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The Only Way It Could Be Worse Was If It Were A Snuff Film

Stay Away From The Snorks / Brian Prisco

Trade News | January 23, 2009 | Comments (31)

Tom and Jerry have been released from the mildewy dungeon behind Hot Topic with Speedy Gonzalez, The Crows from Dumbo, and the rest of the racially/morally questionable cartoons cast into oblivion by Ted Turner and his Cartoon Network henchmonkeys. Or anyone else who’s hummed Zippadeedoodah on celluloid.

But before we get the oompah band out of mothballs, they’re coming to the big screen in CG. From the studio that digitally thickened the girth of Scooby Doo and Alvin and the Chipmunks, Tom and Jerry will now get swollen by nerds on iMacs with too much time and not enough girl on their hands. When I even let the semblance of potentially seep into my brain in the way of frying pan facials and Itchy and Scratcheysousse mayhem, the plot was left in tiny little piles behind the refrigerator: Tom and Jerry begat their horrible rivalry in Chicago, and then are left behind, Jesus must do battle with the forces of the Anti-Christ in the name of Kirk Cameron and so must band together cross country to find their way back to their owners.

There’s so much wrong with that, where do I begin? First of all, that’s the plot to Bolt, which is the plot to Homeward Bound, which lifts its premise from The Adventures of Milo and Otis, which borrows liberally from the original cut of Spartacus. Secondly, nobody OWNS Jerry. He’s a fucking mouse. That’s the entire point of the Tom/Jerry dichotomy. It’s like Straw Dogs. Tom must protect his home from the village rapists/mice. You don’t take the vermin with you when you leave, you leave them in the dumpster behind the prom.

But since Alvin and the Apocalypse took in $360 million dollars worldwide, they’d be stupid not to CG every cartoon from our youth. Just wait until we learn Communism from the 3D Smurfs, or learn about The Crusades with the help of the Care Bears. I’m hoping GI Joe’s disasterbacle derails the gravy train. But chances are slim. This trend goes back to fucking Space Jam.









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Comments

Oh well. In other, better news, Hitler's alive and out for blood.

Posted by: Lucas at January 23, 2009 10:34 AM

This would hurt me if I still had a soul. Thank Godtopus that Four Christmases killed that off!

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at January 23, 2009 10:35 AM

Oh shit, I missed a perfectly good opportunity to make a "Tom and Jerry Kids" reference.

Posted by: Lucas at January 23, 2009 10:37 AM

Damn you, Lucas! Now I'm stuck with the Tom & Jerry Kids song!

Posted by: Sofía at January 23, 2009 10:42 AM

Mmmmmmmmmmmm ... I LOVE the smell of girl on my hands.

And napalm in the morning.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 23, 2009 10:44 AM

I'm not sure Tom & Jerry have been "released", they never went anywhere. They are on every day on one of the cable channels, I used to watch them at lunch when I could do so. Also I'm not sure how they could be considered controversial.

That said, this movie sounds mundane and sad.

Posted by: TylerDFC at January 23, 2009 10:46 AM

Soooo getting them out of the house means no one's going to be shouting "THOMAS!!!!"?

And wait...wait......do they talk?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCKzAn0612o

Posted by: Jay at January 23, 2009 10:46 AM

I have just gotten my 7 year old and 3 year old twins loving the original (especially the Tex Avery directed ones).

Granted.. if Uncle Pecos is somehow involved... I just might let this slide.

C-c-c-c-c-crambone!!!

Posted by: Antietam at January 23, 2009 10:49 AM

I will ONLY watch this if the following conditions are met...

1.) It's directed by Adam McKay

2.) It stars Will Ferrell as Tom, John C. Reilly as Jerry, Ashton Kutcher as Mammy, and Richard Jenkins as Richard Jenkins.

3.) It gets a hard R rating for, "Creative profanity, racial slurs, and gratuitous violence and nudity in a public setting during a comedic chase sequence." (The ratings descriptor MUST have that EXACT description in the text.)

Posted by: Mike R. at January 23, 2009 10:56 AM

Ahhh Saturday moring. I would wake up, sneak downstairs at about 6:30am, gently tiptoe past my father dozing drunkenly on the couch and begin my cartoon marathon.

I would begin watching Dungeons and Dragons move to Alvin and the Chipmunks and then a loud commercial would violently wake my father so we could get the morning beating out of the way early.

Then I would whimper through Tom & Jerry, Transformers and Alf. Thank god they are finally doing a CG version of the classic cat and mouse. It almost makes me want to flagellate myself to truly re-live my youth.

Good times. Good times.

Posted by: admin at January 23, 2009 11:02 AM

But since Alvin and the Apocalypse took in $360 million dollars worldwide, they'd be stupid not to CG every cartoon from our youth.

Don't forget about producing needless sequels to those abominations! I can't remember seeing this here, but there is an Alvin sequel in the works, or rather Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel, coming in Dec '09. The director is going to be Betty Thomas, who also brought us John Tucker Must Die, Doctor Doolittle, and The Brady Bunch Movie.

I didn't realize when I woke up that today was going to be one of my sadistic days. Sorry.

Posted by: branded at January 23, 2009 11:02 AM

The good news is, "Slumdog" just got here, and so did "Rachel Getting Married," and "Gran Torino" is still here, and the second-run is showing "Princess Bride," so I guess I can't bitch.

Right?

