Today in Science: Americans, Especially Ugly Ones, Hate Their Jobs, and Women Don't Masturbate Enough

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Today in Science: Americans, Especially Ugly Ones, Hate Their Jobs, and Women Don't Masturbate Enough

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | June 25, 2013 | Comments ()

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Welcome to a new feature that I just made up that may or may not ever appear again: Today in Science, where we report findings on studies with provocative enough headlines to entice me into clicking.

For instance, The 2013 State of the American Workplace Report finds that most Americans don't like their jobs, and in fact, their disdain for the employment is not only hurting their work, but their co-workers, mostly on account of the fact that "unengaged" employees like to passively-aggressively sabotage the work of "engaged" employees. The study finds that 70 percent of American employees are not engaged in their work, and those who are not engaged have no passion, which results in less productivity.

So what's the solution? The study finds that you can implement all sorts of things -- ping-pong tables in the break rooms, daytime naps, etc. -- but that it won't matter a whit if your boss sucks. The most important factor in workplace engagement is the selection of the manager: Cool managers result in happy employees. The ability to work at home also, ironically, results in more productivity for most employees.

One reason that some American employees may not be engaged with their jobs is because they're ugly and their co-workers treat them poorly. A Michigan State University study finds that -- just like in high school -- unattractive people are mistreated by their co-workers at much higher rates than attractive people.

It may be even worse for unattractive ladies because they hate their jobs, their co-workers treat them poorly, and they don't get off enough. According to the Kinsey Institute, as well as anecdotal evidence from Slate, it's rough out their for ladies. Not only do they not discover masturbation until later in life, but they do it less frequently than men? Why? According to Slate, there are a few factors: They have less time alone, and they also face logistical challenges since their alone time tends to come in the shower, and it's hard to get things to work while standing. Another factor is the fact that men in relationships aren't getting it done: If a dude doesn't treat his lady right, ladies tend to lie next to their snoring partners and fume in frustration (single ladies, on the other hand, can go home and finish the job).

The lessons here: Be nice to your employees; stop judging people based on their looks; and fellas, help a sister out. Either get the job done, or leave the room for a few minutes afterwards so she can finish what you failed so miserably at, you selfish little pr*ck.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Ruthie O

    Ladies not getting enough self-loving in? Give me a moment. I can remedy that problem single-handedly.

  • denesteak

    speaking of science and masturbation, what happened to our sex scientist columnist? that was super fun/interesting.

  • Sarah

    So more orgasms equals greater workplace productivity? I don't know if that's the connection you're drawing but it's a reasonable conclusion. Everyone deserves benefits.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Female autoeroticism is "Trade News"? If "trade" was involved wouldn't it invalidate the "auto" element?

  • Cazadora

    Here's the secret about American workers that I've learned from long years in managment -- If you fight for your people and have their backs in every possible way -- they will go through the fire for you. But if you don't? Then hell hath no fury like a worker scorned.

  • $27019454

    I had a boss once. And she lived near me. Halloween that year was amazing. #flamingbagofpooondoorstep

  • ,

    ping-ping tables in the break rooms


    Even ugly employees might get some action if there were more ping-ping tables in the break rooms. What the impact would be on productivity is anybody's guess, but at least two workers would be happier.

    Not sure if a five-minute break would be to everyone's schedule, though. Most guys would manage just fine, but there might still be a lot of frustrated women.

    What say you, ladies? Can you find joy and happiness in five minutes or less, or do there have to be bubble baths in the break room too?

  • BWeaves

    Bubble baths? No. Showers with those pulsating hand held shower heads would be good, though.

  • ,

    Will you be home tomorrow, Weaves? Say, about 7 a.m.?

  • Captain_Tuttle

    Oh, and I'm no super model, but I hate the shit out of my job. I think most of the people I deal with are quite ugly on the inside, and they're aging my outside.

  • $27019454

    Speaking for mybadself: I am stunningly beautiful (in my imagination) and I love my job. My boss is lovely (in reality) and I am engaged in my work. I think it has a LOT to do with where you are in life, too. I'm older and have the benefit of having had several wretched jobs and bosses, and have the wisdom (she said, with false modesty) to value the fact that I am employed, and to know that work is work, life is life, and never the two shall meet. I did not really "get" this until later in life. It also helps that I am very good at my job (see above for modesty status).

