or staff (director) just to get people in seats.

You won't get a good video game to movie adaptation until you get hands off producers and directors who realize the mood and story of a video game and can translate that.

Posted by: Douche at January 29, 2009 11:54 PM

Genny (also Rusty), I agree with your point, however, in Hollywood, in some producer's office: "mmmmm... Megan Fox licking Angelina Jolie's boots. Get me some fucktard that makes music videos to direct. Let's greenlight this!"

Posted by: hugeinjapan at January 30, 2009 8:12 AM

Seriously...this far and only one mention of Uwe Boll?

Am I on the right site?

Posted by: ninjas and shit at February 2, 2009 7:27 AM