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Taylor Lautner and Tom Cruise Set to Star in Top Gun Rip-Off

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (22)



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You remember late in Michael Jackson’s actual career how he used to bring in certain big name stars (Michael Jordan, Justin Timberlake, etc.) to help out on his videos and albums in order to give him the appearance of cultural relevancy?

Tom Cruise, it appears, is trying the same approach. Cruise — who is the epitome of competent acting, if nothing else — has rarely chosen wrong when it comes to scripts, and has been diligent about surrounding himself with the right talent and the right directors, which have allowed most of his movies to do well, sometimes in spite of himself. I think this summer’s Knight and Day may be the perfect example of that — established director (James Mangold), a perfectly serviceable romantic lead (Cameron Diaz) and a solid supporting cast (Peter Sarsgaard, Maggie Grace, Paul Dano).

Cruise’s next project, however, seems to go completely against what’s got him where he is, and what’s led him through the public relations nightmare that was his life over the last few years.

Nikke Finke is reporting that Cruise is expected to start filming on his next project, Northern Lights this April. The movie is set to be directed by John Moore (Max Payne), who is easily the worst director that Cruise has worked with since Roger Donaldson in 1988’s Cocktail. And get this: His co-star will be Taylor Lautner, who is reportedly receiving $7.5 million to play Cruise’s son in the movie.

Taylor Lautner? Did Cruise’s handlers get loose? What the fuck? The Twilight star is not just one of the least competent actors in Hollywood, but is clearly a flash in the pan, who I would not expect to be much of anything outside of the Twilight world (see also, Robert Pattinson).

The film is about “a gifted, young, aerobatics pilot who faces off with his controlling, billionaire father and falls in love with a gifted, female pilot.” Lautner will play that young pilot, while Cruise will play the domineering father, which actually seems to suggest that Cruise may be playing a supporting role. In support of Lautner. Which is horrifying.

On the other hand: If Cruise wants another Oscar nomination, anybody looks like goddamn Meryl Streep when playing off of Lautner, who couldn’t sell a line to Mickey Rourke in the 90s. But given Lautner’s shelf life, if they don’t hurry up on production of Northern Lights, it may be headed straight to DVD in 2011.









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Comments

I believe Veronica Mars' Aaron Echolls said it best:
"In 1987, I was People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive." I made a lot of money chasing people around with my shirt unbuttoned. If I wanted to do a movie, the movie got made. Then I got older.
I started getting cast as the father of superstar tweens who have no idea who I am. It's a new age. They're the ones who are getting movies made today. I'm just some old guy."

Of course, I hope Tom doesn't have an affair with/murder some teenager. Fingers crossed!

Posted by: Erin S at January 6, 2010 6:27 PM

Am I the only one here that doesn't like the looks of Diaz as the lead in Knight and Day? I have nothing against her, but the trailer makes it look like everything in that movie is awesome except her. Blarg.

Posted by: the_wakeful at January 6, 2010 6:29 PM

Also, Lautner will crash his plane, lose his confidence in himself, his father will give up, but the hot female pilot will teach him to fly again and when he wins the big aerobics flying contest, his dad's faith will be restored, and seeing how she helped him, Cruise will let Lautner be with his (probably) poor pilot gf.

Also, isn't Lautner like...ethnic?
Is he playing Cruises adopted son?
Cos Cruise is a motherfucking honkey

Posted by: Nadine at January 6, 2010 6:32 PM

So they couldn't come up with an adjective other than "gifted"?

Have we run low on adjectives?

All you have to do is add a Y onto the end of a noun and you have an endless supply:

Ex: Tom Cruise was a Vampirey douche in Interview with a Vampire.
Taylor Lautner is a werewolfy douche in Twilight.

See???

Posted by: meh at January 6, 2010 7:09 PM

Who is the target audience for this movie? Are teenie boppers still fans of Tom Cruise? Or are they hoping older broads will chanel their inner couger for Taylor Lautner (too lazy to check spelling).

I'm perplexed.

