January 23, 2009 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | January 23, 2009 |


Tom and Jerry have been released from the mildewy dungeon behind Hot Topic with Speedy Gonzalez, The Crows from Dumbo, and the rest of the racially/morally questionable cartoons cast into oblivion by Ted Turner and his Cartoon Network henchmonkeys. Or anyone else who’s hummed Zippadeedoodah on celluloid.

But before we get the oompah band out of mothballs, they’re coming to the big screen in CG. From the studio that digitally thickened the girth of Scooby Doo and Alvin and the Chipmunks, Tom and Jerry will now get swollen by nerds on iMacs with too much time and not enough girl on their hands. When I even let the semblance of potentially seep into my brain in the way of frying pan facials and Itchy and Scratcheysousse mayhem, the plot was left in tiny little piles behind the refrigerator: Tom and Jerry begat their horrible rivalry in Chicago, and then are left behind, Jesus must do battle with the forces of the Anti-Christ in the name of Kirk Cameron and so must band together cross country to find their way back to their owners.

There’s so much wrong with that, where do I begin? First of all, that’s the plot to Bolt, which is the plot to Homeward Bound, which lifts its premise from The Adventures of Milo and Otis, which borrows liberally from the original cut of Spartacus. Secondly, nobody OWNS Jerry. He’s a fucking mouse. That’s the entire point of the Tom/Jerry dichotomy. It’s like Straw Dogs. Tom must protect his home from the village rapists/mice. You don’t take the vermin with you when you leave, you leave them in the dumpster behind the prom.

But since Alvin and the Apocalypse took in $360 million dollars worldwide, they’d be stupid not to CG every cartoon from our youth. Just wait until we learn Communism from the 3D Smurfs, or learn about The Crusades with the help of the Care Bears. I’m hoping GI Joe’s disasterbacle derails the gravy train. But chances are slim. This trend goes back to fucking Space Jam.

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The Only Way It Could Be Worse Was If It Were A Snuff Film

Stay Away From The Snorks / Brian Prisco

Trade News | January 23, 2009 | Comments ()



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