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This Television News Has Given Me Violent Convulsions. Please Join Me in a Seizure!

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | September 12, 2012 | Comments ()


Heathers-Movie.jpeg

Bravo, the network that has contented itself for years with shows that I don't really care enough about to get outraged over (save for Top Chef, which I love) has decided to take a stab at scripted programming. OK, fine. Right? NO IT'S NOT FINE.

Why? Because, according to THR, they're seeking to reboot, remake, reinvent, and/or bastardize Heathers, the seminal 1988 teen comedy, as a television series.

How f**king dare you, Bravo. Are you pulling my dick? Heathers? What is your damage? Is this just a spoke in Bravo's menstrual cycle? What is the upchuck factor on that?

Worse yet, they're changing it from Heathers to Ashleys. How very.

In the updated take, Heathers picks up 20 years later, with Veronica (Ryder's character) returning home to Sherwood with her teenage daughter, who must contend with the next generation of mean girls: the Ashleys: the daughters of the surviving Heathers.

Well, f*ck me gently with a chainsaw. What-a-cruel-world-let's-toss-ourselves-in-the-abyss type of idea.

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • LibraryChick

    I was kind of hoping the "Ashleys" aspect was some obscure reference to the Richard Peck book Princess Ashley, which just happened to feature a mean girl named Ashley (though the story was from the viewpoint of a misguided follower). Really wish folks would leave Heathers alone, though.

  • valerie

    This obviously might be terrible but never underestimate a gay man's network ability to creat bitchy and hilarious programming (see: RuPaul's Drag Race on LOGO). Hey, at least it's not another Housewives installment. Bravo AND MTV are now trying more scripted programming which is GOOD. Let's all try and be nice about it before they make more Jersey related programs.

  • Snath

    As long as they keep the completely awful "Teenage Suicide" song, I'd probably watch it.

  • Melina

    My husband's license plate was Big Fun when I met him.

  • wow, we're obviously running out of things to feel outraged about and desperately scraping the bottom of the bile duct.

  • Pookie

    Having never seen “Heathers,” I can only guess what it’s about. From the header picture it has young skinny white women in it, which means it centers around anorexia and money.
    p.s. my favorite show on Bravo is Flipping Out.

  • Pookie. Find it and watch. Seriously.

  • Guest

    What are you, twelve?

  • Blake

    If Bravo is behind this then expect a show no one will watch and a quick death. Plus hasn't this been done to death (and still being done)? I'd rather watch Awkward. or Suburgatory...

    But if they could get Ryder to play mom Veronica it might be worth a laugh.

  • e jerry powell

    Ryder on basic cable is way more likely than Nicholson on basic cable.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I'm honestly surprised she doesn't have USA Network show yet. Cast her as a former celebrity felled by a shoplifting conviction who now works as a private eye.

  • I'd watch that.

  • kushiro -

    I'm going to watch this, only because I know that in episode four, they are going to bring in a character to provide background on J.D.: his long-lost uncle, played by Jack Nicholson.

  • e jerry powell

    Nicholson? On basic cable?

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Is Bravo basic? I thought it was in that shitty jumble of channels that comes with expanded service but no actual premium channels, that only sells because it has BBCA in it and people want to watch Doctor Who.

  • e jerry powell

    Bravo is one of the NBC/Universal networks, along with USA Network and Oxygen, among others.

  • BWeaves

    Why didn't they just call it "Mean Eye For The Straight Girl."

  • The Other Agent Johnson

    I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON.

    Sorry, that's my default reaction whenever Heathers is mentioned.

  • Melina

    I catch myself belting that out every now and again...for no apparent reason, it just pops into my head!

  • Jenn

    No. Just... no.

  • "You blow it tonight, girl, and it's keggers with kids all next year."

    Let's face it. There's not a chance in hell that Bravo gets this right...

  • Ang

    Already been done. A few years ago the Disney One Saturday Morning cartoon, Recess, had a group of mean girls called the Ashleys. They had a pretty sweet fort inside a pile of old tires.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    That was redundant. All tire forts are inherently sweet. Not quite as much as pillow and blanket forts, but marginally more defensible.

  • googergieger
  • Kelly O

    Glad I'm not the only one who remembers the Ashleys. (Remember the episode when Spinelli admitted her first name was Ashley? And they did the whole "one of us" thing with her? -- Dude I need to get out more.)

  • BendinIntheWind

    Glad I wasn't the only one who immediately thought of that episode.
    See also: the Debbies from "The Oblongs"

  • Green Lantern

    Ohmahgah DEBBEH!

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