Posted by: superasente at January 6, 2010 7:09 PM

The movie is a ploy for Cruise to try to indoctrinate Lautner into Scientology. He wants Lautner to be his poster boy so he can convert a new generation of cretins.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 6, 2010 7:40 PM

Ahahahaha, Nadine, I was thinking the exact same thing!!!

This looks like a serious train wreck. I knew it was only a matter of time before Tom's inner crazy started seeping into his films.

Posted by: Jelinas at January 6, 2010 7:46 PM

young, aerobatics pilot who faces off with his controlling, billionaire father and falls in love with a gifted, tight, up-and-coming, well hung, pilot.”

You KNOW, two fit guys, sharing the cockpit, hangin' out, doing each other.


/he loves the cock

//thinks it's cool

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 6, 2010 7:52 PM

Thank you, Nadine! I was wondering the same thing. Tom Cruise is Taylor Lautner's father? Talk about your blind casting? They might as well cast Whoopi Goldberg as his older sister! Poor Tom Cruise. I'd feel sorry for Taylor, but the kid is walking away with $7.5 million. Now, if he can just keep from bending over he might make it off that set with his virginity intact. Sneaky Scientologists.

Posted by: Peanut_Butter_And_James at January 6, 2010 7:53 PM

So you have to be "gifted" in order to be a pilot, huh? Well, my hopes are dashed.

Posted by: Lauren at January 6, 2010 7:58 PM

"Gifted" is the word we now use in place of "special".

Posted by: Wednesday at January 6, 2010 8:16 PM

Oh dear God, this is The Starfighters! Seriously, it's a complete remake! And since Tom Cruise is doing it, we can expect lots of suggestive footage of planes refueling mid-flight.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at January 6, 2010 8:30 PM

"Gifted" is the word we now use in place of "special".

Posted by: Wednesday at January 6, 2010 8:16 PM
---------------------------------------------------
Oh good! I'm okay then.

*hops into cockpit*

Which side is port?

Posted by: Lauren at January 6, 2010 8:35 PM

Which side is port?

The left side. The sherry is on the right.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 6, 2010 10:03 PM

I just discovered sherry. A revelation. Good sherry is half the price of good port, and really, the difference (if there is one), is minimal.

Posted by: Brenton at January 6, 2010 10:18 PM

This film is easy.

Tom Cruise=older women

Taylor Lautner=teenage women

Crappy Love Story=most women

Pilot Movies=most men

Whadaya have?

Tom Cruise+Taylor Lautner+Crappy Love Story+Pilot Movies=A Crappy Date Movie That Will Make Bundles.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at January 6, 2010 11:19 PM

Hands up who thought this was a Golden Compass reboot!

Aha, I see...

I'll be over there...

Posted by: Adere at January 7, 2010 2:26 AM

I'll join you in that corner there, Adere.

Posted by: Lydia at January 7, 2010 4:38 AM

This movie sounds amazing! OMG if it is half as good/awful as Cocktail, I will be so happy.

Posted by: Mebe at January 7, 2010 9:37 AM

*scurries into the corner with Adere and Lydia*

I've brought snacks!

Posted by: Squeeziee at January 7, 2010 9:49 AM

I just happened to catch the opening monologue of SNL a couple of weeks ago and the guest was Taylor Lautner. He was, of course, talking up New Moon, when he started doing all these weird twisty acrobatic moves. In the meantime, a local movie rental place was going out of business and we ended up buying a whole bunch of DVDs for cheap. My (6-y.o) son picked out Shark Boy and Lava Girl, which I've come to realize also stars a very young Taylor Lautner. There is a whole scene in that movie where he sings his sharky version of a lullaby to the main kid to get him to sleep and in the middle of the song he starts doing those same twisty acrobatic moves. Even given the sharky nature of the song, the moves are very incongruent and off-putting. Anyhoo... I think that must be all the poor kid has for him, because he certainly can't act.

Posted by: elsie at January 7, 2010 12:51 PM

DeistBrawler: You forgot the gays. All they have to do is give Taylor a suggestive nickname, Goose was unfortunately already used, and have Tom Cruise flail around behind him while holding onto his shoulders kind of like he did in Top Gun then that should do it.

Posted by: OscarTamerz at January 7, 2010 4:35 PM