Ehhhh ... who'm I kidding.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 23, 2009 11:08 AM

I'm waiting for the bigscreen Itchy and Scratchy marathon. Pure hate, explosions and guts. That's what you want from a cat vs. mouse cartoon.

Posted by: BWeaves at January 23, 2009 11:14 AM

NOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

What's next? "Pixie and Dixie & Mr. Jinks: Pussy-Footin' Around?"

"Huckleberry Hound: Prozac, Cuervo, or a 44? Do you, uh, feel lucky?"

"Quick(straw)Draw McGraw: I said...I said...STOP OR I'LL SHOOT, MOTHERFUCKER!!"

"Wile E. Coyote & the Roadrunner: Stepbrothers 2"

My mind is reeling with the possibilities, and the number of assholes waiting to rape my childhood. There ain't enough KY on the planet....

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 23, 2009 11:16 AM

Oh fuck, another Tom and Jerry movie, this time in CGI. I'm going to go on that killing spree. Fire up the murder tank BarbadosSlim, first stop will be Joseph Barbara's house.

Posted by: George at January 23, 2009 11:24 AM

Wait .. if I rub napalm on a girl in the morning ... Ooops, I think I just splooged.

"Tom & Jerry," meh, but DON'T you BASTards FUCK with DROOPY POODLE or I'll be forced to track you down and grab you by the throat and say to you, "Boo!"

(No offense, boo)

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 23, 2009 11:41 AM

Fire up the murder tank BarbadosSlim, first stop will be Joseph Barbara's house.

Isn't Joe Barbera already dead?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 23, 2009 11:45 AM

Tell me y'all wouldn't go see "Woody's WoodPecker" ... in 3D.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 23, 2009 11:46 AM

"And wait...wait......do they talk?"

No. They'd better not. They'd goddam better not talk, or the MurderTank is gonna get equipped with a custom-made theater crusher and human thresher, separating the head from the body and sending the remains through a shredder that covers the smoldering piles of rock and metal in a gooey rain of meaty gore.

No. They better not talk. And there better be violence...

Posted by: Skitz at January 23, 2009 11:48 AM

bucdaddy you found out my dirty, dirty secret....

*hangs head in shame*

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 23, 2009 11:53 AM

Isn't Joe Barbera already dead?

I think he is now.

So, Skitz, you wouldn't want a crowdpleasing subplot where they decide they're gonna join the police academy if they ever get home?

Posted by: Jay at January 23, 2009 11:53 AM

Homeward Bound does not lift its premise from Milo and Otis. Homeward Bound is a remake of The Incredible Journey.

Posted by: frumpiefox at January 23, 2009 11:54 AM

Isn't Joe Barbera already dead?

If he is already dead, then we'd better make sure to pack some jumper cables (or at least some neon green injectable re-agent). We've got some re-animating to do!

Posted by: branded at January 23, 2009 12:03 PM

It isn't like Tom and Jerry is high art. Hanna-Barbera made the worst fucking crappy cartoons ever. Hell, they originated the concept of "throw cheaply-made repetitive schlock at children, they're too stupid to know the difference."

This merely carries on H-B's proud tradition.

Just wait about 15 years, when y'all's children will be waxing nostalgic about what an awesome show Ed, Edd and Eddy was, and you can have your WTF? moment, too.

Posted by: Wednesday at January 23, 2009 12:20 PM

Milo and Otis had a plot? I thought it was just a porno for the kind of Aunts that send you emails with an attachment of baby panda sneezing.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at January 23, 2009 12:24 PM

My aunt is DEAD, you hear me??? DEEEEEEEAD!!!

She never did the forwards and attachments though. That's my mom and uncle's milieu, except they do not send me stuff from Cute Overload.

Huh, I wish.

Posted by: Jay at January 23, 2009 12:33 PM

Can't they just show Jerry dancing with Gene Kelly again?

I'd watch that

Posted by: Park at January 23, 2009 2:47 PM

Just wait about 15 years, when y'all's children will be waxing nostalgic about what an awesome show Ed, Edd and Eddy was, and you can have your WTF? moment, too.

I am offended Wednesday. Ed, Edd and Eddy was hilarious. I broke ribs watching that show. But you're so right in stating that Hanna and Barberra are hacks, that's why if he's still alive, Barberra's house is the first stop on the murder tanks death trip. After the end of the spree, we'll celebrate by burning all CGI movies based off of shitty cartoons.

I'm looking at you Underdog, Alvin and the Chipmunks, The Mask 2, Scooby Doo, and Garfield. I love the smell of burning film reels in the morning.

Posted by: George at January 23, 2009 4:43 PM

I understand perfectly well why they want to do this. They will make millions and I don't have a problem with that. It will bring Tom and Jerry to a whole new generation and onto the big screen (if there ever has been a Tom and Jerry full length feature I don't know about it). My problem is the change of format. Why not keep it as a cartoon instead of mediocre CGI? I know it's hard to make an hour and a half long movie faithful to the original cartoons because they are so repetitive and they never talk but I'm sure some creative minds can come up with something decent without completely selling Tom and Jerry's soul.

Posted by: barf at January 24, 2009 1:06 PM

I knew I wasn't imagining things. This Tom & Jerry movie was already made in 1992, with the exact same plot! Thanks Wikipedia.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_and_Jerry:_The_Movie

Posted by: Mugiwara at January 24, 2009 7:47 PM

While this sounds terrible, I do want to thank you for equating "Tam & Jerry" with Straw Dogs

Posted by: Brian at January 24, 2009 11:34 PM