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The Mystery Of Paul W.S. Anderson

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (19)

milla-jovovich-maxim.jpg

I’m kind of in awe of Paul W.S. Anderson. The man has made nothing but crap for his entire career — two Mortal Kombat movies and the worst entry in either series, AVP: Aliens Vs. Predator. The best he’s got under his belt are Resident Evil, a enjoyably trashy video game adaptation, and Death Race, which succeeds only because of its cast.

And yet not only does he still get money to make movies, but he still gets solid casting as well. Here’s the (thoroughly uninteresting) poster for his adaptation of The Three Musketeers (click to enlarge):

three_musketeers3d.jpg

I mean, fuck. Look at that. Now, I know Milla Jovovich will star in anything he makes because, well, they’re married. But Mads Mikkelson? Ray Stevenson? Juno Temple? I figured after Cracks she’d be making her way up the indie ladder, but apparently not. And let’s not even start on trying to figure out how the fuck Orlando Bloom ended up there.

No, it’s hardly an A-team of acting talent, but there are some pretty damn cool actors on that list (that Percy Jackson nimrod notwithstanding). I swear, unless everyone keeps thinking they’re auditioning for a Paul Thomas Anderson film, he must have some weird, Svengali shit going on. You almost have to be impressed.

Almost.









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Comments

Orlando Bloom is on the list because since Elizabethtown everybody is now on to the fact that he can't act his way out of ordering a cup of coffee.

Of course, then he simply smiles, and gets the coffe for free. With a cookie.

Posted by: magiel at September 7, 2010 11:09 AM

Bah. DEATH RACE succeeds because Anderson was wise enough to know that everyone is unimpressed with CG and instead did virtually every effect practically in the film - making something that felt like it was straight out of the 80's. So much stupid fun.

Posted by: Massawyrm at September 7, 2010 11:19 AM

Another Death Race fan. That movie is so steeped in 80s cinema, it feels like it's from a different era.

And let’s not even start on trying to figure out how the fuck Orlando Bloom Christoph Waltz ended up there.

I mean honestly: Milla Jovovich. Orlando Bloom. Christoph Waltz.

One of these things is not like the others.

Posted by: Fredo at September 7, 2010 11:23 AM

Nope.

One got boobs.
One sucks.
One has the greatest manic smile.

Posted by: magiel at September 7, 2010 11:28 AM

The movie, I don't have to see. But that is one shitty poster design.

Posted by: jM at September 7, 2010 11:32 AM

It's amazing what banal, uninteresting articles I'll click on simply because they have a header pic of unimaginable hotness.

Posted by: Carlos at September 7, 2010 11:33 AM

Yet another massive fuck up of a Three Musketeers adaptation. It's baffling to me how someone just can't make a decent adaptation of one of my favorite books ever- they keep fucking aroung with the story (WHY? it's a brilliant fucking story!), making shit up, changing the characters. I bet none of these fucks have ever even read the book. They've just watched all the other shitty adaptations and figure "hey it's just about four guys with swords and giant hats!" and just decide to fuck around with that however they want. Grr.

Posted by: figgy at September 7, 2010 11:38 AM

Figgy, just be glad you got Oliver Reed as Athos. I doubt that's ever getting topped.

Posted by: Fredo at September 7, 2010 11:46 AM

Dream casting! Oliver Reed as Athos, Oliver Platt as Porthos and Chris O'Donnell's head on a pike. D'ARTAGNOOOOOOOOON!!!!

Posted by: coveredinbees at September 7, 2010 12:39 PM

Oh, I'm sorry, I just realized, MAD MIKKELSON AS ROCHEFORT? Yes please.

Posted by: coveredinbees at September 7, 2010 12:41 PM

Oh and just so I can obnoxiously triple-post, they presence of AndrewDavies on the screenwriting credit, while not an absolute guarantee of quality, tells you they don't intend to crap all over the storyline. He does literary adaptations ver-ry well.

Posted by: coveredinbees at September 7, 2010 12:43 PM

What.

Christoph Waltz, what are you doing here??

Same to you, Mads Mikkelsen. Jesus.

Though seriously, I agree with figgy. It's really not that hard to adapt this novel, it's incredibly well paced and entertaining in its own right. And yet, people decide to just make shit up instead. NOT OKAY.

Also, what the shit, I could design a better poster in my sleep.

Posted by: Kalexal at September 7, 2010 1:51 PM

No, it's PWSA (screw writing out his full name), so it'll definitely get fucked up, even with that cast.

Posted by: figgy at September 7, 2010 2:09 PM

Also, whatever could be said about that poster is all rendered moot by the goddamned "in 3D" addendum. I want to drown it in a lake. WHY does a period movie have to be 3D? That just...grrr. It makes so little sense that I'm reduced to making angry noises. GRR. ARRGH. SDASADSDSREREG.

Posted by: figgy at September 7, 2010 2:11 PM

He didn't make the 2nd Mortal Kombat movie and the first one was great. Also Soldier was pretty awesome too.

Posted by: Adam C. at September 7, 2010 2:25 PM

the man makes movies that are watchable.

and they're mostly scifi, i can't really hate him.

Posted by: sailboat at September 7, 2010 8:37 PM

Fuck you, Event Horizon was (and still is) awesome. But, yeah, everything else he's made is crap...I'll give you that.

P.S.- Paul Thomas Anderson movies are nothing but droning, pretentious-as-fuck-all dog shit. Nothing but two, three hours of long, "arty" shots and snobbish nonsense that people think is "deep." Fuck him...

Posted by: Case at September 7, 2010 9:44 PM

I find it far far more amazing that he managed to snatch an insanely hot girl like Milla Jovovich

Posted by: Lex at September 8, 2010 6:40 AM

Why are you surprised that actors will take quantity over quality every day of the week. Actors don't love movies, they love money. And they will fellate any piece o crap that pays them their price.

Posted by: elzupasmonkey at September 9, 2010 8:29 PM