  • Mrs. Julien

    I am generically pretty (which does indeed help in life) and I don't mind my job. My boss is fine (but sadly no longer the one I would have followed into Hell), I am engaged in my work (except during my Pajiba time) and I am extremely good at it (the work part, I'd prefer not to be evaluated on the Pajiba-ing). Work is work and life is life are indeed words to live by. If you can get that down, everything gets easier.

  • Your Relatives

    If you don't say so yourself.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I'm laughing so hard I can't breath.

  • Captain_Tuttle

    Options: 1) wait until the husband is sound asleep, then do the jilling; 2) bathroom fans are your friend, especially if they're loud. I'm just sayin'.

  • Maguita NYC

    1- Don't wait for the hubby to be snoring and do it right in front of him.
    2- Do not allow him to participate or self-gratificate*.

    *Yes I invented the word. So what!

  • NateMan

    Ping-Pong table.

    Their co-workers treat them poorly.

    Good god, man, are you drunk at 11 in the morning?!

  • $27019454

    you say it like it's a bad thing...

  • Svengard12

    This is good science.

  • DataAngel

    I'm ugly and I actually like my job. But I'm also more than a little bit mentally off the norm.

  • Shamed in the Shadows

    " masturbation until later in life"
    "and it’s hard to get things to work while standing"

    I cannot speak for all women, but I just shouted "FALSE" from my desk. I think I was nine when I figured out what felt good, and most times I prefer standing. So booyah, gender norms!

  • emmalita

    Yup. I'm getting ready to start Daniel Bergner's "What do Women Want?" Which seems to be based on using science to debunk gender norms about sexuality.

  • UnderTheDark

    I'm reading it too, and it's pretty accurate o.O

  • Guest


  • Shamed in the Shadows

    What happened to the name? Weird...

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Really, though, who does flay the bologna enough? Also, is a ping-ping table one of those games that you have to play by yourself by running to each end of the table to return your shot? I ask because I can can see that actually being counter productive as it will only accentuate the fact that you're alone and nobody likes you. It would probably make you want to go home and weep into your palms just so something moist will finally touch your nethers.

  • NateMan

    Something about 'Ping-Ping table' sounds vaguely racist. like it's made out of a couple Chinese immigrants holding a dead panda between them, or something.

    But maybe that's just me.

  • BWeaves

    Nope, not just you.

  • BWeaves

    I think I will invent the ping-ping table (TM) (C) (2013) right now. It's half a ping-pong table, and it sits up against a flat wall. The "net" is drawn on the wall. You play by yourself by just hitting the ball on the table or the wall, sort of like racketball. You don't actually keep score. You just see how long you can keep it going. I think it would be a good stress reliever at work, and allow you to get a little exercise in.

  • Maguita NYC

    Dude! Have you not seen Forest Gump?!

  • NynjaSquirrel

    Actually, tables designed for solo play/practice already exist. Half the table folds up independently of the other, giving you hard surface that returns the ball.

  • BWeaves

    Dammit, foiled again. This is why I'm not rich.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Unfortunately you still have to play with yourself. *tear*

  • TraceAndM

    Isn't that what we're encouraging the ladies to do?

  • BWeaves


  • NynjaSquirrel

    BUT - you have the option to find a partner at least. Buying a solely one-side PingPing table would be just too sad!

  • Anna von Beav's not that difficult to do it standing up.

  • Ruthie O

    I didn't gasp at the standing up part as much as the assumption that alone time in the shower is a challenge. I discovered the wonderful world of shower heads at an embarrassingly young age.

  • Kala

    I think it just depends on the broad. Lucky are the women who can achieve pleasure regardless of environment or position.

    Seriously. That sounds incredibly convenient.

  • Anna von Beav

    DAMMIT. My privilege is showing. My apologies to those less fortunate. I meant no disrespect.

  • ,

    Are we still on for Tuesday noon, Beav?

  • BWeaves

    I vote for a weekly column.

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